I am anxiety filled and in ruin

[felDoom]

I have not tested positive yet and am going in for a test on Thursday morning, but I feel like I am going to test positive after a very stupid, and very drunk decision to meet up with someone on Grindr after breaking up with my ex girl.

I can't recall how long ago the encounter was, but it was high risk and maybe ~a month ago I think, and I wish I could turn back the clock on my dumb mistake. I was only experimenting, and ultimately decided that men weren't for me (for the most part).

Flashback to a week ago where I came down with flu-like symptoms. People have been sick around me but I can't recall their symptoms. Well, along the way I googled my symptoms and there was HIV Flu listed. I have been in a panic ever since, and the only way I find solace is by taking a Xanax to pass out or smoking weed off my pen.

I have tried distracting myself through other means: Youtube, Netflix, Hulu, gaming, but I am terrified of getting the positive result and it being a deadly strain of HIV. I am absolutely terrified of not being able to get treatment. The financial ruin in my mind is enough, but finding out normal means won't stop this and I'll die in years maybe months time?

I am spiraling, and everything is doom and gloom right now. I know, I can't diagnose HIV by symptoms, but everything is sadly connecting, and I think I've screwed myself. I can't believe I've done this to my mom..to my family...

If I come back positive what am I going to do? I won't be able to afford meds and I don't even know if anyone around me can help me with this diagnosis. I hope and pray I come back negative through some miracle, though I doubt it. If I do come back positive, I hope and pray it's treatable and I'll live and figure out a way to get my meds. I will not waste my second chance.

I hope this doesn't violate anything, I just needed to put this somewhere because I feel crazy and feel as if I'm going to die. And it's all my fault.

Please be gentle, and I will adhere to any rules that I may have broken in this post. I am just spiraling and can't understand why I have to wait to get HIV tested when I feel like a ticking time bomb. Thanks for reading, and I hope for some goodness.

Lesson learned in an unfortunate way of discovering myself, I was reckless. I pray I have a second chance. I pray.

[leatherman]

I can't recall how long ago the encounter was, but it was high risk and maybe ~a month ago I think, and I wish I could turn back the clock on my dumb mistake. I was only experimenting, and ultimately decided that men weren't for me (for the most part).

What was your risk? Did you have unprotected sex or share injection needles?

Your symptoms mean nothing towards assessing your risk. Many people don't experience any early symptoms. Covid, flu, STIs and other diseases may have similar "symptoms" and are much easier to be infected with. If you had unprotected sex, testing is the only way to know for sure.

I pray.

prayer won't change anything. You need to change your actions and always use condoms to prevent HIV.


Have a great day,
Michael

Reducing Your HIV risks:
With no exceptions, use condoms correctly and consistently for anal or vaginal intercourse
Talk to a healthcare provider about PrEP as another layer of protection

Get tested yearly for HIV and other STIs.
If you don’t use condoms and/or PrEP, test more frequently

Some sexual practices described as safe in terms of acquiring HIV still pose a risk for other more easily acquired STIs. It is possible to show no signs or symptoms from an STI so testing is the only way to know.

Get tested at least yearly for STIs, including but not limited to HIV, and more frequently if condomless intercourse occurs.

What’s the ONLY way to know if you’ve been infected by HIV or an STI?
Get tested.


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[felDoom]

Thanks for responding. I stupidly had unprotected anal sex. I was the top. There was no thrusting involved really, I couldn't exactly get it in, but there was a point where I went in and then popped out. I know even that is a risk for HIV.

For the most part, it was oral.

I know. Young and really really dumb. I shouldn't have done that.

[Jim Allen]

Hiya,

I am terrified of getting the positive result and it being a deadly strain of HIV.

If you have HIV, it definitely is a deadly strain, as all of them are deadly. However, with treatment, people living with HIV can live long, healthy lives.


I am sorry to hear that you have felt unwell, the relationship with your GF ended and that you are stressing about the Grindr hookup.

I am not sure if, during the relationship with your ex-GF, there was any condomless sex, however, that would also have been a risk to you, and I am mentioning this so that you are aware should you get back into a relationship.

Anyhow, to confirm your HIV status, test at six weeks post your last potential exposure with a blood-draw (lab) HIV antibody test. The result at this time will rarely change, and retesting at three months generally isn't needed. In the meantime try not to overthink things or stress about issues you currently don't have.

[felDoom]

Thanks for the response, Jim. You seem to be very knowledgeable and reassuring on the subject at hand.

No, there was no condomless sex. It was nearly a sexless relationship up until about a year ago, but it was few and far between. The situation was rough, but I was a patient and understanding man I like to think. Sadly, this restraint faltered, it seems.

I will try not to stress until I have a result. My sister became symptomatic last night, so I'm hoping that I picked something up along my travels to the doctor's and work and it's taking awhile to hit everyone else. It's brought me some peace of mind in a way.

This has to be six weeks. I remember it being about a month ago, a bit longer than that. I'm going to go in next month regardless since I'm unsure of the timeframe and I don't want to put anybody through what I'm going through right now.

If anything, this taught me a very very valuable lesson and that I do need to get mental help as this spiral is never-ending. Just one hookup...that's all it takes, I guess. Never again.