like most of you (don't get offended please) i guess i am depressed :(

[danda]

i live in New Jersey with my boyfriend, the kindest, nicest dude i ve ever met, wednesday morning, today, rainy outside, i am  in bed, feel sad, mi cd4 went down, i am allergic to atripla, 214 is the number, i stopped taking it because of the allergy, i feel i cannot wait to start the medication (a different one)again, i am 23 yo, from peru, don't have legal status in this country and what  makes it worse, the hope of one day getting legitimate status goes away, i get medications for free (HAART) and i guess that screws up my hopes cause they say u can't get anything of legal status if you are in public programs like this, i go to school (college) but today i can't even read can't concentrate, i feel thi sis a punishment, because i was a whore, because i was careless

[komnaes]

Danda

No one deserves to get this virus. Getting infected is a consequence of actions we took in the past, that's no escape of it, but now that we're all hosting this virus we need to concentrate on the NOW, and only when we gain some control back over the present moments we can think about our FUTURE.

Some of those things that are making we weak or depressed are temporary - talk to your doctor about the allergy, s/he can help you dealing with it or change meds for you. I don't know how long ago you were diagnosed but a CD4 of 214 is not exactly low, and if your diagnosis is recent the numbers can swing a bit. As for the rain, well, it will go away, I promise you the sun will come out again.

The truth is, for other issues such as legal status, unless you are able to gain your strength back you will not be able to explore other opportunities and options you may still have. You said you have a supportive and loving partner, and that's in many ways is a wonderful position to be in. Don't let the depression to get too intense so get any help you can find now - friends, professional counselors, support groups, etc. I am sure there are many resources in NJ.

My feeling is - no one can punish and beat me up more than my own self. Forgive yourself first as you're only human, and human make mistakes.

A big hug to you, Shaun

(who's been to Peru and thinks it's a wonderful country full of wonderful and joyous people)

[a2z]

First, you are going to college; that opens future doors like you wouldn't believe.

If you are allergic to Atripla, there are other cocktails on the market.  I'm not an expert, but there is a lot of treatments for newbies http://www.aidsmeds.com/articles/WhenToStart_4759.shtml  Your doctor of course will know best. 

Have you consulted with an immigration attorney?  If not, you should do so if you can at all afford it.  Or some free legal aid service.  That way instead of worrying about something that is hearsay you will know your options.

[Andy Velez]

As far as legal issues are concerned, have you spoken to anyone in the Legal Dept. at GMHC in NYC? They should be able to help you out with the latest information.

And why should we get offended? You're just talking up about what's on  your mind, which is exactly what you ought to do.

Cheers,

[raroy273]

I'm right where you are at man.  I too feel that I deserved getting HIV and feel as though it should be the end of me.  Its hard and I dont what to tell you.  I have only known since May and have been on meds since June.  When it rains it pours.  I dont know if I have adjusted to being postivie yet or if this is just a stage that we go through to accepting it.  I have an appoitment with a shrink to help me through this, I may talk to him about chaning my anti-depressant, I know exercise plays a huge part, but I'm just too damn lazy.  Hope this helps man.

Ryan

[Joe K]

I've been poz for 24 years and the absolute worst thing you can do is to blame yourself forever, because of one mistake.  We are human and we make mistakes, granted the end result may be way out of proportion to the mistake, but it remains a mistake.  I still remember my first year and what you describe is totally normal.  It can take a year or more to adjust, so take your time.  You did nothing to deserve HIV and you need to learn how to forgive yourself for whatever role you played in becoming infected.  It can be very difficult, so seek help where you find it.  You know what you need, so do not be afraid to ask and if you do not like the first answer, then ask again with a little more force.

The fact that you feel depressed is totally normal as well and unless you have a history of depression, you can probably just use something on a temporary basis to reduce your depression.  What you have is a disease of the mind and treating it is no less important than your treating your body, it is just a very different part.  If you decide to try drugs, please give them at least 4 weeks before you determine if they are working.  Sometimes it a takes a few weeks to stabilize your brain chemical levels, but when it starts working, you will know it.

I've lived with depression and anxiety for over 30 years and I am not ashamed to seek help for my mental health and I forgave myself decades ago and I will never accept that any god would infect people with HIV for ANY reason.  Do not let the misguided beliefs of people make you feel any less of a person because you are poz.  You are the same person as before and all that has changed is now you are poz.  Give it time, it will get better, I promise.  Learn to become your own best friend, because one of things that best friends do is to forgive others for their mistakes, including themselves.