Izzy1204

[Izzy1204]

I can't figure out if this is in the right place, but if not, administration please advise..
   I am a 50 y/o woman, recently  separated after 30 years. I met a man online  a month ago, we had protected  sex last week. Then on Nov 8th, we had unprotected  sex, however, he stopped himself from "finishing " there is zero risk of  pregnancy ,  and when I asked why he stopped, he said something stupid like "cause if I want to go down on you later, I don't want to taste myself"  just sounded foolish.
    Anyway , a bit of his history . .he was in prison for 16 years from a drug selling conviction in his early 20's, he was released 9 years ago...and is doing very well for himself. He was in maximum security in Jersey and I believe in Washington state. I asked if he was tested  for hiv and he says "every year, negative  " well, I asked him to take a test  from his local wagrees and he freaked out, but did go buy one. , I wanted to meet to make sure he took it correctly, and didn't just use water or something,  but he refused (we are a couple  hours apart) he said he would record it and send it the next morning he sent a pic of the negative  result, and a short video  which I couldn't really see much, and he said his phone  messed up and it stopped recording. So I can't verify he used his saliva .
    Some things he has said and done, all started to raise red flags, so I started online research...I know..I know..
    He mentioned when we first met he was in medical Marijuana  for years, to stimulate his appetite .  I asked what his diagnosis was for that, and he said just stress...also, the times we were together, he insisted on wearing socks,  and when I asked he said he has really dry feet.....the other night, when he slept over, it was  very warm, and I awoke and noticed he was sweating, but he wouldn't  take his socks off...I  didn't think much of it, as it was quite warm in the room for me also.
  I started to think of why he ejaculated in the condom easily, but chose not to without the condom. It just didn't add up.
   I wonder if it was his stupid way of not risking me as much?
   I called my dr.Friday AM. She says she didn't think I really had anything you worry about .  I am a healthy woman  and she didn't think one sexual encounter made me at a huge risk..
  But the more I think, the more I panic...I understand anyone who has unprotected  sex  with a new  partner is at a risk, no matter how small, but my question maybe is more towards the fact that does his behavior seem risky? I looked up appetite simulation ,  and the number 1 reason is hiv. Also 17% of maximum security prisoners get hiv in US.
  Just looked up late stage hiv symptoms, and toenail fungus is a big one, night sweats, and  also loss of appetite and weight  loss. He appears in good  health ,  is in  good shape, not too thin.  I am just freaking out. Also, he does have an occasional wet cough when I have seen him.
    I was diagnosed  with herpes  32 years ago, and have  break outs just occasionally .  Also , I am menopause, so was a bit dry,, and had some soreness the next day, like maybe some small vaginal tears.
    I am going  to get tested in a month, but I would live an honest opinion on what you think about the issues with this guy is. We are not speaking any any more .  I don't want anything  to do with him.
     I used to have  such a simple life......urgh...

[Jim Allen]

Hi

You are overthinking this, but unprotected intercourse is the primary transmission route, so the advice is to just test in 6 weeks and 13 weeks time.

His history or where he was from, what he did does not change this risk assessment. Its how you do it not who you do it with that creates a risk, HIV and STI's affect everyone from all walks of life.

Here's what you need to know in order to avoid hiv infection:
Use condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, correctly and consistently, every time, no exceptions.

Keep in mind that some sexual practices which may be described as ‘safe’ in terms of HIV transmission might still pose a risk for transmission of other STI's, so please do get fully tested regularly and at least yearly for all STI's including but not limited to HIV and test more frequently if unprotected intercourse occurs

Also note that it is possible to have an STI and show no signs or symptoms and the only way of knowing is by testing.

More information on HIV Basics, PEP, TaSP and Transmission can be found through the links in my signature to our POZ pages, this includes information on HIV Testing

Kind regards

Jim

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[Izzy1204]

I appreciate  your response. And I understand  the only way to know is yo get tested. I guess my thoughts are that I am hoping for some thoughts  on his behavior ?  I am not saying anyone should, or could diagnose him... but  I guess just if anyone could speak from experience . ...from everything I read this just sounds so late stage hiv, which makes my risk soooooo much higher!  I couldn't believe the jump in stats...

[Jim Allen]

Look you can not diagnosis someone by looking and this is 2017 not 1987. I'm living with AIDS and trust me I look nothing like the AIDS patients did in 1987.

well, I asked him to take a test  from his local wagrees and he freaked out, but did go buy one. , I wanted to meet to make sure he took it correctly, and didn't just use water or something,  but he refused (we are a couple  hours apart) he said he would record it and send it the next morning he sent a pic of the negative  result, and a short video  which I couldn't really see much, and he said his phone  messed up and it stopped recording. So I can't verify he used his saliva .

Even if he tested today all it means is he was negative some 3 months ago, no good to you. Worse yet, he could well be positive and showing negative if he is within the initial infection stage before testing picks up on the antibodies response.

from everything I read this just sounds so late stage hiv, which makes my risk soooooo much higher!

Actually during the initial infection stage someone is estimated to be 25 x more likely to transmit the virus if there is an exposure and its the most risky stage.

Look I think you are overthinking things, you had a single exposure and should test to confirm however despite the need to test there is no reason to panic or worry about it.

My advice is to use condoms going forward, in the meantime test as per guidelines for HIV and easier to transmit STI's.

Jim

[Izzy1204]

Thank you  for the info, Jim. I guess like everyone  else here, I am just terrified . I certainly  have educated myself  and learned my lesson for sure!

[Jim Allen]

You're welcome.