Dating. What a struggle.

[Emmig]

Hey you all!

wanted to share some thoughts with people who are in my same situation. So I met this amazing guy, and i am serious when I say it, it's hard to find the good ones out there now a days ( in my experience at least ). Anyway long story short, we know each other for over 3 years and around two months ago we started to "date". Since the beginning I was honest and told him I'm positive and on medication for two and a half years. He's been nothing but sweet and understandable. We don't live in the same country but two hours away from each other ( not sure this is important) but anyway. I am a feeling frustrated at the moment because he's still afraid of having sex with me, obviously all safe!, but still afraid and it hurts so much that someone you care and feel attracted to has that fear towards you  . What hurts the most is that I really really really like him and I know he's having sex with someone else but he can't make love with me ( cheesy but that's what I want, I want to make love ).

Anyone going through something similar or dating someone who's negative but more open? Is so, what recommendations would you give me?

I told him I will give him time and be patient. I want him to be ready and trust me but I don't know how long I will be able to continue like this.

Thanks and best.

Emmi

[Jim Allen]

Hi

To be honest if it was me I would move on.

As you said you can't make him love you and that is very true. Also look he is sleeping with other people so his fear is not that great that it stops him from having sex with people who "might" be HIV positive and/or have other STI's.

I know it really hurts and letting go is hard really hard, but that is what i would do because i feel if it was me that would be the best in the long run. I also guess my post is perhaps not what you wanted to hear but it is what I believe and know I would do and have done.

Whatever happens and whatever you decide to do, i do wish you all the best and hope that 2017 brings you more happiness. 

Jim

[Emmig]

Hi Jim,

Thanks for the reply. You know I have thought about that a lot to be honest, to let him go and I have also thought about not giving up so easily.
There are many people who are afraid of someone who is poz and still stigmatize the sickness.

You might be right and I appreciate your advice. I will def think more seriously about what to do and if I have to let him go well let that be it.

Wishing you also the best for 2017 and happy holidays.

I hope this frustration I feel goes away soon. It's just so hard to date and be honest with guys. The poz I have met are so fucked up ( drugs, sex parties ) urghhh it makes me sick.

Sometimes I feel I would never find someone who I can seek for a future.

Anyway. Thanks again

All the best,

Emmi

[Jim Allen]

Thanks.

I am sure you know what is right for you and will find happiness, just keep trying.

I hope this frustration I feel goes away soon. It's just so hard to date and be honest with guys. The poz I have met are so fucked up ( drugs, sex parties ) urghhh it makes me sick.

So .... I will reply before someone else does I get from that people engaged in drugs and sex parties is not your thing, and that is your prerogative. I try to stay sober so stay away from people who drink that said I would not call them or anyone fucked up .... Look I get what you mean its a personal thing of who you would or would not date.  To be honest I know plenty of negative and positive people who engage in drugs and sex parties but some of them I know think that my life is fucked up, going to work, being sober and having 2 kids.

We are all different. 

Jim

[Emmig]

I get your point of view, however, the people I have met ( bad luck you could say ), have been really messed up  . It isn't my scene indeeed.

But like you said we are all different, it's true. So better avoid that scene.

[Emmig]

Thanks.

I am sure you know what is right for you and will find happiness, just keep trying.

So .... I will reply before someone else does I get from that people engaged in drugs and sex parties is not your thing, and that is your prerogative. I try to stay sober so stay away from people who drink that said I would not call them or anyone fucked up .... Look I get what you mean its a personal thing of who you would or would not date.  To be honest I know plenty of negative and positive people who engage in drugs and sex parties but some of them I know think that my life is fucked up, going to work, being sober and having 2 kids.

We are all different. 

Jim

To be honest I know plenty of negative and positive people who engage in drugs and sex parties but some of them I know think that my life is fucked up, going to work, being sober and having 2 kids.

Whoever think this is fucked up must have mental issues  . I think it's beautiful! Well done for you Jim!

Best.

[Lightfighter]

I couldn't imagine the struggles of trying to date in today's world.  My wife stood by me when I was diagnosed in April, she remains negative.  I'm fortunate in that sense.  We're doing great and I'm undetectable, so the only time we think about it is at dinner when I take my pill.

I wish you luck.  I agree with Jim, you're probably better off moving on. That guy seems like a flake.  He wants to have his fun with presumably negative partners because it's "safer."  I get it.  He's scared.  You deserve better to be treated with more respect.

[CallMeSid]

Hi, Emmig.

I thought I'd add my thoughts to this thread.  Maybe something I write will be useful, but I might miss the mark completely (and if I do, I apologize).

It sounds like you are "dating" a guy who lives 2 hours away, in a different country.  He knows you're HIV+ and on meds but you two have not had sex and you know that he is sexually active with others. 

Are you ASSUMING that he's not having sex with you because you are poz?  Or do you know for a fact that's why you guys haven't gotten sexual?  As an uninformed outsider here I'm wondering if it's possible that there are other reasons -- e.g. maybe he doesn't want to get too serious with somebody living so far away?  maybe his sexual activity with others fulfills his needs in that arena and he's sort of put you in the "friendzone"?

When I'm dating somebody, I like to let him TELL ME why he's doing/not doing something rather than assuming I know his reasons.  If I were in your shoes, I'd tell him, at the appropraite time, on the next date that while I want to have sex with him I'm sensing he's reluctant to go there and is that the case?  Assuming he say, "YES", I'd ask him why and encourage him to be honest in his response.  Even if his concerns about HIV underly his behavior, he may not feel comfortable saying so.  But if he does admit to concerns about possible infection, etc., have you thought about how you would attempt to ease his concerns?  A litany of facts about safe sex, undetectable status, "there are meds you can take" while all TRUE may not serve to ease his mind and get him into your bedroom.  But regardless of the outcome of the conversation, you can rest assured that you directly addressed the issue and gave him the opportunity to tell you how he felt.

Wishing you the best.  Let us know how it turns out.

[mecch]

OP, you have provided all info, you have communicated openly, and you present no risk.  IMO, if he can't manage, sadly you must move on. 

[harleymc]

Maybe next time you set your target make sure they are not 'having sex with someone else but he can't make love with me.'

Sorry, he's spoken for. You have to find your own man.

[StevenDouglas]

I agree with Jim as everyone has their own "eccentricities" and though I don't participate in drug fueled sexcapades....or go to the bars....frequent bathhouses....anymore that is....although during my mid 20's and some of my 30's when I wasn't in a relationship I experienced a lot of life through those types of interesting choices.  There comes a time when we realize its time to grow up and have a come to Jesus meeting with ourselves knowing we are now over 40 and getting older but NOT everyone reaches that time in life if ever ;-)

I've realized for myself at 46... and being in 3 LTR's since I was 24 totalling 18 years..losing my first two partners Denis in 1998 and Montgomery in 2002 and ending my last relationship of 10 years...is that a large majority of gay men whether poz or neg are using drugs..i.e. Meth..they're alcoholics...there're sex addicts meaning they could never be monogamous...or they're all the above ;-(

I maintain a positive attitude regardless....I am not dating at this time as I'm more focused on my health...I've been poz 22 years now and have not been on meds...I play softball in the San Antonio Softball League...I own my 1929 Bungalow here in downtown San Antonio...so I stay busy renovating as I'm blessed to be the caretaker of this beautiful almost 90 yr old piece of history I know I'm only 46 and some may still consider that young...however I've been single now almost 4 yrs by choice so as to find myself and now it seems I'm comfortable in my life staying single and enjoying my home...my time...my life here with my boi Migo (chihuahua)...I haven't totally ruled out meeting a great guy but I'm a realist and the odds of a guy my age meeting a monogamy oriented drug free easy on the alcohol kind of guy are dwindling by each year that passes...but hey it's cool cuz I really do enjoy my life

[Emmig]

Hello everybody,

Many thanks for your responses, they have helped me think about the whole situation for many days.

Yes, he doesn't want to have sex with me because I'm poz. He says he knows science has proven when you're on your meds and are undetectable you have extremely little risk however his "rational" can't cope with that. 

For as much as I like him and I have strong feelings for him maybe the best is to let him go. Give him time to think about it on his own.

We had a beautiful Xmas time together and that memory will stay with me. 

Happy holidays to you all.

Emmig

[Jim Allen]

Emmig

Sorry to hear that but yeah look if he wants to be ignorant and/or can't move past his fear than it looks like there is no future with him.

Truly sorry for you and I do hope 2017 is a better year for you and I hope you meet someone new who does not have such irrational concerns and is kind and loving to be with.

Jim

[Emmig]

Emmig

Sorry to hear that but yeah look if he wants to be ignorant and/or can't move past his fear than it looks like there is no future with him.

Truly sorry for you and I do hope 2017 is a better year for you and I hope you meet someone new who does not have such irrational concerns and is kind and loving to be with.

Jim

Thanks a lot Jim. I also hope 2017 to be a better year for me in terms of finding the right person. Right now I am finishing 2016 heart broken.

Best for you and your family.

[Jim Allen]

Thanks 

Right now I am finishing 2016 heart broken.

Well that makes 2 of us unfortunately.
Anyhow all we can do is move forward.

Jim

[Emmig]

Thanks 

Well that makes 2 of us unfortunately.
Anyhow all we can do is move forward.

Jim

2 is better than one . It is easy to say but time and patience will definetly help.

Greets from Budapest