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I couldn't have timed this better -- how I broke to news to my date

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CalvinC:
Thanks for the posts. Very sobering. And true. I need to get a grip.

I suppose that for me, never having had a single (physical) issue with my status, I somehow expect other people to think exactly the same, ie, No problemo. And that's naive. Yet at the same time, knowing what U=U etc means should help people with their stigma -- but I guess it doesn't.

There are a number of issues playing out here, for me, that have (I realize) nothing to do with this guy (though his hot and cold approach and his inconsistencies cuase me grief). In many ways, I've overblown all this and need to slow/calm down. After all these years of living, I should know better. But maybe it is that those old wounds -- from loving, from finding one's place in this large world -- still haven't healed.

I'll try to keep trying, and do better.

Jim Allen:

--- Quote from: CalvinC on May 27, 2024, 07:12:29 pm ---Thanks for the posts. Very sobering. And true. I need to get a grip.

I suppose that for me, never having had a single (physical) issue with my status, I somehow expect other people to think exactly the same, ie, No problemo. And that's naive. Yet at the same time, knowing what U=U etc means should help people with their stigma -- but I guess it doesn't.

There are a number of issues playing out here, for me, that have (I realize) nothing to do with this guy (though his hot and cold approach and his inconsistencies cuase me grief). In many ways, I've overblown all this and need to slow/calm down. After all these years of living, I should know better. But maybe it is that those old wounds -- from loving, from finding one's place in this large world -- still haven't healed.

I'll try to keep trying, and do better.

--- End quote ---

U=U is an empty and ill-conceived slogan without caring about combating real improvements or stigma in a meaningful way, IMO.  There I said it, and as unpopular as this may sound (most likely does) I stand by it, U=U is about as miserable as "clean" in my books and makes me want to vomit.

Anyhow, getting back to your situation, I am sorry things haven't worked out. Reading back the multiple threads I don't think HIV was or is the key issue, and I am sorry you got hurt. 

Hugs, and we're always here for you but if you want to chat one-on-one send me a PM. My door is always open for you.

 

leatherman:

--- Quote from: CalvinC on May 27, 2024, 07:12:29 pm ---I somehow expect other people to think exactly the same, ie, No problemo. And that's naive. Yet at the same time, knowing what U=U etc means should help people with their stigma -- but I guess it doesn't.

--- End quote ---
people only really think about a concept until it affects them.

Look over in the AII? section. All those people had "sex" (it's in quotes because some of their stories just don't even count as sex. it's sad but not the issue for now. LOL) THEN after sex they come running here to learn about PEP, PrEP, and possible risks. Now they're really thinking about HIV for the first time and freaking out.

Or consider the people in the just tested poz forum. Not to negate their issues or devalue the time we happily spend trying to support those people, but sometimes those people freak out for a long time as they get used to being +, taking meds daily, and actually thinking about their entire health status.

the blunt truth is that HIV has only affected a teeny tiny portion of the population (africa aside). Even amongst high risk groups like MSM or injection drug users, the vast majority of people just don't have HIV....and they simply rarely if ever think about HIV and the ramifications.

I must say I never think what being diagnosed with cancer might be like. I don't have it and neither has any of my family. But the day my mom, or me!!!, gets it, you can be sure I'll be thinking about it then..... and freaking out about it. ;)

CalvinC:
Thanks Jim, kind thoughts.

I'm interested, though, in what else you wrote:
--- Quote ---"U=U is an empty and ill-conceived slogan without caring about combating real improvements or stigma in a meaningful way, IMO.  There I said it, and as unpopular as this may sound (most likely does) I stand by it, U=U is about as miserable as "clean" in my books and makes me want to vomit."
--- End quote ---

I get what you're saying, though I'm also thinking that you might be referring to its emptiness as non-poz people might experience understanding it. Is that right? I know that for me, when I first heard it, which was only a few months ago (believe it or not), I thought it was wonderful.

Leatherman, I like what you say about people not thinking about it until it affects them. That really helps with my perspective. As an illustration of hiv causing people to think, the guy I was seeing when I tested poz (as I've discussed in other posts here) freaked out when I told him -- BUT he was also the chair of one of the local minority (ie, non-white) gay AIDS/HIV organizations. You'd think that there couldn't have been a person more understanding. But nope. It got very personal for him, I guess, and very real.

As for the guy I'm seeing now, I'm pretty sure I'm the first guy he's dated, since before he moved to Canada he was dating women. So not only is he navigating something new, he's also now had to take into account my status. (I have to say, it's going well. And I'm calming down too.)

Jim Allen:

--- Quote ---I get what you're saying, though I'm also thinking that you might be referring to its emptiness as non-poz people might experience understanding it. Is that right?
--- End quote ---

Yes & No.

To keep it short, it's simply re-marketing something already known, I would not mind as much if it helped educate/change something but in the scheme of things, it doesn't, it is shallow and can also make things worse and worse yet it uses "undetectable" which is a terrible, outdated & confusing term for many to start with and this doesn't help matters. I could go more into details but feel that's a topic for a separate thread.

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