And the point of it all is...?

[newt]

A long talk with my ex and we agreed it was the bloody Sustiva, yes when he started that drug that his anxiety got difficult and his personality changed, and he confessed to me for 2 years he cried every day going to work, and slept not a night without evil dreams, and it was only, kinda by accident he discovered stimulant drugs made him feel normal, not high, normal.

Well one thing led to another, the rest is history, we are history...

And his new man dumped him when, post-Sustiva, he realised the coke fest wasn't gonna go on...Nice to have the old God-is-in-my-eyes boy back, not nice to have the consequences (and the rest). Amazing how an orange standard of care pill can paint you into a corner.

It is 10 years, not to the day but roughly, R took his life cos he couldn't hack the idea of getting ill. Was a year before combo hit the South Coast in a big way, and anyhow his friends in NY were suffering on the drugs..so why bother? I miss R.

C is in hopsital, may never come out, some kind of bacterial infection. Despite reasonable numbers.

J's CMV retinitis took the last of his sight in a flare up in Jan.

D's gall bladder fucked up and his lipids are through the roof -- I am an expert in gourmet no-fat cooking but every spoonful of fatless tomato soup just says lipo in the basil leaves.

I met M's ex in town, by chance, and he asked "What happened to him?" -- he didn't even know he died in 1997.

On a good note, (nearly) all the rest of my friends all undetectable and well, JH got off all the drugs (without any fucking help but his friends) and his dog has the most splendid puppies, and M had a 6lb 4oz baby yesterday by vaginal birth.

James is a top band and playing right now is "Sometimes"

There's a storm outside, and the gap between crack and thunder
Crack and thunder, is closing in, is closing in
The rain floods gutters, and makes a great sound on the concrete
On a flat roof, there's a boy leaning against the wall of rain
Aerial held high, calling "come on thunder, come on thunder"

Sometimes, when I look deep in your eyes, I swear I can see your soul

How I wish

- matt

Now playing: Indigo Girls, Closer to Fine

Edited for punctuation

[Jody]

Hi Newt...Well I guess the point of it all is that you are there for your friends who have struggled so much and are there for those doing better.  You have been a rock to so many folks here on this website with your intelligent advice, your friends are very lucky indeed.

I am able to handle most HIV drugs fairly well, I am fortunate in that, but Sustiva I only stayed on for a very short time, the mental part I could not handle...Could your ex not have switched to say Viramune or was he resistant and had to stay on Sustiva as long as he did.

Take care and keep yourself well.

Jody

[thunter34]

Here, and more than a little dumbstruck.  Seeing it.  Taking it in, but in the moment I got nothin.

Only a few little keystrokes in acknowledgement to you that I was here.

And I don't know either.

Wish I knew.

[komnaes]

James is a top band and playing right now is "Sometimes"

I love James.. just by accident I took out the CD "Laid" and played a few tracks including "Sometimes" from it last night.. hmmmmm.. and then also Millionaire. I love the song "I Know What I Am Here For" too. "Sit Down" can cheers me everytimes I play it.

[minismom]

Matt, hun, I don't know what to say.  I know that when you've upheld so many, it's hard to find someone to uphold you.  You've meant a lot to me and Mini.  I would never have found the nerve to change her meds without your gentle, and consistant, nudging.  I wouldn't have even known that it was an option for her.  She's better off for it.  I'm better off for it. 

My thank-you doesn't cover a whole lot, but it's said with all honesty and affection.  I wish I could give you more.

Mum

[newt]

Thanks

there's nowt to say really, just a moment

Just realised there are two M's in my first post - two different people. Anyhow, I came up witht the baby's name -- Nabulungi (beautiful), Nabulungi Rachel (last after her maternal grandmother's Christian name).

- matt

Now playing: Tumi & the Volume, 76 (off At The Baseline)

[minismom]

Congrats to Mum and new baby.  What an awesome name!  Have you been able to see her yet?  How's mum doing?

Mum - who always finds hope in the world when a new life arrives.

[anniebc]

So many words going around my head after reading your post Newt, I know they are in there somwhere but I'm struggling, I just can't seen to get them out.

All I can come up with is a quote from an unknown Author

Our lives are like the course of the sun
In our darkest moments
there is always a promise of daylight.

I'm sure the name you have chosen for the baby suits her perfectly.

Hugs
Jan

[aztecan]

Newt,

You have conjured up many thoughts, perhaps none of them relative to anyone but me, and many memories.

There may be no point, aside from the fact we have been able to share out humanity.

HUGS,

Mark

[Iggy]

Glad this is via the internet because I think my bad Brooklyn accent trying to say I don't know what to say would make it come across even worse.

truth is that I don't know what to say, but felt that just acknowledging what you wrote was important.

[Winiroo]

I love accents!

They are one of my "not secret now" weirdo pleasures.

[BT65]

Matt, not sure I can put anything into correct wording after reading that.  I understand.  And I always follow your posts, because you truly are an inspiration. 
  {{LUV}}}

[Cliff]

Ah the Sustiva!  Glad the No. 1 boy is back.  Funny times.  Don't know if I should feel sad or not.  My volunteer client of a year (and then some) passed away a couple of weekends ago (one bacterial infection too many).  Spent time with him just about every Sunday.  Most times I am indifferent to this virus (I think), but sometimes (like now) I get mad.

My boy moved out (this weekend).  We need space.  With only one side full of products, the his and his vanity area looks pathetic.  And to make matters worse, the mirrored lighting (on the lonely side) is blinking out.

But life goes on. The Sun was particularly bright today.  HSBC loses $17 billion in America and still manages to make a $24 billion profit.  And beautiful babies are being born to positive families.  Hope dinner was good.  Italy was.  While wrestling pax for armrest space, and passing over Brighton on to Gatwick, I smiled at you (but realised you probably weren't there).  Speak soon.

Cliff

now playing: Free, Denice Williams (our song...and oh so on point)

Whispering in his ear
my magic potion for love
telling him I'm sincere
and that there's
nothing too good for us
and I just got to be free

[Robert]

 Hi matt.

I've often thought nobody says it better than Iggy.  But you come a close second.

robert 

[Assurbanipal]

Echo, parlant quand bruyt on maine   
Dessus rivière ou sus estan,   
Qui beaulté ot trop plus qu'humaine?   
Mais où sont les neiges d'antan!