Author Topic: Depressed Again :/ (Read 8796 times)

RobbyR · « **on:** June 19, 2016, 06:15:15 pm »

Having a really hard time right now not dealing with things very well. Got a job a few weeks ago, all in all it's going well considering I had little to no work experience got a job as a clerk at a law firm by sheer tenacity and persistence. It's pretty overwhelming at times, lots of technical stuff, figuring out Microsoft Word, the copier, printer, etc, and the software program that they use. Basically it's not too complicated, I sort files and then certain ones I have to input into a computer system, which can be tricky, but I've just been there 4 weeks, and am trying hard. Most people there have been nice, one of the other clerks is the son of the main partner lawyer at the firm, and that completely freaks me out when he's around. Also, he always comes to me at least once a week or so and tells me something I did or asks about something I did as if to point it out as something wrong which really hurts my confidence. He's never said it in a derogatory or mean way, but it feels a little condescending, but I can only just try my best, I am not the most computer savvy person, and I am trying my best.

My dating life is still nowhere. I have no friends and nobody to hang out with. I've always felt like a bit of an outlier, even among gays, it just seems like all the gays want butch, hyper masculine men, and nobody values me as a person or looks at me as someone other than a "token gay" type, the happy go lucky token gay, I come off as fairly bubbly in person, but I am hurting and deeply sad inside. I feel lonely and unvalued. There's a couple of gay guys at my work, who are cordial, but they always hang out in the break room, but I nobody ever seems to want to talk to me or really get to know me. I am a little shy, granted, but I make eye contact and am nice to people but it just seems like guys don't much want to talk to me

I have gone through severe depression before, no secret to anyone on here, it seems to be rising it's ugly head again. I have not been on Atripla since I switched to Stribild many months ago, and I noticed a big difference, but my depression is still very much with me. Right now is one of the worst periods it's been since I stopped Atripla. Some things in my life have turned around, like getting a job, but I am trying soo hard to not fuck up, it is stressing me out, and also I feel like I have nobody to talk to or that nobody wants to get to know me. I have been crying a lot this weekend I know there's a lot of bigger problems in the world than mine, just needed to get some of this out. I am feeling sad.

RobbyR · « **Reply #1 on:** June 19, 2016, 08:44:48 pm »

Took a xanax feeling a bit better, but I realize I am experiencing some ptsd. The Orlando mess really upset me and just sometimes seem to seem overwhelming. Music helps. But all these years later, I am also still very upset over 9/11. May seem dumb but can't get it out of my head, I was home from college that day and was watching tv and saw the whole thing live on tv I can't get those images out of my head

I saw people jumping and stuff and everytime shit like Orlando happens again it brings it all back. Anyway, going to call my doc tomorrow and tell him I've had some bad depression again. Wish me luck.

bocker3 · « **Reply #2 on:** June 19, 2016, 08:48:17 pm »

Hi Robby,

Sorry that you are feeling this way! I'm glad to read that you are going to talk to your doctor tomorrow -- that's a good move.
In the meantime -- remember that you always have us here. Getting your feelings out can often help alot.

Good luck tomorrow -- and keep us posted on how you are doing! People do care!!

Mike

RobbyR · « **Reply #3 on:** June 22, 2016, 08:34:52 pm »

Thanks for listening. Doing a bit better now, the doctor is upping my Lexapro dosage and also my xanax. I am feeling a lot better, still dealing with anxiety, but that never completely goes away, but have had a few better days. Thanks for listening again. Work is going ok, try to take it day by day. I think they like me ok, this one kid is a bit of an asshole, but I try to just interact as little as possible with him.Overall I am thankful for things.

mecch · « **Reply #4 on:** June 23, 2016, 08:05:04 am »

Congrats on the job Robby.

Working is probably going to push some of your self-esteem buttons. The guy who talks to you about things you might have done wrong. Try to keep some distance intellectually from people at work and see it from the global perspective.

Part of doing a job is doing it the way the company wants it, needs it, so a worker is always going to get "corrections" and in order to work with peace of mind, everyone has to learn to take this part of working with some distance and constructively. Also, in general, work is not set up to give people non-stop positive reinforcement. I mean some offices do better at this than others. If you are new, there will be some people thanking you for doing a good job and others suggesting ways to improve, its just the way it is. And sometimes there isn't much feedback at all.

Anyway, in a sane or healthy office, all this is for the most part about work so we all try to not take it personally, meaning its not about our person. Its not easy to do but it gets easier as one gets on.

Keep your psychic energies free to get through the first couple months of working and eventually it will get easier. You don't have to solve your friend problem at this time.

You were posting for maybe a few months about your success and enjoyment in your sex life, so maybe take that as something going well, and be happy with baby steps forward all around.

RobbyR · « **Reply #5 on:** June 24, 2016, 09:59:12 pm »

I'm grateful for the parts of my life that have improved, most people seem to like me ok at work, trying not to take things too personal and just go day by day. I think people see my hard work and dedication. At least I hope. I'm struggling though with emotional and lonliness. People might think if they meet me I'm a happy go lucky funny guy which I am on some level I guess, but I feel like nobody really takes the time to get to know ME. I chat with this girl at work, she's really nice and seems to love her gays lol. She's talked about having me come join her and some co workers to hang out after hours and have drinks or something. I'd love to, I've never really had any friends before, but it seems like everytime the weekend rolls around I never hear from her. Also none of my co workers have added me on Facebook yet. Maybe they just don't feel they know me yet, having only been there a month, but I would like to make a couple of friends. I always seem to feel like the odd man out, nobody ever seems to get to know me. There is this one charming older lady at work who is a total sweetie, very gruff demeanor, but very sweet when we talk, she always talks to me about how much she loves drag shows and female impersonation, and right out in the open. Lol.

Dating wise, things are still non existant. I don't want anything serious right now, but I'd love a friend or two with benefits or evern just someone to cuddle with sometimes. But guys just don't talk to me online. It's like they clam up when I enter a room or in a chat room. Maybe I am not approachable? Or maybe I'm just too feminine? Or ugly? I am not sure. Just confused. I feel a lot of times like I am just someone people talk to to fill time and considered merely an option not a priority by anyone, and that really hurts.

RobbyR · « **Reply #6 on:** June 24, 2016, 10:14:10 pm »

gay pride is tomorrow, and I wanted to go but I'm not going to because I have noone to go with. I have no friends. People at work say "oh let's hang out it would be so fun" "you should text me" I say, "I will". And nothing. Never a peep from these people. I don't get why people are cordial like that at work and seem cool but then don't text on the weekend. And as far as Grindr or Scruff, guys on there don't even talk to me. It's like I am an ant, not even worthy of a hello. Or a response, on the rare occasion that I even bother to say hello to someone first. I feel worthless and ugly and because I am not buff muscular or even that masculine I feel like I am a joke that people smile to but the minute my back's turned they probably snicker about me and think I am just a token gay guy. I dunno. I just feel lonesome. I do feel I am a funny person believe it or not depression aside, and have a lot of qualities to offer, but nobody seems to ever get to know me or even acknowledge me much.

zach · « **Reply #7 on:** June 24, 2016, 10:54:58 pm »

robby, you won't be the only guy there that didn't show up with someone... be open to meeting someone

don't miss this pride, i think you of all people, especially right now, you need some community... just go man, let yourself have a good time

RobbyR · « **Reply #8 on:** June 25, 2016, 12:20:40 pm »

Right but I just don't want to go alone again and feel stupid. I went a few years ago and went all around to all the booths and hung around and nobody talked to me I felt completely stupid. I ended up sitting on a sidewalk with people walking past me. It was extremely awkward. Most people go in groups or with friends but seeing as I have no friends..Yea that's not happening.

RobbyR · « **Reply #9 on:** June 25, 2016, 01:05:16 pm »

I guess I'll put an ad on craigslist and try to meet someone that way. Because every other way clearly isn't working people must find me so completely repulsive that I'm not worthy of basic simple company.

RobbyR · « **Reply #10 on:** June 25, 2016, 03:19:38 pm »

I'm just so sick of being ignored and by people treating me like an option and never a priority I don't feel valued or hardly acknowledged by anyone. I feel completely excluded by the gay community I have no gay friends and I am openly gay. It seems like everyone says "ddf" or "must be masculine" or "must be ripped" etc etc. I mean I am what I am. At this point I'd be happy with even just a cuddle buddy it wouldn't even have to be a full time friendship. I'm just really lonely.

RobbyR · « **Reply #11 on:** June 25, 2016, 03:22:18 pm »

I didn't go to pride again because nobody asked me, my so-called "friends" at work who told me all week they wanted to "hangout" this weekend never texted me. So yea. People show you who they are by their actions not their words. So yea.

zach · « **Reply #12 on:** June 25, 2016, 03:35:01 pm »

pride isn't the prom, you don't get "asked out to pride"

the first pride i ever went to was by total accident, i was only going to the dog park, and stumbled into something... fabulous

you're shutting yourself off robby, no one is doing that to you... you feel isolated from your community because you won't go be a part of that community

be open to having a good time, serendipity doesn't strike at home

bocker3 · « **Reply #13 on:** June 25, 2016, 04:15:49 pm »

Quote from: RobbyR on June 25, 2016, 03:22:18 pm

my so-called "friends" at work who told me all week they wanted to "hangout" this weekend never texted me. So yea. People show you who they are by their actions not their words. So yea.

Hmmmm? Did you text them? Someone has to make that first move -- instead of waiting for others to reach out, try reaching out yourself. Perhaps by waiting for them, if that is what you are doing, you could be seen as "stand-offish"? What have you got to lose by reaching out to them first. Perhaps it's too late for today (perhaps not -- I have no idea what is going on in your city), but making the first move may be what is needed. As Zach said, sitting at home and waiting for something good to happen isn't going to turn out the way you want.

Mike

RobbyR · « **Reply #14 on:** June 25, 2016, 04:31:35 pm »

Well but I overhear guys at work talking about how they got asked out to Pride. And as usual, here I am, nothing. I just don't know how to make the first move. I know usually online I don't message first, I figure if someone is interested, they'll message me. Because when I do message someone, typically they don't reply, or if they do, it's a courtesy brief response then nothing. How do you make the first move when you don't even know what the first move is? I'm just looking for friends, company, other gay guys to hang out with, maybe more if we click. But as I've said, online, I get virtually zero responses or hits, and none ever come to anything. So I'm not sure what to do. I am who I am, I am not going to be someone I am not.

Like I said I went to Pride a couple of times before, and nothing ever happened. Nobody talked to me or came up to me.

I hit guys up online and say hello, but most don't respond. And awhile back, some guy said, "not interested". That hurts. Kind of makes me scared to reach out.

Awhile back I got up courage and went to an adult bookstore/porn shop, and hung out there a bit (yea I know not the best place) but as usual, nothing came of it, just stood around and no guys hit on me. Left alone. And I even wore my best wranglers.

mecch · « **Reply #15 on:** June 25, 2016, 06:38:43 pm »

RobbyR

I am confused. I seem to remember recently you, for a few months, talking about your sex life being back and how you were glad to have the ED drugs and feeling confident in sex.

Now you are saying you can't meet anyone and nobody even talks to you. Even in the cruisy book shop.

So who were you doing?

As an aside, I would say, do not look to your work place to solve your social isolation and to provide you friends. That might happen, but again, it might not. A lot of people are "friendly" at work but don't necessarily find friends at work.

It sounds like you need an activity that is not work-related but is social.... Any ideas?

Even a fitness club perhaps. Or some sport. Or something.

I commiserate. Lots of people are on their phones all the time now. I went to a sex club a few weeks ago and was dismayed to see the guys there were mostly looking at their phones. I mean, WTF.

World is going to hell in a hand basket.

RobbyR · « **Reply #16 on:** June 25, 2016, 08:25:06 pm »

Here's the thing I have bouts of depression and lonliness but then I snap out of it and am able to function and on the outside probably come across as sassy and clairvoyant. Work is pretty cool, most there are nice. I've hit it off with a really fun blonde girl there who's about my age, we always chat and banter and make small talk and shit. And she loves gays lol. She keeps talking about that we should hang out sometime, but not sure if that's just empty work talk or if she's serious. Anyway, I won't put much stock in it yet, work isa kind of precarious setting to try and get too friendly with people. It's a fine line. There is a guy who works there who I have a MAJOR crush on he's so sweet. He's the billing clerk and is roomates with the HR director's gay assistant. I think he's bi or something but who knows. He's really hot and seems sweet but shy. I want to talk to him some but all I've ever gotten out is "how's it going" and he'll reply. Again work is a precarious setting to pursue that kind of thing so I'm being cautious but I also want to be social with my co-workers.

How should I approach that?

As far as my sex life goes, it's hit or miss, but performance wise, at least, on such time that the occasion arises, I have no issues anymore, the ED meds took care of that! The problem now simply is that I can't hardly find any action period.

I agree I need to find somewhere outside of work to maybe find people to socially hang with. If my blonde co worker and I continue getting to know each other asf riends maybe she and I will have drinks sometime, but other than that, I am thinking of reaching out to the local psychic/mystic fair group, right up my alley, I am very interested in the supernatural and elements of psychic ability. Might be a fun place to meet other like minded people.

mecch · « **Reply #17 on:** June 26, 2016, 08:08:59 pm »

The fair group sounds like a good plan.

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Author Topic: Depressed Again :/ (Read 8796 times)