HIV

[anonyme2022]

Hello, I am 22 years old and have been living with HIV for 1 year now. My ex boyfriend is the one who changed my life forever. He gave me HIV and when I found the medicine in his stuff he hit me. He did not care about me and what he did to me. After a year of all this happening, I'm still depressed. And it's hard to take the medicine every morning because it reminds me of what he put me through. Sometimes I want to end my life but I'm scared and I don't have the strength to take action.

[leatherman]

Sorry to hear about how you ended up here; but you should find some answers and some support here.

How are you numbers so far? I'm imagining your caught the infection pretty quickly and being on meds now means that HIV didn't have much time to do a lot of damage to your immune system.

Were you able to talk to your ex about this before you broke up? It sounds like HIV might have been new to them too (because after 6 months of being undetectable on meds, a person is no longer able to transmit HIV).

I hope you will look into getting some mental health counseling or support (check with your HIV provider/doctor) to help with the depression. Always try to keep in mind that these days, HIV is a manageable disease. As someone who was infected when they were 23 and will be turning 61 in about two months, my best advice is to just keep taking the daily meds and make sure to live your life to it's fullest. Don't let a stupid disease or a bad boyfriend ruin your life.

[Tonny2]

            ojo.           Hello there!


I’m really sorry you are feeling depressed, we all here have gone to the same situation. I know that it’s easier saying than doing it but, in order for you to restart living your life, you have to turn the page. What your bf did was awful but you need to take responsibility for your acts too. And the best way to learn to live with this virus is to accept that having unorotected sex was a mustake and, try to firgive yourself for that. Don’t get me wrong, as I said, I’m sorry for you being here on this forum, you are now t alone antmire, you can count on us to try to make you feel better by reading our members stories and your can share your here.



About you wanting to kill yourself, us it worthy to do it for this guy?, don’t you have loved ones to think about the pain you would cause them if you were to harm yourself?. You are only 22 years old…why don’t you think when you take your “vitamins “ that, you are lucky that have a med to take everyday to help you keep your dreams alive abd that you will be able to live a normal life instead, I invite you to see your situation as a half ful glass and keep moving forward with your life because se I’m sure your ex is doing the same. Depends where you live, there are laws that penalize what your ex did to you.


We have on these firums, different stories about how some of us acquired the virus, I know of one that, this person, when he got his dx of AUDS he was only 19 years old (tragic) don’t you think so?, but, it doesn’t matter how you acquired it now, what matters is what you are going to do about it, either you want to be a fighter or a victim, i hope you want to keep taking your “vitamin ne” vitamine” everyday and decide, like all if us on these forums, to be a fighter and hopefully, become a better hiv man being and taking better desicion to live a happier life.


Please tell us more about you like, what “vitamine” you are taking, your VL, cd4, and whatever you want to vent.


Wishing you the best and I hope you understand my message because English is my second language and my damn Cell phone is fading on me… I invite you to read some of our stories

[Valence]

My sympathies are with you.  Your anger towards your ex is understanable.  I have similar feeliings.

Re taking your medicine:   Be glad medicines are availalbe.  When I sero converted, way back in the 1980's, nothing was out there.  So many of my contemporaries died a long time ago.  Also, be glad that today's meds, for the most part, are free of the manifold toxicities of some of the earlier meds. 

[anonyme2022]

Sorry to hear about how you ended up here; but you should find some answers and some support here.

How are you numbers so far? I'm imagining your caught the infection pretty quickly and being on meds now means that HIV didn't have much time to do a lot of damage to your immune system.

Were you able to talk to your ex about this before you broke up? It sounds like HIV might have been new to them too (because after 6 months of being undetectable on meds, a person is no longer able to transmit HIV).

I hope you will look into getting some mental health counseling or support (check with your HIV provider/doctor) to help with the depression. Always try to keep in mind that these days, HIV is a manageable disease. As someone who was infected when they were 23 and will be turning 61 in about two months, my best advice is to just keep taking the daily meds and make sure to live your life to it's fullest. Don't let a stupid disease or a bad boyfriend ruin your life.

Hello...thank you for your kind words. I don't know about my numbers, the only thing I know is that I am taking Bictarvy. To be honest, when I go to the hospital, my mind goes blind. I don't really listen to what the doctor says...I feel so miserable... To answer your question, when I confronted my ex about the virus, how he knew he had this and he didn't tell me and gave it to me on purpose, he became violent and hit me...I went to the police, he went to jail but got released, however our university expelled him... He doesn't care about me, only himself.

I am trying to work on myself and move on but it's so difficult. I can spend hours crying in my room. I'm scared (I'm scared of what my life will be like with this virus, how people or my family will see me, I'm afraid for my future life, having children and seeing someone again) and I hate myself . I know crying and feeling sorry for myself won't change the past but sometimes I can't help but feel lost....but I do want to overcome this..Can I ask you how is your daily life living with hiv?

[anonyme2022]

            ojo.           Hello there!


I’m really sorry you are feeling depressed, we all here have gone to the same situation. I know that it’s easier saying than doing it but, in order for you to restart living your life, you have to turn the page. What your bf did was awful but you need to take responsibility for your acts too. And the best way to learn to live with this virus is to accept that having unorotected sex was a mustake and, try to firgive yourself for that. Don’t get me wrong, as I said, I’m sorry for you being here on this forum, you are now t alone antmire, you can count on us to try to make you feel better by reading our members stories and your can share your here.



About you wanting to kill yourself, us it worthy to do it for this guy?, don’t you have loved ones to think about the pain you would cause them if you were to harm yourself?. You are only 22 years old…why don’t you think when you take your “vitamins “ that, you are lucky that have a med to take everyday to help you keep your dreams alive abd that you will be able to live a normal life instead, I invite you to see your situation as a half ful glass and keep moving forward with your life because se I’m sure your ex is doing the same. Depends where you live, there are laws that penalize what your ex did to you.


We have on these firums, different stories about how some of us acquired the virus, I know of one that, this person, when he got his dx of AUDS he was only 19 years old (tragic) don’t you think so?, but, it doesn’t matter how you acquired it now, what matters is what you are going to do about it, either you want to be a fighter or a victim, i hope you want to keep taking your “vitamin ne” vitamine” everyday and decide, like all if us on these forums, to be a fighter and hopefully, become a better hiv man being and taking better desicion to live a happier life.


Please tell us more about you like, what “vitamine” you are taking, your VL, cd4, and whatever you want to vent.


Wishing you the best and I hope you understand my message because English is my second language and my damn Cell phone is fading on me… I invite you to read some of our stories

Hello...thank you for your support. I am taking Bictarvy. I take my meds every morning now (at first it was hard to take them as it reminded me of what happened and the trauma). It's still hard but I try to take it every day.

I am trying to work on myself and move on but it's so difficult. I can spend hours crying in my room. I'm scared (I'm scared of what my life will be like with this virus, how people or my family will see me, I'm afraid for my future life, having children and seeing someone again) and I hate myself . I know crying and feeling sorry for myself won't change the past but sometimes I can't help but feel lost....but I do want to overcome this..Can I ask you how is your daily life living with hiv?

[Tonny2]

                    ojo.          Hello again!!!


You have the right to feel anger, etc, although you say that it’s been a year since your dx, try to turn the page please, you are wasting time and energy, you are a young person that should be enyoing life…try to keep busy, wirk, school, etc., and I understand how you feel while taking your “vitamine”, even after 28 years taking my vitamines simetimes i feel like you when i see my own pharmacy on top of my kitchen table. Anyway, try to read my thread “HOPE DIES LAST”, to learn about my story, I don’t want to hijacke your post.




How is my live since I’m positive?, more positive. This virus and having to live with AIDS for five more years after my dx, has made me stronger and see life differently, I don’t complaint for little things and i see even if became more sensible to the pain of other.



A day in my life while living with hiv: I’m not as lucky than you that takes just one pill a day. I wake up everyday at 7.00 am to take my “VITAMINs” with my breakfast, I have to take four pills in the morning and four more after my dinner, they have to be taken with food, which it’s a pain in the butt sometimes when i have to go out for dinner, I’ve to bring my personal little pharmacy with me, you take just ONE pill a day, with or without food, grrr.

After  having breakfast, dessert included, vitamins, my friend takes me to the gym, I’m legally blind so I don’t drive anymore, workout for onw hour, have to because i have osteoporosis. Then go back home do some cleaning around my house, take my dogs for a walk, it seems that they are the ones taking me for a walk around the block because I’m legally blind and getting worse, good dogs. I “read” a lot (audiobooks) and travel so much. I had to retire early due to my blindness. Ah!, and I’m still here trying to suppirt newly diagnosed members, like you. My life is boring because I lost my independence not. Being able to drive. But it is what it is, I’m still alive.


Ke keep yourself busy and turn the page and the start taking back control of your life, your medication, or vitamin, is taking control of the virus so you can live a normal life.


You talk about having children,
There are so many members of this forum who have had children
But I think you’re too young to start thinking about that. You don’t have to tell anyone about your diagnosis, at least, and tells you have digested completely your diagnosis and feel comfortable telling someone about it.


Thief, formula to defeat HIV is taking your medication as  Prescribed and a positive attitude…best of luck and we are here for you.                                  ojo

[Jim Allen]

Hiya,

Sorry to hear about the abusive relationship and that you also acquired HIV.

I'm scared (I'm scared of what my life will be like with this virus, how people or my family will see me, I'm afraid for my future life, having children and seeing someone again) and I hate myself

Hate yourself for what?

HIV isn't a roadblock to sex, work, having children, dating etc. It's just another medical condition, I have several manageable conditions, and most people will as they age, and HIV is the least of my concerns in life. The washing machine breaking down last month caused me more grief and stress than HIV has in a long, long time.

.Can I ask you how is your daily life living with hiv?

Boring.

My daily life is just an average boring, and safe everyday life. This morning I got up, got the two kids to school, walked the dog and now I am writing this. I got to go shopping after this and check in with friends later. I used to work and had quite a happy and successful career until I decided to stop working.

I know crying and feeling sorry for myself won't change the past but sometimes I can't help but feel lost....but I do want to overcome this..

After a year of all this happening, I'm still depressed.

Have you spoken to your healthcare provider about the depression, and have you gotten assistance such as therapy, support programs and antidepressants?

You are not alone, and I can appreciate it feels overwhelming, but depression isn't something that will go away by itself, so getting treatment & support is critical.

https://www.aidsmap.com/about-hiv/depression-and-hiv

I don't know about my numbers, the only thing I know is that I am taking Bictarvy. To be honest, when I go to the hospital, my mind goes blind. I don't really listen to what the doctor says

Do you get online access to your labs? If not, take a pen and paper next time to take notes and write down any health questions or topics you wish to have answered beforehand to help with the conversation.  From your post, it seems some topics could be addressed by your doctor when you talk to them.

You should know if your viral load isn't suppressed because if it is not, you can switch medications to something that does work. HIV is medically straightforward to manage and isn't a roadblock to life. However, developing AIDS isn't a picnic and could kill or disable you,  and if your meds are not correctly working, you could also gain additional treatment resistance.

The other reason is in the future if you do have a relationship and your viral load is successfully suppressed, it means you can't sexually pass on HIV.  https://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=71848.0


Anyhow, I wish you well, and for the time being, I will ask you to only post in this thread, and people can reply to you here.

[leatherman]

I don't know about my numbers, the only thing I know is that I am taking Bictarvy. To be honest, when I go to the hospital, my mind goes blind. I don't really listen to what the doctor says

well, that's not good. If you're going to take the time to consult with a doctor and take treatment then you need to get your money and time's worth by at least knowing the basics. Check with the results from your labwork and learn what your cholesterol, triglycerides, iron, sugar, etc counts are. Those will tell you about your health. As far as the HIV, you need to know your viral load (hopefully after being on meds for a while you're undetectable) and cd4 count (if it's below 200 are you taking bactrim to prevent pneumonia?)

Your mind goes blank? That's what paper and pen are for.  Before you see your doctor, write down anything you need to ask or want to talk about. During the appointment, make sure to write down your VL and cd4 count, along with any new questions. I've been treated for HIV for 30 years and never gone into a doctor's appointment without pen and paper.

when I confronted my ex about the virus, how he knew he had this and he didn't tell me and gave it to me on purpose, he became violent and hit me...I went to the police, he went to jail but got released, however our university expelled him... He doesn't care about me, only himself.

ah, so you didn't really talk about the issue, you confronted him. (well, it sounds like you confronted him after invading his privacy and snooping through his belongings.) While I can understand that, unfortunately then you didn't get the answers you needed. IF you ex-boyfriend had been taking HIV medication and had an undetectable viral load for at least 6 months, then he couldn't have transmitted HIV. You didn't say anything about how long y'all were together, nor why you got tested, so perhaps he assumed your diagnosis meant you had unprotected sex with someone else or that you were actually infected prior to him being with you. It wasn't right for him to assault you, but it sounds like you were both mad and didn't have the conversation you needed

People really don't transmit HIV to anyone on purpose. Everyone's health is their own unique issue. Unfortunately, you had unprotected sex which put yourself at risk for STIs including HIV. Like any other disease (think about how we wore masks and social distanced against COVID), when you don't protect yourself (no condoms, no PrEP, no regular testing) you put yourself at risk.

Can I ask you how is your daily life living with hiv?

I was 23 when I was infected and that was 38 years ago. Though I've have my fair share of hardships (a lot of health issues back in the mid 90s before there were medications), I couldn't be healthier or happier now. I take my medication every morning and go live my life without ever thinking about HIV.

While you might not be able to see it yet, that IS your future too. HIV is a manageable issue. Take your meds every day (just like someone might take blood pressure meds every day) and live you life to the fullest.

[anonyme2022]

well, that's not good. If you're going to take the time to consult with a doctor and take treatment then you need to get your money and time's worth by at least knowing the basics. Check with the results from your labwork and learn what your cholesterol, triglycerides, iron, sugar, etc counts are. Those will tell you about your health. As far as the HIV, you need to know your viral load (hopefully after being on meds for a while you're undetectable) and cd4 count (if it's below 200 are you taking bactrim to prevent pneumonia?)

Your mind goes blank? That's what paper and pen are for.  Before you see your doctor, write down anything you need to ask or want to talk about. During the appointment, make sure to write down your VL and cd4 count, along with any new questions. I've been treated for HIV for 30 years and never gone into a doctor's appointment without pen and paper.
ah, so you didn't really talk about the issue, you confronted him. (well, it sounds like you confronted him after invading his privacy and snooping through his belongings.) While I can understand that, unfortunately then you didn't get the answers you needed. IF you ex-boyfriend had been taking HIV medication and had an undetectable viral load for at least 6 months, then he couldn't have transmitted HIV. You didn't say anything about how long y'all were together, nor why you got tested, so perhaps he assumed your diagnosis meant you had unprotected sex with someone else or that you were actually infected prior to him being with you. It wasn't right for him to assault you, but it sounds like you were both mad and didn't have the conversation you needed

People really don't transmit HIV to anyone on purpose. Everyone's health is their own unique issue. Unfortunately, you had unprotected sex which put yourself at risk for STIs including HIV. Like any other disease (think about how we wore masks and social distanced against COVID), when you don't protect yourself (no condoms, no PrEP, no regular testing) you put yourself at risk.
I was 23 when I was infected and that was 38 years ago. Though I've have my fair share of hardships (a lot of health issues back in the mid 90s before there were medications), I couldn't be healthier or happier now. I take my medication every morning and go live my life without ever thinking about HIV.

While you might not be able to see it yet, that IS your future too. HIV is a manageable issue. Take your meds every day (just like someone might take blood pressure meds every day) and live you life to the fullest.

He's the first and only person I've slept with. And he was the one who insisted on not using a condom which is why I confronted him. He never told me about his status, he never wanted to use a condom...I trusted him...that's why I hate myself, I feel so stupid, ashamed, dirty...

Thanks for the advice, I will write down any questions I have next time I go to the hospital

[Jim Allen]

Sex is nothing to feel dirty or ashamed about, nearly everyone has sex, and it's perfectly normal.

You took a risk that multiple millions of people take daily, but you were one of the unfortunate few. It will not be your last mistake; I am sure it was not your first, but it sounds like you are still digesting the news and the idea of living with HIV. This can take time, and we're here for you. You are not alone.

Are you getting any support and treatment for the depression? Also, what does your support network look like regarding HIV, do you have anyone to talk to? Are you engaged in any peer support groups or therapy sessions?