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Author Topic: Just found out  (Read 4451 times)

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Offline MyLife123

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Just found out
« on: September 19, 2020, 04:36:03 pm »
I found on Tuesday of this week that I am HIV positive and I have so many feelings. Iím hurt, Iím angry, Iím sad, Iím scared, I feel gross and donít want anyone to even touch me... like Iím a walking virus. I work in the medical field and understand that this is not the case but it doesnít change how I feel. I canít  stop crying. Iíve missed a few days of work already. Anytime Iím alone I have panic attacks. I just want to wake up from this nightmare. I have an appointment with a specialists on Tuesday to confirm my diagnosis, though I already took two at home tests and they were both positive. I do know when I was infected even though I still have not had any symptoms. The man that infected me wonít speak to me and I have questions, but I know theyíll never get answered. I feel like a crazy person right now even though I know itís normal to freak out over a diagnosis like this. One moment Iím ok and think I can do this, the next my stomach is in knots and Iím throwing up. I just need to hear from someone thatís been through this thatís itís ok, that Iím not crazy. That Iím going to be ok. That life will continue. That I wonít always feel like a walking virus. That Iím allowed to have these feelings and it will get better. I have a few people that are close to me in my life that Iíve let know what what was going on so I could have a support system and Iím so grateful for them but they donít/canít understand the thoughts that are going through my head.

Offline Jim Allen

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Re: Just found out
« Reply #1 on: September 19, 2020, 09:23:04 pm »
Hiya,

Sorry to hear about the test results, having a reactive result can be quite a shock and a tough time. It's also understandable, whatever activities lead to you acquiring HIV, to feel the need to talk the person they were with, although, it sounds like that's not possible.

Glad to hear you have supportive friends during this time. Life with HIV does go on, although, it can take time to fully digest the news though and get your head around it, that's very normal. Just keep in mind you are not alone.

In the meantime not to focus on HIV, easier said than done I know. Just try to keep busy, speak to the doctor on Tuesday and get confirmation testing done.

Until you have confirmation testing and a VL result I am going to ask you to only post in this one thread. Keep us posted here how you are getting on and feel free to ask any questions you might have.

Take it easy.

Best, Jim
« Last Edit: September 19, 2020, 09:31:01 pm by Jim Allen »
HIV 101 - Everything you need to know
HIV 101
Read more about Testing here:
HIV Testing
Read about Treatment-as-Prevention (TasP) here:
HIV TasP
You can read about HIV prevention here:
HIV prevention
Read about PEP and PrEP here
PEP and PrEP

Offline MyLife123

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Re: Just found out
« Reply #2 on: September 23, 2020, 09:06:29 pm »
They took two test Tuesday, both came back today. HIV1+. I meet with the infectious disease doctor tomorrow afternoon. I knew in my heart already I was, but the lab work as proof still hurt to read.

Offline Jim Allen

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Re: Just found out
« Reply #3 on: September 24, 2020, 01:16:10 am »
Sorry to hear that.

Keep us posted here how the doc visit goes and how you are getting on. Also, feel free to post any question or concerns here.

Best, Jim
« Last Edit: September 24, 2020, 01:48:07 am by Jim Allen »
HIV 101 - Everything you need to know
HIV 101
Read more about Testing here:
HIV Testing
Read about Treatment-as-Prevention (TasP) here:
HIV TasP
You can read about HIV prevention here:
HIV prevention
Read about PEP and PrEP here
PEP and PrEP

Offline MyLife123

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Re: Just found out
« Reply #4 on: September 26, 2020, 10:33:45 am »
At my appointment they started me on Biktarvy, seems ok so far. A little upset stomach, diarrhea, and gas but they warned me that was common and would hopefully subside in a few weeks. I went Friday and had a slew of labs drawn, 16 vials total, so hopefully by Monday Iíll have a full picture. Last week I was in shock. This week itís become very really. Iím still having a really hard time wrapping my head around it. As a nurse Iíve taken care of dozens of HIV+ patients and didnít blink an eye. But now that itís me I still canít stop feeling like a walking virus.... did anyone else every feel this way? Does it go away? I have an appointment with a therapist on Monday.

Offline virgo313

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Re: Just found out
« Reply #5 on: September 26, 2020, 01:14:17 pm »
Hello & Hi,

Donít feel bad. It only a matter of time & you will feel all right. Fact that you donít see those hiv+ patients you have taken care of as people with virus thus u Shd not feel u r a walking virus. Just continue with ur daily routine & you will feel better. It hard at the beginning & almost everyone will go through what you are going thru now. What thought you are thinking now is normal.
RVD Nov 2015. VL --> Log 5.32 HAART on 23/11/15
TDF+FTC+EFV / Chemo KS - 25/11/15 - 20/01/16.
CD4 - 4 (3/11/15) / VL - 225,000

Offline Tonny2

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Re: Just found out
« Reply #6 on: September 26, 2020, 01:32:52 pm »

         ojo.         Hello there, welcome to the forum!... I am sorry about your diagnosis, but you are not alone anymore, we are here for you... it is normal that you are feeling what youíre feeling, all of us went through the same feelings, just give it some time and you will learn to live with the virus... it is good that you are getting professional help to help you deal with the diagnosis, I am sure that you would get and feel better as time passes by. Take it from someone who has living with hiv/aids for almost 26 years. I still remember when I get my aids diagnoses, just 20 cd4, it didnít hit me that hare, but, when I asked the doctor how long would I live, he told me around two years, it was went it hit me hard (back in the days, 1994, getting this kind of diagnosis it was a death sentence, I went and hide in my bed for four days, at the fifth day I woke up and said to myself, The doctor told you that you had two years to live and I already wasted my days, so I took a shower and call my boss to let you know that I was going to be in the office the next day. Since then I worked every day until I couldnít do it  anymore because I was living with aids and got lots of opportunistic infection among them, cmv retinitis that left me almost blind. Now, getting and hiv dx is still difficult to get, but, with time and string that your medication is suppressing the virus, you will be able to keep making plans for the future because, Iím doing the same, planning for the future...again, you are not alone, we are here for you... please keep us posted...hugs

Ps. I pull a day, I hate you guys, I take eight a day, LOL, Iím not complaining, Iím still alive, remember, I was told I had two more years to live after my dx

Offline MyLife123

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Re: Just found out
« Reply #7 on: September 26, 2020, 08:39:57 pm »
Thank you for the words of encouragement. This has been a scary week and a half but just getting started on medication has helped me feel a little better. Glad to know Iím not going crazy and that what Iím feeling is normal. I canít even imagine finding out in the early 90s. The medical world has come so far since then. I donít want this diagnosis to consume my life, but right now itís all I can think about.

Offline fabio

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Re: Just found out
« Reply #8 on: September 27, 2020, 07:25:32 am »
Hey buddy,it's quite a difficult phase when it comes to getting the positive diagnosis,but know that it's just that: a phase. You will not always think that you are a walking virus,you are still human and you are still worthy of being loved,entitled to live a normal life.
Like you,we all went through this pain of diagnosis and ,personally can say,you will get through it and come out stronger.
The important thing is that now you know and soon you will go to the specialist,you will decide treatment and you'll see that it's just a condition you can keep under control. The key phrase is "keep under control",you will keep "it" under control,not "it" you.
Also,know that you are not alone,we are all here for you,whatever question you have.❤
« Last Edit: September 27, 2020, 07:27:51 am by fabio »

Offline MyLife123

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Re: Just found out
« Reply #9 on: September 28, 2020, 07:43:55 pm »
Thank all of you guys so much for your kind words. Itís good to know Iím not losing it and that it gets better. I spoke with a therapist today which I do think was very helpful for me. For some reason I have this ridiculous hiv stigma towards myself, which is odd to me but whatever. Still waiting on all of my blood work to return, does it normally take a bit for these labs? Mine will load automatically in my chart and Iíll be able to view them immediately but the anticipation is driving me crazy! My stomach issues seem to be getting better, mostly just some random intense gas pains and occasional nausea. The nausea could also be stress/anxiety related because Iíve had it since the first positive at home test. Iím still very anxious inside but the panic attacks have calmed down. Never had them before this. Itís nice to have this amazing group of people while processing this.

Offline Tonny2

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Re: Just found out
« Reply #10 on: October 01, 2020, 09:39:22 pm »


         ojo.            Iím glad you got professional help, it will take time first, to accept the dx, forgive yourself for acquitting it (it doesnít matter how you got it), then, you will learn to live with the virus, it is just a virus that if you take your med/s as order, the med/s will control the virus so you can take back control of your life...you can keep making plans for the future cause you will be around for a long time, Iím proof of, ďyes you canĒ, Iím still here writing to you after almost 26 years since my aids dx, even though I was told that probably I had two more years to live after my dx, furthermore, I had treatment failure since I began treatment, I lived with aids five more years after my dx, I still kept making plans for my future, then, I bought my house, and Iím still living in it...why am I still alive?, I donít know...anyway, just wanted to share with you a little bit of my story so you know that there is hope...please keep us posted and you are not alone...hugs

 


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