dating observations since HIV

[Longislander]

Since diagnosed last December, I have dated once from an HIV date site. No issue about HIV there, and another guy has contacted me and wants to meet next week, though I've told him I'm not ready for serious dating at all, he just wants to meet someone else in the area with HIV.

After reading many threads that end up alluding to dating I have realized this:

I have told 3 people that I have HIV. One I had just met that particular evening, and it ended nicely-that evening.

The other 2 were people that I had already known pre-HIV, already kissed, and had already had sex with one of them ( and dated briefly). The other I have spent considerable Fire Island time with, but no more than kissing. These two people would have always gotten some of my time, romantically speaking, when we would cross paths. There is something about each of them, but I had already known neither was the right guy for me. Upon my disclosing this year, their reactions were identical. They both said, "so what, I've dated a guy with HIV before." Both stating they wanted to pursue me further.

Where this information leads, I don' t know. I'm no psychologist, just a case study.

[poet]

A case study from you is worth noting and thanks for posting it.  My problem has come when there was someone I met- could be from work- whose status was unknown with whom I felt that there was a potential future and my disclosure hovered in the background.   It's early here, so what I would wonder to myself is if two guys recognise that they might have sex from time to time or be friends but not 'the one' for each other, does this take the pressure off and lead to comments such as you heard, that they had been there and done that with postive men, which makes sense, given the NYC population?  Does the sheer pressure on both of you if and when both of you think/thought that you are 'the one' for each other and then disclosure smashes the picture, is this why we then get the reaction we get?  As might be the case if you had to explain to 'the one' that 'it' fell off one day.  Win

[Longislander]

I did forget to mention that important variable that I live in close proximity to NYC. Both of those who respondend well were still interested in pursuing/trying again- dating after disclosure. But still you're statement was quite interesting about the pressure being off.

I'm not sure I got the last statement. I hope 'it' never falls off!?!?!/lol

[poet]

You got it.   It was breakfast time and in fairness to others, I thought that I would be slightly indirect.  Imagine telling 'the one' anything which either one of you could/would feel was a deal breaker, such as that 'it' (the appendage in front) had fallen off since your last encounter or that you had decided, overnight, to become a woman or were about to be sentenced to jail for life or, as a recent personal noted, that you expected to move from your mutual city very, very soon.  Win

[Eldon]

Hey LongIslander,

They still had an intrest? Perhaps they too had something that they wanted to share with you. Lord knows what that may have been.



Make the BEST of each Day!

[poet]

There is an elusive thread coming out of here which LongIslander and others might explore at some point about what it is like to live in the NYC area where 10% of the population means so much more, where, when LongIslander says, 'when we would cross paths,' how, even though this is NYC, you are constantly crossing paths because you are compressed into Chelsea, where I lived, the East Village, the West Village, Fire Island Pines and the clubs, of course as well as spread out, more thinly, into other areas, cities, towns.  On the one hand, like anywhere, you can pursue 'the one' and know that it's a question of where 'he' is in the crowds and crowds and crowds of possible men.  On the other hand, you can easily pass from bed to bed to bed because it's interesting to meet someone new or comfortable to spend time with someone you sort of know.  Which allows some men, negative men, to reject outright because they have, in their eyes, wasted their time in the search with someone who doesn't 'qualify.'  Like someone who doesn't have the right muscles in the right areas once you have seen them naked.  Or others to have a calmer approach to things because hiv is out there, like white guys and African American guys and Latino guys and 'cut' and 'uncut.'  Or guys who will do X or won't do Y sexually. 

I bring this out here only because it should make a difference where you disclose, NYC versus the rest of the counry and world. Win

[Longislander]

Interesting observations , Poet. Very true that we are concentrated in this area. I do live about an hour drive east of NYC, but so easy to access. Summers are concentrated on FI, Pines or the Grove. 25 minute ride to the ferry and there are crowds of gay men each weekend. Outlying towns have gay men, mostly couples, I would say, but there are us single gay men living in our houses in the burbs. But in no time we can be in a place surrounded by men.

My choice has always been to pursue 'the one'. You're right, it was always just a matter of where is he today/tonite. I've been fortunate twice before. We were in the same place at the same time. And one of us , each time, wasn't originally supposed to be there. So I have to still believe in it.

But as far as disclosure, Long Island is oh so different from NYC. It really is a small place, gayly speaking. We've pretty much all seen each other at a club, a party, or know someone who knows you.

Now with HIV, I can escape to NYC, and be separated enough from LI to be able to freely disclose to a potential date. It's easier for me in NYC. I'm not there frequently, and as someone here pointed out not long ago, I'm new meat in there. There's no telling what I may run into at FI next summer, when it's full of NYC guys. I'm sure there are many guys with HIV at FI. But I won't be as free to disclose there. It's too small. And the boys love gossip.

You're right about the 'qualifying'. Around here HIV is just another disqualifier in most mens eyes.

[poet]

(Hoping that others may find this discussion of interest.)  Yes, Long Island has the problem of P-town.  Everyone knows each other and, if the latter, there is nothing else to do except gossip in the off-season, so I was unable to comfortably access hiv support offerings in the heart of one of the gayest towns.  In NYC, on the other hand, as with you coming to the city from Long Island, I never thought about going to PWAC's office in the West Village or leaving it.  I never thought about showing up for intake at GMHC in the middle of Chelsea.  And what we are talking about here is the same as anyone positive faces when he/she lives in a small town and may find it easier/less stressful to drive distances for care/support in a larger, neutral city.  Which also brings up an interesting (to me) point that if such is the case, perhaps 'we' should try to create care/support offerings in larger places even at the cost of a drive (or providing a drive) so that the concerns of identity are removed for most people?  FI (I stayed in the Grove but traveled back and forth to the Pines) is tiny, the men do gossip but those who are hiv positive seemed to know each other (from GMHC groups, for one or doctor offices).  And the 'new meat' lasts all of the first visit often, after which 'everyone' knows that you went home with X who later said ....  Of such was the case at Julius' about which I have written where the bartender at least knew what had transpired, although not likely to comment too much.  Win

[losangeles]

Hey Longislander. I saw your numbers at the bottom of your posting.
Are you taking anything for your infection? (meds, vitamins, herbal..)
Thanks for your comments on dating.

[Longislander]

No LA, I 'm not on HIV meds yet. I take a men's one-a-day, vitamin C , and now Fish Oil