POZ Community Forums
Meds, Mind, Body & Benefits => Mental Health & HIV => Topic started by: Ellecram on July 08, 2008, 08:01:27 pm
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My brother (his name is Matt) attempted suicide for the third time 2 weeks ago. He has AIDS Hep C and severe mental health issues. SOmetimes he was OK sometimes not.
This is his third attempt and the worst one by far. The other attempts were in 2004 and 2005 and were not as bad, although the 2005 involved an ingestion of over 100 Seroquel. It's a drug that can make you extremely tired. I still don't know how he survived that one. He was on Life Support then but recovered rather quickly. This time things are going to be changed drastically.
This time it was absolutely the worst.
That Sunday morning 2 weeks ago my elderly father (82) discovered his bloodied body in a chair in the basement - He called me in a panic saying "Matt's Dead Come Quick" and I called 911. Now I wish I had waited - perhaps he would have died and we would have been spared this evolving nightmare. It took me an hour or more to find a company to clean and decontaminate the basement as Matt had AIDS and Hep C. That was a real insult that no one was able to readily provide me with that information in the middle of a crisis and expected me to clean up the mess myself.
He was taken by Life Flight to a Hospital where he has been on/off Life Support. It now looks like he will be taken to a nursing home.
He had a massive stroke and brain damage from the blood loss - he carved up his arms on the inside of the elbows and the wrists and took an overdose. He also had stopped taking his HIV meds at the end of May (I just figured this out). He had been telling people odd things like he would not be seeing them when they came back from trips and such.
Right now there is no guarantee what functioning he will regain. He has no gag reflex although he did seem to try to be speaking the second visit I made. Not much made sense - just gurgling - it is pitiful - his right side is gone too. His arms look like Frankenstein. They are inserting a feeding tube as well. He did seem to recognize me and my cousin.
My cousins think that the more people who visit the more he may be able to "emerge" from the darkness. Maybe so. A few have been supportive but I really have no one to help much as I need. I am gathering help from as many sources as I can find.
I am just so deeply grief stricken that I am really not much help this time with anyone's needs.
It's a heavy heavy burden to wake up to every day. And there's no outcome guaranteed at this point.
And then more started coming to light last week - this is the real punch to the gut.
Unknown to my dad, Matt must have opened up credit cards in my dad's name and charged stuff out of control so that my dad is pretty much screwed. Much of it was for that ridiculous outstanding legal stuff from 20 years ago in Boston that needed resolved. He had fled Massachusetts after a couple DUI's and some other mischief. Then a warrant was put out on him in 2005 and they were going to stop his Social Security payments - that generated his second suicide attempt.
I had no idea how much money these attorney fees were. Matt never asked me to sort it out. We could have got a loan or something. Now I find out that there is nearly $20,000.00 on five different cards (at least). I am trying to do a credit report - so far his credit seems OK but I don't know what to do next.
My dad is now destitute and has little money to get the help he needs. We do have a free attorney consultation from the Area Agency on Aging AAA .
I am trying to figure out what to do but getting sicker and sicker. I mean I can only handle so much. I have officially reached my limit.
People around me are telling me do this do that but it all sounds like gobbleygook - I can't even understand them.
This is the worst nightmare I have ever had and I have had some bad ones.
I am Now Desperate. I am not suicidal or anything but I just wish I could die. Then my life insurance money would take care of this mess. Funny thing is I did get very ill this week and landed in the ER with a urinary tract infection with liver complications.
I can't even muster up the energy to sort thru the files at his house. They are all just dumped on a pile. Credit card bills are coming in and I don't know what to do with them. I had no idea he was being so irresponsible with money. This puts Matt's actions in a clearer light.
I am so mad at Matt for this final insult that I cannot visit him. He has put me in a rotten and undeserved situation. I am just able to sit in a chair and stare right now. I will eventually get over it - I always do.
I have never had money situations like this. I have always lived within my limited income. I don't know what he was thinking.
There's a bigger picture here amid my own personal struggle.
I really want to try and get this story out there in the public - it's a prime example of untreated mental illness combined with being gay combined with serious physical ailments combined with a rigid and inflexible beaurocracy that could not see fit to treat the shit that happened 20 years ago a little differently than as if it had happened now.
After nearly 4 years of legal battles and countless money - Matt did get his Social Security payments reinstated - but he was to lose his drivers license for a year and that he could not handle. That is what drove him to desperate means to keep these attorneys at it - with appeals, etc. He needed to be able to get to Pgh to get his AIDS and Hep C treatments. And because of his mental health issues and paranoia he could not handle Aire Ride. I was willing to take him and had already taken him once in June . We would have made it work for a year. Ian was going to drive him as well.
So - two weeks after his license expired Matt tucked in his 82 year old father and asked him if he needed anything before he retired for the night. Then he went into the basement of his father's home - the home where he grew up - sat in an old recliner and tried to take his life. His blood seeped into the cement floor where he used to play with shoe boxes of old plastic cars and GI Joes and Barbie Dolls.
Upstairs an old man slept in another equally old recliner thinking that tomorrow would be just like every other Sunday -
Anyways - If any of you have any suggestions please let me know. I wish I knew ways to raise money thru having auctions/dances/etc. but that's beyond my realm of expertise. Are there any organizations that would help with funds for Matt's outstanding bills?
I am pursuing help thru my dad's bank right now but since he is 82 I don't know if can get a loan. It's just so pitiful. Matt has no income as his Social Security is now shut off because he has been in the hospital so long.
I hope this does not sound whiny or crazy but I am just rambling with my sentences and thoughts right now......
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Ellecram, the only thing I would suggest is talking to a lawyer about the whole mess. See if there's any legal aide where you live. The thing about the credit cards being in your dad's name..... I'm assuming your dad's on social security. I know this sounds like desperate measures, but hey-credit cards can't touch social security checks. At least not disability ones and I'm assuming not retirement ones. Ask social security about that to double-check, as I might be wrong. But if I'm not wrong, your dad won't have to pay them back. It might mess up his credit, but he's 82 right?
I am so sorry about Matt's situation, but one thing you said struck me as odd and that was about "untreated mental illness combined with being gay..." Being gay has nothing to do with this. There are many gay men who don't do the things Matt does. Does Matt have a power-of-attorney? It sounds like he needs one. If you can't do it, then don't. But try to find someone who can who will handle his affairs for him, as it sounds like he's really incapable of that.
And take care of yourself. Get some professional help. It's unfortunate that your brother did what he did. I've attempted suicide myself, but not to that extent. It wears alot on families, that I do know. I'll be keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers, seriously.
Luv,
Betty
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Wow, This is a horrible situation all around to welcome you to the forums.
I'm glad you're reaching out and encourage you to seek as much support and assistance for you and your father thru this ordeal. I strongly suggest you consider therapy or counseling to help you deal with the shock and circumstances. I wish you to be at your best to effectively manage the grief and tragedy.
Unless you or your father co-signed for those cards or any of your brother's debts, you are NOT responsible for any of them. Its seems like a case of fraud that your brother created. I strongly advise you NOT TO TAKE ANY RESPONSIBILITY for your brother's action, debts, or future bills. Sign nothing obligating you to anything. It seems unlikely your brother had any assets for creditors to go after. The scheduled attorney consultation hopefully will confirm this or advise you well.
Betty's right and from your story, your brother needed help for a long time. I doubt with his mental/medical issues, he had any legal papers to deal with any of this if he became incompacitated such as durable/medical power of attorney [as in a living will], legal power of attorney, or last will and testament upon his death.
it's a sad and heavy burden for your family right now. What a terrible tragedy which has little to do with HIV or his sexuality and more to do with your brother's troubled life.
Hang in there and wish you comfort during this time.
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Betty - I apologize if I came across that way - I never meant to imply that his gayness had anything to do with his mental health.
They were separate issues - the mental health issues were severe and untreated because he was fearful and paranoid. There's so much to his personality that was awful - he was violent and aggressive - beat me up several times.And my mom and dad too. But the fact that he was gay had nothing to do with all that. It just made his being gay much more difficult. My parents were never totally happy about it but they accepted it and my father pretty much gave him everything he had to give.
But many people in the past could not separate the things. THey saw it as all one thing - Especially the bigoted ones. I hope I cleared that up.
I am both of their power of attorneys and have to make decisions with stuff. I am going to be very careful. Did not know about the social security stuff.
I have always been as supportive of him as I can within reason - as much as he has hurt me in th past - physically and emotionally. So I will see that he gets into a decent nursing home.
Thank you both for your suggestions - I appreciate it. Grateful for every shred of knowledge.
Elle
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DEAR ELLE ,
your in my prayers !
BUT how anyone can say " HIV or being QUEER " has nothing to do with this awful tragedy must be an idiot !
HIV ruins our lives , and you hide where your from , so expect that you are afraid of repercussions of this whole thing !
too bad !
Your brother needed help and nobody would help .
Social Security does NOT stop if you are in the hospital ! GOD forbid we'd all be in big freaken trouble if that were the case !
also Social Security can NOT be garnished !
and WHY would you be responsible for your brothers BILLS ? something is wrong with that storey !
I feel sorry that you wish you had let your brother die ! , you are NOT GOD , you are a loving sister ,with way to much
on your platter ! I hope things work out . but ,they may not .
I know it is often easier to think " death " would be easier , but when WE think like this , WE are NOT in our right mind !
I have NO local support from family , they think ," just take your pills " and shut up !
I almost did what your brother did just this past Sunday !
BECAUSE I felt unloved and unsupported !
Please do the best you can , and if at all possible learn something from it !
reading your storey has helped my point of view .
If you help just one of us from doing something deadly
you have performed a good deed ,and bless you
Karl
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Karl - I am so sorry you are feeling so awful - please hold onto your life. Things can get better - maybe not right away, but they can and they will.
So much of our lives are intertwined - you are right that having HIV and being gay creates a lot of stress because of the way some people perceive it. So people do hide and are afraid. I do understand that. It's a tragedy in itself that people feel they have to live that way.
I am grateful to have posted - I did not realize that it might help but I see how it could. I was pretty emotional when I posted last. Things are calming down a bit.
I hope you do not do anything to harm yourself. My prayers are with you and may you find some peace.
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DEAR ELLE ,
your in my prayers !
BUT how anyone can say " HIV or being QUEER " has nothing to do with this awful tragedy must be an idiot !
HIV ruins our lives , and you hide where your from , so expect that you are afraid of repercussions of this whole thing !
too bad !
Those are some sweeping generalizations bud.
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Those are some sweeping generalizations bud.
Agreed.
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Actually these are very broad generalizations - some of which did have an impact on the way my brother perceived his world.
But more than having HIV or being gay and his perceptions of how people viewed him - he had severe mental illness that he refused to treat appropriately and things spiraled out of control.
One of the worst things that went untreated and unknown to me until he told me in 2001 was the fact that he was raped by an uncle when he was 11.
Sexual abuse of a child creates a terrible long lasting injury - especially if it is not talked about and dealt with. I suspect that there was more than just the one time - abuse victims have such a hard time telling people because of the shame and guilt they hold onto. I strongly urged him to see someone and process this - but he never did.
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Elle,
How are things going now for you and family? Can you update us on your brother? It's a awful tragedy with horrible results.
Sexual abuse/assault extracts a heavy toll no matter what age. This I know very well. It's so sad about Matt's history and experiences and the consequences affecting your family. I wish you much peace and solace in dealing with this. - YaKaMein
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YaKa - Thank you for asking. It has been an incredible strain - although my own medical conditions are not particularly significant they cause extreme pain and limit my mobility. I am on a fentanyl patch for the pain and it seems to be working well and I take clonopin for anxiety. It holds me together for now.
Matt is still hospitalized and has not regained a lot of functioning. His next step will be a nursing home but they cannot locate one because no facility wants to take him because of his psychiatric issues. I have no idea where he will end up. It's just a terrible situation for everybody.
I am struggling to plow thru the messes he left for my elderly dad and try to arrange for his care - which is incredibly draining as many of you know who are in the same boat with aging parents.
Elle
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Ellecram,
I lost both my parents between August of last year to March of this year. I understand there's a certain toll taken when dealing with elderly parents.
I hope you can find a location for Matt. I wonder, have you talked to your local Aids Service Organization? I was thinking maybe they could recommend a place, or at least know of one.
I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts.
Peace,
Betty
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Betty - Thank you. It is hard to deal with the loss of parents - I lost my mother when I was very young - some 25 years ago. My father is 82 and his decline, though natural, has an added emotionality brought on by Matt's issues.
I did try his Aids treatment social worker who recommended some places but they too cannot take him due to the psychiatric issues.
I did talk to his nurse last evening and he is making some progress with communicating - pointing and nodding his head - but speech is not returning yet and his right side is useless.
It is SO SAD - I can't deal with seeing how he has destroyed himself. At some level he wanted to die so badly and now to be brought back to this - I feel guilty because I am the one who called 911. I know - irrational guilt. But I did have a part in this - and I cannot find a living will of his anywhere - so he will have to endure whatever the medical treatment and recovery brings to him. I just hope it is good and enough to grant him some kind of life quality. The nurse did say he was laughing ..... that in itself is a great thing.
Elle
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I did try his Aids treatment social worker who recommended some places but they too cannot take him due to the psychiatric issues.
I did talk to his nurse last evening and he is making some progress with communicating - pointing and nodding his head - but speech is not returning yet and his right side is useless. quote
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No offense, but it sounds like he will not recover enough to be able throw a tantrum....isnt it possible to have a doctor certify him elegible for a hospice?
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No offense taken - I had actually thought about the hospice idea - and I too do not think he will regain his former level of psychiatric tantruming. But I was told that once a person is "targeted" as a psyche patient that identification does not go away - ever. Makes no sense to me.
I think I will try to push the hospice issue.
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I think I will try to push the hospice issue.
Good luck Ellecram. Please let us know how it goes.
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Thank you Betty - Elle
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Elle,
Sucha an emotional tug. I hope you're taking care of yourself also, maybe some counseling in the mix. You did what most would do you. Don't beat yourself up.
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Thank you Yaka - I wish I had the luxury to have therapy right now - I have to work out a second part time job first so I can afford it. I am a social worker so I know the basics - of course I realize I cannot do my own therapy but I do have some thought stopping and self calming skills to use in a pinch until I can get hooked up with a good therapist. It is really the hardest thing I have yet gone thru and I have gone thru some difficult things.
All the best to you and everyone here - thank you for your support.
Elle
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Elle, my therapist has a PhD in psychology, has been doing therapy for years, and has his own therapist. I do hope you're able to access one soon, though I know the social service field isn't the highest paying one. Take care of yourself, please.
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You are right about that - I don't make a very good living - even with a masters degree - not a high paying field. But I am too old and too far into it to change.
I do hope to get a therapist soon - lord knows I need one.
Thanks you.
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Just wanted to update folks here - my brother died on October 1, 2008 after a long period of time in the hospital and a nursing home.
But prior to that - on August 31st - my son was killed in a car accident. It was partly intentional. And partly related to my brother's situation - the complexities are too difficult to articulate right now.
So - now I have lost my only child (son) and my only sibling - my dear brother.
Just last week I had to put my father in a personal care home. He is 82 and I could not see him declining physically and emotionally all alone in his home. My brother used to live with him and my son was also a big help. Me - I am a walking fog these days.
What a horrible few months it has been.
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((((((Ellen))))))
I was afraid when I opened this thread that you were going to tell us your brother was gone - but how horrible for you that you also lost your son! I'm so very sorry - please accept my condolences.
I'd like to invite you to post a memorial thread in our In Memoriam (http://forums.poz.com/index.php?board=24.0) forum.
Wishing you strength and peace,
Ann
xxx
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Elle -- I am so very sorry for the losses you have sufferred. I can't imagine dealing with so much tragedy. You seem to me to have a remarkable inner strength and love for others that will help pull you through these times.
Thank you for posting this update. I wish I could give you much more than a cyber hug. Do you have good friends to rely on?
Peter
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Elle,
To say that you've been through a lot in the past few months is an understatement. I'm sorry to hear about your brother, and son, and father. I hope your other family members and friends can help you through this.
Hugs,
Henry
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Elle,
Wow. I am so very sorry about all of your losses you've suffered so recently, and close together. I know your brother struggled with emotional distress for a long time, but it doesn't make the hurt any less. And you son's death also, I'm so, so sorry. I'm also sorry about the declining health of your father, but I'm glad he's getting taken care of.
You truly are an inspiration to me about how to handle difficulties; you do it with grace. Much peace is wished to you.
Luv,
Betty
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Dear Elle,
Your story just made me choke... you seem to have been bashed by life in the worst possible way.
Your brother may now be where he wanted to be, as he saw his life as being meaningless and worthless.
But your son being killed in an accident must have really smashed every grain of faith in life in you.
i am so shocked... and I wished I could hug you, as that is the only thing I could think of doing right now.
I hope you find the strength to go on.. and please do write about your grief here. We are family, after all.
Hermie
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Thank you all for your messages. I appreciate them all. I am just barely making it these days. I hope it gets better.
Thank you again - Marcelle
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I am really saddened by all this loss and hardship you have gone through.
I wish you hope and strength and love. {{{{Elle}}}}
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I am so sorry to read about the tragedy concerning your brother and the heartache you and your family are enduring. I truly wish you the best and hope you will be able to find the strength make it through. Please know that I extend best hopes and prayers to you.
Take care.