I am HIV+?

[Mike2008]

Hello everyone,

Okay here is my situation.  I was diagnosed on April 27th.  I was in the second week of training for a new job.  I had just been promoted into a very stressful job that requires 50 to 60 hour work week’s minimum.  So, I get the news I am positive just 3 days before I am supposed to take over this account, I really don’t remember much about those first 2 weeks.

My CD4 was 493 and my VL was 1875, I was very freaked out, I am a 45 y.o single Gay man living in San Francisco.  Pretty much every day since I found out I have gotten drunk after work.  I have had a substance abuse problem my whole life, sometimes I can control it sometimes not, but lately it has exploded.

I have since resigned from my job.  I wanted to take three months off, get in shape, start living a healthily lifestyle, but when I resigned they begged me to stay one more month.  Then things happened and now they want me to stay another month and possibly to the end of August.  This job pays good money, more than I will make in my next position I am sure, but it is killing me.  Or is it the constant hangovers that is killing me?  BTW I smoke pot constantly when I am not at work.  I did quit smoking cigarettes last July 4th, and not much has gone right since.

My best friend moved from SF a couple of months ago, and I don’t have a lot of other friends.  He is understanding, since he is an RN and worked with HIV patients for years. I told one of my Sisters, but no one else.

I feel like I must have some time off, but I can’t.  I will take off Sep to Dec though, but that means giving up employer health insurance (I am also covered by the VA).  Financially this is not a problem; I could probably afford 6 months off if I had too.

Well you are the only ones who know all of this.  What do you think?  I feel like I am in a vise.  Today I came this close to just not going to work at all.

Michael

[milker]

Hi Mike,

first, welcome to the forums. It is a good thing that you posted here and told your story.

People react differently when they get the news, and it seems that for you it is a very difficult time.

However, your numbers are pretty good, and there does not seem to be any urgency for treatment. You know, the first weeks are the worst, but when you start talking with other HIV+ people it is when you realize that there is life after April 27th, and it can be a good life, with a burden, yes, but still a good life.

You will learn to have HIV be part of you, but being here will help you. Soon you will switch from "I just tested Poz" to "Living with HIV", you will get better understanding on what is going on in your body, what is to be expected, etc.

Drowning in alcohol will not reverse the situation; you have a job that seems good, taking 6 months off may not be the best thing to think about right now, because if you quit and feel better in a week or two, you will then want to go back to work and have a normal life.

Get help about the alcohol problem, and hang tight, morale will improve soon

Milker.

[Mike2008]

Everyone thinks I doing so good.  Ha!  If they only - I live a total lie.

[milker]

But you're not lying to yourself, Mike, and that's the important thing. You may just need external help like here or a councellor to help you during the first few months. It's all about yourself right now, and it's fine. Take it one day at a time, I can assure you that you will feel better soon, hang tight

Milker.

[jordan]

Mike:

Sorry to hear about your diagnosis....I discovered I was HIV positive in February of 2006.  I can honestly say that today, I'm healthlier and enjoying life more than ever before.  The first couple of months were very tough.....I continued working my job (which was very stressful also) and told only 1 person.

To date, only 2 friends of mine know and my attitude is "business as usual."

Fortunately for me, I had quit drinking two years prior to my diagnosis.  I remember talking to the nurse after finding out and telling her "great, I might as well start drinking again," and she replied "it now more critical that you stay healthly so don't start drinking."

If you want I can recommend several books I read which helped me to understand my addiction and the reasons why I felt shame and was trying to escape.  Today, I can cope with life better than I could before. 

I wouldn't wish what happened to me on anyone.  I guess the silver lining in this dark cloud is that I woke up and started living my life and I've realized that I can do everything and more that I used to do before I found out I was HIV postiive.

Hang in there and remember you always have help here on the forum.

Peace,

Jordan

[pozattitude]

Hi Mike,

I know this sounds weird, but , welcome !
You are going through a very hard time.  I remember when I got my test result + 10 years ago.  I just forgot about it, went to work like nothing at all.  After work I started drinking and didn't stop until 3 years later.  I also quit school ( it was my last semester too)
All I can say is that it will get better.  You can live a healthy long life.
I have a good job now, I am healthy and life is good.  You will be fine, just hang in there.
I am not going to preach about booze, I'm just going to say that alcohol is HIV's good friend, not your immune system's.  Pot ;however, has not been known to harm the body like alcohol; quite the contrary according to some studies.  Look on the bright side! You can legally and legitimately get your medical marijuana card.  I love mine
I live in the bay area too, we are in a good place for people like us.

Rich
(who likes the vapor room)

[xyahka]

Hi Mike,

i am three months diagnosed and totally agree with all my friends here. Since diagnosed i kept on working, not only because in Latin America is needed (we cannot get on disability) but mostly because i needed to do something... otherwise i would stay home, thinking about hiv, and i would have gotten crazy (occupational therapy). Think about it.

Plus, i am doing a job i sort of like, I have been here two years, i know my co workers, we are a good team and joke on each other everyday.. they trust me, i am like counsellor for everyone, i know the business deeply. My point is... as for how you described the opportunity you were about to take it was a good chance... something you perhaps worked for and were desiring to achieve. Why should you leave it now? because of hiv? nah!!!

Believe me when i say this... during the first stages of the illness (something i know first hand) the biggest impact for a person is emotional and psychological... but usually, if you are diagnosed on time, like me and you... there are often few issues with your body and it might be long until you start dealing with troubles (if you are careful with your health). So my point is, wake up and look at the mirror and realise this... yes, you have hiv... so what? do you look somehow different? NO. Do you have to forget about all the things you wanted to do in life? NO. what do you really have to do? Look after your health, make plans for a long future and think on how to enjoy it more.

Don't let the psychological/emotional impact of the diagnosis confuse you... you are actually same successful guy you were before diagnosis. You are just required to look after your health a more. And that means no smoking nor drinking. I mean... come on buddy, we have a new job and they are begging you not to go?? wow... there is some outstanding performance over there huh?? i think you had a goal and you were reaching it.... don't leave it now.

We will be here for you whenever you need it, count with us.

Juan Carlos

[Mike2008]

Thanks to all who replied, this forum is a great thing.  I guess I will just have to get over it.  Juan Carlos i do want to take some time off and get back in the gym.  I feel so much better when i workout reguarly and my self esteem goes up when I look good.  This job, while it pays good money, it is not the peaceful life i crave.  I have done some writing in the past, and feel like maybe i should develope that.

Pozattitude - Can I get the prescription frm Kaiser?

Thanks everyone, today seem sbetter.

[englishgirl]

hi mike

sorry youve joined us but 'welcome'

you are gonna have to be prepared to ride a bit of an emotional rollercoaster due to your diagnosis and this is best done without the use of substances. please seek out all the help that you can get. this cloud may indeed to have a silver lining if you make it so - use the diagnosis as a reason to start living healthier, make positive changes in your life and avoid stress.

a lot of what jordan says makes very good sense. (the only thing i would possibly disagree with is with regards to disclosure - i have managed more or less 'business as usual' as far as the general public go but at the same time most people are aware of my status.)

one thing you should be aware of is that if you drink/get high you may find that you are not in control of who you disclose to, and regret some of the discussions you have while under the influence (i have). that in itself is a good reason to abstain. going through something this big while abusing any substance is a recipe for trouble.

and bear in mind that our amg is in san fran this year so youve got that to get sober for... 

all the best
xx

[indyguy]

Hey whats up? I found out late last year and man what a stressful time so I feel ya. Since then I have come out to all my friends and even my co-workers and am doing great. I think that you will find that time will help allot but I would not leave your job because you will just sit around and worry all the time. Keep busy. Will keep you in my prayers.