POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: LoriTomatoe on November 27, 2006, 08:24:35 pm
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I want to do everything perfect. I want things to be good and wonderful for her. I love her with all of my being and want to do only what is best. I am an activist, supporter and a message sender to any and all who will listen about the truth of HIV/AIDS. I want to hear from any and all of you what you believe you would have wanted or want. She is 4 years old. Undetectable and healthy. She is and has been on medication since birth. Thank you to all of you. Faith and Hope is what it is.
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I don't have any children, but everything I've read regarding having to spring major news on kids like that says that you always mention it around them... so they never don't know.
I think that might be less traumatic... wouldn't she notice even as a kid anyway that she has to go to the doctor more than her friends... maybe have to take medication? And if you spring it on her when she's a bit older, she might react in an unhealthy way by not taking meds or getting depressed.
I don't mean to talk out of my butt here... but I think always talking about it... and letting her know as early as possible would avoid the major shock that would come later.
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Hi Lori,
Aupointillimite, has a valid point where it comes to letting her know as early as possible. In this situation, it is a very delicate matter that is being addressed.
In all reality, there is really no specific time that you should tell her. What may be considered is her level of understanding on the situation with her health.
When the time comes when she will ask you about her health, that may be a more appropriate time to tell her about it.
I wish you the BEST on this decision that is to be made.
Make the BEST of each Day!
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No, you are not talking out of your butt....LOL. I appreciate everyones thoughts. My adopted son takes meds for other reasons also, so in her mind we all take our "Vitamins" twice a day. That is what I have called them. but now she will be entering that age, as you said, where she will notice going to ther Dr. more and so on. I just don't want other kids, teachers or anyone judging her or thinking negatively about her because she truly is a ray of sunshine and the happiest child I have ever seen. Thanks again for all of your replies. I think I will address it more when she becomes more inquisitive about why she has to take that stuff, and what kind of vitamins are they.
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I know... it's an extremely delicate subject... my little brother and sister are now 9 and 7, and they're getting to that "understanding discretion" age... which I do think would be incredibly important.
It's really horrible when stigma affects the way parents have to relate to their children. I wish you nothing but the best!
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Lori the suggestion made by aupoint sounds like the probable best approach, and hopefully there are others on here that can provide further guidance from their perspectives/experiences.
I'm an information hoarder so I'd probably contact a group like the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation and see if they can hook you up with other parents or psychologists that have gone through this and know the practices that work best when dealing with such a delicate situation.
Best of luck to you and most admiration for providing a loving home for a child living with HIV.
Mikey
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I definitely think you should tell her but my question is she is only 4, maybe it's just me but I think that is a little soon. At this point she doesn't expect anything is amiss because everyone takes their vitamins as you say. I think you should wait til she gets a little older because for adults, it is hard to handle, and am not sure a 4 yr old could truly grasp the situation. I say let her go on enjoying being a child. But the decision is yours, of course. Good Luck.
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I think I will address it more when she becomes more inquisitive about why she has to take that stuff, and what kind of vitamins are they.
Hi Lori,
That sounds like a very wise plan, and the least traumatic for your daughter.
Daniel
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Hi Lori,
My daughter is 13, and while she is not positive, she's known about HIV since she was 10 months old. During the first years, it was an explanation that daddy was sick and needs to take medications. Then it became a blood infection that hurts his immune system, so she'd be aware of how to help should there be blood involved in any household accidents.
As she got older, and in elementary school, she did have a 'slip' and tell her best friend's family that her mom and dad have HIV. She learned from that experience (such a damned young age too) that discretion is best. Because her best friend's family nearly stopped her from coming over.
As for telling your daughter, you will know when the time is right. Also, ask the pediatrition when they think is the right time to tell her. I would do as others have suggested, and make mention in her presence about how she's got an illness that requires medication, so she's not surprised when she finally learns the truth.
Good luck.
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Hi Lori!
There is a Spainsh article about that subject. It is called "being born with HIV". I am going to post you the link. Maybe you can tranlate it by using a good transalation program or maybe you speak a bit of Spanish.
Parents usually tell their children when they are 12 years old and till then they say meds are supplements for anemia...Hope this helps and here goes the link:
http://www.educacionenvalores.org/article.php3?id_article=748
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Hello, welcome :)
you might find some useful ideas here - CHIVA's info on talking to children with hiv about their health:
http://www.bhiva.org/chiva/protocols/supportdocs/talking-with-children.pdf (http://www.bhiva.org/chiva/protocols/supportdocs/talking-with-children.pdf)
kate
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when do you tell the children? ........Start now!!
How do you tell the children? You nurture thier knowledge of HIV the same way you nurture thier knowledge of anything else, such as school, math, music, etc. It's not a "one time deal". You dont just sit the kids down and tell em, and be done with it. You teach the in layers, appropriate to thier age. and you continue to teach them. As they grow, so should thier knowledge of HIV. Whther the particular kid has it or not, all kids now a days need to be educated on HIV, because at the rate it is going now, most children will grow up to know hiv, whether it be through thier own diagnosis, or someone they know. Already this year, 2.9 million people have died of Aids. Every 8 seconds, there's a newly infected person.
It makes no sense to me, after 25 years, of this even more will die from this, in record numbers than the eighties, before "Our Leaders", "the powers that be" or whatever label you want to give them, will actually do something about this disease. Until then, we are left on our own. We take 12 years to teach kids things they will use in the real world, to succeed at what.....money and politics. Yet, the least amount of educational effort is given to something like HIV, education that if administered accurately with pertinent information ...will save thier lives. Sure, we have better meds than what we had in the beginning, but THAT's the only thing that has drastically changed. The mortality rate steadily increases, right along with the infection rate.
I have a 5 year old, that started learning about "daddy's HIV" when she was 3, almost 4. She dont comprehend technical terms and explanations, but she understands what she sees in her Dad. But as she grows so has her knowledge, they understand more than most adults will give them credit for.
I've done public speaking in my community to people of all ages, can tell you an instance when i was talking to youth, and opened the floor for questions....a young 10 yr old boy used this termanology when he asked his question..."Can you get HIV from a blowjob" I was floored at what the kids knew at that age, so i stepped up my game, you have to stay one step of ahead of everyone to effectively educate about HIV, for the simple reason 25 years of society's opinions and response to HIV, for every one person that stands up to tell the truth about HIV, theres a handful that think otherwise* One more thing that hasnt changed after 25 years....the patients with HIV, are still teaching the DOCTORS/Scientists
In closing my kids have learned an abundance of HIV education, since my diagnosis. I teach em to Be Real, Be Ready, and Be Aware....and that they are, yours can be too*
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AIDS2HIV,
I agree with you.. somewhat. Telling my four year old that daddy has an illness would be a little different than telling her she has it. It's not as easy as just taking the stance of "Start Now!!".
Lori,
I have no insight into this situation. While being a father myself I could not fathom having this discussion with my 4 year old. That's not to say you shouldn't because truth be told you should. I just know it would be difficult. You have been given some great advice here and I am sure you will be able to handle this correctly. I just want you to know that you have my admiration for adopting a child that many others would have declined to take. She is a very lucky child to have you and I can tell you feel just as lucky to have her.
I wish you the best Lori and goodluck.
Thomas
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knowledge is power....regardless of age, or circumstance*
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"knowledge is power....regardless of age, or circumstance*"
Eldon is that you?
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nope, im not eldon. I'm just a man with aids, that has made some changes in his community with HIV education. You can find out more about me at my website
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Lori, thanks for bringing up this heavy duty question.
In general I think it's good to be guided by a child's questions. When your daughter brings up a question like when she notices she's going to the doctor and what's it for, answer only what she asks and keep it very simple.
You definitely don't have to cover the subject in one fell swoop. If you try to do that you'll both be overwhelmed and she probably won't get it anyway.
A lot depends on you sorting out your own feelings about this task of parenting, your own thoughts and fears and everything else. The clearer you get about that, the better able you will be to handle talking about it with her at the appropriate pace. You can talk with a professional yourself and/or with someone you're close to whom you respect.
You being at peace as much as possible will convey to your daughter that she's ok, that she's safe and being take care of. That's very important. As she gets older she will have more questions and concerns. By beginning with a simple, solid and truthful approach, you will have created a solid basis for trust on her part.
Please keep us posted on how this is going.
Parenting is damn hard. But oh, the rewards are worth it.
Cheers,
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I just want to say....Wow. I am humbled and grateful for such wonderful advice. I will read and re-read this many times. This has helped me more than any website or support group/organization so far. God bless you all. Lori