Author Topic: Oh, Mama Mia (Read 9310 times)

thunter34 · « **on:** August 30, 2011, 12:57:40 pm »

Mama is a little bit...um...touched. Yes....and I don't know quite what to do about it. She's been steamed at me for the last day or two, and I did not know why until it was revealed that she saw me share food off a fork with my niece on saturday.

Yes...we are still THERE after all these years, brim full of unwarranted HIV fears.

She is suspect of any source that tells her otherwise as well. I don't know if she would believe information from here even. Iit has more to do with her own mental issues than anything...genuine hypochondria.

She eats, drinks, sleeps and breathes doctor shows and medical books - yet somehow has managed to stay 30 years in the dark about HIV....even with me right in front of her face.

The temptation is to get really evil with her about it, perhaps by asking her why she doesn't seem to believe all her praying and shouting isn't enough to grant her an angelic circle of protection or perhaps by threatening to sneak into her kitchen and lick all the silverware.

And on that John Waters-esque note, I'll close.

Rather angrily,

-T

hope_for_a_cure · « **Reply #1 on:** August 30, 2011, 01:11:43 pm »

It sounds like your mom and mine went to different schools together.

Mine thinks that I am cured of the AIDS now and can be quite demanding at times. Just because the in home oxygen concentrator is no longer needed and I appear to be 'cleansed of that dreadful and horrific disease' she thinks all is just fine and dandy. I just came in from climbing up in a rather tall pine tree to pull down wisteria vines and such. Sweating like a ho on dollar night may not be the best thing for me but comes with the territory around here.

I hear ya Tim... they are in their own little world at times... but ya gotta luv Momur!!

Bless her heart!

Hellraiser · « **Reply #2 on:** August 30, 2011, 01:22:21 pm »

I've talked a little about my family before, but while I love them dearly they will never understand my life. Not the HIV, not the gay, none of it. So I find it best to keep them at arm's length and talk to them often. It's better for me than the drama that was living in the same town as them.

Buckmark · « **Reply #3 on:** August 30, 2011, 06:55:29 pm »

I'm sorry to hear this, Tim. It must be pretty disturbing to know that your Mom still has a fundamental misunderstanding of HIV, even after all these years. I don't blame you for being angry. And, the fact that it took her two days to get around to discussing why she was so upset.

But I hope it won't spoil your visit with your beautiful niece! Pictures of the darling little one?

Hugs,

Henry

Raf · « **Reply #4 on:** August 30, 2011, 07:32:55 pm »

thunter34, I'm sorry about your mother, and I agree, most of time even the family can be a big burden.

I'm fortunate, though, I must say, that in HIV knowledge, my mom learned FAST about the virus. I still remember her 3 years ago holding my hand when I was given my Dx, and supported me every bit of this bitter trip. I admire her, specially after this week. My dad, had lost weight all over these years, and we had to take him to the ER the last friday due to a pneumonia (or at least we thought that at first)...then the news striked...my dad is HIV+ (with an aids diagnosis of course), and had PCP ...damn, my mom cried that moment and I was speechless (fortunately for her, my dad and mom don't have relations since 20 years ago...so there was no need for testing her).

My mom and dad were a bit distant all these years, but now she's taking care of him just like she did with me years ago..it pains me SO MUCH seeing her getting through this again (and seeing my dad with this damned virus...why I have to deal now with this virus on someone I love? is not enough with me??? argh....). Thank god he's stable now, and we are waiting for the rest of tests (including confirmatory test, CD4/viral load, etc...) and I suppose he'll start the ARV treatment this week or the next, along with the treatment for the PCP.

She's my hero, and I doubt I'll ever leave my house, specially after this, they need me and I need them.

(Heh, I thought about doing a topic about my dad in the "someone I care" forum but...I don't have many specific doubts yet)

newt · « **Reply #5 on:** August 30, 2011, 07:49:35 pm »

Hay boy hello, long time no hear.

Give her a CDC leaflet or indulge her, deppends which you believe is more likely to get results. Families is complicated and some members will always look for moral leverage however much they love you.

- matt

Miss Philicia · « **Reply #6 on:** August 30, 2011, 07:54:49 pm »

It's all about learning to tame, control, and ultimately manipulate your mother.

bocker3 · « **Reply #7 on:** August 30, 2011, 07:58:21 pm »

Tim,

Sorry to hear this -- as others have said, family is a funny thing. The people you love to hate and hate to love. All you can do is what you can do...... You have tried to educate her, but you can't change her, only how you let her affect you. Enjoy your visit and focus on the good stuff (I know that is easy for me to say here in VA, and tougher for you to do there).

Sending hugs,

Mike

Jody · « **Reply #8 on:** August 30, 2011, 08:22:32 pm »

Sorry Tim about your mom, there really are deeper issues involved with sons and their mothers. Even if they do have rational 21st century knowledge of AIDS and how it is transmitted, they have emotional "Why my son" issues or anger issues or heartbreak issues concerning living with HIV and having a beloved family member have this disease. My mom is a nice woman and means well but many years ago said: "I know they have AIDS in Africa, but why you?"

So your mom probably rationalizes in ways that may not seem so obvious to you, these feelings and thoughts are from her perspective.

Jody

thunter34 · « **Reply #9 on:** August 30, 2011, 09:39:43 pm »

Thanks, all. Yeah...it is tough because I recognize that this is largely a problem in her psyche, as in there are times when this all floats by without any drama.

This is not one of those times, and it is a very inopportune time for one of her mental flare ups because, as Henry alluded, there is other family in town...namely, the great niece (5 mos old).

She (Mother) is also freaking out about the fact that I've kissed on the little one. Mind you, this has been done numerous times before without incident. So it just goes to show that it's largely her mental issues happening. I try to be gracious about these things...but only to a point, ya know? I refuse to allow myself to be deemed "contaminated".

It just sucks and I needed to vent.

Perhaps now is not the time to turn her on to that HIV tears thread, eh?

Ann · « **Reply #10 on:** August 31, 2011, 08:01:54 am »

Quote from: thunter34 on August 30, 2011, 12:57:40 pm

or perhaps by threatening to sneak into her kitchen and lick all the silverware.

I'd be tempted to do the same - and lick all the plates too, for added umph.

Raf, sorry to hear about your dad. Your mum sounds like a wonderful, caring woman.

spacebarsux · « **Reply #11 on:** August 31, 2011, 10:09:27 am »

This does suck. Sorry to hear that thunter.

If it makes you feel any better my mom wanted to separate my towels from everyone else's- so you're definitely not alone. (She knows it is impossible to transmit HIV that way- but she gave me some absurd excuse that since I am more prone to skin infections it doesn't hurt to be extra careful. Only it does 'hurt'.

I have reconciled myself to the fact that parents don't change and will never let go of their eccentric ways based on their belief system. It's best to just work your way around it or ignore it and not let these things bother you (which is far easier said). I can fight with my mom about these absurd things she comes up with and sometimes she does give way to reason, but oftentimes- it's just the 'problem of belief' rooted in irrational fears which is just too tiring to tackle. It's simpler to avoid her on these topics or just move out.

Raf, so sorry to hear about your dad.

emeraldize · « **Reply #12 on:** August 31, 2011, 11:28:35 am »

Tim --

Not too long after dx, I was at a familly dinner at a restaurant and my niece and I split a piece of pie AND ate it from the same plate. Separate forks and a split of the goods, but a common plate.

I don't remember exactly how it came up later, but it wigged my sister and her husband. She was pretty cool about bringing it up. It gave me an opportunity to explain how at no point was my niece at risk, but that I would not do it in the future, ever, as it was unsettling to them.

It also gave me a chance to assure that never would I put any family member at risk of contracting HIV from me. There's never been an issue since. And, I know by how much food prep, utensil handling, meat carving I've been involved in that she/they believe what I said.

Em

spacebarsux · « **Reply #13 on:** August 31, 2011, 01:08:38 pm »

Quote from: emeraldize on August 31, 2011, 11:28:35 am

It gave me an opportunity to explain how at no point was my niece at risk, but that I would not do it in the future, ever, as it was unsettling to them.

But in an ideal world we shouldn't have to apologise or state that we wouldn't share food again or whatever.

If you ask me, from a scientific standpoint, you were the one who was at a bigger risk of catching some bug from your niece, not her. We're the ones with a compromised immune system.

emeraldize · « **Reply #14 on:** August 31, 2011, 01:37:03 pm »

Quote from: spacebarsux on August 31, 2011, 01:08:38 pm

But in an ideal world we shouldn't have to apologise or state that we wouldn't share food again or whatever.

If you ask me, from a scientific standpoint, you were the one who was at a bigger risk of catching some bug from your niece, not her. We're the ones with a compromised immune system.

I understand that, Space, but it was she who needed reinforcement of info and of my awareness -- she was protecting her daughter. I get it. And, it's probably never gonna be an ideal world. I agree we're often at greater risk of picking up a bug.

aztecan · « **Reply #15 on:** August 31, 2011, 11:00:24 pm »

Hey Tim,

Sorry about you mom. This can really suck. If it helps, I'll come over and help you lick the kitchen.

HUGS,

Mark

Theyer · « **Reply #16 on:** September 01, 2011, 12:27:42 pm »

Sorry to hear about this, however it turns its hurtful good luck and I hope it does not go on too long.
love theyer

Raf · « **Reply #17 on:** September 04, 2011, 10:53:23 pm »

Quote from: Ann on August 31, 2011, 08:01:54 am

Raf, sorry to hear about your dad. Your mum sounds like a wonderful, caring woman.

Quote from: spacebarsux on August 31, 2011, 10:09:27 am

Raf, so sorry to hear about your dad.

Thank you both of you, my dad has been progressing well from the PCP treatment, he's been given bactrim since the last week. He's now able to walk, and talk, and he's eating more. He's coming back to his oldself, the stubborn old man who thinks himself as superman, he even today he was talking about coming back to work soon! I reminded him that his defenses are really low, and we don't know yet the results of the blood tests, so he'll stay at the hospital. He seems a bit reluctant to talk to me about his HIV (and I can't blame him, I'm sorta like him, and maybe he's still on the initial shock of the Dx so I'll give him time and space) but at least he's more open with my mom and she will keep me informed about anything.

Argh, it's so difficult to see this infection from the outside, and I don't know how my mom was able to deal with this twice, it almost bring me to tears everytime I think about this.

Jeff G · « **Reply #18 on:** September 04, 2011, 11:40:02 pm »

I missed this thread some how . Tim , I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this . I'm a firm believer that some time we must be strong in what we know to be true while trying to forgive the ones who cant except it .

Ann · « **Reply #19 on:** September 05, 2011, 09:01:02 am »

Quote from: Raf on September 04, 2011, 10:53:23 pm

Argh, it's so difficult to see this infection from the outside, and I don't know how my mom was able to deal with this twice, it almost bring me to tears everytime I think about this.

Raf, I can only speak from my own experience but I think when we women become mothers, something changes in our brains that makes us unusually emotionally strong where our loved ones are concerned. Kinda like how we grow eyes in the backs of our heads.

Give her a hug from me, ok? Thanks.

Good to hear your dad is doing so much better. May he continue to improve in all aspects of dealing with hiv.

emeraldize · « **Reply #20 on:** September 05, 2011, 12:58:00 pm »

Quote from: Ann on September 05, 2011, 09:01:02 am

Raf, I can only speak from my own experience but I think when we women become mothers, something changes in our brains that makes us unusually emotionally strong where our loved ones are concerned.

Nicely put, Ann. I think motherhood helps to filter out the nonsense and stick with the essential in crises. Kinda like being a member of an EMS team -- you're supremely focused on the patient--the onllookers don't matter.

Joe K · « **Reply #21 on:** September 05, 2011, 01:42:26 pm »

Quote from: spacebarsux on August 31, 2011, 01:08:38 pm

But in an ideal world we shouldn't have to apologise or state that we wouldn't share food again or whatever.

In an ideal world, none of us would be poz. All relationships come with a cost and sometimes the ones we hold dearest cost the most.

Raf · « **Reply #22 on:** September 06, 2011, 08:42:56 pm »

Quote from: Ann on September 05, 2011, 09:01:02 am

Raf, I can only speak from my own experience but I think when we women become mothers, something changes in our brains that makes us unusually emotionally strong where our loved ones are concerned. Kinda like how we grow eyes in the backs of our heads. Give her a hug from me, ok? Thanks.

Good to hear your dad is doing so much better. May he continue to improve in all aspects of dealing with hiv.

Quote from: emeraldize on September 05, 2011, 12:58:00 pm

Nicely put, Ann. I think motherhood helps to filter out the nonsense and stick with the essential in crises. Kinda like being a member of an EMS team -- you're supremely focused on the patient--the onllookers don't matter.

Most definitely. You ladies rock, that's for sure.

Forums Index

Welcome

Author Topic: Oh, Mama Mia (Read 9310 times)