Rejection

[Mycroft]

Hello. I'm new to this forum but could use some sage advice.
My partner (30) and I (50) have been living together (church housing) for nearly a year. He was diagnosed hiv+ right before we met. I'm a Lutheran priest and professor, and not unfamiliar with counseling people, but I'm totally blind to my own situation.
I love him and have done everything I can to help him - get insurance, a job, a stable home and family (3 full time kids).  He says he loves me and I so want to believe him.
But, he lives in the guest room - we had sex 3 times and it was clear he hated it. He has many reasons which feel like excuses - "you're a priest", "the kids", "my HIV", and "I just don't like sex".
Yet, he has cheated on me twice (saying he needed to see if it was sex in general or me). He says it was a disaster and that he realized he just doesn't like sex. I forgave him and took him back. On the other hand, before I met him he was quite promiscuous (claiming 70 in one month!)
He gave up alcohol (a problem) in February and we have gone to counseling since then. But there's been no progress, merely lots of talk and no action.
I totally want sex/intimacy/love, but he says he hates sex. He always claims "it's not you - I find you very attractive - it's me".
My libido is suffering after being celibate for a year. It's so frustrating.
I have no idea if I need to be patience and caring, or whether I'm being conned and need to break up.
We've talked it to death, but nothing changes.
He sleeps in the guest room, shows almost no affection, and hates for anyone to even touch him. It's ok if he initiates it, but neither the kids nor I are allowed to touch him in a non-sexual way, let alone me sexually. 
Two therapists have met with us and neither can get past all his anger and resentment.
Any advice for those with more experience with asexual serodiscordancy?
Many thanks.

[Jim Allen]

Hi

Look nobody can tell you what to do or not, but I will tell you what I would do.

Leave the relationship. Obliviously your partner has problems and yes being supportive is part of a relationship however besides all of that it seems to me to something fundamentally wrong here, he is a taker in life and that part is simply not going to change - ever!

He cares about what he wants and feels and gets out of the relationship and not about you, he might say he does but his actions say otherwise. I would be out the door or i would be putting him out the door as it sounds like he is staying with you.

That is what i would be doing, end of the day its up to you as its your life.
Whatever happens I wish you both the best.

Jim

 

[mecch]

I don't understand how the kids figure in this story.  Whose kids are they and what is their legal relationships to the man you are talking about.

I don't see how this has much to do with HIV by the way.  Though from what you say he WAS using it as some kind of excuse for lack of sex but now he has moved on to claiming that he is asexual.

[Mycroft]

The kids are mine from previous marriage. 
I came on this forum for wisdom from those with HIV. He used to use sex to get whatever he wanted. Then he got HIV a year ago. He says he feels broken and diseased, and that his emotions were too much (fear, anger, anxiety) so he somehow shut them all off. With that, he says his libido is totally gone - that he hasn't even masturbated in a year.
I wonder (from talking and from therapy) if he was molested or raped (he owns that he was as an adult).
My HIV question is: For those within 1 year of diagnosis, is a total shut-down of sex at all typical?
If so, I want to be patient and nurturing.
Or, he might just be stringing me along as a sugar daddy while saying it's a relationship.
Yesterday, he signed me up for Grindr & scruff. I've enjoyed the round-about intimacy of doing that together (strangely), though it feels silly to search for imitations of what I already have at home - but cannot touch. Secretly, I've been hoping this might trigger something in him that would open him up to intimacy. We'll see.

[CaveyUK]

When I was diagnosed, my gf was desperate for sex as soon as we were back from the clinic! I did decline that, for obvious reasons although her heart was in the right place as she didn't want it to become a 'thing'.

It didn't become a 'thing' and we have regularly had sex since then, dropping the condoms some time after I was UD and in all honesty? The best sex I've ever had.

I'm sure there are some who have psychological issues in this area following diagnosis, but it's certainly not across the board.

I'm with Jim I think here. It sounds like your partner is using HIV for an excuse really.

Being in a relationship and knowing your partner wants sex, and you are more than capable of having it, but choose to remain celibate...well, you know that the relationship won't last under those circumstances. There has to be some give and take, and it sounds like your partner is doing all the taking here.

[Wade]

I'm a 62 year old man...If I had a 30 something gay man in the next room feeding me that bull he'd be out the door.

This is just my opinion mind you, but i think your suspicions are correct.
You are being used as a sugar daddy, which is no good for you or your kids.
I think you know what needs done painful as it might be.
Wishing you the best with everything.

Wade

[mecch]

Mycroft - he could be traumatised and/or feel broken and diseased with HIV.  He would need to actively fight to get back to normal feeling. If I were his partner I would encourage therapy or whatever it takes. For me it took participating in this forum but that was a decade ago when there were hundreds of posts a day and many ongoing conversations about everything, and not just hiv.  So if he needs to just experience it is normal by being with HIV+ people he would need a local group of some sort. 

If he's not doing anything a year after diagnosis to adjust - he might be seriously depressed.


On the other hand - my gut agrees with others here. Anyway its a dysfunctional relationship now, so you have to move it somewhere somehow.  Can't stay like this and also signing YOU up for cruise aps is 50% a gross action. I guess he's thinking about your needs, but come on....   Sounds like a fait accompli - you won't be getting any from him - thats the deal he is giving you.  You accept that?

[Mycroft]

Thank you for the advice. At first I got excited about his offer of grindr and a one-way open relationship. Yet, when it came time for an actual hook-up I backed out. I'm just not good at separating love/sex/affection. I've done hookups and always left feeling empty - fantasy and reality clashed.
I pondered it and realized I was doing a couple things (sneaky subconscious!). 1: I was hoping he might get jealous and come off the fence. That was manipulative. 2: I was hoping he would create my profile so I could find out what he finds attractive in me (the Ego is even sneakier than the subconscious!).
In any event, neither worked. Now just as frustrated and depressed as before.
I had such high expectations of myself and him. I thought I would be able to practice what I preach - that I could forgive and move on past the former lying, cheating, and gaslighting. I over estimated my ability. And, I hoped he would grow and open himself to intimacy. He is growing, but some wounds are obviously too deep and ingrained to be overcome that quickly.
Now, we are off to therapy. Perhaps that will bring more light than heat! Or, a different kind of heat!  'Hope springs eternal... dammit'