Update - Just under a month since DX

[idontknowhowbuthereitis]

Wanted to update on my situation since a month getting DXd and 3 weeks on meds.

My original VL test results was over a mil (caught during the acute stage) and got my new results yesterday they are about 1.5k.

Amazing - the medication truly works, if you have access to meds - you are blessed.

I also am very grateful to have a nurses / Dr who are really supportive and check in on me regularly, on a welfare level.

I feel bad that I use hospital resources, due to have unprotected sex and constantly apologizing for taking up hospital staff time, but they never rush me and always so happy to chat.

Honestly:

In hindsight, I was arrogant before DX, I never valued social workers, health care workers or therapists - I just thought people should sort their own issues out - I urge everyone to reach out to healthcare for help and support.

I have been truly humbled at the level of compassion and empathy I have received from the health support system and I have obviously changed my previous arrogant attitude.

As for my own personal mental health since DX, its a rollercoaster - an absolute mind fuck.

I can only imagine the challenges people had in the 80s, 90.

One day I accept my status, the next in denial / grief.

Walking around the city center I see beautiful girls and I think fuck me, how have I made myself less desirable by 99% to all of these girls. Sorry if this offends anyone who has come to terms to their status, I am still early days and the self-stigma is strong.

HIV is cruel, because of the stigma.

I have so far kept my DX a secret to EVERYONE, and maybe this will change one day, as the stigma is too much for me. Its hard enough dealing with it yourself never mind how truly devastated friends and family would be explaining it to them and having to reassure etc

Disclosure is such a tricky one for me because I would love to be a force for good for HIV by educating and showing it doesn't define my life, but it feels like its a losing battle and also HIV isn't something I particularly want associated with, but no choice now.

Its truly a mind fuck.

I hope as time goes on and hit u=u the self stigma will lesson and I can come to peace with my DX and be more open.

More arrogant honest confessions:

Would I have had a one night stand with someone with HIV before I was positive? Reality is, no chance. "plenty of non HIV fish in the sea" and all that. I guess I was an asshole. Hetrosexual community its not a common topic btw, I guess I was just non educated on the whole thing.

Sorry for my rant and if I have offended anyone with the above, less than 3 weeks into this journey, I hope I can find peace on this.

On a positive, the meds are working Take your meds

Hopefully I am more at peace with things when I do a next update, thanks for listening folks

[Tonny2]

            Ojo.                Hello there! … congratulations, I’m glad that your medication is suppressing the virus now now it’s just keep taking your medication as prescribed and learn how to live with HIV, it depends in how long it takes you to digest your new normal. Stigma= Ignorance so the best thing that we can do is mine our own business and don’t pay attention to others. You don’t have to tell anyone about your status. So I wish you the best and please keep us posted. By the way, you can rant all you want that’s why we are here for you, there are love of us who prefer to keep our status to ourselves and here, on this forums, you can express yourself.… Hugs

[idontknowhowbuthereitis]

Thank you for your kind words and for taking time out of your day to respond.

poz.com is great because it has a diverse membership (God bless the internet) and yes there are different opinions but everyone is in the same club. That being said, the general sentiment is respectful and kind-hearted, which is not always the case on the internet.

It's a great forum to vent, and document our own unique and highly personal experiences and hopefully, others who get recently DXd can take some sort of comfort and learn from others' journies (as I have done scrolling through historic forum posts).

medication is a game changer - we are blessed in those regards.

The active contributors to poz are truly unsung heroes. 

[Jim Allen]

Hiya,

It's the first weeks, and you are still digesting the diagnosis and only just started treatment. Give yourself time to head around things.

Regarding self-stigma, there are a lot of aspects, but after reading all of your posts, I think part of the issue for you is that you didn't consider HIV a concern in your little bubble that's now burst.

Walking around the city center I see beautiful girls and I think fuck me, how have I made myself less desirable by 99% to all of these girls. Sorry if this offends anyone who has come to terms to their status, I am still early days and the self-stigma is strong.

Yeah, so HIV doesn't make you less wanted by 99% and certainly its not the cause of 99% of women not wanting you.

You however definitely can make yourself less attractive or wanted. It so happens that this was a topic I was discussing two weeks ago with a group of PLHIV, anyhow, it's early days and plenty of other things to focus on for now.

HIV is cruel, because of the stigma

.

Stigma, HIV is not to blame, leaving self-stigma out of it, people and society are to blame and they can be cruel.

Sex & Drugs. Society has major issues with these topics for various reasons and we have a long way to go. HIV mainly comes from Sex and to a lesser degree drugs, this is a major part of the underlying problem people have with HIV.

I have so far kept my DX a secret to EVERYONE, and maybe this will change one day, as the stigma is too much for me. Its hard enough dealing with it yourself never mind how truly devastated friends and family would be explaining it to them and having to reassure etc

You have so far kept your private medical information, private. It's not some terrible dark secret. 

The majority of people don't share every medical detail/manageable condition they have with everyone or their family. They might share some things and not others and that's about it.

Also, I would urge people to wait, if possible, until they have their heads around it and to think before they share: Why are you sharing, What do you hope to gain?

Take it easy.