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Author Topic: Help Me  (Read 4033 times)

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Offline scaredandsuicidal

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Help Me
« on: June 27, 2012, 05:33:11 am »
Im as my name, scared and suicidal. Im a hetero 29 year old living in the uk and for reasons i dont want to go into Im almost certainly hiv+, i know you will say you dont know without being tested but please believe me when i say it will be a miracle if i am not. Im not one of the people who come on here because they have been sneezed on or something, I wish I was. I have a month to wait before getting a conclusive test result but it is only a formality.

I dont know what to do with myself, how this will change my life but i cant even think of how this will effect me because of the other terrible thing i have done. Before I had even considered i might have been exposed  I had exposed my girlfriend of 10 years and its extremely likely she is also now infected, please dont question my certainty on our infection status, I wouldnt be here now if I believed there was really any hope we were not both infected.

I am beside myself, this is the woman i planned to marry and not only was i unfaithful i have now ruined everything. I am not a serial cheater, I had only ever been with her and before i proposed and we started a family i felt i needed to have one experience, how stupid how fucking stupid am I. I never thought i had put her at risk but looking back i must have been in denial, I would never knowingly put her at risk, she is perfect, innocent , precious and delicate she is everything to me I would move heaven and earth for her what have i done? all i want to do is love her, care for her and look after her, she is my world. My family, her family, everyone i love will hate me, Ive lost everybody I love. This is a nightmare.

I expect no symapthy as I deserve none, Im not the victim she is she deserves the sympathy and support i deserve to die for what i have done, i cant live with myself for what i have done to her, I cant live without her, my life is over, ive destroyed everything. I just needed to say something to somebody, Ive carried this around with me the last couple days and not been able to talk to anyone, its eating me alive. How do you tell the most precious person in the world to you that not only have you cheated but now have hiv, have given them hiv and are thinking of taking your own life? Her finding out what I have done will destroy me, I cant bare to see the pain I will have caused her its too much, I am weak. 

God forgive me.

Offline Ann

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    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Help Me
« Reply #1 on: June 27, 2012, 06:03:53 am »
scared,

Cut the drama.

Unless you had unprotected anal or vaginal intercourse, you most likely weren't at risk. And if you did have unprotected intercourse as the insertive partner, then you did have a risk but it is very much on the low end of the scale.

So, what do you believe put you at risk? There's no point in continuing this discussion with you unless you give us some details.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline scaredandsuicidal

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Re: Help Me
« Reply #2 on: June 27, 2012, 06:32:49 am »
Sorry if I sound dramatic, but the panic running through me is horrific and so difficuilt to control. I am a logical person and am able to think logically which is partly why im so scared as my logic tells me the worst.

I used a condom initially but there was 5 mnutes of unprotected vaginal penetration which i know is lower risk. The woman i was with however i know has done some very very risky things and not used protection and recently, also her attitude afterwards was worrying. I didnt want to post symptoms as i know the response i would get but basically i experienced quite specific symptoms identical to a member here who tested positive. They started 16 days after exposure lasting about two weeks, at that time hiv didnt even cross my mind but how i wish it had then i might not have infected my wonderful girfriend. Exactly the same amount of time (16 days) after my girlfriends exposure to me she became ill too with similar symptoms although worse. Still I did not think of HIV.

Only now has it hit me what has happened, yes I know you cannot tell anything from symptoms but please, I know my body and when Ive experienced something just different. My girlfriend also just had not experienced anything quite like it.

I can guess what you will say to me and again if i seem overly dramatic im sorry but every piece of logic and reasoning i apply to what is happening to us leads me back to the same conclusion and im so so scared.

Offline Ann

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  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Help Me
« Reply #3 on: June 27, 2012, 06:43:49 am »
Scared,

It sounds like you're at least six weeks or so past the BRIEF insertive incident you're worried about. If so, you can test now for a good indication of your true hiv status.

The vast majority of people who have actually been infected will seroconvert and test positive by six weeks, with the average time to seroconversion being only 22 days. A six week (or more) negative must be confirmed at the three month point, but is highly unlikely to change.

Regardless of your symptoms, you are highly unlikely to end up positive after this one-off, BRIEF insertive vaginal incident. Hiv is very difficult to transmit from a woman to a man, whether or not you believe that.

If you're at or past six weeks, just go to your local GUM and get tested and get it over with.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline scaredandsuicidal

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Re: Help Me
« Reply #4 on: June 27, 2012, 07:14:58 am »
Thank you Ann and I do believe what you say. Unfortunately my experience of my girfriends and my symptoms makes it very difficuilt to believe that we are highly unlikely to end up positive although I know generally speaking you are right about the exposure I had. I wont go on about symptoms as I know you will not enter into discussion about them and I do understand why.

You are also correct I am at 8 weeks post exposure however i was advised by the gum they only test at 12 weeks+, I will get tested asap though. As it happens my girfriend has a routine blood test for something totally unrelated, I know it is not an hiv test but i guess it is likely something will show as wrong in her cell count if she is as i believe positive?

Offline Ann

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  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Help Me
« Reply #5 on: June 27, 2012, 07:21:37 am »
scared,

Nope, general blood testing will not reveal anyone's hiv status. ONLY an hiv antibody test at the appropriate time will.

You'd be amazed at how many people have been through these forums in the last twelve years who were convinced they were positive going by their symptoms, but were not. You're most likely to be yet another.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline scaredandsuicidal

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  • Posts: 8
Re: Help Me
« Reply #6 on: June 27, 2012, 07:40:12 am »
Ok, so hiv can only be confirmed with an antibody test I understand that. But during a standard blood test I understood they do a white blood cell count? If the cell count was to be abnormal due to hiv infection they wouldnt be able to diagnose hiv from that alone but surely it be enough to warrant further tests, including hiv antibody tests?

I thought I had read on here somebody who was diagnosed this way, they went for a standard blood test and something was clearly wrong but it wasnt clear what so an hiv antibody test was then carried out to confirm, or have I imagined that?

As for being another of those who were positive about their symptoms and were wrong I truly hope and pray you are right, not for my sake but for my girlfreind who doesnt deserve this. I still feel that unfortunately I will be back here with the result nobody wants but am clinging on to every bit of hope and normality I still have for now.

Offline Ann

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  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Help Me
« Reply #7 on: June 27, 2012, 08:20:46 am »
scared,

It's only a sub-set of white blood cells (CD4s) that is affected and that sub-set is only looked at if you are hiv positive. My white blood cell count always comes back in normal ranges, and I've been poz for fifteen years and I'm not yet on meds.

Sometimes other values in a CBC (complete blood count) can be skewed when hiv infection is present, but not very often. My CBC is also in completely normal ranges and always has been. The person you read about probably also had something else going on that suggested hiv testing.

Nobody "deserves" this. Not you, not me, not your girlfriend and not the countless others who have hiv. It's not a punishment, it's a virus that can be acquired doing something humans have been doing since the dawn of humanity - having unprotected intercourse.

I suggest you get busy with other things while you wait to test - or go to a different GUM clinic and request an antibody test. Your local GUM probably has the "twelve week only" rule in place to stop people testing obsessively. Frankly, I don't blame them. Testing obsessively is a waste of time and precious NHS resources. (Yes, I'm also in the UK, so I know.)

Also, if your symptoms do have anything to do with hiv seroconversion, you'll definitely test positive now, after eight weeks. You would have after six as well, and probably at four given the timeline of the onset of your symptoms.

If you do end up positive over this one-off brief insertive vaginal incident, you'll be the first one in the eleven years that I've been replying to threads here. In fact, I was with a negative man for a year and a half before I was diagnosed with hiv. We never used condoms during that time (and had a lot of sex, as happens in new relationships) and he remained hiv negative. We used condoms only after my diagnosis and he is hiv negative to this day.

edited to add...

I see you're reading other sections of these forums, sections that are meant only for people who have been confirmed as hiv positive. Do yourself a favour and stay OUT of those forums. All you're doing is adding to your stress and anxiety, so knock it off.

And don't post in any of those forums either - you are not permitted to post anywhere but here in your own thread in Am I Infected. Make sure you read the Welcome thread that appears at the top of this forum and abide by our posting rules. Thanks.

Ann
« Last Edit: June 27, 2012, 08:25:48 am by Ann »
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline scaredandsuicidal

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Re: Help Me
« Reply #8 on: June 27, 2012, 09:09:33 am »
Thankyou for your words they do help somewhat. I wont be posting anywhere I shouldnt and I realise I am adding to my own anxiety but i am a person who just wants learn and know eveything I can about things, maybe not good for me I know. Of course you are right nobody deserves hiv and i apologise if it sounded like I was saying anybody did, I suppose i just feel like I do right now.

Thank you also for educating me on the blood test cbc count, I did not know that. I think until I get test results I will just try and remember your words about the likelihood I am infected. They should help when I start to panick over the symptoms I had which are what really worry me, being so similar to someone who tested positive and different from "normal flu" its hard to focus on other things.

I dont want to be a nuisance but I hope it is ok if I post again if I get panicky, I know you cannot diagnose me but some reassurance goes a long way right now and I have nobody else to talk to. Thinking about the future is very difficuilt.

Offline scaredandsuicidal

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Re: Help Me
« Reply #9 on: June 27, 2012, 12:53:34 pm »
Im sorry to post again, i told myself that i wouldnt today but im so scared. I dont know why i didnt say before but my girlfriend has had this cough, she had it before her exposure but had just about shaken it off,within two weeks of exposure it was back and worse than ever and she cant get rid of it then when i got home tonight she said you wont believe it now im getting a cold. I have a dry/slightly sore throat too. There's just too many things, too many pieces of the puzzle pointing to us both being hiv positive.

I know how i sound, i sound like one of the paranoid hypochondriacs fretting about nothing but these things that are happening to us are real and not imagined.

I know whats coming, its only a matter of time now and yes i sound dramatic but considering Im facing losing everything precious to me i think Im entitled to. Sorry for venting, i have nobody else to go to.

Oh and just to top things off it looks like i will soon be unemployed, I have suicidal thoughts.
« Last Edit: June 27, 2012, 01:01:20 pm by scaredandsuicidal »

Offline Ann

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  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Help Me
« Reply #10 on: June 27, 2012, 01:04:49 pm »
scared,

With the weather we've been having in the UK lately, lots of people I know are coming down with coughs and colds. I've had a runny nose and scratchy throat all day myself.

Why don't you just go to another GUM clinic near your area and get tested already? If you've got time to spend all day on an internet website (like you have for most of today), you've got time to get in your car or jump on a train to travel to another hospital where you can test. Tell them you're already at twelve weeks and if you need further confirmation of a negative result, you can go back to the one near you who told you they'll only test at twelve weeks.

You're not going to be permitted to keep using this website as a place to continue to wring your hands. Just go test. That's the only way you're going to get to the truth of your situation.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline scaredandsuicidal

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  • Posts: 8
Re: Help Me
« Reply #11 on: June 27, 2012, 01:17:03 pm »
Im sorry i dont mean to waste anyones time I guess im looking for emotional support more than anything else. I know i need to test and will, but what do i do when it comes back positive? I mean how do I approach disclosing it to her and what I've done I'll lose everything and wouldnt be able to live with myself. I'm sorry I'll stop now and wont post here again.

I hope I will be permitted back after i have been tested as without support Im scared I may do something silly.

Sorry again, you do great work here. Thanks for your time.

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: Help Me
« Reply #12 on: June 27, 2012, 02:24:17 pm »
How about if we deal with one thing at a time here instead of jumping to conclusions about what your result is going to be. Given everything you have reported the odds are significantly in your favor that you are going to test negative.

A negative result at 6 weeks will mean that you will very likely continue to test negative at 3 months for a conclusive result.

So like Ann suggested, ease up on the drama. It's your guilt about straying that is driving this so you need to work on focusing on other matters in your life. And don't bother saying you're too worried to do that because response won't fly here. Just do it.
Andy Velez

Offline scaredandsuicidal

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Re: Help Me
« Reply #13 on: June 27, 2012, 04:54:48 pm »
I really do appreciate your responses and I will do my best to focus on other things. Despite my best judgement telling me otherwise I hope you are both proven to be right, this is one occasion I will be very happy to be wrong.

 


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