My Father

[ImisstheOldTimes]

My father was born in 1946, he grew up with a strong work ethic and believed in, "living your life with as few regrets as possible." He was married to my mother for 38.5 years.

You know how when you go to the gas pumps many of us try to make a nice round number but often we go a few cents over? My family thought he might pass on his 66 birthday... A nice round number as he always loved round number. It didn't matter if it was a gas pump or rounding a tip to a dollar value . He went over by a day... Perhaps up in heaven, he's like..CRAP! One over

He had four children, myself being the youngest and six grandchildren. He had many friends and coworkers who loved and respected his intelligence, love for God, and compassion for humanity. He will be sorely missed. As he passed, despite what was dying from which was several infections caused by his low immune system due to AIDS. If I could relate one thing to anyone reading this is: if you think or you have acted in any risky behavior that could lead to an HIV+ status, PLEASE GET TESTED! It is better to know, and get treated because wonderful meds are available, then to get diagnosed too late to even start them. My fathers diagnosis and death were in a month of each other. He believed there was no way he could get this being a senior citizen... HIV/ AIDS is NOT a disease that is discriminator of race, sex, sexual preference, or social/ financial status. It is a mean, vicious awful disease that robs people of so much.

I love my father, I always will, he was a hero to me.

Much love always,
Heidi

[forrest]

Nice tribute to your dad Heidi   

[ImisstheOldTimes]

I really miss my dad. I keep reading other threads and other stories of others to kind of deal with the amount of sadness I am experiencing. I don't know how to deal with it at times, it's so surreal, like anytime he'll come through the door just like old times. I miss the old times

[MarkB]

Heidi

Thank you for your post about your father: eloquent and memorable, it is a worthy tribute to him, and to the kindness and love which he showed to others and received from them in such measure.

Every grief is uniquely personal; and however well intentioned, others' thoughts and comments at such a time can run the risk of sounding hollow or crass, so please forgive me if I intrude. The reality is that though all of us will at some point be bereaved, we live in a society which by and large doesn't know how to deal with bereavement. In our focus on life and vitality, we would simply prefer not to think about it until it happens; and the fact that loss and grief have no timetable or schedule is something we often forget. You wrote:

I don't know how to deal with it at times, it's so surreal, like anytime he'll come through the door just like old times.

I suspect that anyone who has lost someone they love will be able to identify with what you are feeling. It does indeed seem surreal; incomprehensible, almost. How could this person who was so interwoven with my whole life suddenly not be there? There must be some mistake: surely he'll come through the door any minute now? And perhaps it's those moments, when your guard is down, when you feel it the most. That tune he liked; the places you used to go together; someone in the crowd whose smile reminds you of him ...

All our griefs are different, and yet in some ways so very much alike. For me the experience of bereavement has been a bit like the ebb and flow of the tide: there are days when you can struggle on; and, as time goes by, you even learn to function effectively enough. And yet there are other times when, without warning, it all comes flooding back and the memories overwhelm you. But that is not wrong. That is real: that is what grief is, and how it takes you. Expect that to happen, and remember to be gentle with yourself.

Society doesn't understand grief, and it doesn't allow time for it, so you must make time for yourself: time to grieve, either alone or with others who knew and loved your Dad. There will, of course, always be those who have platitudes at the ready, but you get used to them (although I often wanted to say to those who told me that "time is a great healer" that they obviously don't know much about time!).

In one sense, no - grief doesn't "get better"; but you do, perhaps, get better at it. You do find ways of carrying on. And in the carrying on, you will also carry forward what he meant to you and who he was, because if nothing can bring the old times back, it's also true that nothing can ever take them away.

I don't and can't know how it is for you, but in my case I came to understand that grief is a part of love. Although it may not feel like it now, the raw intensity of its suffering does eventually lessen, though not soon; and it may be that you will find that what you are left with is love, and gratitude, and many, many gifts that he gave to you and which you in your turn can give to others, in memory of him.



/... edited for typos.

[ImisstheOldTimes]

Thank you Mark, you're statement was touching and means a lot.

[daddysgirl87]

i know this is an older post but im sorry to hear about your father. i recently lost my daddy too. july 26th 2012. he was hiv/aids+ for about 17 yrs and almost made it to 50 but sommething happened and he took his own life... i dont know how to deal with this and could use some advise. i am shutting things and people out because i am in so much pain i feel like this isnt real or isnt my life any more. i love my dad so much and dont kno what to do without him here... im so broken

[ImisstheOldTimes]

Daddy's Girl,

First of all, forgive me for taking so long to respond to your post. Both of are situations are different, but we share a love for our fathers and we miss them dearly. I'd like to say it gets easier, and in a way it does, but there always comes those days where a flashback will occur and usually will bring a tear to your eye, but also maybe a smile I remember the surreal feeling you are referring to, coping with loss and grief leads us to acceptance eventually. Hang in there, you still have your child to nurture and love and remember a piece of your father is in both you and her. Take Care, you're going to be alright.

Heidi

[ImisstheOldTimes]

Hey,

So it's been a year, and I'm doing better. I think of you often, I really miss what could have been. Had a little burst of tears earlier, but I'm ok. I know you're happy, so happy birthday yesterday on earth and happy birthday in Heaven 😃 love you dad!

Heidi

[jm1953]

Heidi, my prayers and thoughts are with you.  I lost my father a couple years back.  He was my best friend and I dearly miss him.  The love you show for your father in your post made my eyes tear, and I wish you tremendous strength during your grieving and healing.

Stay strong,

Jeff

[ImisstheOldTimes]

Thank you Jeff, my condolences to you as well. I visit here often (this website)... And read a few posts... I'm so hugely knowledgeable about HIV/AIDS, it is crazy. The whole dentist thing going on in Oklahoma, saying they may have contracted HIV--I actually heard myself talking like Ann or Andy---"HIV is a fragile virus." I've come to view many of the people here as friends merely because they are so grounded for the most part. You, the moderators- even Rapid Rod (love how sardonic he is), Matty the damned, willy Wump, mecch, emeraldize, tednlous, Wolfie, learherman---I can go on and on. It's a wealth of information and a lot of encouragement for the most part...lol
So thank you for your kind words to me 😃

Much love,
Heidi

[ImisstheOldTimes]

Well Dad, finally cried today for you. I hate the fact you were so prideful and stubborn that you didn't seek help. Still trying to deal with things. Love you, miss you lots!

[Ann]

((((((Heidi))))))

I can't believe it's been two years already.

Hope you're doing well (all things considered).

Heartfelt hugs,
Ann
xxx

[BT65]

Heidi, I'm just now reading this thread.  I read your initial post, wow, that was powerful.  Beautiful, and honest.

I hope you're doing alright, I know how difficult it is to lose a parent you love (trust me).  Time does heal things a bit.  Be good to yourself.

Betty

[ImisstheOldTimes]

Thank you Ann and Betty, I think time moves so quickly as we get older, I can't believe it's been two years now. Amazing the ability to adapt!

Hugs to both of you,
Heidi

[ImisstheOldTimes]

Well, just seems like we were in the hospital singing you Happy Birthday, today, not sure what was going to happen, that you would be gone in the morning.

I remember looking into your blank eyes, empty, no more dad, no more stupid jokes that only you laughed at, then the rest of us would laugh at you.

No more "bang bang, I got my guns out" when we play cards. No more phone messages on my work phone saying that it was "General Flapjack."

No more peachies cal vrone. No more rise 'n' shine - "it's a bright bright bright morning...oh what a happy day!"

Just memories, love you dad!

Heidi

[ImisstheOldTimes]

Well I did something stupid...decided to walk at work, walked down to your old work building to see maybe how your old office looked. Climbing up the stairs, that you could barely get up put a little knot in my throat... But when I asked to see your old office and explained it used to be my dad's, the lady immediately stood up and said, "OH!, You're Jon's daughter...of course, Heidi, right, he is so missed around here..." Then I bawled...told her it will be 4 years on Easter, she couldn't believe how long it had been...still sniveling 20 minutes later... I love you, and still miss you. ❤️

[zach]

((((heidi))))

love and hugs

[ImisstheOldTimes]

Thanks Zach Attach

(((Hugs)))

Love you too