--- Quote from: BubbaPat on April 07, 2024, 01:55:08 pm ---My moods have been worse of late. I see topics of HIV affecting mental health and I wonder if is the HIV or the mental thought about it itself that cause the mental issues.
--- End quote --- Yes. given that I fairly recently acquired this virus ( aprox 5 years ago , found out 2 years ago) - I feel like a fool and a loser - I had every tool available to prevent it, but somehow my always leading a fairly conservative sex life (when compared to many of my peers), thinking that everyone was honest and everyone was on prep - fooled me and I still managed to get it - through my own stupidity.
I feel I have sabotaged my future, my retirement. It weighs me down like a rock mentally, It's like that nagging gremlin on my shoulder going "you got it" "you got it". I know this sounds melodramatic, but it's my reality. I read all the long term survivor posts and I know a couple personally (external to this site) - who've had a battle I can't begin to comprehend, but it's still about individual realities, and unfortunately mine has me very depressed more often than not.
I fight it with keeping active, reminding myself everyday I'm "healthy", the medication I'm on is doing what its supposed to do. I've lost friends recently to cancer and some other illnesses and that's when I stop and take pause and think given what I've got, how lucky I am there is a viable treatment, they weren't so lucky. I'm all over the place with my thoughts and emotions - and I'm sorry if I have offended anyone with my largely non sensical complaining, but there it is.
leatherman:
--- Quote from: Dogman on August 19, 2024, 04:13:00 pm ---I'm all over the place with my thoughts and emotions - and I'm sorry if I have offended anyone with my largely non sensical complaining, but there it is.
--- End quote --- There's been no offense. Sadly, you're just voicing what most of us have felt, are feeling, or will feel.
--- Quote from: Dogman on August 19, 2024, 04:13:00 pm ---I feel like a fool and a loser - I had every tool available to prevent it, but somehow my always leading a fairly conservative sex life .... through my own stupidity.
--- End quote --- don't knock yourself too much. We humans have known about STDs for a long long time....and yet people keep needing antibiotics and keep getting knocked up. As the 80s started, all gay men knew something was going around and it was clearly related to unprotected sex....and yet people still kept getting infected even knowing there was no treatment.
Heck, I was a big ol' slut and even though I used condoms 99.9% of the time, it was those two condomless times with my first long-term partner that got me. Some luck, huh, for that 1 in 900 chance for a top to get infected to meet up with that .1% failure to use condoms. ugh.
--- Quote from: Dogman on August 19, 2024, 04:13:00 pm ---I feel I have sabotaged my future, my retirement. It weighs me down like a rock mentally, It's like that nagging gremlin on my shoulder going "you got it" "you got it". I know this sounds melodramatic, but it's my reality
--- End quote --- Modern meds and HIPAA laws though suggest your future and your retirement isn't f-ed up. These days you have the same chances as everyone else for making your future be whatever you work for it to be.
Dogman:
--- Quote from: leatherman on August 20, 2024, 06:46:16 pm ---There's been no offense. Sadly, you're just voicing what most of us have felt, are feeling, or will feel.
--- End quote --- As always I appreciate your input and agree with everything you say.
Dogman:
--- Quote from: leatherman on August 20, 2024, 06:46:16 pm ---Heck, I was a big ol' slut and even though I used condoms 99.9% of the time, it was those two condomless times with my first long-term partner that got me. Some luck, huh, for that 1 in 900 chance for a top to get infected to meet up with that .1% failure to use condoms. ugh.
--- End quote --- No judgments, I wasn't a slut most of the time - but that really has no bearing, I know people who got it the very first time they did anything, and yep - I hear what you say about the 1 in 900 + the one or two times you didn't use a condom. Wish I had the same "luck" with the lottery. LOL.