Starting a Magnetic relationship.

[somethingNew]

Hello,
         I am a HIV- man and I have meet an amazing woman who has told me she is HIV+.  I was very surprised by my own reactions, being I didn't run away screaming. I know I am a strong enough to deal with the emotional aspects of being with her but I am concerned for my health with is I'm sure very normal.  I realized after we talked about it that I had 0 knowledge on the subject so I started doing some research. I know know 2 things. One it is possible to do to much research and two I really like this girl to consider doing the research. What I found from my research is that the main thing is to be safe. Well that is rather obvious and I also came to the conclusion that if I asked the people that were writing on the website I looked at "Would you have a magnetic relationship?" they would most likely say no. I am completely new to this. I have a few questions I would like to ask the crowd.
What are CD4 and what area should they be in for the safest encounters?
What about Viral Load?
Is oral sex to me ok unpretected if the numbers/\ are in good range?
Is oral sex on her ok unpretected if the numbers are in good range?
Should I consider PrEP? And do I have to see a doctor to get it?
How often after the relationship becomes physical should I be tested?
What other questions should I be asking?
In closing I really like this woman and I can see a future with her. She has had a child two years ago and carried while HIV+, that's a great sign right? I know she is on treatment and she understands my concerns and I'm sure she is very happy that I'm on this site asking questions. But I think the main reason I am here is not only because of my questions but also because I would like so tips and Ideas on being safe as well as testimonies from other people like me.  I think this would really clear my head and relax my fears. Thank you anyone that reads and post on this. I love this site by the way SUPER informative.  Also please forgive me and point me in the right direction if a topic of this nature is already post, I however did not fine one.

[jkinatl2]

I only just finished writing a message to a gay guy who is the positive partner in a magnetic relationship. I am inherently lazy, and will liberally borrow from that post.

Please forgive.

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=48647.msg588985;topicseen#msg588985

Note: You can read that, but please don't post in that thread.


Basically, her CD4 count is meaningless when it comes to safer sex. It matters when it concerns her health of course, but her ability to transmit the virus depends on her viral load (VL.) If her VL is undetectable (UD) then the chance of you getting HIV from unprotected vaginal or anal sex with her is essentially the same as if you use a condom - meaning, essentially none.

If your girlfriend is on medication, and her VL is UD, you are safe no matter what you do. Some people still choose condoms, and some people go so far as to take a medicine like Truvada to form a chemical barrier. That's not an inexpensive drug, and there might be side effects. It really depends on your comfort level. And yes, you would need a prescription to get preventative meds, as well as getting your liver and kidney functions tested regularly, as you would essentially be on a (partial) HIV regimen.

Now, if she HAS a detectable viral load, you should use a condom for vaginal sex until she is undetectable.

Performing oral sex on her will not infect you with HIV.

There have been no fewer than three separate serodiscordant studies done. One lasted ten years, one five, and one three. In these studies, condoms were used for anal and vaginal sex but no barrier at all was used for oral activity or any kind. These studies followed people on and off meds, with viral loads ranging from UD to the millions.

Her performing oral sex on YOU will not transmit HIV.

Saliva contains over a dozen identified elements that neutralize HIV and render it incapable of infecting. In addition, the receptive cells that are targeted by HIV are not found in any abundance in the mouth and oral cavity.

Overal, HIV is far more difficult to transmit from female to male (or, in the post I linked, from receptive partner to insertive partner) in the absence of other STDs and if you are in a mututally monogamous relationship.

Like I said in the other thread, I have been in three long-ish term megnetic relationships, and am closing in on the two-year point on another one. None of my partners have been infected by me. There have been dark times when the only resason I took my meds was to protect them. And it's worked.

I am a moderator on this site in the AM I INFECTED forum, by the way, and have worked in HIV prevention since 1994. For what that's worth.

PLEASE take a few minutes and peruse the LESSONS at the top of these pages. There are some well-written primers on HIV that cover CD4 count, viral load, all the avaibale medicine, and prevention. This is a science-based site that does NOT, I am proud to say, copy and paste from other sources for the most part. And we try to stay current. I am prejudiced, but I am right

You guys are lucky to have found one another.

[Ann]

Hi New, welcome to the forums.

I was in a relationship with an hiv negative man for over eight years. I was diagnosed a year and a half into that relationship, during which time we never used condoms, and he remained hiv negative and is hiv negative to this day.

We had pretty much every type of sex you can think of both before and after my diagnosis. The only difference post diagnosis was that we used condoms for intercourse. I wasn't on meds back then (we split up about six years ago for reasons other than hiv).

I am on meds now and if I were in a serodiscordant relationship today, I'm not sure we'd bother with condoms (I've been UD for about eight months now). Of course the condom thing would ultimately be his decision, but I'd be comfortable not using them (provided of course he wasn't having unprotected intercourse with other people outside our relationship). And believe me when I tell you I absolutely do NOT want to be responsible for the infection of another person.

My (ex)partner was tested immediately once my own diagnosis was confirmed and he tested negative. He was then tested again three months after the last time we had unprotected intercourse - negative again. During the first year of my diagnosis he tested a total of four times, three months apart each time. (The window period for a conclusive negative result is three months.) At that point we realised we were doing all we needed in order to keep him hiv negative (ie using condoms).

At the clinic's insistence, he tested yearly after that for a few years, but by the time we split up he hadn't tested in several years. I insisted he go test after we split, not because I feared he might test positive, but because if he tested positive sometime later down the line, I didn't want to be the one to be considered the source of his infection.

(You see, the reason we split was because I found out he'd begun a "fuck-buddy"-type relationship with an ex-wife and had been having unprotected intercourse with her. If he was doing it with her, I figured he hadn't learned much from my experience and was probably not going to bother to use condoms with other women going forward. I also managed to convince him to convince her to also test, just to be prudent. They both tested negative.)

You asked "How often after the relationship becomes physical should I be tested?" You should be tested BEFORE the relationship becomes physical, not only for hiv, but for all the other STIs as well. Many STIs, including but not limited to hiv, can be present with no obvious symptoms so the ONLY way to know for sure if you are STI-free is to test. Any sexually active adult should be having a full STI screen at least once a year, or more often if you're very active or if unprotected intercourse has occurred.

You need to be tested before, because you wouldn't be the first, nor the last, person who assumed they were hiv negative before they embarked on a relationship with an hiv positive person when that wasn't the case at all. And of course, all too often the positive person in the relationship gets the blame when it was, in fact, someone in the "negative" person's past.

So again, you need to test BEFORE you have intercourse with your new woman to rule out a pre-existing hiv infection (or other STI) of your own.

Good luck going forward. Love can and will overcome hiv.

Ann