The Broken Record .. I justed tested positive

[wow1969]

LOL ... I couldn't figure out what else to name this thread but to just call it "I just tested positive" does sound like a broken record <G>

I tried to figure out why I'm posting this .... then realized that I'm posting for two primary reasons 1.)  To help me sort out my thoughts, and 2.) Because I need information and this seems like a place to start.

So here's my story. I tested positive three weeks ago.

For years I lived a wild life ... I won't tell you how many encounters I've had but there are small towns in Texas with smaller populations. However, I was always safe. Never had and STD or anything. Which at 38 years old is pretty amazing in my opinion. However, my friends and my Dr. kept telling me that if I didn't calm down I'd eventually catch something. I decided to start pursuing a monogamous relationship ... so that I would be safe. About two years ago I stopped the wild life (which did not include drugs just alcohol and sex). Last year I was tested four times before July to ensure I was negative so that when I entered into a relationship, I would be available on all levels.

Around August I met a guy and grew to love him. In September I was tested for the 5th time and was still negative. He assured me he was negative also. I decided to engage in unprotected sex with this guy. October came around and I knew that the relationship wasn't going to last. Despite the fact that I loved him we just weren't going to work. Strangely three weeks after that relationship ended, I met another guy.

It was magic from the first date. He was negative and I was negative and so we did the unprotected sex thing. Fastforward to the present.

I hadn't been tested until September. I was safe I thought. I had only had two sex partners and both were negative. Neither had strayed. So imagine my surprise when I went to my annual physical and turned up HIV positive. You know three years ago when I was a "wild child" I wouldn't have been happy about this diagnosis but I wouldn't have been surprised either. I'm not happy about it now and I AM surprised.

The first thing I did was contact my partner. The guy I met where it was magic turned out to be the "one". The one guy I thought didn't exist for me. We went and had him tested that night and the truth is he's negative. I"m soooo happy. That left one candidate. I called him and he said he was negative, blah blah, blah ... I knew it had to be him because if it wasn't I would have had to have been positive for over a year and evaded a total of six tests. Which I hardly find plausible.

So Guy 1 went and was tested and told me it was negative. Then he calls me and announces that he's been tested again and it's positive. I quizzed him and it turns out that he couldn't remember when he was tested before we met. The truth is he didn't know his status and lied. So what happens? I end up positive. I don't blame him completely. I was there and it wasn't rape. However, he is falling apart. He really didn't know so I've found myself becoming his support. He' actually on suicide watch and seeing a therapist every day.

So now onto Guy 2. He's negative. He also truly loves me. We moved in together three weeks before I found out. Before finding out that I was positive we had decided to have a commitment ceremony. Our families like eachother. We love eachother. Personalities click well. Sexually we are compatible. He's a gay mans dream. And he won't leave. I told him he was crazy for staying but he just refuses to go. In fact, he not only refuses to go he bought our rings last weekend. YAY!!!

Our sex life hasn't slowed down but it has changed. Condoms are now a part of everything. He's a bottom and I'm a top so he's at more risk than I am. (LOL did I just write that). We are going to HIV awareness training together. Next week I go and see the virologist to get my CD4 and VL counts. My partner is at risk still. He could still convert in the next three months but I hope he doesn't.

I realize that this may sound like I'm doing great. Actually I am. I've told my three best friends and my partner. They have been great. I have an ex from years ago who is positive and I've spoken to him a number of times. He's been a great support. My Dr. has been great as well. She says that given my physical results that I'm healthy. My WBC and RBC counts are good and there's nothing abnormal. Given this and the fact that my partner is negative (which is amazing considering our sex life) that my VL will probably be very low. All good things to hear.

We have been able to pinpoint when I converted to about December. It fits with the time line. My lymph nodes grew and grew. They are shrinking now.

As I said, I"m doing great. But I'm not thrilled by this. The first week I found out I cried and cried. I cried for a number of reasons. There is so much that is unknown about this disease. I couldn't figure out where it came from (the ex said he was negative at that point). I didn't and still don't know what my future holds. I'm worried about my job and insurance. I don't work in a gay friendly industry. (Guess it's a sign to find something new, which doesn't bother me to be honest. I don't like the job just the perks and salary).

However, what bothers me the most. What causes me the most heartache are the two most important people in my life. My partner and my six year old son.

My fear is that I won't see him grow up. I won't be there for his wedding. I won't see his kids be born. I will miss his life. That is what is freaking me out. I just don't know what to expect. That is the hardest thing for me in all this. That and the thought that I will cause my partner to convert or put him through hell if I get sick.

[komnaes]

However, what bothers me the most. What causes me the most heartache are the two most important people in my life. My partner and my six year old son.

My fear is that I won't see him grow up. I won't be there for his wedding. I won't see his kids be born. I will miss his life. That is what is freaking me out. I just don't know what to expect. That is the hardest thing for me in all this. That and the thought that I will cause my partner to convert or put him through hell if I get sick.

You've been through a lot my friend! It's hard to keep it together, and on top of that you're caring for your ex as well. Give yourself a medal but don't ignore your own health and emotional needs too.

As for your current partner, he sounds like a god-sent. We hear you, the fear about his next test result, but let's hope for the best. There are many of us here that have neg partners, gay and straight couples. It's very achievable and with the right attitude and supports and lots of condoms it shouldn't affect your relationship.

As for you son, none of us know how many more years we'll have with or without this bug. So just concentrate on the NOW and being a good dad for him! Let's this be a reminder that the times we share with our loved ones are precious. Don't spend times worrying that you would not see him doing this or achieving that - be there for him now.

We're here to listen and share, your little cyber community. Welcome.

Hugs, Shaun

[Andy Velez]

Welcome. We're glad to be here for you even though of course you'd rather not need to be here.

This is still very new and even shocking for you. That's going to wear off and gradually you're going to see that your life is going to go on. Yes, it will be different in some ways, but it will also be wonderful too. And you'll get to see more of your son's life than you may want to at times like when he's a teenager and may let you know what a jerk he thinks you are.

As far as protecting your partner's sero-negative status, many, many thousands of couples, including some who are members here, are having good lives in every way with their partners. Including sexually. And keeping their partners negative. You guys can do it too.

It is important that you have a good partnership with your doctor and that your numbers are monitored regularly.

You're always welcome here to ask questions, to discuss anything that's on your mind and to just hang out. Gradually you're going to learn whatever you need to know to stay healthy.

Just keep breathing and little by little things will fall into place again and your life is going to be ok.

Enjoy the day today.

Cheers,

[BT65]

Wow1969,

Welcome to the forums.  Sorry we had to run across each other like this, but I'm glad you found us. 

As far as being afraid of not seeing your son grow up.........I tested positive in 1989, and my daughter was 5 years old then.  She's now 24.  As long you have regular check-ups with your doctor, keep you labs monitored etc. there's no reason you won't see your son grow up. 

Again, welcome.  Hope to hear more from you.
  Luv,
Betty

[wow1969]

thank you ... that is very very encouraging to hear ...

[NewLife4Me]

OUCH! what has happened to you must hurt like hell. I am truly sorry for that and as they say time heals and you become use to it.

As far as what you had to say about your son. Seventeen (18 in January)years ago I thought the same thing. I had a 10 month old son at home when I found out. Everything that you are thinking I thought I went as far as to go buy boxes of birthday cards and wrote his name and the year on each one. I had myself convinced that I would not even be there for his 1t day of school.... but I was. So I moved on to I won't see him start Jr High..... was there for that too. Never see him in high school, wrong again. Won't be there to take a ride with him behind the wheel, batting a 100 on being wrong.

I kept seeing everything as a negative and thought I would miss out on so much. I think in the long run if nothing else it has made me a better father (of course I have no idea what I would have been like neg.). I spend as much time as I can with my son and always have. We have grown from just being father and son to being friends and buddies, something that is truly amazing.

This year has not been good and I did not pay attention to my health, and ended up in the hospital for an extended stay. I always try to take something positive from every situation I am faced with. From this I took a positive attitude about the length of my life. I released that I lived 17 years thinking I would not be here for a mile stone in my sons life. Now my mindset has changed.

Next year my son will graduate from high school and I will be there for it proud as I can be. A year from this fall my son will start college and I Will be there to see a messy dorm room. In a few more years my son will graduate from college meet the woman of his dreams (and if it is a man instead that is great too) and get married. They will have babies and guess what ........ I will be there to be an incredible grandfather with babies on my knee spoiling them and sending them home to their mommy and daddy all sugared up and hyperactive.

I know right now trying to think positive is a very hard thing to do. Take it from someone who has been in your shoes, you will be there so don't waste 17 years of your life thinking you won't.

BTW, when I got home from the hospital a few days later when I had a little more strength I went in the closet and threw out a box of cards organized by......

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY MICHAEL"
"April 13th, 2009) etc.

[Peter Staley]

NewLife4Me -- just wanted to welcome you to our forums!  If you get a chance, start a new thread and introduce yourself to the other members.  It's a great big family here, and I hope we can help you whenever you need it.

Peter Staley
Founder
AIDSmeds.com

[wow1969]

Thanks NewLife .... It's good to hear that I'm more than likely going to see him grow up, get married, become president of the universe, etc.... <G>

[wow1969]

Also, I started to do the same thing about cards ... What a melodramatic moment in my life LOL ... wonder how many more of those i will have?