23 years on and still realizations

[hudstar]

Hi all, haven't been on here for a while and I guess the first thing is that it is great that the HIV ban on non us citizens entering US has been lifted as my travels are still constant and I still transit via the USA at times. Anyhow I thought I needed to write this. I had told myself I had taken myself off my pills because my job takes me all over the world and it was easier to leave them behind as the nature of my work had me crossing many countries over short periods of time and that in itself had me under suspicion when passing border controls. Recently (after 17 months off my pills) I had a very high viral load after riding an undetectable viral load without pills.  I really stopped taking my pills because it was the first time in 23 years I was doing what I was doing pre diagnosis and i enjoyed that freedom. I am also immune to most pills on the market so my doctor was concerned I may have built resistance to the pills that do react The two weeks waiting for results had me thinking about HIV again and I found myself reasoning that if I was immune to these pills then I did it because I didn't want to think about HIV while experiencing fantastic situations. My results came back and the short time back on my pills I showed up undetectable again. Having HIV for so long diidn't make me complacent - I think I pushed past my last acceptance of having HIV by taking myself to an extreme i never dared to attempt. I touched that fear of "what if" I stopped these pills. Out of this experience I trust myself  because I realise without a doubt that my body is also part of my soul and my mind and that maybe for 23 years I have lived with the thought that my body was separate to that. I forgot a simple phrase used in the early adverts of HIV- take  control of HIV and not HIV taking control of you. I'm better for experiencing this again.

[leatherman]

I touched that fear of "what if" I stopped these pills.

three times over the years I stopped meds (because of side effects, resistance and nothing else on the market). Within 9 months, twice I ended up a hospital being told I was about to die, and once I probably should have gone to the hospital but I was afraid of hearing again that I was about to die (I already knew the obvious  ). Needless to say I learned the lesson of how important adherence is.

I'm glad that you were able to learn the lesson, and live to tell about it.
Now don't do that again!

[hudstar]

Yeah, Russian roulette wasnt ever a good game to play

[leatherman]

so are you feeling okay right now?
no worse the wear physically for skipping the meds? I hope not 

[hudstar]

 I was never feeling bad or ill to compare myself to that. I just had a reminder why I take my meds. No damage done and lucky my body reacted quickly when i started back on them. I guess I'll do what I do and include my meds Thanks for asking.

[leatherman]

good to hear 

stick to your meds now and don't let me catch you slacking off again. 
LOL

[hudstar]