POZ Community Forums
Meds, Mind, Body & Benefits => Mental Health & HIV => Topic started by: GoodMatchHawaiiRetreat on June 24, 2007, 03:35:09 am
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Hey guys. Needing to express some depression and get it off my chest. I've been in a relationship for two months now. It started out great and we still have mutual interests that are good to share. I was excited to meet him that he's also healthy poz and already living in Hawaii. (I'd been open to the possibility of a relationship for a while, but thought I'd have to meet someone willing to move to Hawaii). The depressing part is that he isn't sexually attracted to me. Prefers dark-skinned, dark haired men. Being reddish/blond and white, I'm about as far from latino as one can get.
That plus his libido is much less than mine, made for an incompatible situation. So, we've agreed to be roommates and not boyfriends.
Rationally I know what the reality is, but it is hard emotionally to not get down about being unattractive and undesirable.
Because of the very positive compliments I get from others, I know I'm not totally unattractive. But somehow when someone you hoped could be a lover isn't passionate and intimate, it hurts. Feeling like closing the door to relationship. Yet, I have a lot to offer and do believe I would be happier with a lover. Thanks for listening... comments welcome. Sometimes it helps to share the frustration and disappointment.
Aloha.
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I thought it was just lesbians who arrived on the second date with a U Haul truck full of their personal possessions. You guys are living together already?
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Yes, it is very frustrating and disappointing when somone we are attracted to
doesn't feel the same way about us. On the bright side, at least his feelings
aren't due to your having HIV, which is sometimes a bigger issue for those of
us who are poz. You deserve to have someone who is attracted to you.
And remember that this whole issue is really about him, *not* about you,
so there's no reason to be down on yourself.
People like what they like, and are attracted to who they are attracted to.
I'll never ceased to be amazed at some of the characteristics (physical, personality,
mental, financial, etc.) that people find attractive, but I suppose that is just
human nature. I can't help but wonder why your (now ex) boyfriend wasn't
honest with you up front about his penchant for dark-hair, dark-skinned men.
Anyone can see that you don't have those characteristics.
Personally, I suggest you re-think living with him as a roommate. I've been there
and done that before, and it generally just prolongs your disappointment and
frustration.
Regards,
Henry
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GMHR-
Having just suffered the stillborn arrival of a relationship that held such promise I can commiserate with you. But I wouldn't hazard any advice beyond not dwelling on words like "betrayal" or rejection". I have an especially nasty case of the shingles to prove my point.
Brent
(Who is not feeling witty this afternoon)
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Personally, I suggest you re-think living with him as a roommate. I've been there
and done that before, and it generally just prolongs your disappointment and
frustration.
I second that. I avoided that situation once while simultaneously living in the previous one. Lesson learned.
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Guys, you are all making me feel really guilty. My lot manager approached me and said there was someone else living in the park that has AIDS and is wanting to meet others that are gay. I asked who, then I advised her I knew him. He's very good looking and I said she could give him my number, I dated him thirty years ago. He called, and I told him I wasn't into having a relationship, sex or having anyone move in with me. I'm for being friends that can sit and talk about our issues, but I think he was expecting more out of me. I don't know if I was to blunt and foreward, but I do feel bad. Like I said he's very nice and very good looking. Maybe I'm to stubborn, or to independent. I know his feelings were hurt. But I don't know how to be any different than I am.
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Well, Rod....I dont see where YOU did anything wrong. You were being honest. Perhaps he wanted a roll in the hay and so you saved yourself the hassle of trying to eject him from your home.
modified to add: my current partner and I spent two fabulous years dating before moving in together. It was wonderful.
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GoodMatch:
You spend two months together being lovers and in that time you slowly realized he wasn't into your body type? He agreed to be in a lover relationship and let you know he wasn't into you..........at what point in the last two months?
So YOU allowed him to stay with you as a roommate but according to this posting of yours.......you'd really like him to be your lover as he's hot and sexy to your way of thinking. Is this the crux of it?
Yes? Then find yourself a roommate that you are certain is not "working" the situation. Why didn't he tell you from the beginning that you aren't his type? Is it because you were blinded with your own desire, or, did he seem eager enough--at first? Sheesh! Eject!
So why would you not be assured of your own self-image despite his opinion or wants? Don't look otherwise at yourself but positively (I didn't say egotistically)---especially in the case of this "cutie". Look!, you said it yourself: "I'd be happier with a lover."
my impressions, my comments,
Mike
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I'll move to Hawaii for a sexy built man in a slinky tank top, but I digress.
Sorry to hear it didn't work out. I enjoy the pleasures of latino men as well, but also white guys and of course the notorious muscular Evil Nigerian.
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Wow guys, thank you so much for your insightful responses and personal sharing.
Because we love each other on many levels it is repeatedly painful and difficult dealing with the reality of our erotic/sexual compatibility.
It does go deeper than first take. Today we got more clarity on our differences in erotic/sexual needs. He needs to feel romanced and loved and supported to feel comfortable having sex. I start feeling like nothing I do is enough to assure him and I get impatient wanting physical/sexual expression of love. I like to believe we can acknowledge our sexual/erotic incompatibilities and eliminate the sexual aspect of our friendship.
And continue to be friends..... I'm hearing that hasn't worked for others. It is really hard to let go of the positive aspects of what is working for us in friendship. Thank you again for your responses. And yes... I am open to exploring relationship that works for both.
I have a lot to offer. Warmest Aloha.
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GMHR,
I have a best friend of 22 years who started off as a non-cohabitating sex/love interest, but we couldn't get past a lot of what you seem to be experiencing now. Sex and intimacy are not interchangeable, neither are love and romance, neither are attraction and longing. We each finally recognized that we couldn't keep "going to the hardware store for milk," but we have continued to be the other's sharpest critic, most strident defender, and highest confidant through other relationships. I hope that you and your friend can find such peace.
David
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I enjoy the pleasures of latino men as well, but also white guys and of course the notorious muscular Evil Nigerian.
The "notorious muscular Evil Nigerian"?
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my ex-partner
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Phone rings:
Hello ...Ist Saint Louis Realty...this is Mona
Me: Hi Mona, I want to put my house up for sale immediately.
Mona: Why are you selling?
Me: I am moving to Hawaii and getting married there as soon as the house sells. So lets get cracking on it.
Mona: Well who is the lucky guy and where did you meet him?
Me: I havent met him yet but I read his ad on a web site and he wants a monogamous relationship with another pos man, who will be faithful. Besides he looks hot in his picture.
Mona: Well are you sure you want to get into a relationship with someone who is so far away? Besides what are you going to do for a living when you get there?
Me: Well he is a pretty successful man from what I read and I think he mentioned something about all I had to do was massage his therapist...first time I have heard it called that. Kinky huh?
Mona: Well what makes you think you will be compatible with him?
Me: Well he did mention something or other about being sexually compatible. But I figure that by the time the honey moon is over he will either be the most satified man sexually or I will be a new widow living in paradise.
Mona: I really think you should slow down. You know what usually happens when its just lust in the disguise of love. Remember the last two guys you fell in love with on the net and moved in with them so fast.
Me: Well now Mona dear its not my fault the first one died from eating poison mushrooms after only a month of wedded bliss.
Mona: And the second one?
Me: Again people just dont understand my passion to make my man happy and its not my fault he refused to eat the poison mushrooms. Besides, noone was able to prove a thing.
Mona: Ok but what makes you feel that he would be compatible with you both as a hubby and sexually?
Me: Mona, dear girl, at this point in my life he is everything I am looking for in a man.
Mona: And what would that be?
Me: He is cute and still breathing on his own.
Mona: Ok, if thats what you desire, I will start working on getting it sold as quick as I can.
Me: Thanks dear, I always appreciate your help and hard work in these matters. Bye now.
Mona: By dear.
Me: I hope he is the man for me, even if we dont really know each other well. Oh well, I guess if he isn't the one for me, I will just have to see how he feels about mushroom soup.
Pilot....who is looking for a monogamous relationship with someone who doesnt cook mushroom soup...
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I loathe mushroom soup.
Brent
(Who longs for the real deal)
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It depends how it's made.
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Most of the time, things (both good and/or bad) will play out to its end for lessons and actions to be taken. Let it come to you. It will be clear then. Meanwhile, just gotta be yourself.
Peace! ;)
Michael
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I thought it was just lesbians who arrived on the second date with a U Haul truck full of their personal possessions. You guys are living together already?
Oh. My. GOD. This was the funniest thing I have read/heard in a LOOOOOOONG time. I love lesbian jokes. Oh lord, that was a good laugh.
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You did the right thing! to be open an honset with him!!!!
Don't know if this is the page for it but Anyway's I've been HIV positive since November 2006 and since then I have not been with anyone except my right hand and the left.
Its not that I can't get it up thats not the problem. I'm just scared! I don't want to hurt anyone! I know all about the protection and all that but I just can't seem to get past the not wanting to hurt anyone.
My doc say's in time I will get over it. Hmmmmmm ok its been 9 mos LOL
just wanted to share this with you.
Oh I do have some good news!
2 weeks ago my T-cell count was 177 and my V-load was 62,500
Went to the Doctor today and my T-cell count is 350 and my V-load is 111
So its a good day for me :-)
May all of you have a Bless Day!!!!!!
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Oh yes befor I forget!!!!
JamieD your a cuttie :)
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Thank you. That's very nice of you to say.