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Help me tell a girl i slept with

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Hi, i was diagnosed 8 months ago when i observed enlarged lymph nodes and got tested
At that time there is a girl from my college i used to sleep with
But i stopped doing so since i knew my + status but i didn't tell her about my diagnosis

The thing is that she just told me she has swellings on the back of her head but she has no clue what it could be

I need your help
Wether i tell her to get tested or not knowing that sex and HIV in our community is taboo and a big shane
Also she is 19  and I'm not sure if she can handle this kind of news
So if you think i have to tell her i need a way that guarantee my status will not be exposed

Jim Allen:
I need a while to digest this post before replying to the topic.i might be the wrong person to respond to the situation you have created.

In the meantime, sorry to hear about the diagnosis. Are you getting treatment and if so how is treatment working out for you? What's your viral load currently? How are you feeling and doing otherwise?

Jim Allen:

--- Quote ---So if you think i have to tell her i need a way that guarantee my status will not be exposed
--- End quote ---

--- Quote ---Also she is 19  and I'm not sure if she can handle this kind of news
--- End quote ---

Yes, I think you should have told her so she can get tested and access treatment if indeed she is living with HIV.  The same can be said for anyone else you slept with, regardless if they have any symptoms or not.

Also, I am sure she will handle the news better than the alternative of not knowing and dying of AIDS in a few years after passing it on to others in the meantime.

If you can't tell her face to face, then prehaps you could send her a letter or note? Or, a more 21st-century version, buy a burner phone and send her a text message letting her know? or ask the clinic if they would "anonymously" inform her she should get tested.


First off, how are you dealing with your diagnosis?  Are you working with a doctor?  Taking your Rx?  You have any questions?  Never worry about asking us questions as we can talk about our experiences. 

But onto your question.  Part of that depends on where you live.  It appears that based on your initial message that once you found out that you stopped sleeping with her.  That is a good thing.  Now what to do now.

For me, I like in the USA so their are laws that state if I don't disclose my status going forward with my sexual partners I could be criminally charged.  There are some even more strict laws at the State level.  Other countries have similar laws so I always encourage you to search for your respective laws. 

Now to tell your previous partner that is such a hard question.  For me, I did not tell my prior partners but I did have a state nurse that came and seen me and I let her know of my partners.  She stated that the Health Department was going to contact them anonymously.   This may be your best bet if they come and talk to you.  At that point I wasn't mentally able to think of that.  Now a few that I was with prior now know and they have got checked but that was like 5 years later. 

Now if you aren't able to do that it never hurts to just tell her to see her doctor (as you care about her health) and she needs to get the swelling on the back of her checked.  You aren't saying anything other then meet up with her doctor. 

I do kind of like the thinking of Jim to get a burner phone but that is also a bit creepy just to get a text out of the blue like that.  Sometimes a subdle message is beneficial.  I am now more comfortable to post on my social media about getting a yearly STD/STI check and sometimes just seeing a post like that will get people to talk to their doctor about that the next time they are their.

On a side note, National STD Awareness Week is coming up in April.  Could be a good way to post it on your social media (if you do that) to help everyone to be aware and get checked.  Easy way to be somewhat direct and not at the same time.

Wishing you the best.



                    ojo.               Hi there!!…I feel so bad for you, just found out you are pisitive and worrying about having expounded to the curus this girl. It tells me you are a good human being.

If I were you, talk to the nurses at your clinic to contact her, anonymously , they will be able to tell her that she was exposed to the virus. She has the right to know… please tell us more about you and you are not alone we are here for you. Hugs


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