What can I do, if anything?

[Snowangel]

Just in case you guys don't know my background, here it goes.  I will try to make it short.

I got infected in the early 90's, started meds in 93, I think.

I had the whole HIV testing/results discussion before we were intimate and he lied, his wife had died from Aids, which I found out a lot later. A couple of weeks later, I had gotten a phone call from a female that basically just said to me "What to you want Aids, you fucking bitch? and hung up.  When I asked him about it, he told me he was fine and this girl was just jealous.

This is where I can't remember much that happened over the next few month/ years.  He was physically, mentally and verbally abusive on a daily basis. I still hadn't found out about the HIV until he eventually went into jail for drug charges.  While he was in jail he would threaten to have me and my mother ( I am an only child and my father was not around at the time) beaten up if I left him, he threatened to tell my mother, friends, work about me being pos. When he finally got to a work release program, he would make me go to his job and have sex with him.  I always brought condoms, he decided he wanted to get me pregnant and took it off, which I should have noticed but when you are in the back of car and worrying about a CO and/or bosses showing up, things can slip by or off, in my case.

I got pregnant and had my son in Aug of 98.  His father was out on parole and refused to drive me to the hospital because I wasn't due until Sept, so I drove myself, too afraid to tell the ambulance people about my status.  He finally showed up drunk hours later to see my son born and didn't return until was time for us to leave the hospital.  He would tell me I had an hour if I needed anything when he would get home from work, then he was gone till all hours drinking and doing whatever.  He refused to give my son any of his medication which was every 12 hours for 6 weeks.  He went back to jail on a parole violation when his PO came for a visit and noticed a bruise on my face.  My son and I moved back in with my mother and I finally told her about being pos.

For my sons sake and listening to his bullshit, I let him come back with us when he got out of jail, that didn't last long, I had to get restraining orders to keep him away. He told me he would never pay any child support which was fine with me.

He ended up meeting someone else and getting married to her.  He told her that I was just jealous and wouldn't let him see my son so she went and filled out all the paperwork for child support/custody.  After everything was all said and done, he got visits every other weekend.  When we were back and forth to court, I was very open about the abuse and the HIV, which he never told her about until a year and half into thier relationship BUT he told her he just found out when I was pregnant.  She listened to everything I said in court but believed him until the abuse started happening to her.  He had her sending out divorce papers to his wife that had been dead at least 10 years.  She was with him for 8 years and has been trying to get rid of him for the last couple, he is in jail now for violating her restraining order, breaking and entering into her house, selling stolen property, etc.

You would think I would be happy that he is back in jail but I have been nervous all summer because when he gets out I know he will be trying to see my son again and more often.  My son is afraid to see him because he was around thier house when his father was abusing his wife.  Out of the blue recently, my son brought up, that he hates when his father lets  his friends in the car, the friend gives him money and then he drops the friends off down the street, so obviously he still selling drugs.  I have tried my best not to say anything negative about him to my son.  I don't bring him up and I would say as little as possible when I had to see him.

This is what has me messed up.  He had a daughter with his wife, that is now 5 and 1/2.  He can't write to the wife because of the restraining order but has been writing to the daughter.  Until recently, he would just say how much he missed her and couldn't wait to see her and blame everything on the mother.  The most recent letter he addressed to the daughter and my son and said that he won't be able to see her as soon as he gets out, because he has decided to get married again and he needs to find a lawyer.  He has also decided, he is going to have 2 more kids. A boy and a girl- he thinks he can control everything and everyone. He wants to have 6 kids, mind you, he has been in and out of the lives of the first 4.  His oldest son is in jail and following in his foot steps and the older daughter had filed rape charges against him at one point(which I just found out recently).  I don't want my son to be around him again until he is old enough to protect himself.  His  soon to be ex is negative but who is to say that will happen with the next person.  He isn't healthy and has been in jail, who knows if he has been taking his meds.  I know it is not my responsiblity to worry about another adult, but this guy can lie and manipulate with the best of them and if that doesn't work, he is abusive.  If a child was to get infected, I would feel horrible because I didn't try to do anything to stop it.

I am  bothered an pissed that some guy down south can get 20something years for spitting at a cop and here in Mass, this guy can go around and infect anyone he wants and be over the top abusive with no consequences at all.

So I am wondering, can I write a letter to someone, somewhere?  Is there any action I can take or do I have to just sit back and hope for the best?

Sorry this was so long!  Any advice would be appreciated.

[jennynyc7]

Wow! Stuff like this makes me sick. The justice system is so messed up. I wish I could say sure, write a letter to someone, call someone but in reality, I bet you nothing will happen. Your best bet would be to hire a good attorney, and if you are like me, and most people in the world, it isn't affordable.  I am not sure how one presses formal charges against someone but perhaps you can simply walk into your local police station and file a report about what he is doing.  I wish you the best of luck with this. I wish I had more to offer.

j

[dixieman]

Contact the District attorneys office in Mass... or check with the attorney generals office for victims rights... their number 617-727-2200... Let us know how your doing. sincerely, John

[Longislander]

HI,

When he gets out of prison, and tries to visit with your son, you should go to court first, you having filed a petition to modify his visitation rights. The child should be appointed a Law Guardian ( usually an attorney, to represent his rights). They'll meet with your son, and the Law Guardian will represent what the child says to the judge in confidence.  The father shouldn't have anything more than a strictly structured supervised visitation schedule, if any at all.

As far as telling any future wife, I'm not too sure how you could go about that.  Maybe a trip to the local dept of Health, and ask them to send out those notices that someone they were in contact tested positive. If anything, she may see it before he would.

I wish you and your son the best of luck in dealing with this guy.

[Snowangel]

Thank you for your replies!

John- I will definately talk to the victim rights office and see if I can do anything through them.  His wife was just recently talking to the local DA and they were mostly concerne with the breaking and entering.

Longislander- I will check out the law guardian as well.  About 4 or 5 years ago, he had supervised visits and had to finish a parenting and anger management class.  We then all went to a court appointed shrink to get evaluated.  The law guardian might work better now because my son is older.

Jenny- I know the system has really let me down but to be fair, I guess so many people have abused the system, that when people that come through that really need it, we fall through the cracks. I really wish I had the presence of mind to photograph and document everything when it was happening, maybe I would have a stronger leg to stand on? 

Thanks again!
Snow

[Iggy]

HI,

When he gets out of prison, and tries to visit with your son, you should go to court first, you having filed a petition to modify his visitation rights. The child should be appointed a Law Guardian ( usually an attorney, to represent his rights). They'll meet with your son, and the Law Guardian will represent what the child says to the judge in confidence.  The father shouldn't have anything more than a strictly structured supervised visitation schedule, if any at all.

As far as telling any future wife, I'm not too sure how you could go about that.  Maybe a trip to the local dept of Health, and ask them to send out those notices that someone they were in contact tested positive. If anything, she may see it before he would.

I wish you and your son the best of luck in dealing with this guy.

I second what LongIslander said.