Guilt

[RobT]

All-
I have been so buys lately, juggleing both work and school full-time. I do not get enough sleep. Many of my friends, most do not know my status, wud b amazed on how active that I am. Realistically, it does not effect me til I either talk to my bf, Mike, or when I take my pill. I take my pill very religiously, 10.15pm right on the dot.
I feel so guilty about a lot of stuff that unfortunately I cannot take back. I have done lots of stuff that I regret including the biggest of all, which usually comes to my mind a lot more often than I wud even care to discuss.
I told some ppl here that I have been attending church. I started going in mid-March and am due to get baptized (Catholic) by next Easter. I guess I decided to attend Catholic Mass cuz of the guilt that I still feel. Another reason y I decided on the Catholic faith is cuz my Mike (bf) is Catholic. I know what ppl will say and what exactly the church believes in gays. Since my sex life is practically non-existent and I have started regretting a lot of stuff, including my sexuality; Catholicism seems to b in my eyes a 'perfect fit'. Just going to Catholic Mass makes me feel  more at ease.
Last weekend was rerally bad for me. I went to a lesbian bar for an xtra credit assignment for my Sexuality class and I saw a cute boy there. I told Mike about my experiece and he claimed that since I even said he was cute, it meant that I was tempted. I told him that since I went home alone, it meant that no matter how cute or attractive a guy is, I will always go home alone.
He then brought up my HIV status. Although I have been HIV+ since 2005, it is a story that I care not to discuss. I told him that whenever he tries to discuss it w/ me. I simply care not to discuss it w/ anybody PERIOD. He said the reaseon y I do stuff like this is a self-destructive mechanism is me. I still do not know how he came up w/ that idea.
There is a lot of stuff that I mb shud go over a shrink about our relationship. I still love my Mike no matter on how much pain and guilt that he has caused me.

Rob

Forgot to put in here, Mike and I, r working on salvaging our relationship; no matter the $$$ involved. Speaking of costs: How much price difference in medical care is the UK than here in Seattle?

[Basquo]

I told Mike about my experiece and he claimed that since I even said he was cute, it meant that I was tempted.

Are you serious??!??

I can't imagine going around for the rest of my life trying to convince myself that people aren't attractive, just so I won't feel guilty. I hope you have a really strong faith, as well as a strong belief that this faith is what you're truly comfortable with, otherwise you are setting yourself up for more GUILT.

I won't deny, though, that Catholicism is fascinating, and the ceremony, pomp and iconography might be very fufilling. But if it's order you seek, as well as fufillment, you might find that anywhere.

And Mike sounds like he's already thought out this guilt thing, since he's so readily accused you of temptation.

[Miss Philicia]

You have a boyfriend yet are feeling regret about being gay?  How do you plan on reconciling this?

[RobT]

All-
This is our way, Mike and I's, of salvaging our relationship. I am not sure if this is doable considering the costs and I will do whatever I can that is necessary to maintain our relationship, but it does lead me to question if this is really is neccessary. I will post this email about our plan and see what every1 thinks. I really hope that I can get some help on this. I plan on sometime seeing a shrink w/ the next 2 wks.

Babykins,
 
Per our lunchtime telephone conversation, here is what we can do to salvage our relationship:
 
1. AFTER you get your bachelor's degree, you will come and live with me in London on a tourist visa for up to six months. During that time, you will be unable to work legally in the UK and I will support you.
 
2. While you're living with me during this trial period, we will get professional couples counseling.
 
3. I recommend that you see a UK immigration lawyer during this time. It may be that you can apply for your visa while living with me in London and not have to return to the US . If you have to return to the US , it will probably take at least a year for you to get your visa.
 
4. Either of us can declare that the temporary experiment was a failure and that our relationship is over. Both of us are required to declare it a success.
 
5. If we agree that we want to make things permanent, then we will have a partnership ceremony before the end of your temporary stay in the UK . That way you'll at least return to the US with a "marriage license".
 
What I'll pay for:
 
Your support - living expenses (rent, utilities, food, etc) and spending money (within reason).
Couples counseling.
The partnership ceremony and all costs related to it.
 
What you'll pay for:
 
Airline tix to London .
Your meds.
Your health insurance.
Your immigration lawyer.
Any of your US debts (e.g. car loan, lease termination, etc.) are your business, not mine.
Permanent visa application.
 
 
Also, since you won't be covered by the NHS while living in the UK on a tourist visa, you must provide me proof that your have medical insurance during that time. Private hospital care in the UK is just as expensive as in the US .


Luv!
 
Mike xxx ooo uuu       

[RobT]

All-
Is it possible being on a tourist stay for 6 mnths in a country and pay for such ridiculously expensive item??

Rob

[Ann]

Rob,

I don't know how you would handle your finances, but as an American with a UK resident visa, I can tell you that you HAVE to apply for that visa in your country of origin. You CANNOT apply for it while in the UK on a tourist visa.

Ann

[RobT]

Ann,
Thought so. My bf will not give me what else the Home Office is requesting and it is almost like talking to a brick wall. He claims that I have all the information. I mailed it once w/ that big non-refundable fee, and it got denied; due to me submitting the paperwork too early.
I do not know how I will handle my finances. What happens if I suddenly "become poor" eg. deplete my savings and stuff. I do not know what will happen then. I bet Mike STILL does not know how much these meds cost w/o health insurance. Still a lot to discuss.
I will start seeing a therapist for all of my "other" guilt related problems, so I am trying to get help that way.
Whenever I get sad or feel like this whole adventure is impossible, I pray to St. Jude. Don't really know y. Whenevver I get "saddened", I usually go to this site and read all of the forums for inspriation, but that cycle continues on a daily basis for me.

Rob

[carousel]

Rob

I would always hope that any relationship that I was in would have an equal footing, that whatever happened that I could take care of myself.

Entering another country, where you at the very least you would only be able to work on a part time basis, means that you will be dependent on your boyfriend and that includes medical care.

My last boyfriend went through the same process of getting a visa.  It was a difficult, expensive process and took four years.  It also meant travelling back to his country in order to apply for the visa.

I may be wrong, but it seems to me what you are being offered is a contract.  If it does not work out, what would happen to you, living in a country that you don't know?

Reading your post, I wondered how long this relationship has been going on and where you met. 

The whole Catholic thing.  You are entitled to a faith, but if somebody is using that to make you feel guilty for being Gay or HIV, that's not right.

[Ann]

My bf will not give me what else the Home Office is requesting and it is almost like talking to a brick wall. He claims that I have all the information.

Rob, I can't help but think that perhaps your boyfriend doesn't really want you to move to the UK? He seems to be throwing an awful lot of obstacles in your way. If I had a lover in another country and I wanted that lover to join me, I wouldn't be refusing to help with information, I'd be moving heaven and earth to help.

I realise it may hurt you to hear that, but wouldn't it hurt more if you spent all your money to move over here, only to find another brick wall? I'd advise you to think VERY carefully about how he's treating you and what that says about his feelings regarding the relationship.

Good luck hun.

Ann