The Mirror Crack'd

[gonzo]

 or perhaps it was me, the me I was, or the me I have become.
 I've wasted so much time doing nothing with my life because I felt why bother since I'm going to die from HIV anyway, I've just existed not lived all these years, and now I'm full of so many regrets, and guilt too, for having outlived my 2 best friends who succumbed many years earlier.
I know I should be grateful to be alive, I just can't seem to find any joy in anything anymore...
I just felt the need to vent, sorry people.

[Jeff G]

Thanks for sharing . I understand every thing you wrote and have my days when I feel the same .

I sometime worry that some of the things I have done or haven't done isn't worthy of the people and friends that have passed , I think its called survivors guilt . I managed to live though some of my old destructive ways that came from believing it didn't matter because I was going to die any way . I can identify very well on all these things you are feeling and then I come here and vent also . 

I'm hoping you feel better soon or get some counseling and evaluation for depression , that's what I had to do to get better . I still feel the way you do some days but now those times or just a day or a moment instead of months on end . 

[OneTampa]

Gonzo,

I also understand what you have written.  Although everyday I miss family and friends who have passed on, I do at turns have boulder drops of weighted sorrow.  In my case, I wish my departed family and friends were physically here with me through the good and bad and see that I have not only lived but achieved many of the things we talked about. I take comfort in knowing they would be pleased that am surviving and I feel their spirits hugging me.

I am sending a virtual {{{{hug}}}} to you.

Take care of yourself.

[mecch]

or perhaps it was me, the me I was, or the me I have become.
 I've wasted so much time doing nothing with my life because I felt why bother since I'm going to die from HIV anyway, I've just existed not lived all these years, and now I'm full of so many regrets, and guilt too, for having outlived my 2 best friends who succumbed many years earlier.
I know I should be grateful to be alive, I just can't seem to find any joy in anything anymore...
I just felt the need to vent, sorry people.

HAART has been around many years. The news that we are not dying is a good 10 years old.  What have you done in recent years to adjust your attitude about loss, and your beliefs about living with HIV?  Has it been status quo dark thoughts for years?  Any mental health treatment? Have you been screened for depression?  Is this about quality of health - are you quite sick year after year?  Is this more an emotional challenge?'