POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: SweetSassafras on June 13, 2013, 06:37:39 pm
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Hello. I'm a 31 year old HIV positive woman. That is the first time I have ever really acknowledged that. I know it and I am cautious like I know it, but I don't give in to it. My husband and I were diagnosed in 2008. We kept our status a secret for as long as possible and even now only the closest of family know... oh and my sister's friends cause she's a drama queen. Anyway, we've been blessed with two beautiful children who are fortunately negative (as if being mixed isn't trouble enough in America) and overall we are really healthy. Both on meds -- both undetectable. But I'm tired of not having anyone to talk to when I'm sad or angry -- or feel trapped in a sometimes unfulfilling marriage because of my status. I need to know that I'm still OK. I didn't realize how much damage my diagnosis had done until just recently and I desperately want to go on living my life even happier if possible.
So that's it in a nutshell. I know nothing and will probably have crap advice, but I'll try. And I hope you'll do the same for me cause I sure could use it.
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Hello SweetSassafras and welcome to the forums!
But I'm tired of not having anyone to talk to when I'm sad or angry --
Regretfully, I can so relate to this... trapped in a nutshell I am. This is a good place to talk about this sort of stuff though if you can muster the will to do so.
Good luck!
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Welcome SweetSassafras , the forum can be that place for support if you want it to be , it is for me .
I have also made some enduring friendships through being a member here . I hope to hear more from you soon ... and as a southerner I sure like that name LOL .
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Hello Sweet,
Welcome to the Boards.
You will definitely be able to vent and bounce ideas off of people here and likely get a bouquet of responses as many of us have heard and seen nearly everything.
Take care.
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Welcome to the forums. I'm glad to hear both you and your husband are doing well healthwise.
I was curious about the feelings of not being fulfilled in your marriage, due to your status. If you want to discuss that in more detail, we are here to listen.
All the best, and I look forward to hearing more from you.
Ted
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MIght I sugest that this forum can be a resource for your husband as well? That having been said, if there are relationship issues you want to talk about, it might be good to confine them to the Women's Forum, where your husband should not be lurking (and is not allowed to post). It's tough when both parties need a single forum. But there should be ways to give both parties what they need without sacrificing honesty.
We are a very diverse goup of people, but most of us are discreet and know the value of keeping confidences when needed. You will likely know who isn't invested in that discretion by the people who might private message you, spilling dirt on the others in the forum :)
You are safe here. We want to keep that safety paramount. We can be irascible, and nit-picky, and throw our opinions out like rain, and it will be up to you to weed out the useful ones. But we mean well, and we have sall the love in our bedraggled hearts to give.
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Hello again. Thank you for the warm welcome. I was so happy to see that. Again, while I've had my diagnosis awhile, this is still pretty new to me.
It's funny you should mention encouraging my husband to join... I did soon after he came home from work yesterday. He said he'd consider it, but like most things that would help him individually and/or us as a couple, he probably won't follow through. Fortunately, he knows himself and I know him so even if he should ever see it, these are things he's already aware of. Emotions are hard for him and he avoids them at all costs.
Regarding the fulfillment in marriage and status question, perhaps I should have phrased it differently. I just worry that if/when things get to a point where we just can't work them out, I'll be alone forever. Don't get me wrong, this isn't what keeps us together as we genuinely do love each other in all our dysfunction. But it would be a lie to say that our status won't play some kind of role in whether or not we choose to keep working on things or not. He feels obligation. I feel fear.
I wish this was something we could talk and learn about together but I just don't think it's going to be the case. I'll wise up -- hopefully he will jump on board at some point. If not maybe he can benefit through me.
EDIT: Just a bit more info, we were diagnosed a year after we were married. We were both negative prior to (as I was tested soon after the wedding for a pregnancy that I lost). I'll admit I did play the blame game but I really and truly have forgiven him for the mistakes and the consequences they wrought. I think while he gets the gravity of it, he doesn't get the gravity of it.
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Hello again. Thank you for the warm welcome. I was so happy to see that. Again, while I've had my diagnosis awhile, this is still pretty new to me.
It's funny you should mention encouraging my husband to join... I did soon after he came home from work yesterday. He said he'd consider it, but like most things that would help him individually and/or us as a couple, he probably won't follow through. Fortunately, he knows himself and I know him so even if he should ever see it, these are things he's already aware of. Emotions are hard for him and he avoids them at all costs.
Regarding the fulfillment in marriage and status question, perhaps I should have phrased it differently. I just worry that if/when things get to a point where we just can't work them out, I'll be alone forever. Don't get me wrong, this isn't what keeps us together as we genuinely do love each other in all our dysfunction. But it would be a lie to say that our status won't play some kind of role in whether or not we choose to keep working on things or not. He feels obligation. I feel fear.
I wish this was something we could talk and learn about together but I just don't think it's going to be the case. I'll wise up -- hopefully he will jump on board at some point. If not maybe he can benefit through me.
EDIT: Just a bit more info, we were diagnosed a year after we were married. We were both negative prior to (as I was tested soon after the wedding for a pregnancy that I lost). I'll admit I did play the blame game but I really and truly have forgiven him for the mistakes and the consequences they wrought. I think while he gets the gravity of it, he doesn't get the gravity of it.
HI ! SweetSassafras ,
Nice to meet you !
I hope you are fine and dandy !
I will start with : I've been with my husband 34 years , We are GAY ! OMG ! We got married
4 years ago yesterday :)
Please do not think your husband sticks around out of obligation , No doubt he loves you .
Over the years we have had ups and downs .
My Husband is still HIV NEGATIVE !!!! I hope it stays that way .
My Bob is not a talker when it comes to HIV issue or my health . He is a great man and provides
me with all I need , As long as I do not bring up any HIV issues :-[
I no longer ask my husband to go to our support group , the greatest one in S.E.Missouri ;)
As things go , we live together and I try to avoid SEX :-[
Not as easy as said . But LOVE is prevalent in our daily lives !
That's all that matters , We make it work .
I hope you and yours work out the wrinkles and have a wonderfully joyous life as we have .
Be well , Carl