diagnosed 4 mos ago

[scarredlady]

I am a 32 yo fem was diagnosed 4 mos ago. I am truly having a rough time dealing with this diagnosis. I no longer feel normal. I feel like a walking zombie. All i do is cry and stay isolated in my room. People keep telling me it will get better with time, but i don't feel that way. I used to love life, now sometimes I wish that I dint wake up 2 see the next morning. Can someone please help me. Seen a therapist, but that does not seem to be helping. I feel so scared and alone. How are you all able to deal with this? I no longer enjoy living!

[Miss Philicia]

Hello scarredlady, sorry to find you so down right now.  Your diagnosis is new, and many people have this same situation at 4 months.  I'm glad to see, however, that you have sought out a therapist to help you work through this issue.  Generally speaking therapy takes time, and results are not instant.  Can you go into more detail about the therapy -- when did it start, how often do you go?  Are you taking an anti-depressants?

[scarredlady]

i statred going maybe about 2 mos ago. was teeing her weekly and talking on the phone. no I am not taking anti depressants at the moment because i am in my last trimester of pregnancy, but they want me to take zoloft. I am so scared of getting sick and dying and not being loved. I feel like my dreams have been shattered. wanted @ get married again and buy a house and everyhing now that's out the window because of this diagnosis.

[Miss Philicia]

Your viral load is undetectable and your cd4s are 1544 -- why do you think you're going to get sick and die?  You are allowing illogical thoughts to influence your anxiety levels.  As someone who has personally had a general anxiety disorder diagnosis and engaged in cognitive behavioral therapy for a decade I'll just say this is the type of therapy you should seek (most likely that's what your therapist is attempting).  An HIV diagnosis does not prevent you from fulfilling dreams, getting a house and/or getting married again.  A bad anxiety level is what will prevent you from doing all of that, however.

Stick with the therapy -- two months into that isn't very long.  Solving anxiety doesn't happen like flicking a light switch on/off, it's a gradual process.

[Moffie65]

Scarred Lady,

Welcome to the forums, and I trust you will work through some of this anxiety soon enough.

You speak of dreams, and home ownership.  I am  going to address this.  When I was told that I would die within six months, I freaked, and immediately refused to accept this declaration.  In the ensuing 27 years, I have been near death twice, and dead once.  Also, I have owned three businesses, bought and sold three homes, and moved states three times.  All of this by choice.  I have been active in HIV/AIDS work for the better part of 30 years, and most of those while I was HIV+, and sometimes very sick.  However, throughout all of this, I simply lived it day by day, which of course is all we can do.  I encourage you to start thinking about how you and your child are going to live the next 20 years, because you now have to start thinking about the teen years, the high school traumas your kid is going to deal with, graduation, marriage, college and a whole plethora of things that are going to come with the birth of your new baby.  I caution you that it will really go by very fast, and you now have to plan on ways to keep your body healthy, and your mind sharp and growing.  Life is a full time job and you simply don't have time to worry about dying from HIV/AIDS, because your plate is already full.  Vow to make your life full, happy and productive and I promise you that HIV will then become an inconvenience, instead of a death sentence.  Please think about it. 

[komnaes]

Hi Scarred, sorry about the diagnosis.

I know we will begin to sound like a broken record if we keep telling you that things will be fine, but as surprising as it may sound to you now, things will get better as long as you know where to seek help. When you have a chance you should also check out the "Positive Women" forums, where you can find a lot of fellow members who have gone through what you're going through now.

Wish you the best, Shaun

[skeebo1969]

  Scaredlady,

  I am sorry to hear of your recent diagnosis.  I just wanted to tell you that your dreams are still very much obtainable.  My wife and I met after my diagnosis, had a baby, and own our home.  I am also about to start school in May to work towards becoming a RN.  Doing this at 41 will be tough, but I am determined.

  So different was I just a few short years ago.  I was diagnosed in 2005.  I was single, my family shunned my existence, and I was severely depressed.  The depression was so severe it led me into a situation that got me held in a ward for 72 hr observation one day.  I was so sick and could not work,  the home I owned at the time was going into foreclosure, child support was mounting and adding up, and I had HIV and needed care, but had absolutely no medical insurance or a way to pay for it.  I was calling the CDC 1-800 number at 3 am like an idiot because the anxiety was killing me and I figured they would have someone to talk to.  Funny thing was they actually did, still remember her name, Melanie.  She pointed me out to a very good AIDS Service Organization (ASO), which if you haven't contacted one already they may be able to assist you in some ways if necessary.

  Being diagnosed is nothing short of traumatic, it's going to take some time for you to heal from this dear.  Take deep breaths and allow yourself that time to heal, be good to yourself, and have a healthy baby.  If you have the time read the Lesson Section and ask as many questions as necessary.

  Please, take care!

  Thomas

[tednlou2]

I think many of us had these same feelings right after diagnosis.  Hell, I still have many of these feelings over year later.  Learning about HIV has helped a lot.  Going to see a therapist has helped a lot.  These forums have helped so much.  It has been good to see people on here doing well after having HIV for 10, 15, 25 years.  That has helped me to realize this isn't a death sentence.  Having said that, I'm still on the journey.  I still have those depressed days where I worry about my health.  All of us in the healthcare system and monitoring our health should all grow old together on here. 

Keep in touch and all the best to you and the baby.