Reinventing

[wolfter]

I wrote this in my journal on Bill's birthday and felt like posting it.  I thought maybe there were a few points that some might find beneficial.  I don't typically post these thoughts but felt an exception today.  I apologize for the length.

I think I’ve finally figured out the disconnect in my latest tribulation of life.  I’m pretty certain I was infected in the mid 80’s and was admitted with AIDS to the hospital in 1991.  It still frightens me to think back and relive those emotions knowing full well the prognosis and watching loved ones die one at a time.  Kind of like a sick game of 10 little HIV infected Indians. 

Throughout all those trials, I was able to reinvent myself and push forward.  To have someone support and push me was invaluable.  I was but a mere kid when I was infected and not sure how I shouldered that heavy burden.  My gay nephew is the same age that I was when I was probably infected.  I’m certain he wouldn’t have that same fortitude even with the probability of an extended life.

Some how I became complacent in the belief that my Bill would always be there and would be the one to finally care for me and comfort me at the end.  I never prepared for any other possibility as it wasn’t fathomable.  To lose him so suddenly devastated my entire world.  Suddenly, I didn’t feel the need to reinvent myself and move on.  At least I can now admit to myself the stupidity of my actions. 

This latest illness taught me that I had to finally surrender or once again reinvent myself.  I’m happy with the metamorphosis so far.  For the first time in my life, I’m forced to do it alone and dig deeper than I ever have.  Even though I did the physical work, Bill was in charge of mental portion of my disease.  He was in charge of doctor’s appointments, ensuring that I took my medication once it became available and stressing about the daily activities of life in general.  He definitely had the heavier burden.

I talk to him quite often but would love just one more conversation in person.  I’d love to apologize for forcing that heavy burden on him.  He knew my love was sincere and I never hesitated to express it.  But I still can’t help but feel heavy hearted for being less than a partner in other aspects of our daily lives.  He never had a partner to discuss finances with, decide on vacations, make decisions or assist with worrying about those things that most couples face.  I always felt like I contributed my share but hindsight shows me how selfish I really was. 

The greatest gift he left me was the ability to finally be the man I should have been.  I sometimes get the feeling that he’s grinning ear to ear knowing that finally, I have tossed out most of the emotional garbage that I’ve been hoarding for so long.  I was adamant that I’d never be gay in public and was determined to hold that close.  He deserved more than “room mate” status after 15 years.  I just never thought I’d have the strength to discard the shame and be happy with whom I really am. 

This emotional journey has been tougher than any physical ailment that I’ve endured.  And it has been the most rewarding.  I’m finally looking forward to becoming the best person I can be instead of the best person I want people to think I am.  Nothing worth achieving in life is easy and I’m sure I’ll make several mistakes along the way. 

[leatherman]

The greatest gift he left me was the ability to finally be the man I should have been.

that's beautiful, Wolfie.
and thank you for sharing some more about Bill too.
I KNOW that he is proud of you and the man you have become

love ya, man!

[Inchlingblue]

Thank you for sharing that.

Did Bill die of HIV-related causes?

Why did you believe you would die before he would?


If you don't mind my asking.

[wolfter]

Thank you for sharing that.

Did Bill die of HIV-related causes?

Why did you believe you would die before he would?


If you don't mind my asking.

Bill was the perfect picture of health.  We had no clue anything was wrong with him.  He always picked me up for lunch on Fridays and he complained that he was getting a cold.  He managed to get in to see his doctor that afternoon and by the following week they had admitted him for what they thought was pneumonia.  A couple of days later, we got the dreaded cancer diagnosis.  Both brain and lungs.  He passed away the following Monday before we could even decide if there was a course of action. 

I just always assumed I'd go first because I had all the medical issues.  AIDS at 26, numerous infections, heart attack at 36 and just routine stuff like that.