POS/POS Relationships - Hold tight.

[Life]

It would seem I generate allot of worry, but this is all new to me...

Me and Will are both positive.  We have been together now for almost four years and of that, 1 year has been being both positive.   William did not have to go on meds right away cuz his numbers (a year ago) were in the 700 range cd4.  I cant remember his vl load.   Well, this past few months, flu and other things have been filtering down from our jobs.  I have yet to be sick (flu).   But William has battled flu,  deep coughs, diarrhea etc and I grow worried.   

William was to have his overdue labs done 3 weeks ago, but due to illness, he could not come down and get these.   His next opportunity will be this Wednesday/Thursday, then we wait and see.   You know the emotional worry when there are two dealing with the same diagnosis can be good and it can be bad.   I for one stress out more about my mate than I do me and my virus.   William has not really educated himself as much as I have this past year.   I am not sure if you could say it was a form of denial or just his unbelievable demeanor.   He is the caregiver of this family.  But, I fret that he may be devoting to much time to me.   That was one of the reasons I got on-line to not be such a burdon to him.

Being "Married" carries so much joy and so much worry about eachother... Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to "go it alone".   Could I be one of those who will have to see his Partner in pain or misery?  Of course this is only a fleeting thought, but it is a thought all the same.   I want William to live a long life and I pray that I am giving him the best support a husband can offer.   So far it has not been hard, but what does the future hold?   Future again - I know the answer before you tell me...

I pray that William's numbers are still solid giving us more time establishing ourselves and finding our way in this uncharted situation.   I love him...   "In sickness and in health, to death due us part"..  I believe this, but still the threat of what may lie ahead is growing within me...

HIV has really made me nuts...

Love

[Longislander]

Hey Eric, of course I have no real answers for you

I can tell you this, going it alone, is 90% of the time NOT the way to go!!
I have no doubt that should he need you to be, you'll be the best caretaker he could ask for. But since that's not the case right now, MAKE SURE HIS ASS gets down that hill ASAP!!

Has he gotten the flu, even though he had a flu shot?!?!?!?!

[wellington]

Being single has been on my mind far too much lately. My partner and I have been togather for almost 17 years and the last two have been rather boring - he works incessantly and never seems to have time to discuss "relationship" matters. When he does make himself available, it's more about damage control than growth. Fortunately, he's neg so he can pretty much do whatever he likes - I get to deal with the physical and psychological matters. Sometimes, life just plain sucks. I'm not getting any younger and perhaps with everything that has gone on this year I'm finding myself in a bit of a mid-life crisis. Maybe I just need to get laid. I dunno

I know I'm really lucky to have a partner, but sometimes it sure doesn't feel very lucky at all, especially when my physical health hasn't been better in recent memory.

I hope William's tests turn out ok and that the flu is just a temporary affliction. Try not to worry too much about the future. It has a tendency to happen, whether we ask for it or not. I kinda like it when I don't dwell on it too much and just open it like a present

*smoochies*

[Eldon]

Hey Eric,

Worries, fears, what ifs, are inner anxieties that you can control within you. It is certain that we all want the BEST for each other. What matters is the here and the now. Continue to walk down the road on your "journey" in this life and cross the bridges when and IF they are there in your path.

The BEST thing that you can do is to continue to support William in the BEST way that you know how to. Make it a priority to get him down to the Doctor to get an update on his "status" and to pinpoint if there should be anything else going on.

CAUTION: Negative thoughts combined with your inner anxieties is completely unhealthy thinking as it leads to other unnecessary situations in this life.

Remain "positive" at all times. Release your inner fears and your inner anxieties. Make it a habit to change a "negative" thoughts into  "positive" thoughts. Worry does not change anything. The same situation will be right there after you put yourself through a totally unnecessary hassle.

Make the BEST of each Day!

[Life]

LG, Wellington and Eldon...

I know I create most of the havoc in my life.  I know this and having done it for most of my life, its not the easiest to switch off when it comes down to a life threatening illness..  I have always wanted to know everything knowable.   This was a bit easier when I was single.  I did not have to really worry about how my actions or inactions will affect someone else as now every action I take has a direct reaction to William...   I do not want to live the rest of my life alone, so there is a price to be paid.   As well, growth to be found...   I am just having to learn all this crap within a year?? Thats sucks!

Wellington I wish you well on your journey with your Partner...   Boy we have to juggle alot of eggs at once from time to time...   I don't think I have dropped one yet....

Love

[skeebo1969]

   Eric,

      This post just proves your love and support for William..  " Should I go at it alone?"  Not with the amount of love you have for that man, that's for sure!

   Eric just have faith in your actions, they are well intended...


   Thomas

[Eldon]

Hey Eric,

How can you aliveate these inner anxieties?

Communication with William his way he will understand you.


Make the BEST of each Day!

[Life]

Thanks Thomas & Eldon...

I know you guys keep moving me in good directions otherwise, I would not be here...

Me and William drove down valley yesterday with no apparent reason other than just to talk.   We have very open lines of communication and I think William really opened up a new playing field for both of us.   He knows and is concerned now for his health.  He told me he quit smoking and having his 1 drink after work.   He says, that hiv is now more of a concern since he has been dealing with being sick a bit more often than normal.

He also went on to tell me that this past week he told the College President and his peers that he was dealing with being positive.   Now this is something William said last year was not of any concern nor any of their business.   I think he feels now that he is pretty higly regarded and loved in the College and that he could be open about his diagnosis.   Thats huge in my mind. 

Now, I think he is ready to find out how his virus is doing.  I have never pushed him to do anything.  I only stated my concern that we should be checking reguarly our virus and take appropriate action.   I feel my anxiety is that we took so long between his tests...

[RobT]

Eric-
I hope that u porovide both the help and support that u 2 both deserve. Unfortunately or Fortunately my partner is neg, so I do not have to deal w/ the additional stress of my partner suffering the similar way that most seeem to suffer in dealing w/ this dreaded illness. I say fortunately cuz it wud break my heart if my partner put up w/ all the stuff that I have dealt w/ since I initially found out my diagnosis, and unfortunately cuz I highly doubt that he takes my condition seriously or not.
I just hope that u become the best caregiver that Will has in his time of need in dealing w/ these issues.

RobT

Current meds: Truvada/ Sustiva
VL: undetectable
CD4: 564

[northernguy]

Hey Eric, hang in there and try not to stress too much. When I first tested poz my doc told me not to blame every illness on HIV.  Getting a cold is getting a cold.  Plus stress lowers our immune systems, so that maybe why your partner is feeling a little sicker this year.

[RyanFL]

Sending nothing but good vibes your way..The future holds...what the future holds. Don't stress about things that you can not change. Everything will happen the way it is supposed to.  I have a good feeling both of you have a very bright, healthy future ahead...R

[poet]

Eric, I can only give you the perspective of a widower or more than one hiv positive boyfriend.  Yes, I have survived more than one hiv positive boyfriend, a term used because I was not in a relationship with any of them long enough for them to be considered a partner.  And my last partner (who left for work, not health)met me months after losing his long-term partner.  The thing which I have learned through all of this is the importance of respect for the other person and the other person's choices.  We, you and I or the next person, can't make someone do something or, to pick up another thread, can't scream when we should listen and hear.  As long as I felt that each boyfriend was making decisions, was thinking through what he was doing or not doing, I had to step back and allow it.  So when one chose to participate in an underground study which gave him a serious adverse reaction and, ultimately death, I knew that he had few if any other choices anyway and so he was making a choice he felt that he had to make.  When another, whose health was always uneven, faded away, I had to respect his choice to fade away.  When a third suffered a non-hiv related brain seizure and I went into overdrive with his health and family (and was later 'let go' for the intrusion) I realised that I had overstepped the line.  Ditto my late best friend who drifted into drugs and violence (a pick-up hit him so hard, I was told after his death, that one of his eyes came out of the socket).  We can't save people, partner, boyfriends. 

But, you are asking?  We can BE there for them.  We can hear what they need to say.  We can hold their hand if offered or needed.  We can love them.  But we have to respect them as well.  Win

[heartforyou]

Eric,

Who knows when death will come? No one...
So, enjoy the company of the heart.
It can do more for you than many meds.

I am sure you are a wonderful partner to William. You love him. That is crystalclear.

Hug
Hermie

[Andy Velez]

Eric, in case you haven't already noticed, that wonderful thing called a relationship comes with a lot of things that can be a pain in the butt. And with the joyous part there is always the possibility of loss. It's just part of the smorgaborg.

I recommend working to keep things as simple as possible. A tendency to be addicted to drama can result in a lot unnecessary potstirring. Sometimes we're just wired to do some of that.

Try not to burden your relationship with too much worrying. From what you written before it seems you and William have weathered a lot together and communicate pretty well. How about respecting him enough to figure he's chosen the right guy to be with and that he'll let you know when he's not satisfied about something. Really!

[allopathicholistic]

Now, I think he is ready to find out how his virus is doing. 

You'll both be a "united front". Maybe you inspired him with your latest labs!

[Life]

My plate is slowly clearing.. Today was an emotional day at work with some positive changes in staff..   William is scheduled to see Dr. Ben this Wednesday. The office is going to stay open an hour later so he can make it in....  I know I must remember I can only control me and my reactions to events that unfold.   I am turning this one (Will) over to the care of God, as I understand him.   Saying alot of prayers that he is in good shape.   And, even if he is not,  Dr. Ben says "Don't worry, will take care of him for you Eric"..

I am trying to stay the furthest away from Drama Andy..  It is of my own making it would seem....

Love to all..   

[Queen Tokelove]

Dr. Ben seems too cool and willing to leave the office open an extra hour so you guys can make it, that is fucking great. I'm sure everything will work out just fine. Go Dr. Ben!!!!! Go William!!!!!! Go Eric!!!!!!!!!

[Longislander]

we're all here for you and William, Eric. And we all have great faith in Dr Ben!

[Robert]

Eric, my friend....

Like that other WILL says, "What fools we mortals be...."

We tend to stir up a lot of trouble for ourselves, don't we?   I've been in the same boat as you, wanting to be the sole care-giver of my partner, and it just doesn't work out for either one of us.

I just know everything will be fine with Will.  He's in good hands with Dr. Ben and there is nothing, absolutely nothing, for you to worry about.

love you kiddo...robert

[Longislander]

last nite on "Extreme Home Makeovers" the father of the family had a saying.

'There are a lot of things to think about, and nothing to worry about.'