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Author Topic: Need dating strategy advice  (Read 2919 times)

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Offline EvangelionFann55

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Need dating strategy advice
« on: August 09, 2017, 07:50:13 pm »
Hey everybody, thanks for reading! I've been wanting to join a functional HIV forum to talk to other people dealing with the same issues I am, but held off because I was afraid it would be depressing. Well I've been very depressed for a while so why not give it a shot anyway.

I'm a gay man, 32 years old, pretty good looking and in good shape, but as lonely as I think its possible to be, and very depressed. The major conflict in my life, which I think about 24/7, is my loneliness. I'm terrified to date, and have had almost no love life to speak of. I had a long term boyfriend for 5 years, but that was a toxic relationship, and aside form him I've had no other relationships. I'm desperate to be with someone, but I don't know how to find guys to date, and when I meet a guy on ok cupid or Grindr and they actually want to go on a date with me, I feel so hopeless and anxious that I usually cancel. I have to deal with my anxiety, but I don't know what to do and I'm frozen.

Any advice would be so much appreciated. I'm about ready to just throw in the towel and accept a life of solitude and despair  :-/

Offline Ptrk3

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Re: Need dating strategy advice
« Reply #1 on: August 09, 2017, 07:57:41 pm »
EvangelionFann55:  I've moved your post to the "Living with HIV" forum since the "Positive Women" forum is for women.

I'm sure you will get many responses in this forum from members who feel as you do, but have gone on to forge loving relationships with understanding partners.
HIV 101 - Basics
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You can read more about Transmission and Risks here:
HIV Transmission and Risks
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HIV Testing
You can read more about Treatment-as-Prevention (TasP) here:
You can read more about HIV prevention here:
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You can read more about PEP and PrEP here
PEP and PrEP

Offline harleymc

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Re: Need dating strategy advice
« Reply #2 on: August 10, 2017, 06:26:06 am »
I relieved my dating anxieties, by deciding I was going to treat dates, as a chance to have some fun.

No expectations about sex or 'is this the one'. Just a chance to go somewhere nice/ fun/ out of my routine and  maybe ( if they show up) enjoy some company.

Offline Tonny2

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Re: Need dating strategy advice
« Reply #3 on: August 10, 2017, 01:53:20 pm »

         ojo       Hello there...why the anxiety?...can you tell us more about you?, like, how long have you been living with hiv, numbers, what med/s you are taking, etc...You are a young man still and have to take care of that anxiety, but you have to know why you get anxious, like the previous members mentioned, is it the expectation of sex?...I've isolated myself for a long time, no because of hiv, but because of my vision problems. I have gotten used to be alone, tho, sometimes I do feel lonely. So, try to solve your anxiety problem and go out and have fun, time will tell if there is someone for you to start a relationship...Keep trying...hugs                                               ojo

Offline GingerNerd

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  • Posts: 4
Re: Need dating strategy advice
« Reply #4 on: August 17, 2017, 07:18:39 am »
What is the main source of your anxiety?

Are you afraid about disclosing your HIV status? Are you afraid of letting someone else see your depression/anxiety? Are you afraid that your depression will cause you to disappoint potential partners?

I'm in a similar-ish situation in that I have depression, have HIV, and have had very few relationships (though my small number of relationships has been my choice, and it doesn't bother me).

I can't claim to be an expert, but some of your fears and worries can be mitigated with honesty. Do your profiles disclose your HIV status? Do they disclose your depression (or maybe shyness or something else along those lines?) When you talk to people online and arrange to meet, what kinds of expectations have been developed?

It can be scary to be up front about some of that kind of stuff, but if someone rejects you over it, you can view that as a blessing. You have a filter that helps identify people you shouldn't waste your time on. I will note, however, that there can be dangers with your degree of online openness about status that you should consider. I personally wouldn't (and don't) put my face or name or any social media account that could easily lead to those things in dating app profiles. I like to protect against the small possibility that some malicious asshole might go on those apps looking to cause trouble.

Another thing you can do is change your expectations. If you go into a date or dating-related interaction with a more casual attitude and an attainable goal or expectation, you don't have to get as nervous. If you tell yourself (and perhaps the potential date) that your goal is to meet a new person or to try something new, that can take the pressure off a bit.


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