On Why I Didn't Get My First Blood Draw Results This Morning..

[komnaes]

It was so close, though I managed to avoid a totally disastrous day...

I was supposed to see my doctor this morning and get the results of my first test. I was so looking forward to the appointment and also getting my numbers. I was mentally prepared that the first sets could be scary, and even if they were good it would only be the beginning of a trend that needs to be observed over a period of time. It will take 2-3 more to see a trend. But by getting the numbers, to me, symbolically, is a further acceptance of my HIV status and that I am beginning to manage my virus.

So, I left home early, went back to the office first to take care of a few things and just as I was waiting for a taxi to take me to the clinic, I got a call from my mother. I haven't really talked about it openly in the forum except I have mentioned a few times that I am also a caregiver. So, here's the story:

My father died of AIDS almost a decade ago. To cut a long story short, he left the family when I was a kid. The story for the longest time was that he left because of another woman. I didn't know at the time but apparently my parents never got divorced. So, I never got to see much of him during my teenage years and early adulthood. Suddenly, around 94', he returned. At the time I was working in the US after college and by the time I returned to Hong Kong my parents were back together for over 1 year.

I love my mother but we were never close - me being a boy she never spoke to me about their relationship, and I wasn't caring enough to ask. Here it was a strange man I called my dad but I hardly knew him, and for whatever reasons (guilt, lack of interest, etc) he had never shown much interest in my life either. Then in 96, he felt sick. At first the doctors thought the dementia was caused by Alzheimers, then cancer, etc; he was in and out of hospital for over 6 months and no one knew what was wrong with him.

In the middle of this, my mother was advised to have a test on her woollen lymph glands, fearing that it might be leukemia. Instead she got the news that she was tested HIV+. Then they went back to test my father, and sure enough it was AIDS. We never knew how he got it and it was never in doubt that he passed it to our mother. A few weeks later me and my brother did "confront" him a bit, mainly asking did he have any operations, blood transfusion, etc before in other parts of the world as we didn't know anything about his medical history (he ran a business that required a lot of traveling in South America, which went totally belly up at the time and incurred so much debts to relatives that it took us 2 more years to pay off).

He didn't say anything, except he just raised his hand and pointed at me. I didn't know how to react but my brother, who was already in a murderous mood, immediately started yelling at him, "What do you mean? What do you mean?" Only some years later I found out that my father was "bisexual" (or actually gay, for his generation wouldn't know how to be gay as they were all expected to get married, etc) and the main reason why he left us was because he couldn't go on hiding. In any case he died in a hospice 6 months later.

I honestly don't recall (or don't want to recall) how we got through the 2 years after his death - my mother was constantly in depression, had a few bad cases of shingles but never got any OIs that required hospitalization. For the first 3-4 years I would go with her to every appointments in the clinic (hence why I know everyone there). Her condition has been extraordinarily stable, and except for 2 occasions that she couldn't adjust to new meds, her VL has been mostly undetectable since 5 years ago.

But her mental health is another thing - she has a handful of friends you can relay on (they all know, we're blessed that she is/we are supported by the family of my god mother) and she does a lot of community works to keep herself active. While she appears all normal to other people, she doesn't spare any of her compulsively depressive thoughts when it comes to me. She constantly nags about anything and everything in the most depressive manner - if I drink a soda at night, "you will get diabetes", if she sees me lit a cigarette, "you will get lung cancer", if I come home smelling a bit of beer, "you will get liver cancer". It's endless, and it all goes back to the next part of her nagging, "I can't imagine how I could handle if you get sick".

And here I am, newly diagnosed. Two HIV+ persons in the same house, and one has to hide it, and that person is me. It has been the greatest source of stress since my confirmation test. And back to this morning, just when I was about to get on a taxi, my mother called. She rarely told me about her clinic appointments anymore, but she didn't call me about this, it was about the forthcoming wedding of a family friend that I am required to show my face. But from the background I could hear that she was in the subway. I asked why she wasn't in the community center, she told me she was on the way to the clinic, which I was just about to get my test results.

I was totally amazed - not that we could be booked on the same day - I was amazed at how could I possibly not have double checked! I discussed last week with the head nurse at the clinic that we could not tell her now (I told the nurse I would NEVER tell her, but she said I might need to reconsider), but it didn't occur to me to just ask her when would be her next appointment before I fixed this morning with the clinic last week after my blood draw!

I mean, I laugh at those highly improbable co-incidents in really bad soup dramas on TV all the time, when the husband is always caught by the wife the minute he kisses the secretary he's been having an affair with - thinking, how could THAT happen in real life - but I almost found myself in one this morning.

I then immediately came back up to my office and called the nurse. She was shocked, and told me the same thing, "Yes, how could we have not checked!" Now, I won't get to see my result until 1 November since my doctor (the principal doctor) will be on leave next week, and then it's my turn for close to 2 weeks of business travel.

I was really nervous and so looking forward to my numbers, so I asked the nurse on the phone. She has seen my report and told me some delay is OK as I don't need to be on any PCP preventive meds as my CD4 "is high, more than enough". How high, she can't remember? VL? "Nothing to worry about", she said. It was like peak busy hours in the clinic so I didn't want to force her to take out the report and stay on the phone with me for too long. I may call again this afternoon when she's less busy. But I know as a fact that she's paying a lot of attention to my case (she has personally called my friend in the AIDS Foundation to discuss my case, with my consent), so if she told me not to worry I would believe her.

Sorry for this long post - I needed to let it out somehow at some point.

Shaun

[aztecan]

Hey Shaun,

This situation must be very difficult for you. I don't know what to say except hang in there.

HUGS,

Mark

[Robert]

Shaun.

What a story.  It would indeed have been true irony had you met your Mother walking into the DR's office.  I'm sorry to hear about your Father.  Sorry you can't get your numbers until the 1st of Nov.  Sorry to hear about your MOther's depression.  You've got quite a burden to bear.  I'm glad you're here so we can help a little.

robert

[BT65]

Wow, Shaun.  It does seem surreal that you and your mother ended up with an appointment on the same day around the same time.  You sound like you've come through so much.   I really don't know what to say, I can't imagine all the things you've had to deal with and have to deal with with your mom being +.  We're here for you though.  Just stay tough. 

[Dragonette]

Oh Shaun, I don't know what to say... What a story. It is like a soap opera. But it's not... it's real life and as the cliche says truth is always much stranger than fiction. And way way harder. 

You're a great guy and I'm sure you will work it out. There are actually a lot of people in your condition... just... most of them are Africans, maybe Thai. That's where you'll see 2, sometimes 3 generations of this disease in 1 family.

Maybe one day you will be able to tell her. If she is involved in the HIV community, she might hear anyway. Concentrate on yourself now. If she finds out, she'll understand why you did this. I think.

You're a great son, in accordance with the high standards of your society. You fulfill your duties. But you have also to live your life and take care of you.

One day I'll try to come and visit you & Mesu, just need to find a way to finance this trip... I'm working on it. If you come on business our way, please let me know (though you might have other priorities if you get to Amsterdam  )

Big hug, 

[blondbeauty]

Why don´t you ask the nurse to check your counts when she is not very busy and call you back? 

[thunter34]

Wow, Shaun.  That was quite a read.  Saw it last night and didn't know quite how to respond.  Still don't, really...other than to say hang in there and perhaps consider the advice to have the nurse call you with those counts- if you think you can manage to do so privately.

[northernguy]

Shaun sorry to hear you have this added burden.  Don't stress out about your numbers, I'm sure the nurse would have told you if there was a cause to worry.

[milker]

Shaun,

it is good that you find this place comforting and safe enough for sharing so much about your private life with us.

Milker.

[Miss Philicia]

Wow Shaun, that's such an amazing story I have to say if ever there was a board member deserving of "blog" status it's you.

I will add, that I'm quite sorry that you feel you can not disclose your new HIV status to your mother.  While I respect your decision, I would hope that someone that is already positive would be reciprocally supportive, especially in light of how you've invested your life in being her caregiver.  I presume you do not wish to add to her mental misery, but I caution that you should also not add to your OWN mental misery.  I'd have to say I agree with the nurse's advise to reconsider this decision, but I know you can only handle but so much at once.

That said, you show so much strength in this post, as well as in previous postings.  It's very commendable.

I also think  you should appear on Oprah.

[komnaes]

Thanks everyone for the kind words..

I blame Votz for starting a confessional trend in this forum..

I do think this is a book that I am supposed to write, maybe it will help to generate some incomes later in my life. It does sound dramatic but when I look around me - stories of tough times that many of my friends/relatives are going through, and then I read all these events many of us are sharing here (losing partners to AIDS, suicides, continuing struggle with meds and the health care system, etc) - mind are nothing out of the extraordinary. The one thing that really bugs me is how could I have been so stupid of catching this virus, knowing that it would make my life unbearably complicate.

As for my stats, I did call the nurse later and we talked a bit about it. I should have known but she made it plain that it was against internal rules for her to discuss my reports  - it's the doctor's job. She did run it to the doctor about the delay and he approved and asked her to tell me that the delay is OK. He even said to save me time I might as well wait for the next blood draws, which should happen in mid November. The good news is, from all the tests also on blood sugar level, etc, the nurse said to me, "well, Shaun, you know, with these figures, you could probably have looked forward to a really long and healthy life". She meant well, I know, and I really do need some friends to be less protective of me, snap me hard and yell at me, "You stupid ass, just when you were at this point that you could put your past behind and things were looking up, you got yourself infected."

As for my mother, hiding will not be an option for too long, I know. Once I begin to take meds it'd be hard as it means there will be change of lifestyle and diet. As of now, it's better that she doesn't know. I did think hard about it. In our case, I have come to the conclusion that I would still be hiding it even if it was a less life threatening health problem. We're very used to hiding things from each other, so lets see how long this one can least.

Shaun

[fearless]

WOW.

In your situation I'd likely be reluctant to tell my mum too. But keep and open mind on that one. As you say, it will be dificult to hide forever, and it just may be the thing to help your mum open up and feel comfortable about discussing her own health and feelings.
You seem like a really nice and caring guy from your posts so I'm sure you will deal with it in an appropriate way at the appropriate time.

Your story almost running across your mum reminded me of a day when I jigged high school and went to the beach. I looked up at one point and there was my dad walking along the beach with another woman (ie not my mum). He was meant to be out of town on an overnight conference.

Good luck and hope all goes well.

steve

[komnaes]

Finally got my first set of numbers, not very complete though as I signed up a the BED ASSEY test/study. The genotype report hasn't come back yet.

Oct 8 (test date) CD4 446 (19%) VL 23,000

No Hep C and still have antibodies of Hep B, so no need for a shot yet. All vitals (liver function, etc) are good and since it's established that my infection is recent, my doctor said there's no need for another test until January next year, "Treat it like a holidays!", he said.

I expressed my concerns for not having a report for my genotype test yet and 3 months from first blood draws to have the second is a bit too late. We talked more and at the end I thought perhaps it might not be a bad thing - it would give me time to not get too worried about things going up and down at the beginning, and in any case doctors here (in Hong Kong) don't tend to start treatments unless there's an established trend that CD4 goes consistently below 200. They don't buy the 350 theory, not to mention 500. As for the genotype, might as well not worry about it until it gets to the point that I need meds.

So, here's the update. There's an "opening" there that the head nurse called me a while ago and we talked, and she said she could reschedule the test to an earlier date if I want to, but she wouldn't recommend it as she agreed with "the boss" (my doctor Dr. Li is the top in the clinic).

Shaun

[northernguy]

Interesting they're giving you a year before next labs.  Protocol here dictates every 3 months for me, despite numbers.  I still haven't had a genotype test.  I suspect its because my doc doesn't believe in worrying me when it might be a while before I start meds, but I better ask.

Glad to hear you're feeling good about the results.

[komnaes]

Thanks North

I won't say I am entirely "happy" about it, and the next test is next year but it's 3 months (Jan 08) away from my first. I really need to talk to the nurse about it again, but I suppose I understand the rationale here:

- we won't be giving you meds until there's established declining tend, meaning at least 2 tests with CD4 below 200 (or of course, freakishly low)
- the infection is new plus all the vitals are good so from the doctor's experiences mind won't go down this quickly

I think it's the downside of universal health care in some countries - like ours, it's overwhelmed. Not just with HIV. With others diseases people have the options to claim insurance if they have good policies or just pay up for private doctors. For us HIVers, the best doctors are with the government, and we're not covered by any insurance for meds.

I am feeling much better since my diagnosis so I suppose I can enjoy this period a bit and try my best not to stress, work out, eat healthily and hopefully don't need to see any meds for a while.

Shaun

[Ann]

Hi Shaun,

Three months between tests is standard for most of the world. If your VL had been very high, or your CD4 very low, it would have been worth it to check again sooner (and your doc probably would have), but with your numbers three months should be fine. With those numbers so early in your infection, you could go years yet before you need to worry about meds. Just make sure you do check at least every three months.

Ann

[komnaes]

Thanks for the assurance Ann 

I should feel lucky and really start taking control more on diet, exercises, etc, won't hurt. I spoke to a peer counselor in the AIDS Foundation (their counselors are angels on earth!) and his numbers have been constantly between 200-300 for the last 2 years with much higher VL, and even he's still only getting tested every 3 months with no meds.

I am glad I don't need to go back til next year and this time I will check my mother's date first before confirming!

Shaun

[northernguy]

Thanks North

I won't say I am entirely "happy" about it, and the next test is next year but it's 3 months (Jan 08) away from my first. I really need to talk to the nurse about it again, but I suppose I understand the rationale here:
..Shaun

Oops, I misunderstood.  I thought they told you to come back in one year for your next labs.  My bad.

[komnaes]

Hmmmm.. she found out.

As it turned out, my mother found out while I was away last week for the business trip. She as usual went and cleaned up my room. I already hid the old clinic receipts well and the new appointment notices are in my office. God knows how she found them. She didn't mention it when I returned on Friday. We spent the long weekend as usual with my brother visiting with his family. She acted normal until when everyone left this evening and she complained about a bit of heart burn; I went into her room and asked if she was fine or should we consider taking her to ER. She's OK now and resting now. Since her appointment is this coming Wednesday she's decided to wait.

While I was in the room talking to her, she just looked at me and these are our conversations:

"I don't know how to talk to you anymore. You never tell me anything."

"What you mean?"

"I know why you have been depressed. You need to take care of it."

"I need to see a therapist, yes."

"But you missed your blood test."

(Shocked, but stayed claim) "What test?"

"I saw the papers."

(Silence)

"You need to deal with it. You can't keep missing appointments, it will delay your treatment."

(Struggling, if I told her I simply just changed my last appointment again because of conflicting with her it would amount to an admission.)

"I am fine."

"Look I have been fine all these years. If you have problem sleeping you should take one of those." (She fished out a tablet from one of her many pill boxes)

"What is that?"

"For sleeping. It works, you should ask for some from Dr. Lee." (Dr. Lee is her doctor in the clinic, also mind.)

"Are you feeling better now?"

"Yeah, we can wait. My heart will be the end of me."

"Just let me know if you feel we need to make the trip."

And that was the end of our conversation. Happened 30 mins ago. I don't know what to think, I don't know what to do, and my own appointment to see my lab results is tomorrow.

[rondrond]

I think that you are going to be fine. That you are going to have a new relationship develop with your mother.

Where do they get those ideas for those Soap Operas?...from real peoples lives!

Hang in there. Sounds like you have a strong support system.

ronnie
 

[aliveinla]

Shaun, it's my first time reading your story. October 2007 when you were diagnosed, I happened to be travelling in China with my parents, celebrating my 37yo brithday, thinking I was "neg" with perfect health. I had been telling them I was married for 5 years but my wife is American couldn't speak Chinese so she never called and never visited them. It's a big headache and heartache pretending to them I am the good son with a "normal" life. They kept bugging me about having kids. -- Now I have HIV, haven't seen them after my diagnose. They are from countryside of northern China, never knew a single "gay" person in their lives not to mention HIV Poz, so I don't plan to tell them anything, but I wish somehow it all come out so that I don't have to pretend.

-- My point is although it's not the best case, maybe it's a blessing that your mom found out, now that you two can fight this disease together. I am sure she would be much more understanding than my parents.

[bear60]

Shaun
Please relax and accept this recent development as a good thing. You are going to be fine and much less stressed.
Joel

[sharkdiver]

Hey Shauny Shaun
,
  It probably brought up a lot of feelings for both of you. The "I don't know how to talk to you. You never tell me anything" speech sounds so so so familiar. I hope you relationship with your mom deepens and I hope you don't have to hide things so much anymore, well at least with her.  We are here for you, but you know that.

Hugs,
Sharkie

[komnaes]

Thanks guys... but for the first time since my diagnosis I am crying for my status now..

I need to get over this quick as she might need some care through out the night..

Only now I am beginning to realize how fucked up I am

[keyite]

What a story - don't know how I missed it first time round..

I know it doesn't seem that way right now, but I think her finding out is for the best. It was a huge burden for you to carry on your own and couldn't be good for your health in the long run. Now you will be able to support each other and that's got to be a good thing.

[xyahka]

Shauncito.... so sad you are feeling down and crying...

I have not much words to say cause eventhough i try, i feel i cannot totally put myself on your shoes.... I mean, i feel i can understand you but at the same time i feel there might be so many things in your mind right now... that only you really know.

The only thing i can do... from the bottom of my heart is to tell you i am here for you my dearest friend, and send you a big hug from this side of the world. Lots of love to you Shauncito!  .

Everything will be ok. Let love heal your heart...

Juan Carlos

[mesu]

dear shaun

dont get stresed out by this..this may be a blessing in disguise that your mom found out about your status. at least, you dont have to hide anymore and you and your mom can possibly grow closer.  Hiding is never a good feeling. Now conside it is a relieve on your part.

you may feel bad as you may think you disappointed your mom. I feel that way sometimes, but you know your mom loves you no matter what.

when you are ready, maybe you should have a chat with your mom again. i m sure she understands.

take care, my friend. let me know if you want to chat...

hugs
mesu

[Iggy]

Shaun,

This thread from the original post to the latest development is just incredible.

I can appreciate why you had not wanted to tell your mom all this time, but I am glad that it is now a moot point.  I hope the freedon from fear of being found out by her will give you a new sense of peace.

[Longislander]

Hi Shaun,

I don't know how I missed this thread back in October either~  I never expected it was revived because you would tell us your mom found out.  Like those above me have said, it will eventually be a weight off your shoulders, and hopefully your relationship with your mom will get stronger.

It's definitely OK to cry today. Holding in the secret, and the hiding has pent up the emotions you should have felt when first diagnosed.

I wish you the best with your new #'s, with your mom's health, and your realationship with her~

Paul

[joemutt]

Hi Shaun, I hope you re doing well.

[Robert]

hey shaun......

I know it's easy to say but things will work out.  My Mother knew I was gay but it was something we never talked about because she just couldn't understand it.  But she made it clear she still loved me, although that again was something she rarely said.  I don't know how she would have ever responded had she known I was positive. She died 5 years prior to my diagnosis and although I know she would have been heartbroken it would not have been because I had fucked up but, well, because that's just the way Mothers are.  Mother's love doens't include vague notions like "fucked up" and neither should you.  Be assured you have not disappointed her.  She loves you for who you are and right now she's worried you're not feeling well.  JUst get better, take care of yourself, make your Dr's appointments, go about your business and don't sell yourself short.  Your Mother doesn't and neither should you.

robert

[komnaes]

We didn't talk about it again this morning.

I woke up very early to go back to the office for a conference call - also kept awoke by pain as a lump mysteriously appeared on my left leg near, er, the very sensitive family jewel area over the weekend. I saw my family doc on saturday who gave me some antibiotic to no effect. After the call this morning I went straight to see my HIV doctor (Dr. Lee) for my lab test results and this painful lump. He didn't think it was seriously and gave me some stronger antibiotic and it seems the worst could be MRSA. He hasn't ruled it out but said unlikely, and I should pay attention to it and see him before the end of the week if it doesn't get smaller and less painful. And after taken my first painkiller it has improved significantly.

My nurse set me up with a inhouse HIV counselor - the conversation was even more painful than the lump. I couldn't focus. I was actually about to collapse emotionally. She however assured me that my mother didn't have any show of heart disease - the short of breath, chest pain and heart burn are from panic. I didn't tell her I was in the clinic but knew that she's moved it to today. At this moment she's probably talking to the counselor now. In the meantime my god mother just called, wonder why I wasn't in the clinic with her, sounding not very happy (that I would let her go alone while she was feeling unwell). Now what would happen if she finds out I am positive too...

I am back in the office briefly but thinking I should take the day off.. I still don't know what to do.... my plan is to let the counselor has a conversation with her first, and tonight, when we're both settled down some what I should just tell her the what and when, give her the assurance that I am fine, and I promise to take care of myself if not for own sake but for hers... I don't know what else to do.

[BT65]

Shaun, I don't know how I missed this either last year.  I just want you to know I'm thinking of you and sending you a hug.  {{SHAUN}}
  Luv,
Betty

[Dragonette]

hi Shaun,

you are not "fucked up". just a sexually active human being who got in the way of a virus. A conservative society and you didn't run away from anything, even though you easily could (like I did).

I can kind of feel how difficult it is to deal with your mother who has been infected under very different circumstances, how much guilt and pain is involved (aren't they always with parents, but this case is unusual).

But the reality is what it is, you are not fucked up. In fact I think you do her very proud with your success at work and devotion to her. Your becoming poz doesn't change that. I know you know that in your heart, just wanna say it... you are still you, aquiring the virus didn't change anything.

Take good care of yourself... when will you come to Europe?
It will be OK, you just need some time to absorb and adjust. You keep keeping on, you do that so well.

(((Shaun)))

[komnaes]

Thanks folks.

It will be a long term process for us to deal with this new reality but so far my mother is taking it OK. She had her own appointment yesterday and also a long chat with a counselor. I also did think fast last night - I took a friend to go home with me; he's the one I took to get my test results back in 07 and has been one of the main source of supports. A friend of over 18 years, he's our "family" lawyer who acted for us during the nasty fight with my mother's siblings over my aunt's estates. She trusts and likes him.

We had dinner together, followed by a long chat, though we didn't find the right place to confirm my status. I was back in the clinic this morning for what's been diagnosed as a pyogenic groin abscess. It's improved a lot since last weekend, which caused me enormous pain. My HIV doctor took some tissues for culture this morning and referred to see a specialist in 2 weeks. He thought since it's started to soften a lot I should just stay on the antibiotic and keep washing it. I am just happy with the fact that it's not painful anymore.

The direct admission came this afternoon.. when I returned from the clinic and told her I have taken the day off. I confirmed I just came back from the HIV clinic.

Again, I am thankful for all your supports.. and writing this down here is therapeutic to me.

Shaun

[rondrond]

I was back in the clinic this morning for what's been diagnosed as a pyogenic groin abscess. It's improved a lot since last weekend, which caused me enormous pain. My HIV doctor took some tissues for culture this morning and referred to see a specialist in 2 weeks. He thought since it's started to soften a lot I should just stay on the antibiotic and keep washing it. I am just happy with the fact that it's not painful anymore.


Holy Crap...take care of yourself. I bet you were in some pain.

[Peter Staley]

Shaun -- I know life feels very scary at this point, but the full disclosure to your mom will probably make your relationship closer and stronger.

Thanks for being so honest here -- that alone shows how strong you are.

Peter

[komnaes]

Thanks again guys,

Just some update - the abscess seems to have healed without lancing, and my specialist appointment has to be delayed because of business travel. I am taking a little risk and I have spoken to my HIV doctor already, and he said if it has almost completely healed and soften I should be OK, but it still needs to be looked at as the re-occurrence rate is very high among folks with compromised immune system. The pain however has totally gone, which has been a big relief and there's finally some more life-like color has returned to my face.

As with mumsy, her coping strategy has mainly been ignoring it. She now knows I am HIV+ but I believe she's determined that our lives should go on. It's been a tricky situation for years since I moved back after my break-up 4 years ago with a LT partner for 8 years. She took time off to visit my brother this weekend; I guess she's doing it also to give me time to be alone. She knows my way to deal with stress is play music very loud on weekends and not to be disturbed.

The really good thing is that both our energy level has somewhat gone back up a bit; not yet normal but a lot more bearable than last week while I was in pain and always tired with antibiotic; and she was well stressed and complained about being exhausted just walking around the house.

Otherwise, life goes on and in a few weeks I will ask my lawyer friend to come visit her again.

Shaun

[Bucko]

Thanks again guys,

Just some update - the abscess seems to have healed without lancing, and my specialist appointment has to be delayed because of business travel. I am taking a little risk and I have spoken to my HIV doctor already, and he said if it has almost completely healed and soften I should be OK, but it still needs to be looked at as the re-occurrence rate is very high among folks with compromised immune system. The pain however has totally gone, which has been a big relief and there's finally some more life-like color has returned to my face.

As with mumsy, her coping strategy has mainly been ignoring it. She now knows I am HIV+ but I believe she's determined that our lives should go on. It's been a tricky situation for years since I moved back after my break-up 4 years ago with a LT partner for 8 years. She took time off to visit my brother this weekend; I guess she's doing it also to give me time to be alone. She knows my way to deal with stress is play music very loud on weekends and not to be disturbed.

The really good thing is that both our energy level has somewhat gone back up a bit; not yet normal but a lot more bearable than last week while I was in pain and always tired with antibiotic; and she was well stressed and complained about being exhausted just walking around the house.

Otherwise, life goes on and in a few weeks I will ask my lawyer friend to come visit her again.

Shaun

Shaun-

Take care of that abscess. I have been hospitalized twice in the past nine months for something similar (MRSA) and trust me, it's no fun.

As far as your mother goes:
Things really are for the best that everything's out in the open between you two. It sounds as though she's very good (like all mothers, after all) at manipulating your feelings and bringing down a misplaced sense of guilt in you.

Although this is natural, it's probably not very healthy. Please remember that you can only be an effective caregiver so long as you yourself are strong and clear-headed. Falling prey to her machinations (heart disease, etc) will only weaken you, and then you'll be good for neither she nor yourself.

Be strong, sweetie-
Brent

[komnaes]

Thanks Bucko, I really do worry about that abscess thingie, and my HIV doctor keeps saying he can't rule out MRSA, though the initial results indicting that it was caused by commonly bacteria. It has now almost completely gone and soften, though I am still on some heavy anti-biotic. I wonder what would happen if I stop. If it acts up again I will need to run to the hospital again. As of now, I am hoping for the best.

Yeah, we were all worried about you... the pain was simply something to experience ..

[komnaes]

Didn't mean to resurrect this thread.. but somehow it's where I dump all my mum-related problems.

The abscess thing is of course completely gone now. I was lucky, as after a week of pain it healed rather nicely and quickly.

Why I brought this up? Believe it or not, since my mum Grave's disease diagnosis, her visits to the clinic have become more frequent. We (me and the nurses) tried to time my appointments so they won't overlap with hers. But it's happened again. Mind is next Wednesday (to get the results) but then her new appointment was also rescheduled to the same morning.

The nurse that is handling my case (Pansy) has been on top of our situations, but I got a call from Rita the head nurse instead this afternoon. She actually asked if I wanted to come together with my mum for both our appointments. I knew instantly her plan is to fix us up for a session with the in-house counselor (because if it was about any signs of her health turning for the worst she would have told me). I hesitated for a second, but then said no, told her I was not ready yet. I may come one time with her soon, as I did in the past, but not both of us having to see Doctor Li on the same day.

She didn't try to convince me otherwise, but she did mention that she's been paying a lot attention to both our situations, which I took as a way of telling me that I should trust their judgment and come with her... the thing is, I don't really like the counselor, and my mum too. She told me as much. I wonder when is a good time, or if there's ever gonna be a good time for us to be in a counseling session together.

I'm sure it will come up again soon, but for now I have rescheduled mind..

[Miss Philicia]

I wonder when is a good time, or if there's ever gonna be a good time for us to be in a counseling session together.

Miss Thing, you know I love you most dearly, but as a friend I must duly note here that you are simply making excuses to avoid this.

Have you ever asked yourself if you're actually causing your mother more angst rather than what you are considering less?  I mean, it's like she knows about your health but can't talk about it, not because of her but because of you... yet there she is sick and having to internally deal with this.  Come on, girl! 

I'm sorry, but I felt I needed to say this.  I'm usually not one to intervene with such things.

[komnaes]

You hit it right on Philly...

Now I am here thinking things over.. it's part of me who don't want to go to the clinic more often than I have to.

I haven't been to the clinic with her since my own diagnosis - I used to do it whenever I could, now I just asked the nurses about her during my appointments. Deep down I can't really deal with the feeling that I am a disappointment to her, to everyone, to myself, for acting so stupidly that one year after my broke-up, despite seeing a few of my best friends passed away because of and my own mother suffering from this horrible bug that should have been totally preventable in my own case.

I will think through it again... or to get through this feeling of being such a let-down to her..

[Miss Philicia]

Honey, how can she see you as a "disappointment"?  She's got the bug too!  Seriously honey, you just KEEP making up excuses.  I told you this long ago, and you're dragging it all out and just causing yourself lots and lots of anxiety -- this is not healthy for you or your mother, and I think you're missing this lovely opportunity to become closer to your mother, and form this great mutual bond of support.  How many infected individuals are given this kind of opportunity?

You need to seize the moment, and view the situation as a positive thing (no pun intended) and not a negative one.  Stop it with this guilt crap about getting infected -- that's over and done with, and leads you nowhere.  You got messy one night, made a huge mistake... move along now.  You've got to keep moving forward and not allow such inner destructive thoughts to gather.  Do it for your mother.  She'd hate knowing how miserable you are.

And the clinic you go to is really trying to nudge you, in the same manner that I am -- take advantage of it and just bite the bullet.  Make the appointment with the counselor there and you'll finally release yourself from this misery.  It's just going to end up eating you up... it already is honey, and it will just get worse.

[komnaes]

I hear you Philly.. and I am thankful of the intervention.

I thought about the whole thing a lot last night, and thought back to how things have been since she found out. I know I am hiding my head in the sand, and I know she has wanted me to go with her again to the clinic. It'll be done, but just not now, not this month. I am not ready.

[Miss Philicia]

That's cool Shaun, you'll do eventually.  I still encourage you to do the one-on-one therapy thing before going into the co-counseling with your mother.  This should help you prepare mentally for what you will deal with in the co-counseling, and help you get over any fear.

I went through all of this, in a sort of different way, when it came time for me to tell my parents about my own diagnosis.  I procrastinated for a decade and began having nervous breakdowns -- it was really most un-fetching, and quite out of character.  Therapy sessions before I had the discussion greatly helped me, as did prescriptions for sedatives