Just found out my dad didn't believe me...

[tigger2376]

My dad has just told me that he didn't (want 2,his excuse) believe that I'm positive. its taken 5 years for him to admit this and its ripping me apart. I started meds 3 months ago and its taken him seeing them and checking them out for him to accept what/who I am. Don't get me wrong, I undrsatand his denial and wish for something different BUT....he was talking to my mum, who he divorced 20 years ago about 'what happens when I need a hospice', how should I be 'dealt with' when I'm dead!!! I have no intention of dying before my 65 year old dad, I'm only 40, and just happen to be positive. My partner just wants to rip my dads head off...and so do I right now, any ideas guys?

[red_Dragon888]

calm down.  Just remember your Dad is your Dad and he has a right to his attitude and opinion. You  may not like it, hate it, want to turn it into a can an kick it, but still it is his nature.  Now you know how he really feels instead of how you wish he feels.  Would you not rather deal in reality than in fantasy.  Just saying.

[tigger2376]

Absolutely. its just when you think you've come to terms with living with Hiv, it just keeps kicking you in the (metaphorical) nuts. My mum left when I was 7. I lived with my dad, typical daddys girl. its hard. It fucking hurts. Sorry, try to be upbeat but jesus this has got to get easier one day

[Eldon]

Hey Tigger,

RED was absolutely correct in what he had said. In this situation, your dad is going through a major denial period in his life. For some it is easier to accept than others. You will need to just give him his space with his opinion and time along with it. He will eventually come around to the reality of the situation.

It is a true reality and it is unfortunate that your dad has taken this position with this. Do not love him less, love him more. My thoughts and my prayers are with you.


Happy Holidays!

[skeebo1969]

   I don't know the dynamics of your relationship with your father.   If his response is brought on by denial then it's not necessarily a bad thing.  I know having to start meds has brought it into reality for me...  I can only assume his seeing yours did so for him.   Cool off and wait a few days and let him know what's up.   

[Longislander]

I'm kinda surprised your mom told you about their conversation(if that's what happened). But I'd say Dad is only going by what society in general perceives of this illness, and went to your mom.

Give yourself a few days to calm down, and have a nice talk with Dad about what he wants YOU to do when he needs hospice! 

Paul

[aztecan]

Hey Tigg,
I know this hurts at the moment and I don't know the dynamics of your relationship with your dad, but it could be denial was his way of turning a blind eye to what he fears will happen to you.

Your dad may - or make that probably - doesn't understand a lot about HIV, treatments, etc. Many people base their entire knowledge on what they hear in the media, which is at best scanty, at worst fearmongering.

I remember my mom's worst fear was that she would outlive me and she told me she could not bear the thought that she might have to bury her first born.

She is better now, mainly because I sat her down and had a long chat about treatments, outlooks, etc.

Give yourself a few days to calm down and then consider having a heart-to-heart with dad. It may be he is more scared than your are.

HUGS,

Mark

[IzPoz]

Hi Tigger,

Your dad's reaction is normal, and his denial is just part of the phases he will go through before he begins to accept your HIV.  My mother went years without forgiving my husband, she hated him for it.  Because if it weren't for him, I wouldn't have it.  My dad asked me if I was going to leave my husband.

So, after a couple of years went by, they saw that I wasn't leaving my husband for something he didn't know about until he got sick.  My mom eventually forgave my husband and grew to love him.  My dad, well, dad was dad... he would come and visit, he eventually stopped asking me if I was leaving my husband.  My dad loved him as well.

Just give your father some time to accept this.  Help educate him, gently of course, about HIV and how you will be here for many years to come.  Be patient, it's not going to be easy, but it will be worth it in the long run.

[Queen Tokelove]

I can see how that would bother you but I have to agree with what everyone has said. I'm sorry your Dad is having a hard time dealing with it. Because he is not educated on HIV, it's like you said, he thinks you're not going to be around long. I don't think any parent wants to outlive their kids. Is he willing to talk about it?

[Life]

I guess what purpose does it serve for him to acknowledge your hiv or not??   Is it important to you? And for what reason?   As you have said, your going on about life...   I would let him move as "he moves" and he will slowly figure out all this, and how it "works" for us..... Its not worth at all having a resentment about a person who is in denial...  Its causing you more grief, stress than it is him I am afraid....  Just chill, love your Dad... He knows in his own way, and will become better educated as he feels comfortable in asking about it....   Meanwhile, don't rip your Dad's head off anytime soon..  Go out and buy him a nice Christmas present say "one of those gianst inflatable Dancing Sustiva Snowman at Lowes"?

Love..

[tigger2376]

I so appreciate the support. trouble is, this is not an uneducated man in this arena. One of his best friends died of AIDS 3 years ago. I know i'm maybe being unfair to him, he's scared for me but I've been scared too. My mum told me because she thought I ought to know so I wasn't ambushed. She and I can share black humour about it, possibly because she wasn't so close to me growing up. i'm going to leave it be, whether thats cowardice or sensible not quite sure but if he asks me directly at least I'm forewarned. again, thanks, can't tell you how much it helped
May whichever holiday you choose to celebrate bring you peace and joy xxxx

[tigger2376]

BUT. changed my profile because of this. I love my dad but he has to love me too, for all that I am. Loved the gift idea but already got him an IPOD. Am downloading appropriate songs, some sad, some just damn sick humour and some happy, he always did hate my taste in music anyway!!! Again, can't say how much you helped, I was going to have to ask for some patienceand a sense of humour for Xmas!

[Oceanbeach]

My mom died on Christmas Eve, I was an adult living about 5 miles away from my parents house.  I stopped at a convenience market on the way to a family Christmas for some smokes.  the clerk at the market said, "sorry for your loss."  I was not aware I had lost anything and was apparently the last to hear.

When I arrived at my parents house, the drive had cars from Aunts, Uncles, Cousins and family from all over California.  They had all been instructed not to call me and no one bothered to call from a cell phone, a neighbors house or even a public telephone.  I was denied the opportunity to see my mom before she died and heard about it on the streets the next day.

When my dad died, they offered to buy me a flight to San Francisco so I could say farewell to dad.  I did not accept that flight and don't care where the SOB is buried.  He remarried 3 days after the funeral of my mom and left everything to his new wife.

I get a holiday depression every year starting at Thanksgiving which lasts through Christmas.  I did put up a tree one year which I tossed out the window, after stomping most of the decorations into the carpet.  There is a thought I keep in my mind to help get through family related issues.  "Someone has to put the FUN in dysfunctional."  Have the best day
Michael

[ACinKC]

The flip side is... at least he is talking about helping you out at your worst possible time in life!  Just the "half full" guy in me I guess!!!

He cares and thats a good thing. How he shows it you cant control.  How you respond to it you CAN control.

[Oceanbeach]

Dear Tigger,

It is so hard to come to terms with our illness.  It has to be even more difficult for a woman.  I read something simple and fun once which may help...
Ginger Rodgers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she was going backward and wearing highheels.  Have the best day
Michael

[Boo Radley]

Unfortunately we can't select our parents so you gotta take them as they are.  My late mother was too absorbed by her own misery to acknowledge my status.  My 87 year old father has never asked me about my pet virus directly although I disclosed to him many years ago (since he lives in California and I live in Louisiana I cut him a little slack.  Besides, he's never even been able to discuss my sexual orientation so the HIV thing ain't that big a surprise).

At least your father is telling you his truth and not what he thinks you want to hear.  Let some time pass before you talk to him again and try to make incremental improvements.  I'm unaware of your exact situation (e.g., do you live with him?  do you live in the same area? is he someone you see often?, etc.) so can't offer much more than generic advice.  As others have said don't let his stance negatively affect you, or minimize the effect as much as possible.  Constant stress is not your friend!

Good luck!

Boo