I am becoming a bitter lazy lonley jerk. Is it a phase?

[Ihavehope]

Hi Boys and Girls

I admit that I been a difficult person to deal with before HIV but now I can't even stand myself. I get annoyed when people try to be toooo nice to me. I get annoyed when people talk to me when I don't want to talk and tell them to go away. I get annoyed at my mother when she asked me how I feel, especially when i haven't told her anything.

I don't help around the house anymore, I don't wash my dish after I eat anymore and expect others to do it for me. I don't pay my bills on time because I simply don't feel like getting up and going to the bank to deposit money. I get very impatient when people make me wait and the subway takes to long. I don't answer phone calls from friends no more and I don't take care of my appearance no more. I don't care how wrinkled my clothes are when I go to work and I don't even bother to brush my hair.

The depression is kicking in REAL hard and I can bear to think that from now on I would have many days feeling like this. I don't look forward to anything anymore. I dread weekends and don't go to family events or parties anymore. I don't want to feel or act this way but as much as I try to keep a positive view of life I am scared and pessimistic of what is to come.

[aupointillimite]

Lonely lazy jerk?  You're turning into me!  Huzzah!   

Dude, I will say you've been through a lot... and it's February, the most god awful miserable of the winter months.

But I remember that happening to me a few times the first year I was diagnosed... it is something of a phase... but one that you shouldn't have to deal with. 

Are you getting any therapy or anything?  I know that's the usual question... but I think in your case, you might really benefit from it. 

And really, there's nothing worse then lethargy for making depression worse... it feeds itself, and it's craptacular.

[Ihavehope]

Hey Aupo

Yes I am in therapy had my first session a week ago and I am in a support group. It's been helpful but i've had many issues pre-HIV and HIV makes my problems feel 100x worse. It's hard being me. The therapist is a queeny gay guy who gt annoyed when I got there 5 minutes late on a friday at 4:30 and she wanted to probably go home since I was his last session. So I even annoyed my therapist.

[aupointillimite]

Hey Aupo

Yes I am in therapy had my first session a week ago and I am in a support group. It's been helpful but i've had many issues pre-HIV and HIV makes my problems feel 100x worse. It's hard being me. The therapist is a queeny gay guy who gt annoyed when I got there 5 minutes late on a friday at 4:30 and she wanted to probably go home since I was his last session. So I even annoyed my therapist.

What a tool!  Not you... the therapist.

I wouldn't think anything of it... you're probably a bit more sensitive than usual right now, and when someone acts like that, you feel it that much more... that was still a pretty bitchy thing for the therapist to do though.

[bear60]

Well, I was ready to  jump down your throat....but was relieved to see that you are in therapy.  Thats good. Even if you have to switch therapists....stick with it.

[DanielMark]

As I remember it, the first year or two after diagnosis, I had horrible mood swings. Pile years of depression-related anger on top and you've got an angry, cranky person on your hands. Impatient too, like you wouldn't believe.

In my unasked for opinion, these extremes in feelings will settle down ... eventually.

Daniel

[Longislander]

like Bear said, stick with it. I think it's good you're recognizing what your issues are. If you don't feel comfortable with the bitchy queen, go get a hottie. My ex went to one in Manhattan once, and I was asked to join them one session. I couldn't get over how good looking his therapist was!! lol

[Peter6836]

I say find another therapist.  Also talk to your Doctor about some meds, hey there is nothing wrong with taking an antidepressant at least until you get over this funk. Depression can be serious and hurts a lot, do not punish your self and those around you. You deserve to feel better.
Peter

[koi1]

Hey Iva,

I am so sorry to hear that you feel your depression is getting worse. I hope I don't sound too cheerful for you. I know this sucks and depression is normal at this point. What I do know is that staying at home is worse for me. As much as I have to drag myself out of the house on the week-ends, it helps. My trip to San Francisco helped me get a bit distracted as well. I am back and I do feel lonely. For me I just don't like to be at home.

I know this does not help, and I feel for you. I wish I could be there to help. Too bad you are so far away.

rob