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Author Topic: Someone I care about has HIV  (Read 9090 times)

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Offline Levi123456

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Someone I care about has HIV
« on: November 25, 2014, 02:58:12 pm »
I'm new to this forum, and I need advice and vent, as I have no one else to really vent to. It's a complicated situation.

I'm a 35 year old gay male, and recently met a guy. He is HIV+. He was dx back in February of this year, and said he has the deadliest strain. He's a really healthy looking guy. You would never know he had been sick (Just by looking at him). And I know, one can look healthy and have HIV.

Anyway.... not to get off-topic.... we started out as friends, and then we started playing around. No intercourse yet. Mostly French-kissing, rubbing and things of that nature. I really never thought it would become anything, but now I have feelings for him. He does for me as well.

I guess I have a few questions:
Are there any other ppl here who is with someone who has HIV?
Does practicing safe sex decrease chances of getting HIV with a partner who has it?
We French kiss allot. I mean for an hour or two straight. Can that cause HIV? From what I have read - no.
How do you cope? Just questions like these. I really have to watch myself, as I'm a nurse (NP).

I really like this guy, and I want to make it work. I don't see him as a HIV. I see him as a really nice guy. I have never been with anyone who has HIV, and I'm just curious about how couples cope, when one does have it. The safety for having sex, etc....

Thanks! L

PS- Let me ad, He is afraid to get involved with me somewhat, because he has told me he could die, or he doesn't want me to get HIV. We really care for each other. It's a very complicated situation for me.
« Last Edit: November 25, 2014, 03:07:32 pm by Levi123456 »

Offline zach

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Re: Someone I care about has HIV
« Reply #1 on: November 25, 2014, 03:31:05 pm »
deadliest strain? wtf is that?

is he in treatment? is his viral load undetectable? that alone virtually eliminates risk to you. plus condoms for anal sex. and consider PrEP for yourself.

AND FOR THE UPTENTH MILLION TIME IN 30 YEARS OF KNOWLEDGE, KISSING IS NOT A RISK... JUST NOT. please don't try to come back with parsed words, NO RISK

yes, there are some serodiscordant couples in here. if you like this guy, educate yourselves and make it work

and you're a nurse? you should know better

Offline Dan0

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Re: Someone I care about has HIV
« Reply #2 on: November 25, 2014, 03:41:25 pm »
Welcome -

Don't take this the wrong way, but after ten months he probably should be a bit more accepting of his status than "I could die".  We all could die!  I don't plan on going anywhere for a VERY long time, though - and neither should he.  The other comment on "the deadliest strain", is somewhat strange, too. This is probably not a typical response after ten months and becoming educated. Yes, there are different strains out there but pretty much one is just as deadly as the other unless you are on HAART.  HIV doesn't need to be quantified or exaggerated - it's pretty much "not good" from the get-go and to one-up yourself compared to others is just a bit odd (to me, at least, just to me!)

You're a nurse so let's start there.  Have you asked the questions that you should be asking? Is he under a doctor's care?  Is he on medication?  What is his viral load? 

There are all KINDS of serodiscordant relationships out there - and many, many successful and long lasting ones.  You just have to go into it together with as much education about the situation as possible. 

I'm going to guess that you have not done a lot of hard reading on the forum:

Are there any other ppl here who is with someone who has HIV?
Does practicing safe sex decrease chances of getting HIV with a partner who has it?
We French kiss allot. I mean for an hour or two straight. Can that cause HIV? From what I have read - no.


*yes, yes, no - btw*

Just going out on a limb but this is as good of place as any to start - for the both of you.  I'm just curious, in your profession do you come into contact with any HIV positive individuals?  I would think that diving into an education would not only help your personal life (and your partner) but would be a valuable addition to your career path. 
"Honey, you should never ask advice from a drunk drag queen who has a show to do." - JG

06/2002 DX
10/2006 Atripla UD
10/2013 Stribild Still UD
04/2016 Genvoya UD

Offline Levi123456

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Re: Someone I care about has HIV
« Reply #3 on: November 25, 2014, 03:48:10 pm »
deadliest strain? wtf is that?

is he in treatment? is his viral load undetectable? that alone virtually eliminates risk to you. plus condoms for anal sex. and consider PrEP for yourself.

AND FOR THE UPTENTH MILLION TIME IN 30 YEARS OF KNOWLEDGE, KISSING IS NOT A RISK... JUST NOT. please don't try to come back with parsed words, NO RISK

yes, there are some serodiscordant couples in here. if you like this guy, educate yourselves and make it work

and you're a nurse? you should know better

Hi there,

The MD told him he had a deadly strain, and he was really sick. Very sick, but he's doing better. No, he's not undetectable

As far as me being a nurse. Yes, I know all the s/s of HIV. Know all the meds, etc. However, studying a subject and being emotionally involved are two different things. Just because I'm a nurse doesn't exempt me from falling in love. Book sense is one thing. Emotionally involved  is another!



Offline Levi123456

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Re: Someone I care about has HIV
« Reply #4 on: November 25, 2014, 04:03:17 pm »
Welcome -

Don't take this the wrong way, but after ten months he probably should be a bit more accepting of his status than "I could die".  We all could die!  I don't plan on going anywhere for a VERY long time, though - and neither should he.  The other comment on "the deadliest strain", is somewhat strange, too. This is probably not a typical response after ten months and becoming educated. Yes, there are different strains out there but pretty much one is just as deadly as the other unless you are on HAART.  HIV doesn't need to be quantified or exaggerated - it's pretty much "not good" from the get-go and to one-up yourself compared to others is just a bit odd (to me, at least, just to me!)

You're a nurse so let's start there.  Have you asked the questions that you should be asking? Is he under a doctor's care?  Is he on medication?  What is his viral load? 

There are all KINDS of serodiscordant relationships out there - and many, many successful and long lasting ones.  You just have to go into it together with as much education about the situation as possible. 

I'm going to guess that you have not done a lot of hard reading on the forum:

Are there any other ppl here who is with someone who has HIV?
Does practicing safe sex decrease chances of getting HIV with a partner who has it?
We French kiss allot. I mean for an hour or two straight. Can that cause HIV? From what I have read - no.


*yes, yes, no - btw*

Just going out on a limb but this is as good of place as any to start - for the both of you.  I'm just curious, in your profession do you come into contact with any HIV positive individuals?  I would think that diving into an education would not only help your personal life (and your partner) but would be a valuable addition to your career path.


Hi there,

No, I don't come in contact with clients who have HIV often. I have had friends who are HIV +, but working with them -- no. I'm a psychiatric nurse NP. I'm not on the floor. I mostly deal with clients / patients who are bipolar, schizophrenic, etc. Not too many physical issues.

LOL, I think when most ppl think of nurse -- they think of working out on the hospital floor or ER. Not all of us do that.

No, I haven't got around to reading on the forum too much. I will.

What I have studied about HIV, is mostly s/s, dx and rx for it, medications, lab work, etc. Yes, that I know.

I think it's mostly finding someone I can relate to in this situation. Also how they take precaution to stay safe, etc.

Also -- He's afraid that I may get the HIV. Which I have explained to him, that you cannot get it by kissing. From what I have read, only one case, where it was contracted through kissing, and there was extreme bleeding in the mouth to- mouth kissing. I'm not worried about the kissing.

Everyone is different psychologically when it comes to HIV, and he's still somewhat depressed about it, and worries about it. In a way, you could say I'm his partner and therapist. I'm the ONLY one who will listen to his problems. Takes the time w/ him to listen.

There's more to the situation emotionally.

Thanks for your response.







Offline buginme2

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Re: Someone I care about has HIV
« Reply #5 on: November 25, 2014, 04:08:37 pm »
Hi there,

The MD told him he had a deadly strain, and he was really sick. Very sick, but he's doing better. No, he's not undetectable


Is that like the deadliest catch? 

His doctor is full of shit

Why isn't he undetectable?

Don't be fancy, just get dancey

Offline zach

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Re: Someone I care about has HIV
« Reply #6 on: November 25, 2014, 04:16:37 pm »
where do yall live? in this day and age, i simply don't buy that a responsible doctor would have said such a thing. untreated, hiv becomes aids, and yeah it's deadly. but treated, it is completely manageable and not deadly, he can expect to live a long healthy normal life. with a virus.

is he in treatment, meaning on meds? you sort of glossed that answer

google this "truvada as prep" and read up. consider this for yourself.

use condoms, every time

don't let hiv stop you from having a relationship with this guy

and really, emotional or not, look at the data objectively

my advice, go buy a box of condoms, screw all night... rinse, repeat



ps... please be legit, thats all i'm saying



Offline Levi123456

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Re: Someone I care about has HIV
« Reply #7 on: November 25, 2014, 04:30:53 pm »
Let me explain in more detail about his HIV. At first, the MD told him... that he had AIDS. Then he changed the dx to HIV. He was in terrible shape and very sick.He's better than what he was. He can't get stressed. He's very vulnerable to stress at the time. 

And I agree! I don't trust all MD's myself. I maybe part of the medical community, but that doesn't mean I fully trust what all MD's say. There's many good MD's and some don't care like they should, or not educated like they should be. I have questioned my bf allot about his HIV dx. I have talked to him hrs. on in, and have listened to him. Like I said-- I'm not only his bf, but his therapist as well. I have helped him allot. I spend time with him. etc. He hasn't had too many caring ppl within his life. I'm there for him.

I'm in NY btw.

Note: I believe this MD has caused him some emotional stress by his fickle diagnosing and he's not a very professional and compassionate MD. He has even been low on his medications, because of the quantity on his script being not enough to get through a few months. He gets 3 month scripts. (That's not a very responsible MD)




Offline zach

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Re: Someone I care about has HIV
« Reply #8 on: November 25, 2014, 04:37:01 pm »
As you should know, AIDS is only a set of criteria. CD4 count below 200 and the presence of an OI. What is his CD4 count? What is his viral load? Proceed from there, don't worry about the label, it really won't matter much moving forward.

By every definition, I have AIDS... I choose not to say that anymore. I am HIV+, and I take my meds.

New York has great resources, avail yourselves to them.

90 day refills is pretty good, I only get 30.
« Last Edit: November 25, 2014, 04:40:29 pm by zach »

Offline Dan0

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Re: Someone I care about has HIV
« Reply #9 on: November 25, 2014, 04:49:16 pm »
The MD told him he had a deadly strain, and he was really sick. Very sick, but he's doing better. No, he's not undetectable

Where did he find this MD and can he shop around for another one?  ALL STRAINS OF HIV ARE POTENTIALLY DEADLY IF UNTREATED. If he has coverage that allows for him to shop around, just based on what you're saying here, run....don't walk....to the next doctor. 

 It's not a crap shoot - there is a lot of tenacious work with adhering to your medication, getting to your appointments  - or even keeping them straight, navigating the obstacles of coverage.  You name it, it's a lot of work.  After a while, it becomes less so because I think that we get used to it.  When you say that you're also his 'therapist' I hope that doesn't equate to doing things FOR him as opposed to helping him do things for himself.  He needs to educate himself and not vicariously through you.  You can't do it all and eventually he's going to have to man-up and do the work.  It seems like he's mired in his diagnosis - and that's not healthy. Not healthy for you and not healthy for him.  After ten months, I'm hoping that you're day together  consists of much more than non-stop discussions about HIV and you talking to him for hours about it.  What he probably needs is a bonafide therapist and/or couselor. 

I get that you being a nurse, you may have an inclination to help, assist and empathize however you can.  Let someone else take that off your shoulders. 

Everyone deals differently but it seems that 10 months in shouldn't be like this.  What should it be like?  Hell if I know.  I was in Sturgis.  Things do get better but, again, it's work. 
"Honey, you should never ask advice from a drunk drag queen who has a show to do." - JG

06/2002 DX
10/2006 Atripla UD
10/2013 Stribild Still UD
04/2016 Genvoya UD

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Someone I care about has HIV
« Reply #10 on: November 25, 2014, 05:23:17 pm »
You are going to have to curb your emotional reaction and be scientific about this and use your nursing training.
Also, dial down the drama.
I agree with others, "deadliest strain"  come again?  ::)
He should be undetectable soon. If he is not, ask questions what is going wrong.
Do safe sex to avoid transmission.
This could be condoms. Or condoms and PREP if PREP is available. If you stick together and he is undetectable for awhile, there are more options, less protection.
If you dont want PREP and you do use condoms and he IS NOT undetectable, learn where you can get PEP if here is an accident.  You are a nurse you can figure that out.
« Last Edit: November 25, 2014, 05:34:46 pm by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline mecch

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Re: Someone I care about has HIV
« Reply #11 on: November 25, 2014, 05:31:55 pm »
Also unless you are a therapist, its a bit tacky to say you are his therapist. You love him, support him, that's enough to say.  You didn't ask but my take is be careful - whats in it for you?  New relationship and you got to be lover, supporter AND therapist, rolled into one?  hmmm.  Well, I get it but be careful.  Go see a therapist yourself to check up on your relationship.  Getting what you need?  Got to be a 2-way street with lots of good vibrations going both ways and lots of pleasure, surely at the beginning of a relation. Anyhooo, thats my 2 cents.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Levi123456

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Re: Someone I care about has HIV
« Reply #12 on: November 25, 2014, 05:44:13 pm »
As you should know, AIDS is only a set of criteria. CD4 count below 200 and the presence of an OI. What is his CD4 count? What is his viral load? Proceed from there, don't worry about the label, it really won't matter much moving forward.

By every definition, I have AIDS... I choose not to say that anymore. I am HIV+, and I take my meds.

New York has great resources, avail yourselves to them.

90 day refills is pretty good, I only get 30.

His CD4 count is 250. It was at 150 back in February. I can only tell you what he tells me.

I have not personally talked w/ his MD. I would love to see his medical records. Once he changes his insurance, where I can bill him... I can request his records. His MD isn't very helpful to him.

He's also on a few other meds besides the Atripla. He takes Trazodone, Prozac, and a BP medication. I'm going to have the Psych meds changed for him, because they're not working for his depression. I'm going to RX him something more effective for his depression.

He's on the highest dose of Atripla, and very worried when the quantity is low.


Offline Levi123456

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Re: Someone I care about has HIV
« Reply #13 on: November 25, 2014, 05:51:26 pm »
Also unless you are a therapist, its a bit tacky to say you are his therapist. You love him, support him, that's enough to say.  You didn't ask but my take is be careful - whats in it for you?  New relationship and you got to be lover, supporter AND therapist, rolled into one?  hmmm.  Well, I get it but be careful.  Go see a therapist yourself to check up on your relationship.  Getting what you need?  Got to be a 2-way street with lots of good vibrations going both ways and lots of pleasure, surely at the beginning of a relation. Anyhooo, thats my 2 cents.


Hi there,

As a psychiatric nurse, therapy goes with that. See, the problem is: He has never really had anyone to talk to. He's had a pretty bad life. (No drama) Just the truth.

It's like no one has ever took the time to listen to him, or give him allot of attention. He suffers with depression as well, and the HIV dx didn't help. He had depression before that, but not as intense.

How we met was through him needing advice and so on (Friendship). Then one thing led to another as the story goes. I got emotionally involved and it is what it is.

In short: I have never been involved with anyone w/ HIV, and I was just needing some advice further.

Thank you for your responses.

Offline zach

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Re: Someone I care about has HIV
« Reply #14 on: November 25, 2014, 05:55:43 pm »
atripla is a fixed dose, there is no "highest" dose. one pill, once a day.. thats it. your failure to understand that in ten months is alarming. and whatever you mean about you being able to do his billing, and requesting his records.

thats private stuff man, hippa and all that. but you know what that stuff is don't you?

if it's any consolation to you, my cd4 right now is 113

i'm gonna be honest here, some parts of your story just don't track right.

good luck, to both of you, i'm stepping back now. if i've been helpful, all the better. if i've offended, you wouldn't be the first.

edited to add, you seem to have posted while i was writing that... am i reading that correctly?! were you seeing this man as a patient in a professional capacity? and it became personal? tsk tsk

you can't be his lover and provide medical care (in any capacity) thats all sorts of conflicts of interest
« Last Edit: November 25, 2014, 05:58:58 pm by zach »

Offline mecch

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Re: Someone I care about has HIV
« Reply #15 on: November 25, 2014, 06:03:01 pm »
Im sorry but you shouldn't be in sexual relationship with someone you consider a patient.  Where are your boundaries.  I know its human things happen but you are talking about prescribing him psych meds!?  Something is way off here.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline zach

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Re: Someone I care about has HIV
« Reply #16 on: November 25, 2014, 06:10:49 pm »
somebody get jeff in here

Offline mecch

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Re: Someone I care about has HIV
« Reply #17 on: November 25, 2014, 06:11:23 pm »
I am not in health professions but my guess is you could be in trouble for such actions.   

Someone with problems such as you have described deserves more clarity and boundaries in his relations.  He may not know enough to ask for that but you should know enough to provide that.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Jeff G

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Re: Someone I care about has HIV
« Reply #18 on: November 25, 2014, 06:18:04 pm »
Welcome to the forum . You are saying things that do not add up … your partner did  not get infected with the deadliest strain if he was infected in North America … also I agree with the others that it is not ethical or wise to treat the person you are involved with .

I just have to be honest but fully admit I could be wrong, you sound more like a person thats here to amuse himself than a person who is here seeking support, please stick around and prove me wrong .

« Last Edit: November 26, 2014, 12:19:23 am by Jeff G »
HIV 101 - Basics
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You can read more about Transmission and Risks here:
HIV Transmission and Risks
You can read more about Testing here:
HIV Testing
You can read more about Treatment-as-Prevention (TasP) here:
HIV TasP
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You can read more about PEP and PrEP here
PEP and PrEP

Offline Jeff G

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Re: Someone I care about has HIV
« Reply #19 on: November 25, 2014, 06:22:21 pm »
somebody get jeff in here

I have had my say … if the op wants support he will eventually say something that indicates so , until that time if you or anyone else is not thrilled with this thread simply walk away and let it be . If the OP is for real he will stick around, if not he will get bored and go away, problem solved .
HIV 101 - Basics
HIV 101
You can read more about Transmission and Risks here:
HIV Transmission and Risks
You can read more about Testing here:
HIV Testing
You can read more about Treatment-as-Prevention (TasP) here:
HIV TasP
You can read more about HIV prevention here:
HIV prevention
You can read more about PEP and PrEP here
PEP and PrEP

Offline Levi123456

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Re: Someone I care about has HIV
« Reply #20 on: November 25, 2014, 07:25:45 pm »
Huh?

I'm not understanding the bashing *me* because I'm just asking if there's anyone else in a relationship with someone who has HIV.

I think you guys perception about me is way off, and it couldn't be anymore wrong!

My bf has HIV. And no he's not a current client of mine, but will be. Just because I'm a nurse doesn't mean I have no life! LOL how ridiculous of a misunderstanding!

Maybe in NY, we're just too liberal for everyone else. Idk and frankly, I'm not going to stick around a forum, where I'm getting bashed.

I just came here for a few answers, and the assumption I'm here for amusement is outrageous!

I can only tell you what my bf tells me about his visits, and what his faulty MD says. I don't go to the MD with him. I'm a NP, and he's going to be changed over to my care by me, and I'm going to start him with therapy and new prescriptions. (I have my own practice and licensed.That's when I request his medical records to KNOW exactly what him and his MD talks about. I can do that if he's my client. That's where you guys are misunderstanding. You act a if I'm having sex with a client / patient I currently treat!



As far as not having boundaries. He was my bf before client. So, I didn't step over any boundaries.


I'll not come back, if I'm going to get abuse over a few questions about my partner who is HIV+. This is ridiculous.

Thanks anyways....

*Try being more professional, instead of coercive and pressuring. And I was very serious about some support within my relationship. It's not healthy to treat ppl like this looking for support.



 


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