I Need Help!

[PeteNYNJ]

I have a drinking problem.  That was the hardest sentence I have ever written.  I need help.  What is my first step?

I am desperate, alone, and so scared.

[Jody]

Hi Pete...Try the link below, sometimes support from other folks in the same boat can be very helpful...You have already taken the first step in seeking help...Good luck and keep us posted, there are plenty of good folks here to assist you, drinking too much and living with HIV just won't work and there is help out there........


www.alcoholics-anonymous.org

[milker]

Hi Pete,

you're not the only one, it's a great step you've made reaching out here. Like Ann said to me: A big part of the battle is recognizing and admitting you have a problem

You need to talk to someone about that, to figure out what triggers your drinking problem, some are day drinkers, some night drinkers, some have to go to bars every day, some drink at home alone, everyone is different. Talk to your doctor about it too.

{{{{ HUGZ }}}}

Milker.

[Buckmark]

Pete,

It must have been very difficult for you to write this -- and it was also very brave.  As Jody points out, you've taken an important first step.  Contacting AA would be a good next step.  Jody's given their main web site below, where you can find a local chapter.  Do you have a trusted friend or family member you can talk to about this?  I also know some folks who got started by contacting their physician.  If you work for a medium or large company, you may also have an Employee Assistance Plan which can help you get started.  If you are currently, or have previously, seen a therapist, they could assist as well.  There is help, and remember that you are not totally alone, because there are a lot of folks here on the forums who care.

Henry

[PeteNYNJ]

Thanks everyone

How do you deal with the humiliation of telling everyone you are a drunk?  By you I mean me. 

[Longislander]

Hi Pete,

I think if you first start out by telling the people at an AA meeting, you're statement will be met with a lot of compassion.

My moms BF was an alcoholic, and AA helped him find his sobriety--17 years ago.

It is a big step , realizing you have this problem and telling us about it.  It takes baby steps to get through this, and we're all here for you.

Hugs,

Paul

[thunter34]

Thanks everyone

How do you deal with the humiliation of telling everyone you are a drunk?  By you I mean me. 

OK.  Here's where I chime in.  I wanted to post something about this before, but I don't have much experience with AA or other substance abuse programs.  Substance abuse, yes.  Programs, no.

I offer this:  I think you should consider a reexamination of your terminology ("a drunk" vs. "an alcoholic") and your emotional response to sharing this information.  Humiliating?  I say no.  To take responsibility for a situation like this takes- well, for lack of more eloquent terminology- it takes balls, man.  It is a courageous admission to make, sir.  And I submit that you do yourself the favor of reminding yourself of this each time it comes to the fore.  To cower from the situation and to do nothing would be the stuff of humiliation.  To own it and take action is bravery. 

I wish I had a better way of wording this now, but it is late and I am very tired.  I hope the intention in this post comes through clear enough.  As long as your attempts at dealing with this are in earnest, you'll get no pity or shame from me.  Only respect.

[DanielMark]

Pete,

Begin by checking out Jody's link and find an AA meeting near you. (Or call them to find one – their number is in most phone books). Most cities also have an AA helpline with a member who you can talk to. Forget talking with friends or family about this now. They may give you well-meaning advice, but you need the experience of others in recovery from drinking at this point. Trust me on this.

Just go to some meetings and keep an open mind. The other members there will guide you on what to do. When I was going to AA, the number one bit of advice was simple: Don't drink and go to meetings. It won't be easy, but you can do it!

Daniel

[Buckmark]

How do you deal with the humiliation of telling everyone you are a drunk?  By you I mean me. 

Pete,

Think back to when you've disclosed to people that you are HIV+.  I'm not sure if this is the case for you, but many of us have had feelings of shame and humiliation associated with disclosing to friends and family that we are positive.  Draw on that same strength to tell people that you believe you are an alcoholic; in a way, it is a similar kind of disclosure with some parallels.

You're close friends and family members will thank you for telling them, and will be supportive (which is what we all really want when disclosing serious matters like this).  Plus, you don't have to tell everyone right away; start with one person who you really trust, and who you think can be supportive and objective.  Watch out for those who dismiss your concerns -- you don't needs those kind of people in your life.

Lastly, unless you are the type who only drinks at home and alone, some of the people in your life are probably already concerned about your drinking.  So they will be relieved to hear that you recognize it, and want to do something about it.  Disclosure is sign of strength, not weakness.

Hugs,

Henry

[Andy Velez]

Pete, congratulations on taking this first important step.

As for "how do you disclose" to others, you don't have to rush to do that in your life. I agree that getting to a program would be a good move because dealing with this effectively means absolutely not trying to do this on your own, but rather in the company of others who understand first hand what you're dealing with.

Acknowleding your problem honestly is a huge first step. You already can feel the support and understanding you have here. Check out the meeting which Jody suggested. The great thing in NY/NJ is there are lots of meetings no matter what your schedule is and from those I know who are in the program the support is really amazing.

Keep us posted and PM me if you want to discuss anything further.

Cheers,

[Iggy]

Thanks everyone

How do you deal with the humiliation of telling everyone you are a drunk?  By you I mean me. 

Pete,

Sort of taking this post first as I think it could be the stumbling block to you getting help.   Who says you you have to tell anyone outside of the person/people you go to seek help with?

I'm not talking about hiding anything, but I don't think your recovery relies on confession to others either.  Many people confuse revealing themselves to others as a necessary part of addressing an issue; The only person you need to face in this is yourself.

I think a 12 step meeting is a great start but I wouldn't get a head of yourself yet and worry about how to deal with talking to others about it - that worry could become an obstacle for you actually getting help and focusing on what you need...and not how others will deal with it.

You got my thoughts right now

[egello]

Hello

How did you come to terms with the fact that you do have a problem?

[PeteNYNJ]

Thanks everyone for your advice.

You are all correct.  I need to take care of me.  That is part of the problem, never ever thinking about myself.  When I do it is only to put myself down (You are so fat, you are ugly, you are blah blah blah).  Nothing anyone ever says gets through - I have a great family, great friends, a good job, a nice house, I am blessed.  The problem is I don't feel I deserve any of it.  In fact, I think the opposite so I sabotage myself at every turn.

This weekend was my rock bottom.  I embarrassed myself and my friends.   I am so sickened by my behaviour that I finally looked in the mirror and told my "self" YOU NEED HELP!!!

I then told one of my very good friends who agreed. 

This is not an AA board so I will stop.  I am not seeking pity or praise, just trying to be as honest as I can. 

Thanks for your thoughts.  It means a lot.

Pete

[rosita]

Hi Pete. Do you remember me?? I´m the spanenglish girl, the one that make you jokes in spanenglish¡¡ LOL.
I saw you write this "need of help" last night. I stay a lot of time in front on my computer, when you need it talk to me. We support each other. I feel that when I supporting people I forgot about my own things.
Do you ever think about a terapist, I read your posts and I saw taht you have your autoapreciate down (I´m fat....) also you said it.
Who is the devil?
See you, I´m here for you.

[rosita]

Sorry I make a mistake, I want to ask How is the Devil??? not Who. For those who didn´t know. I call Pete´s cat The Devil.

[water duck]

Humiliation, why so, dear Pete ??
You had humbly admitted you have a problem!! Humility takes courage and wisdom , only the humble will conquer the world as they do not resist.

"I am not seeking pity or praise, just trying to be as honest as i can ............"
we heard you !! we are here to provide support.
To be honest with one's self is where all healing begins. If you are only now learning the simplicity that is born of true honesty, take a moment to remember the very first time you admitted to yourself or to another the depth and truth of your feelings. Be grateful for the relief you felt and the wisdom you gained by laying down the burden you had carried for so long. Honesty opens locked cupboards in the heart, THIS i wish FOR you .

If you do not start by loving yourself, who will do that for you ??

Wd

[Iggy]

This is not an AA board so I will stop.  I am not seeking pity or praise, just trying to be as honest as I can. 

It's not a porn, youtube, politics or dumb jokes board either - but those items are in abundance in this forum.  You post as much as you want about what you are going through and you let us post as much as we want about how much we care.

OK?  (Or are you trying to sabatoge the support we are offering  )

I'm glad you discussed with the one friend and I'm glad you are deciding to do something about it if you feel it is time.  We are all here for you, buddy.

[poz1970]

Thanks everyone for your advice.

You are all correct.  I need to take care of me.  That is part of the problem, never ever thinking about myself.  When I do it is only to put myself down (You are so fat, you are ugly, you are blah blah blah).  Nothing anyone ever says gets through - I have a great family, great friends, a good job, a nice house, I am blessed.  The problem is I don't feel I deserve any of it.  In fact, I think the opposite so I sabotage myself at every turn.

This weekend was my rock bottom.  I embarrassed myself and my friends.   I am so sickened by my behaviour that I finally looked in the mirror and told my "self" YOU NEED HELP!!!

I then told one of my very good friends who agreed. 

This is not an AA board so I will stop.  I am not seeking pity or praise, just trying to be as honest as I can. 

Thanks for your thoughts.  It means a lot.

Pete

While its not an AA board, its a board with lots of people that want to help and support each other through difficult times, IMO that takes precedence, whatever the problem :-)

(best of luck! and I'm sure you'll get LOTS of support through here with your battle to give it up)

J

[AlanBama]

Pete, you've been one of my favorites in the forums since you were a "Confused Newbie".

I think it's great that you are admitting you need help.   Now, go and seek that help.   We'll be here for you.

Love & hugs,

Alan

[Buckmark]

... I need to take care of me.  That is part of the problem, never ever thinking about myself.  When I do it is only to put myself down (You are so fat, you are ugly, you are blah blah blah).  Nothing anyone ever says gets through - I have a great family, great friends, a good job, a nice house, I am blessed.  The problem is I don't feel I deserve any of it.  In fact, I think the opposite so I sabotage myself at every turn.

Not only do you deserve the things you have, you deserve to get the support and help that you need right now.  You've got to believe that, or it will be hard to make the changes you need / want.  You'll probably want to explore this particular issue a lot more, particularly with a therapist.

This weekend was my rock bottom.  I embarrassed myself and my friends.   I am so sickened by my behaviour that I finally looked in the mirror and told my "self" YOU NEED HELP!!!

I then told one of my very good friends who agreed. 

You've already taken 2 big steps.  You recognized and admitted to yourself that you need help (which some people cannot do).  And you've talked about it with a good friend.  You've started to set the wheels of change in motion.

 
This is not an AA board so I will stop.  I am not seeking pity or praise, just trying to be as honest as I can. 

Honesty is good -- very good.  It's not always easy at first, but it lifts a huge burden off of your shoulders.  I'd really encourage you *not* to stop.  Post whatever it is that you are thinking and feeling.  That's the primary reason we are all here on these forums -- to support and help each other.

Hugs,

Henry

[englishgirl]

pete, as the others have said you have made the first step by recognising you have a problem. now keep  up the good work and access all the support you can.
good luck and keep us updated
best wishes

[marc11864]

Thanks everyone

How do you deal with the humiliation of telling everyone you are a drunk?  By you I mean me. 

Ask yourself this...

How do you deal with the humiliation of showing everyone that you are a drunk? 

I've always taken the tack of just being straightforward about the substances that I've abused in my lifetime. It tends to take the sting out of them finding out in a situation where I have less control.

[PeteNYNJ]

You are all making a lot of sense - funny how it seems like basic info is from on high right now

I am at my folks.  Told them, they were relieved because I finally said it.  I have come up with a plan based on yours and some friends recommendations.  Step one is a visit to my GP.  I am on antidepressants that I have screwed up this weekend by being so drunk(hello) that I need to address that now.  Then I will take the next step from there.

This is so scary but also feel like the weight of the world is  not entirely on my shoulders.

Question - what to do about work?  I am sure they have noticed and since all my medical insurance is linked into my job (don't get me started on that f-ed up system), how do I get well but not get fired?   

I have been at this place for about 8 years and never had a bad performance review but lately they have commented more out of concern then critique.  I mentioned to my boss this morning (in private) that I have some issue with my mental health I need to work through and she understood.  I work for a very large company in NYC.  Thousands of employees.

Thanks

Pete

[DanielMark]

Pete,

I suspect a company as large as yours will have an  employee assistance program for alcohol (and other addictions) treatment services. Most companies nowadays are glad to be of assistance rather than lose an employee.

Daniel

[Life]

Pete,

Best wishes in your quest...   

Best thing I ever did for myself..

Eric

[pozniceguy]

Pete, follow up to what Daniel said......large companies want to keep long term employees..they have many plans/programs that are sponsored just for that purpose..all such programs are confidential...even your Boss does not have to know unless you choose to tell her which program you are working....  go for it...dealing with the HIV and this can be totally overwhelming..take whatever help you can find....

Nick

[Buckmark]

Question - what to do about work?  I am sure they have noticed and since all my medical insurance is linked into my job (don't get me started on that f-ed up system), how do I get well but not get fired?   

I have been at this place for about 8 years and never had a bad performance review but lately they have commented more out of concern then critique.  I mentioned to my boss this morning (in private) that I have some issue with my mental health I need to work through and she understood.  I work for a very large company in NYC.  Thousands of employees.

If your company is large enough to have an employee assistance program, and even if they do not, they are generally happy that you are getting the help you need.  One's problems with mental and physical health inevitably bleed over into the workplace, so by helping you address these issues, they get a better employee.  Plus, if you don't do anything about it, there's certainly an increasing likelihood that it will affect your performance even more, and jeopardize your job.  If you think about it that way, you really don't have that much to lose.

As for what to do about work, I'm not exactly sure what your concern is.  Are you concerned that they will examine your history of insurance claims, and fire you?  You're probably luckier than most to be with a larger employer, as they tend to examine their insurance claims for overall trends.  Smaller companies are more likely to use them to weed out employees who are costing them a lot of money.  I am a manager at a very large company with hundreds of thousands of employees.  I have submitted HIV-related insurance claims, and also mental health-related claims for 18+ years.  It has never once been a problem for me.  And as a manager, I can tell you that the best thing you can do is to address your health concerns, so you can become a more productive employee. 

I think you handled it very well with your boss -- I can't think of anything else you need to say to her at this point.  And again, I'd implore you not to worry about how this will effect your job or get you fired, as those worries are most likely unfounded.  But if you think about what could happen if you didn't take any action, that's far more likely to jeopardize your job.

Regards,

Henry

[PeteNYNJ]

Thanks to everyone.  I am overwhelmed with the support.  my family is mostly supportive but my dad just wants to fix me and doesnt listen when I say "I can't do this alone - I need help"

Kinda bummed about that

I have an appointment at 11 at my docs.  I will follow up with everyone when I figure out my own self. 

I want this so bad - I know I can do it.

Pete

[bear60]

Your Dad is such a macho man.  Its those macho men who say  " Just suck it up, son, you can stop drinking if you want to."..
Well, hell yea...its like you can stop being gay cause its a choice.....or you can stop being blond cause its a choice. lol   Seriously....its not so simple is it.  You need help. And I know you will find it.  Cause every time you look for help you find it.  As in..."you" or "me".

[jkinatl2]

I hope you understand that the solution to your problems might begin with the absence of alcohol, but it is by no means a clinical situation. Your entire life must be examined, and the reasons for the self-medication must be dealt with. Or else soemthing will fill that addictive void, eventually.

I highly recommend that you initiate a relationship with a counselor, to determine what lies at the base of your addiction. And to find the tools to overcome this difficulty without resorting to transference.

It is not an easy path, and it will involve facing some thoroughly unpleasant things in your psyche, your past, your mindset as a whole. But it is absolutely necessary to undergo such a transformation, if being emotionally healthy really is the goal you pursue.

I sincerely wish you the best during this difficult time.

[PeteNYNJ]

Hello again

Feeling much better today. It was nice to go to sleep and not just pass out.  Haven't had a drink in two days and actually don't really miss it.  I go to my doctor tomorrow to talk about options on how to deal with the underlying causes of my drinking.  I also want to get off Lexapro because it seems that lately it is making my mood swing more then stabilize.  I also want to go to a therapist regularly to get to the root cause of all my insecurities, panic, and general neurosis I have had pretty much for about a year.

I went on the lexapro right after diagnosis two years ago due to feeling kinda bummed (as you can imagine).  It seemed to level me out but after about a year I noticed I was panicking a lot more (attacks, general sense of fear, worry, wanting to flee).  I was given a higher dose but now it seems that my mood is one of panic, worry about everyday life, and unable to focus.  My thoughts race constantly.  I have been trying to self medicate for the past few months and it has gotten to the point where that is not helping, just hurting.

I will keep you all informed on this journey because it is actually helpful for me to get these thoughts out and share parts of my life I have not thought about for a long time.

Thanks for your thoughts and kind words.

Pete

[PeteNYNJ]

Hi

Went to my GP today who also doubles as my ID doc.  Told him all my worries, issues, and concerns.  He gave me some drugs for the panic attacks and told me to keep taking the lexapro.  He listened to me for about 30 mins and recommended I see a psychiatrist because he is worried he might not be experienced enough for a proper diagnosis.  He said from there the two of them would work together for the best course of action regarding future therapies/medications.

I hope you understand that the solution to your problems might begin with the absence of alcohol, but it is by no means a clinical situation. Your entire life must be examined, and the reasons for the self-medication must be dealt with. Or else something will fill that addictive void, eventually.

My doctor pretty much echoed these words that Jonathon stated above.  He said I need a clinical diagnosis to my deep rooted issues before we worry about complimentary therapies. 

I am still anxious but less so since I know I am moving in the right direction.

Thanks again for your thoughts and words of encouragement.

[pozattitude]

Pete,

Congratulations in taking the first steps towards getting better.  It is very difficult to admit one has an addiction and it takes a lot of courage to admit it and to come out about it.  You deserve a big hug and compliments for taking such a huge step.
Addictions are not easy to recognize but once you can look at it for what it is and understand the reasons behind it, your journey will become a lot more clear.
You should know that you have support here and we're behind you (no pun intended).

Rich
(who knows addiction)

[milker]

This is very encouraging that you have taken those steps so fast. I wish you all the best.

Milker.

[PeteNYNJ]

Hi Everyone

Thanks for the outpouring of support.  I am on some new meds that are doing a number on me.  My mood is swing all over the place, but it should stabilize soon.  I also started seeing a therapist which is helping a lot.  It is really helping me get to the bottom of my self hate issues.   I have cut down on drinking dramatically.  I have had a beer here and there but have been pretty good except for this Friday when I got drunk while out on the town.   I realized I need to not surround myself with certain people who are not really friends but more like comisserators.

I have been just chilling out a lot at home and enjoy my family's company.  I miss some of my friends, but again, they dont get it.

Thanks for all your advice.

Pete

[ImagineFL]

Check at the book store or Amazon for a book called Rational Recovery.  Read it until at least page 50 and you will understand what is happening in your mind and why you drink.

Best book that I ever used to stop drinking and the drugs.  Anthony Keidis from the Red Hot Chili Peppers sent me a copy when I was going through on of my coke and booze binges a couple years back.

Take care of yourself, dear.

Hugs,
Patsy

Here is the link to their webpage. http://www.rational.org/

[next2u]

hey pete,

if you falter, keep on trying. most people don't give it up cold turkey. others who try and fail beat themselves up for not sticking to their regiment. hey, dude, quitting (or moderating) is a work in process and you are allowed mistakes. note - i am note encouraging mistakes, just saying if they do happen, don't beat yourself up over it. remember, practice makes perfect so keep on trying. good luck to you with this one man, keep up posted.

[PeteNYNJ]

Thanks Daniel - I will check that out.

Next2U - I realize this is a journey and I wont be "fixed" overnight.  I am proud of myself for the positive steps I have taken, for taking a serious inventory of my life, and taking an active role in doing something about it.  I have also realized that I had surrounded myself with a lot of toxic people in my life.  Not to say they are bad people, but they are just toxic for me.  These are the kind of people who dismiss me by saying "you are too hard on yourself" or "Just come out with me tonight and you will feel better"  They want me to stay who I am because it enhances their lives in some strange way. 

Well enough about that. Talk to you all soon.

Pete

[Iggy]

Pete,

Just recognize that you do know best what is for you as you have already shown in your writings.  The hard step of course if following your own advice, but I'm glad you recognize that you know what needs to be done.

[rosita]

  Hi Pete I´m very happy that you are feelling better and better every day. See you and kisses for the "blackie"¡¡¡
Hugs

[david25luvit]

Pete....

            I think you'll find you're in excellent company here....
There are many of us alcoholics who come to this site...  by admitting it to yourself and others
you've taken the first step.  As a suggestion...you may want to contact AA....there you will
find an invaluable support system.  Hang in there, good buddy.