Declining mental health

[fabio]

So,after 3 years that I removed that huge tumor due to hpv (giant condyloma) I have been thinking of going for a follow up to see if things are ok or if I need further surgery. I'm so scared that I'll go through the same pain and mental struggle again and I've been having suicidal thoughts over it.
Another issue is that most doctors don't really wanna treat hiv positive people and find all sorts of excuses to not help. I've been so bad that I thought of just ending it once and for all,that's how awful I feel.

[Jim Allen]

Hiya,

Firstly just want to say that I'm sorry to hear you're in so much pain.
I'll spare you "Life is great" nonsense because sometimes it's simply a bitch.

About the Doctors, certainly, it can be an issue, not exclusively for those living with HIV though. Doctors are people and some people treat those with health conditions differently or poorly, it all about finding the good ones.

I have been thinking of going for a follow up to see if things are ok or if I need further surgery.

So surgery might not be needed at all, sounds like this check-up will at least let you know where you stand and give you some peace of mind.

Finally, you are not alone and should you want to talk in private just PM me.  Do let your doctor know how you are feeling and the fears you have about this and if you think you may harm yourself go see them now, today, don't wait!

Hugs.

[fabio]

Thank you. I've been struggling to keep stuff together just from that thing (since it was very painful and scary to experience) not just having it but finding a doctor was incredibly hard. I did take matters to my hand and found another surgeon who knew not much about hiv meds or if they'll react with the anaesthesia and he didn't have any experience with the buschke and Lowenstein tumor. But I went and got rid of the big mass.
The one doctor my ID recommended didn't do anything and just told me (you're ok,it's nothing you won't need surgery),although I needed immediate surgery and I had showed him my other screenings too. I was in so much pain and couldn't even use the bathroom,lost tons of blood and I had a crap experience in general.
Although I got rid of that,the doc needed to be paid for the procedure (illegal),otherwise they would keep me on the waiting list for 7 years or so. You can  imagine what sort of surgeons we have here.

[fabio]

I will try and voice my worries to my doc and see what happens,or if he can  get me to do the screening to proceed and nip it in the bud,so I won't have to go through that physical and mental pain again.

[Jim Allen]

Understand that having faced a negative experience before, the idea that it could be similar again can be daunting. I've sent you a longer PM.

I will try and voice my worries to my doc and see what happens,or if he can  get me to do the screening to proceed and nip it in the bud,so I won't have to go through that physical and mental pain again.

Sounds like a plan.

[J.R.E.]

Hello Fabio,..

I just wanted to check in, to see how you are doing today. It looked as though, you were having a very difficult time yesterday, when I read you post, so I sincerely hope that you are in a better state of mind.

I hope you don't mind me asking, But have you ever had these dark thoughts of suicide in the past ? At any time in your life ?  If you have, then you really need to sit down and talk to a someone, to help you sort through these thoughts.

I will be honest, in my 68 years, I have never thought of, or contemplated suicide. So I won't pretend, that I can understand what you are feeling or currently dealing with, as I never had these feelings.

Are there any suicide prevention help lines, that you can call ? Can you contact close friend/ friends/relatives, that you can confide in, and talk about this ?

I wish I could give you more advice, But what I have found through all the years ( 35) that I have been living with HIV, there will be plenty of great days, and the occasional crappy day, and very rarely the occasional bad week or two.

  I have always compared HIV, to driving down a road, and occasionally hitting a pot-hole along the way. Sometimes, the pot-hole damage will be minimum, and knock some dirt off the bottom of the car, other times, it may knock the alignment out, or you may even get a flat tire.

Sometimes all of us will have our physical alignment knock out of place, And it is up to us as individuals, to get ourselves realigned. And the truth is, it can happen to any one of us, at any time, no matter how healthy we are, or whether we are HIV positive or not.

Your experience, having the tumor removed 3 years ago, must have without a doubt, been very difficult experience, for you to go through. I would think that it would be a tough experience even for the toughest of us all. But you know what,... YOU got through it !!

When I had a condyloma removed, quite a few years ago, along with external anal warts, It was probably one of the toughest times I had to go through. I had to wear a lot of gauze packing for at least a week, but it all healed fine. And, it never came back.

I understand you concerns, and they are genuine concerns of yours, so I agree, when you state:

 "I will try and voice my worries to my doc and see what happens,or if he can  get me to do the screening to proceed and nip it in the bud,so I won't have to go through that physical and mental pain again"

Let you doctor know, how seriously you are taking all this, and hopefully he/she, can get things arranged for further testing.

Don't be discouraged, but at the same time, be as proactive as you can be.

By the way, on a lighter note,..  I like the new profile pic of yours, You have the 3 H's going for you. Your Handsome, You look Healthy, and you look happy.  Lets keep it that way !!


Please take care of yourself, we really do care !! -------Ray

[J.R.E.]

I did take matters to my hand and found another surgeon who knew not much about hiv meds or if they'll react with the anaesthesia and he didn't have any experience with the buschke and Lowenstein tumor. But I went and got rid of the big mass.

Fabio,..

I am not 100% sure on this, but I don't think that any of the modern HIV medications, or for that matter even the older HIV medications can affect anesthesia. If I am wrong on this, Then I need to be corrected.

The HIV medications that I have been on prior to surgery or procedures, was Viramune, Epzicom, and  Viread. Never once was I told to stop those medications.

I have been put under at least a half a dozen times, through the years, The only thing that I have been told prior to surgery was to stop my daily aspirin, a day or two before any operation or procedure.

Hypertension, ( High Blood pressure) can have an affect with anesthesia. In fact, I believe I was told to stop all my blood pressure medications, the day previous to having a procedure where I was knocked out completely.


Ray 

[fabio]

The after surgery scared me a lot too,because I had lost so much blood that I couldn't stand or walk for more than 5 seconds,so bathing and doing the basics was left to my mom. This was what got me so depressed: that I had made my parents really sad and that there might have been a possibility I would stay that way.
I was really happy I had my parents through this,as well as my brother from afar (calling me every day and motivating me) that got me through that. I wasn't strong enough to get through this alone,along with hiv.
The good thing is,that my life has improved a lot since the surgery,but I still have the mental trauma of all that and I haven't done a screening since. But,it's better to go get a screening which I'll ask my docs to help me with it and see what possible ways to deal with anything that comes up.

[J.R.E.]

I was really happy I had my parents through this,as well as my brother from afar (calling me every day and motivating me) that got me through that.

Hello Fabio,...

I am so glad to hear that your parents and brother were there you several years ago, while you were going through all this. I hope that you still continue to get support from them.

That what families do, or at least that what should do. Sadly, that doesn't exist with all family's  !! No parent likes to see their child ( at any age) deal with pain or discomfort. They want to see the kids enjoying life, being happy, and being healthy.

 You know, somewhere down the road, you and your brother, will have to be there for your parents, in their older years, ( I hope that won't happen for a long time),  and you will always remember, when they were there for you !

Your very fortunate to have a caring and loving family.

Be well/ Stay well-------Ray