I just really have to vent right now.

[izprince1984]

Where to start?

My family has always suspected that I had mental problems, I guess thats true, I was committed when I was 17 for trying to kill myself, and when the police got there, they found drugs on me.

I spent two months in a "mental hospital" and then a few weeks in the juvenile detention center waiting trial, I happened to get a fairly good lawyer, and I got 6 months of house arrest and a 1 year suspended sentence.

I went for a couple of years clean, I could hold down jobs, but usually not for long, I moved to a bigger city and ended up back on the drugs/party thing, and thats when I contracted Gonorrhea, Herpes, and HIV, I don't know the order I got them in or who from, you're supposed to like call everyone and tell them, but honestly, half of them I couldn't even remember their name.

Anyway, the last few years have been pretty uneventful, til recently, my bipolar disorder is getting worse, I spent a week where I just didn't get out of bed at all and I got fired from my last job, and now I'm working part time at Wal-Mart, and on food stamps, I was at the food stamp office and they asked me what my budget was and I told her "Exactly whatever the hell Wal-Mart feels like paying me that week".

I got my first check, for $197 net (out of $218), thats for two weeks worth of work, they didn't even take federal tax out cause the wages were so little, anyway, so now financially I'm bleeding out and all working at Wal-Mart has done is slow it down.

I'm in a Nurse's Aide training class to try and get back on my feet and gainfully employed again, and I misread my Saturday work hours and came in 5-1 instead of 4-9, so I got reamed about that yesterday and I told the manager that "Quite frankly, I'm soldiering my way through this while I take classes so I can make a career out of something, and that Wal-Mart is second priority.", he got really nasty with me and told me that I had a "bad attitude" and I told him "No, I think for once in my life I have my head on straight and I'm not going to let a minimum wage part time job derail me"

So now I'm going to have to get through another 2 months of this shit somehow.

In the mean time I have no health insurance and so my bipolar disorder is going untreated, I get manic, and then that subsides and I spend usually 2-3 hours each night crying at what a mess my life has become.

I've never taken rejection well and I was talking with this guy I met online for like a month, and we were supposed to meet up but I broke the news about my health status and he hung up on me and hasn't answered the phone the 3 times I tried calling him since, so I'm alone and sick with no health insurance and shitty wages, and my only friend in the world is my pet cat, I'm trying to make a future for myself but I really don't like the odds, I've been feeling downright suicidal lately, but the bitch is that I still have a self-preservation instinct that tells me not to.