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Author Topic: Went to a party yesterday..  (Read 6386 times)

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Offline skeebo1969

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Went to a party yesterday..
« on: May 23, 2010, 03:52:13 pm »
   One of my wife's friends had a BBQ style birthday party at their house yesterday and we were invited.  When we arrived it was already in full throw.  When I walked through the door the reception was noticeably cold towards me, my mother-in-law who came along noticed it as well.  I've met my wife's friend's husband on previous occassion and have had extensive conversations with him .  I thought we were cool for the most part.  This is the first time we have been invited to their house for a party with their friends there.

   No one would make eye contact with me, talk to me, or anything that even remotely resembled just over all friendliness.  So I just took my two year old to their pool and had a great time with her, none of it bothered me really.

   So everything was cool, right?

   When my wife and I are leaving she looks at me and tells me she is so sorry.  I was like, sorry for what?  I told her I've been dealing with this kind of treatment since I started dating and it really doesn't bother me anymore.... BUT, I've never had this type of situation make someone I love cry.

   She cried...  needless to say I wanted to go back in, but used my better judgement of course.  

   Many of her friends know our status.  All her friends at her party were white, I don't want to think race played a part in this.  I was hesitant to even mention this aspect due to the discussion we've had around the forums as of late.  Personally, I think it may have been my tattoos and dreads, or it could have been my status, or perhaps it was the white and black couple thing..  I don't know.

   My wife talked to her mother a little while ago and her mother told her one of her other friends at the party was talking bad about me to another guy, nothing she knows mind you, no this was strictly my appearance.  Like I said, I could give a crap, but I do care now because she is upset once again.

   She was crying a little while ago and said, you know it really hurts when people you thought you knew for so long do something like this to surprise you.  So now I feel somewhat responsible for her pain.  You guys know what I would really like to do...

   What would you guys do?  Should I just keep my mouth closed since they are her friends?  I pretty much intend on taking this stance, but something in me is burning to speak my mind.
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline GSOgymrat

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Re: Went to a party yesterday..
« Reply #1 on: May 23, 2010, 04:27:49 pm »
I'm sorry you were treated so poorly. If I were in your position I would want to know what is going on. I can't ignore personal criticism unless I know it is unjustified or I make ammends-- but that's just me. Maybe you could discuss the situation more with your wife or someone else with whom you have a good relationship.

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: Went to a party yesterday..
« Reply #2 on: May 23, 2010, 04:48:48 pm »
I'm not sure what if anything you can do about how you were treated. But I do think the one person you ought to be talking with is your wife. Get her take on what it was about and what she thinks, if anything, should be done. The two of you supporting each other seems to me the most important thing.

Best to you.
Andy Velez

Offline mecch

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Re: Went to a party yesterday..
« Reply #3 on: May 23, 2010, 04:52:54 pm »
If they are her friends, she might discretely talk about what happened and why with them.
Also, you say it didnt bother you much.  Sure about that? I would have bothered me but like you I dont know what I would have done at the time. 
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline leese43

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Re: Went to a party yesterday..
« Reply #4 on: May 23, 2010, 04:53:32 pm »
You're not responible for her pain, they are..
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Offline next2u

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Re: Went to a party yesterday..
« Reply #5 on: May 23, 2010, 05:24:17 pm »
man skeebo, that blows. when i first started reading the thread i thought the folks were black. when i scrolled down and saw they were white it really didnt change anything... assholes come in all colors.

i second what the others have said. support  your wife. let her deal with these people and support her appropriately. if she has to deal with these people on a regular basis then she will do what is best with them. if you run into them again you can definitely bring it up and go about doing so in the best possible way. i'm not sure what a confrontation on any level would resolve but i know i tend to confront a lot of people : ).

so sorry you had to go through this and your wife was hurt. honestly, multiple issues could have easily been at work with those assholes. people house multiple biases and they interact complexly and help them to form their fucked opinions which they manifest in stupid high school like ways.

and you didnt even mention anything about the food  >:(. that fucking sucks also.

you want to speak your mind (this is probably why, but i could be wrong) because you and your family were wronged. when put in a situation like this is natural to want to defend one and ones family and make things right. not to be all machismo but damnit, there is something that strikes the heart of men (and women...not that sexist) that makes us unnerved in situations were our spouses are harmed.

you a good man skeebo. hook your wife up with that support and the two of you will come up with the best solution. it just might be to put those fuckers out your lives till they grew a brain.

best,
d
midapr07 - seroconversion
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Offline skeebo1969

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Re: Went to a party yesterday..
« Reply #6 on: May 23, 2010, 05:38:25 pm »
I'm sorry you were treated so poorly. If I were in your position I would want to know what is going on. I can't ignore personal criticism unless I know it is unjustified or I make ammends-- but that's just me. Maybe you could discuss the situation more with your wife or someone else with whom you have a good relationship.

It is what it is.  In retrospect I probably would have said something, but you see they were not doing anything overtly indicative of their feelings, atleast that I could see.  It was my mother-in-law who was eves dropping and heard some negative comments and giggles.  Of course wouldn't you know, she can't really say what it was they were saying.  My wife and I have discussed this in great detail.  It was a 2 hour car ride back home, her disappointment was evident.  Before I got wind of my mother-in-laws info, I pretty much gathered I was just around a bunch of people who didn't know me, and that was it.  They were drinking a lot and I don't drink.. It's best I didn't know at the time.

I'm not sure what if anything you can do about how you were treated. But I do think the one person you ought to be talking with is your wife. Get her take on what it was about and what she thinks, if anything, should be done. The two of you supporting each other seems to me the most important thing.

Best to you.


Oh, we're on good terms, I'm not getting any negative vibes what so ever. I just feel bad for her. trust I'm there as well; she is my best friend.

If they are her friends, she might discretely talk about what happened and why with them.
Also, you say it didnt bother you much.  Sure about that? I would have bothered me but like you I dont know what I would have done at the time.  

She is most likely going to talk to the friend that hosted the party.  The one friend that her mother heard talking about me I think has already been mentally cut-off by my wife.  Ya know, it bothers in one sense, but then in another I don't care.  Concerning my wife's feeling I am pissed and to tell the truth would love to have a do-over at the party.  But for me, my feelings,  are totally indifferent.

You're not responible for her pain, they are..


You're wise, good catch.  I thank you very much. :)

Thanks Ford, Mecch, Andy, and Dee as well.   
« Last Edit: May 23, 2010, 05:44:46 pm by skeebo1969 »
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline Jeff G

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Re: Went to a party yesterday..
« Reply #7 on: May 23, 2010, 06:06:14 pm »
I can useally deal with a personal slight much better when it effects only me but its a whole diffrent story when someone hurts people I love .

The only constructive thing I can think to say to you is I'm so very sorry this happend to you and your wife . Its such a little thing but its all I got to offer you .  
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Offline leatherman

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Re: Went to a party yesterday..
« Reply #8 on: May 23, 2010, 06:15:28 pm »
what a mess, man. I feel bad for you and the family just reading your story. :'(

Even though it's easy to man-up, put on the brave face, and say it doesn't trouble you that the party people were doing you wrong, everybody that's been on the other end of being whispered about, knows it hurts and sucks.

Especially when all of us know what a good guy you are. :-* Too bad those assholes didn't even try to make you, the guest, comfortable and get to know you, instead of making snap bigoted judgements due to the tats and dreds.

although, as some explanation for the "other side", you probably scared the bejesus out the vanilla folks there.  :D so their reaction was a response to the fear of the "unknown and different".

trust me. being out and proud with my tats, earring, leftover 80s rat-tail, and leathers I often get the same type of reaction. And if none of those get to people, just let me strip off my shirt and flash my pierced nipples. ROFLMAO I love going shirtless after the water rides and freaking out the "straights" walking around the amusement park. :D ;D

But these kinds of situations are why mommies are supposed to teach their children to not judge a book by it's cover. ;)

I would suggest you and the wife keep open communication about this, but probably let her deal with her "friends". Although she probably just got a lesson in who her friends really are. That has probably troubled her too. Not only did her "friends" make you feel put out which was hurting her honey; but in doing that her friends turned on her and let her down too.

Perhaps y'all should, and I know this would be hard but would definitely show y'all to be the better people, host a party and show these people how guests are supposed to be treated.

Kill them with kindness, my momma always said. ;) Or was it you can get better results using honey instead of vinegar? mmm honey and vinegar. Both are in BBQ sauce, so maybe you should use both. LOL
leatherman (aka Michael)

We were standing all alone
You were leaning in to speak to me
Acting like a mover shaker
Dancing to Madonna then you kissed me
And I think about it all the time
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Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: Went to a party yesterday..
« Reply #9 on: May 23, 2010, 06:17:50 pm »
Sorry you went through that Thomas, I probably would have just left.  Were the burgers any good?
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline GNYC09

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Re: Went to a party yesterday..
« Reply #10 on: May 23, 2010, 06:54:22 pm »
Sorry to hear this and how it's affected your family.  They were ignorant and close-minded to judge you and talk behind your back.  I think it's good that your wife is talking to the host.  Hopefully the host will make an effort to get to know you better. She won't be disappointed.

Offline Rev. Moon

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Re: Went to a party yesterday..
« Reply #11 on: May 23, 2010, 06:59:22 pm »
I'm sorry that you and your wife had to go through this.  Very awkward situation :(

When I first saw this thread, and the fact that you had started it, I thought it would be a fun story.  That song by Lita Ford that goes "I went to a party last Saturday night, I didn't get laid, but got in a fight... Uh-uh, it ain't no big thing" came to mind.  I know you will move on, but hope that your wife is not feeling sad anymore.
"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

Offline alliance

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Re: Went to a party yesterday..
« Reply #12 on: May 23, 2010, 07:31:59 pm »
Skeebo, Im so sorry this happened to you. I haven't disclosed to many people yet, I cant imagine what it would be like for you and your wife going through something like this.
Im not a professional at giving advice, but it seems to me like there were some issues, attitudes, values, beliefs, assumptions or whatever that were present at this party that were at the root of this.
I think you can chose to avoid these people and consequently these situations, or,  these things present have to become disucssible so that people come to a common understanding (whatever that might be) with you. I think your wife might be moving in that direction, and these discussions may happen very slowly over time, unless a watershed coming together of minds occurs.
I could go up the ladder of inference and say maybe they were just afraid.
You are a great guy, and any party would be better because you, your wife and little one are at it. I think I probably would have handled it just like you did.

"The influence of each human being on others in this life is a kind of immortality."
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Offline Assurbanipal

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Re: Went to a party yesterday..
« Reply #13 on: May 23, 2010, 08:02:41 pm »
Wish I had some helpful suggestion, but... sorry you went through this.
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2010 VL UD CD4 573-680 26.1% - 30.9% 12/10 VL 20
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Offline WillyWump

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Re: Went to a party yesterday..
« Reply #14 on: May 23, 2010, 10:19:28 pm »
Wow Skeebs, I'm so sorry that this has happened. I can imagine how you felt. However knowing you the little bit I do, I'm sure you are more upset that it upset your wife, more than what it did to you.

Regardless, dont let the turkeys get you or your wife down. Yall love each other unconditionally and in the end that is all that matters, not those nitpicking uncouth people and what they think.

-Will
POZ since '08

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Offline Hellraiser

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Re: Went to a party yesterday..
« Reply #15 on: May 24, 2010, 01:14:35 am »
I'm with philly I would've left too, except that I would've gotten wife and child out the door and then come back and spoken my mind and made a scene.  I'm just demure like that.

Sorry that what was supposed to be a good time had by all turned into a less than fun event.  It's always a little bit liberating to know exactly where you stand with people though so now your wife won't have to waste time being friendly to any of those people.

Offline tednlou2

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Re: Went to a party yesterday..
« Reply #16 on: May 24, 2010, 01:22:37 am »
I usually let people walk all over me, but if they do it to my partner I get upset.  This happened recently when I said something to his captain over a money issue.  My partner is a volunteer firefighter besides his regular job.  He had taken 2 months off in 2009 after I got sick.  They shorted him on his Christmas bonus for that.  I opened my big mouth and said he responds to every fire run, he participates in fire charity events, and so much other stuff.  He does more than any other firefighter.  I just felt it was wrong.  Now, I would have never had done that if it happened to me.  So, I can understand how you feel when people upset your wife.

I hate to think it was race.  I remember bringing my best friend in highschool, who was black, to church.  Everyone acted like I brought Hitler to church.  This was a southern baptist church, so that should explain a lot.  People can be so cruel and judgemental.  I talked to this straight HIVer who says he always gets comments that he must secretly be gay.  I guess they don't realize straight people get HIV, too.  He said people would treat him coldly with his wife.  He said he heard people were cold to him, because of their ignorance, they thought he must be cheating on his wife with a guy.  They made a totally baseless judgement that he was hurting his wife and that is why they treated him coldly.  They made it even worse by questioning his sexuality.  

I'm not sure what the best advice is.  Whenever I've had issues with people over gay issues, I've gotten so angry that I told a few family members off.  One of them was my cousin, but the other was my partner's sister-in-law.  I created tension with his family over my fight with her.  I'm not sure how much you have to deal with these people.  If not much, it may be best to let it go.      

Offline skeebo1969

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Re: Went to a party yesterday..
« Reply #17 on: May 24, 2010, 07:55:36 am »



    Thanks everyone for responding with such kind words.  The only reason I really elected to stay was because they were my wife's friends.  While I knew the reception was cold, I didn't know the fuckers were giggling like a bunch of little kids in junior high.

     My wife sent her friend(the hostess) an email regarding the matter, and said she didn't consider the other one a friend any longer.   I'll be honest though, I was a bit surprised by the attitudes, towards both me and my mother in law.  She's like this little bittie daisy woman, who wears glasses!!!!  Just don't get it guys.

    Anyways, thanks again for letting me vent and giving some perspective on it. 

    Thomas

    PS While I hid the fact really well, the food was nasty.
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline Florida69

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Re: Went to a party yesterday..
« Reply #18 on: May 24, 2010, 08:59:32 am »
    PS While I hid the fact really well, the food was nasty.

You know Thomas, I never even thought for one minute that you were one color or another.  Which should not matter.  You are a good dude, intelligent and funny.  I am so sorry that you experience stupid at this level.  You would think that these people would have left this back in middle school, but they were to many trying to get on the short bus.  Know that your and your family's lives are better without them, and thank you for enriching so many of ours...   D
Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan 'Press On' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.
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Offline next2u

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Re: Went to a party yesterday..
« Reply #19 on: May 24, 2010, 09:04:19 am »
shitty food from shitty people. it's a sign...do not digest.

best,
d
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Offline Queen Tokelove

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Re: Went to a party yesterday..
« Reply #20 on: May 24, 2010, 03:17:04 pm »
Sorry you and your wife had to go through that. It is a shame that those people would behave that way, no matter what the reason.....your hair, race, or whatever. It was uncalled for. When your wife comminicated with her friend, did the friend not feel the vibe? How did she feel about this?

I am with Miss P. I would've left too. I don't think I could've stayed there. As much as you want to say something, I would just leave it alone. You've discussed it with the wifey, why dwell on it any longer?
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8/6/08 CD4- 805 VL- undetectable
11/13/08 CD4- 774 VL--undetectable
2/4/09  CD4- 484  VL- 18,000 (2 months off meds)
3/3/09---Starting Back on Meds---
4/27/09 CD4- 664 VL-- undetectable
6/17/09 CD4- 438 VL- 439
8/09 CD4- 404 VL- 1,600
01-22-10-- CD4- 525 VL- 59,000
Cherish the simple things life has to offer

Offline skeebo1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,931
Re: Went to a party yesterday..
« Reply #21 on: May 24, 2010, 04:12:37 pm »
Sorry you and your wife had to go through that. It is a shame that those people would behave that way, no matter what the reason.....your hair, race, or whatever. It was uncalled for. When your wife comminicated with her friend, did the friend not feel the vibe? How did she feel about this?

I am with Miss P. I would've left too. I don't think I could've stayed there. As much as you want to say something, I would just leave it alone. You've discussed it with the wifey, why dwell on it any longer?

Oh, I am not dwelling on it at all, as far my feelings are concerned that is.  Just came back from class and busted out a 107 on my exam!  I talked to my wife earlier and she still feels a little funny about the situation.  To tell the truth I think it's one of those: I feel bad for her, she feels bad for me type deals.  We'll grow from it and learn.
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline leatherman

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 8,593
  • Google and HIV meds are Your Friends
Re: Went to a party yesterday..
« Reply #22 on: May 24, 2010, 04:15:03 pm »
I feel bad for her, she feels bad for me type deals.
Awww.  ;D Ain't love grand? :-*
and congrats on the test score! ;D
leatherman (aka Michael)

We were standing all alone
You were leaning in to speak to me
Acting like a mover shaker
Dancing to Madonna then you kissed me
And I think about it all the time
- Darren Hayes, "Chained to You"

Offline next2u

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,813
Re: Went to a party yesterday..
« Reply #23 on: May 24, 2010, 08:23:43 pm »
a 107!!!! congrats to that skeebo. is skeebo short for skinny boy, lol.

AAAAAA is awesome!
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5
sept14 cd4 990; vl ud; cd4% *
jun15 cd4 1152; vl ud; cd4% *
july15 - STRIBILD
oct15 cd4 583; vl 146; cd4% 42
mar16 cd4 860; vl 20; 44

Offline john33

  • Member
  • Posts: 407
Re: Went to a party yesterday..
« Reply #24 on: May 24, 2010, 08:45:52 pm »
I'm taking it that 107 is great (i honestly have no idea)

So Congrats Skeebo!!

John

Offline GNYC09

  • Member
  • Posts: 702
Re: Went to a party yesterday..
« Reply #25 on: May 24, 2010, 09:16:55 pm »
Oh, I am not dwelling on it at all, as far my feelings are concerned that is.  Just came back from class and busted out a 107 on my exam!  I talked to my wife earlier and she still feels a little funny about the situation.  To tell the truth I think it's one of those: I feel bad for her, she feels bad for me type deals.  We'll grow from it and learn.

107 - This is good? I will congratulate you, gypsy.

Offline Queen Tokelove

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,031
  • Smokey the Smurf
Re: Went to a party yesterday..
« Reply #26 on: May 25, 2010, 08:34:58 pm »
I am glad to hear it, Skee. That's all you can do is take it as a lesson learned. Congrats on the good grade....hmmm, 107, I should play that number.... ;)
Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
10/31/07 CD4-265 VL- undetectable
2/6/08 CD4- 401 VL- undetectable
5/7/08 CD4- 705 VL- undetectable
6/4/08 CD4- 775 VL- undetectable
8/6/08 CD4- 805 VL- undetectable
11/13/08 CD4- 774 VL--undetectable
2/4/09  CD4- 484  VL- 18,000 (2 months off meds)
3/3/09---Starting Back on Meds---
4/27/09 CD4- 664 VL-- undetectable
6/17/09 CD4- 438 VL- 439
8/09 CD4- 404 VL- 1,600
01-22-10-- CD4- 525 VL- 59,000
Cherish the simple things life has to offer

 


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