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Author Topic: Very Confused and maybe Im at fault. Please any advice would be helpful  (Read 3852 times)

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Offline altruistic

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I am HIV- and my boyfriend is HIV+. He has always been very open about his status to everyone.  When we met I knew he was positive. I fell in love with him and we have been together ever since. So my Boyfriend is on disability- I work, cook his meals, carry the household, and am with him when he is hospitalized,  plus I have a son who is very active in sports and extra curricular activities. I'm busy with both my boys:-) to say the least.
So here is my situation.  My boyfriend cheated on my with a prostitute he has been friends with for a while.  He hid the friendship pretty well for a while, when I would question my boyfriend about her he denied everything to the fullest, minimizing the relationship, talking her down for being a prostitute (which is why he would never touch her so he said). and one day he said something like she makes bank and loves what she does for work.  He started to "praise" her for being so sexual and open.   It left a bad taste in my mouth.  So I contacted her and asked what had happenned between them. She confirmed they were together. I figured she was positive as well and this was why he liked to be with her. I assumed wrong.  She was shocked that I asked her if she was positive.Even more so that he was positive.   
I forgave him for the lies and we were working on our relationship.  He decided to contact her and found out what was said between us girls.  He is furious with me that she knows he is positive.  absolutely furious.  He was open about being positive with me and everyone knows his status, everyone but her I guess.
Does he have a right to be upset with me?  I did not maliciously tell her,  I thought she was positive too. I was trying to grasp the reason for him being with her.  He says he could have been charged with attempted murder if he put her at risk, but says he didn't.  He is so mad at me-  I apologized for asking her if she was HIV+, not for asking her if they were together- because he should have told me the truth not her.  Does he have a right to be angry, like scary angry with me? any advice would be helpful.
« Last Edit: February 16, 2015, 12:19:38 am by altruistic »

Offline hope88

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Re: Very Confused and maybe Im at fault. Please any advice would be helpful
« Reply #1 on: February 16, 2015, 01:13:20 am »
I'm hiv- so I guess I would never understand or know what hiv+ people feel. I understand that it can be very difficult to tell other people(specially the ones ur sexually involved with) about it. But in my opinion u did the right thing, they may have had safe sex and she may not have gotten it but we don't know that. The ealier she finds out the earlier she'd get help hopefully. I wish the stigma on this would end soon as it is very painful to know that ur losing someone because they hid it because they were too afraid and embarassed to tell that u could have done something about it but now its too late.

Offline zach

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Re: Very Confused and maybe Im at fault. Please any advice would be helpful
« Reply #2 on: February 16, 2015, 02:10:24 am »
I'll respond in this thread, your double post in off topic was unnecessary.

You asked one question, twice. Yes, he has a right to be angry.

But so do you, and so does she.

The relationship is over.

 :-\

edited to add... scary angry? leave now
« Last Edit: February 16, 2015, 02:16:03 am by zach »

Offline Jeff G

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Re: Very Confused and maybe Im at fault. Please any advice would be helpful
« Reply #3 on: February 16, 2015, 08:10:45 am »
I think you have a right to be angry with him and he has no right to be angry with you and if he still is acting like he is the victim I would tell him to pound sand and find somewhere else to be selfish .
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Offline intaglio

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Re: Very Confused and maybe Im at fault. Please any advice would be helpful
« Reply #4 on: February 16, 2015, 08:41:54 am »
my boyfriend is HIV+.

He has always been very open about his status to everyone. 

my Boyfriend is on disability

My boyfriend cheated on my with a prostitute

She confirmed they were together.

She was shocked that I asked her if she was positive. Even more so that he was positive.   

He is furious with me that she knows he is positive.

He says he could have been charged with attempted murder if he put her at risk, but says he didn't. 

Does he have a right to be upset with me?

Does he have a right to be upset with you? No.

Based on what you've said here, Boyfriend's (BF) actions created the situation where you inadvertently outed him as HIV+. If he had not cheated, not lied to you about cheating, nor failed to disclose to her his status, you would not have disclosed his status to her.

any advice would be helpful.

Get yourself tested for STIs. He is likely telling the truth that he did not expose her to HIV. If his VL has been undetectable for any length of time due to strong med regimen adherence, her risk of contracting HIV is very small. If he also used a condom, the likelihood of her contracting HIV from him is even less.

But using a condom does not prevent the transfer of other STIs. If he was having sex with you during the time he was having sex with her, his actions have exposed you to risk for other STIs. Getting yourself tested eliminates this uncertainty.

It also sounds as if you are able to fully support yourself and your children financially. So, the reasons you feel the need to salvage this relationship have to do with insecurity within yourself. You need to spend some time with a competent therapist who can help you decide whether or not he is worth giving another chance.
Reality is frequently inaccurate.

Offline altruistic

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Re: Very Confused and maybe Im at fault. Please any advice would be helpful
« Reply #5 on: February 17, 2015, 12:57:25 pm »
I really appreciate the replies to my question.  I know he does not care about me the  way I have cared for him over the years. I'm on an emotional rollercoaster with him.  One minute he loves me and the next He is so angry with me saying he cant forgive me for putting him out there like that. I dont see why he cares so much about what she thinks of him.  It didn't cross my mind, while talking with her, that she might not know his status, I assumed she was positive too or at least knew he was.   

Offline mecch

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Re: Very Confused and maybe Im at fault. Please any advice would be helpful
« Reply #6 on: February 17, 2015, 04:33:59 pm »
I work, cook his meals, carry the household, and am with him when he is hospitalized, 
So here is my situation.  My boyfriend cheated on my.....
He hid the friendship pretty well for a while, when I would question my boyfriend about her he denied everything to the fullest.

(You seem to be overly distracted by the prostitute angle to this story by the way.)

You shouldn't have spilled the beans about his HIV but as you said it was a mistake based on false assumptions.
Your bf, however, based on the above, is dedicated to taking advantage of you?
Why do you stay?  What does he bring to the quality of your life? Is loving him enough?  What about, loving him as a friend, but finding a 2-way supportive lover for yourself?  Let him go live on his disability and take care of himself with all the support network he can find. You could play a part in that but sounds like now you have to do it all.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline intaglio

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Re: Very Confused and maybe Im at fault. Please any advice would be helpful
« Reply #7 on: February 18, 2015, 08:45:52 am »
I dont see why he cares so much about what she thinks of him.

He does not really care about what she thinks of him. He's just using this reason to emotionally manipulate you back into compliance. His emotional instability is also keeping you off-kilter, preventing you from being able think clearly.

Look at your situation as if it is happening to a very good friend. What would you advise them to do?
Reality is frequently inaccurate.

 


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