Back from "self-imposed" purgatory

[Amosboy]

I have gotten myself a little rest and I am back from the realm of self-imposed purgatory.  Sometimes I need a chance to retreat and deal with the duplicity that seems to be ever present in my life.  I did have a few recent detours that have proven to be a good lesson in self exploration and self acceptance (hopefully).  Trust me, the details aren't really worth even a glance in the rearview mirror.  All that matters is that I am moving forward and stepping out of place where I tend to be so completely critical of my human "not so perfect" behavior.

I did have a recent "blipp" in my VL, though nothing that I am too worried about now, especially since I have only been on this "new medicine" for about four months.  Even this 21 year veteran gets his cage rattled every now and then.  After coasting through the sublime "undectable clouds" for nearly ten years, I decided to show out a little bit at VL 1540...pathetic to even complain about it, given how many others have seen spikes much greater than mine.  I guess it's all relative to your own experience.  It just goes to show you that you should not get too comfortable with anything because, as a new (and dear) friend recently pointed out to me, life is about change.  To not change is to be dead...though I don't think he put it quite that way.  My CD4 count was still decent at 430.  I didn't have much of a pity party, and I certainly don't invite guests!

My partner of 10 years, David (who is HIV negative), just had to have emergency surgery on his right elbow because of a horrible staph infection in his elbow that was spreading rapidly up and down his arm.  NOT MRSA thank sweet Jesus!  His decline was rapid and after running a relatively high temperature of 102.7 for about two days, I made him go in to see a doctore, hence the blood cultures, diagnosis and emergency surgery.  I've been playing the cute candy striper role, but I am quickly turning into an evil Nurse Ratchet  .  I play caregiver quite well, probably better suited for that role since I obviously don't know how to ask for help when I need it.  Oh well, life is about change and learning, right?

Surgery went well and I have been helping him sponge bathe and keeping him comfortable a la Lortab.  Those pills work wonders on complaining patients  .  I think that his immediate need for nurturing back to health just sort of busted me right out of my own little cage of expectation, disappointment, and selfish need for attention.  I was seriously working some "pay attention to me" mojo around here while I continued to expose more and more of my flesh around here. 

Pretty funny, huh?  Maybe, I was having some crazy "just turned 40 and I need to still feel like I'm attractive" bullshit!  Oh well, I am trying integrate that little duplicitous whore into my complete self.  I'm still trying to find my comfort level on that front.  When does it become too much?  When have I crossed a line in myself and feel like I've done something wrong?  Believe me, I am, by no means, in an open relationship.  I think after ten years I just tend to push my own limits sometimes.  I think I am learning that it's OK to have some things that are just for me. 

Yeah...I'm still in it for the intimacy, but I think I have a hard time dealing with my own intensity sometimes.  I think it all stems from wanting to be accepted from so many years back, even before I even knew why I felt different.  I knew there were things that I felt that were different than most boys my age....HELL....most people.  It was sort of like trying to fit in with people and not quite getting them to hold your hands firmly.  The whole HIV experience at 19 was yet another reason to feel different and back then...forget IT! 

Honestly, I don't even think the HIV thing has really anything to do with it.  In my utopia, people are running through fields of flowers and jumping up and bursting with energy, laughing and crying both just as effortlessly.  Those of you who know this to be true, I apologize for not waving my freak flag sooner.  This is about calling out your best strengths, which could potentially be something that might alienate you further from the rest of the socially acceptable norms.  I want to have "real time" with "real people"...and be able to be a little teasing, flirt ho-bag at the same time.  All the while, hoping that people won't just shake their heads and go..."That guy is fucking nuts....run, run...take cover".

You know what?  On some levels, it's so empowering to just go ahead and call your own imperfections out on the table.  This way people know exactly what they are in for.

I should have done this much sooner.  I feel better.  I feel stronger in my own willingness to really be myself...to not just be another 2-D smile on the screen.  It's never too late to reclaim your humanity, however many layers it's been buried beneath, through years of trying to please, of trying to fit in, of trying to capture the world's fleeting attention. 

And just for the record, I still like to get naked in front of strangers on ocassion and I still believe kissing is so underrated 

Brooks

PS  I will not be editing, spell checking, or otherwise altering my posts anymore...just because I may have experienced a change of heart or state of mind.  If I am writing it now...then it obviously means something to me right now...that's enough of a reason to let it stay.  After all, like I said earlier, "Life is about change.  To not change is to be dead".  It's unrealistic and unhealthy to try to hold on to one particular place in your heart and mind forever.

EDITED TO SAY:  I lied...I just re-read this and had to fix a few typos    What I meant to say earlier is that I won't be taking any of my pictures off of here anymore or completely deleting my posts.  It does sort of screws up the "flow" of things in a thread.  Plus, I'm willing to stand by (or at least) offer some sort of crazy explanation of why I initially said something in a post if asked nicely 

[David_CA]

I was wondering what happened to you.  I hope your VL straightens out and your partner's elbow heals nicely.  That infection sounded really nasty.

As to being in an open relationship, there are degrees of openness.  Our openness comes from being able to tell the other what we want to do and from being secure enough to allow each other to do these things.  Generally, we do them together with others, but ... you get the idea. 

Feel free to get naked in front of me anytime you like!     I'll continue to spell check and edit my post, at least for 48 hours, as this dyslexia screws with me sometimes when I type or write.

In any event, it's good to have you back.

David

[Queen Tokelove]

Brooks~~

It's good to hear from you, I was getting worried. I'm glad to see you are feeling better.

[Strayboy74]

Thank you for coming back.

You should never exile yourself to the realm of self-imposed purgatory.  Enjoy your life...   Save the self-torture bullshit until you're dead.  After all, you're gonna suffer a long time in hell after its over anyway!  LOL  (Said as though I really have any room to talk.)

And remember:  you are responsible only for the effort - not the outcome.  Don't own responsibility for others!   You'll just be the product of misery.

I can't wait to meet you in person.

-joseph

[Moffie65]

Loved your post and thanks so very much.

I gotta say that it is very refreshing to see someone who has lived this life for 21 years, come to the "FORTY CYCLE".   So much of what you have so very skillfully placed here is attributable to the forty cycle and nothing more.  Thank the good Lord that you understand your own body/trip/circumstances that you are thinking your way through. 

All I can say is welcome back Brooks, and welcome to the rest of your very interesting life!

Love.
(who chuckled more than once while reading of the forty cycle blues)

[dtwpuck]

Thanks for posting this.  It was a joy to read your honest thoughts.  Isn't it a relief when you confront your demons, give them names and learn to accept them?  I think it is.  It sounds like you've learned the same thing. 

Your partner David is a very lucky man.  I hope he continues to heal.

It very much helps me to read this.  I am going through my own crisis right now, and realizing some of the things I just don't like about myself.  My big forty is coming this year too and I am really feeling like I haven't accomplished much of anything these days.  I started off by saying "thanks for posting"... I really mean it.  It is a relief to see this type of honest self evaluation.   

[Andy Velez]

It's good to hear from you again, Amos. And to read you telling the truth.

Happy at least 40 more birthdays and good wishes for your partner's arm to heal so he can wrap it around you.

Cheers,

[Ann]

Wow Brooks, thank you. I also enjoyed reading your post very much. Let your freak flag fly anytime! There's a few of those on the flagpoles around here, so welcome to the club.

I've been playing the cute candy striper role, but I am quickly turning into an evil Nurse Ratchet.

I can relate to that! But you've gotta tell me, do you have the uniforms to go along with the roles and if you do, where can I get some?

Happy birthdays to you and healing thoughts to your partner.

Hugs,
Ann
xxx

[poet]

Hey Brooks, another great post of yours!  I came back post dog walk so I could read it again without interruptions.  From my perspective at over 50, meaning 10 years after turning 40, I've been lucky to be in the arts where stretching ourselves, crossing lines, pushing limits is how we grow in whatever artform we work.  Back in the 1980's it meant forcing myself to be in Times Square, especially if and when I didn't feel quite safe, not only sexually, but physically.  Or, being curious about escorts, hiring one so I could observe him and thereby 'get' his perspective (luckily he, too, is in the arts), then, not quite satisfied even after socialising with them, testing the waters once myself.  I don't think that any of us can know when we have reached the edge, reached the point for which we are not quite ready, unless we get just about there, close enough to look down at the drop.  I don't think that anyone in the arts is satisfied with his or her work unless we see growth through it, and why would this be any different with someone else?  If someone in the arts needs someone else to say, 'hey, this is good,' why would it be any different from someone needing someone to say, 'hey, you are hot.'  Best, Win

[tigger2376]

Wish I could put it into words so well. Thanks,it was a pleasure to read your post.

[Buckmark]

Brook,

I'm glad to see that you are back.  We all need to take a break from time to time.
Just don't be too hard on yourself -- we're all freaks in one way or another.

Cheers,

Henry

[mjmel]

Hello Brooks. Great smile you have!

[Longislander]

Welcome back you handsome stud! I'm glad you've taken some time out for reflection, but next time make it shorter!

I hope the BF heals quickly so you can get out of that nurses uniform!

[AlanBama]

Hi Brooks,

I'm glad you're back honey!   Hope your partner's recovery is a speedy one!

hugs,
Alan

PS - I am enjoying my CD's more than you can imagine!

[Catman]

Oops. I'm pretty late on this thread but I did notice your absence in the past weeks. I'm glad your back with us and to me you DO celebrate life with all those pics you have posted before sharing that body! My vl just blipped also but I forget about it and do something whorthwhile like visiting xtube!
I hope your partner gets well fast. Take care.

[ACinKC]

Glad your back Amos.  Your insightful posts and sincerety are a pleasure to read.

[david25luvit]

Welcome back ........hope your bf gets better.  That does sound nasty.
Don't forget to be your own caregiver....Sometimes we forget about ourselves
when our partners are ill or injured....

Sending you lots of {{{{{GOOD VIBES }}}}}}}   

[Esquare]

Its good to see you back Brooks. As usual, your post was well worth reading.