Author Topic: I went out to the Bars??? (Read 6099 times)

guynsotulsa · « **on:** July 01, 2007, 03:35:20 pm »

So in an effort to regain some of my passion that I seem to have lost I got to thinking last week what was something that I used to LOVE to do? The answer was I used to LOVE to go out to the Local fag bar, dance, drink, be social, and laugh…. This was all before HIV. Once I was diagnosed I stopped going out all together…(just did not feel it)

The plan was set in motion…. I was gonna go out!!! Friday after work I went to the mall and bought me a new shirt, some cologne, and got my hair cute… Spent the rest of the evening getting ready to hit the bars… I was excited!!!

I did what I had done for years the whole way to the dance club I listened to my favorite dance music, smoked a pack of cigarettes…LOL When I got there I paid my cover went to the bar ordered a drink, and that is when it started…. The constant questions like: Man he is cute I wonder if he is HIV Poz?

I think this is not something that I had ever thought about before it was such a nagging that I was unable to enjoy myself!!!! I tried to shake it by getting out on the dance floor and then it happened!!! This guy started coming on to me… Now a new list of questions was added to the one before…. Do I tell this hot little fella or do I wait? What will he think? Is he Poz like me? I finished the song and then exchanged numbers with him and went home.

So all of that to ask… Is this the way it is going to be from now on when I go out? Cause if it is that will not be any fun at all!!! Do we as Poz people ever not think about being Poz, and just have a great time?

Thanks Again!
Jason R
$:-\$

Life · « **Reply #1 on:** July 01, 2007, 03:53:49 pm »

Jason, I think its going to get easier for you once you feel better about yourself.... Sounds pretty new to you.... For a fag like me, going to a bar is really putting all those feelings right out on the table as you experienced. Nothing wrong with it, but am I ready? Naw not yet. But in time, I plan on hitting the dance floors again and answering those questions without a pause.... And of course having my husband come over and smack me in the face....

Best wishes....

Hugs,

Eric

bear60 · « **Reply #2 on:** July 01, 2007, 04:02:36 pm »

The constant questions like: Man he is cute I wonder if he is HIV Poz? ...quote
Jason R
................................. In all my years of going to bars I have never overheard such a conversation. Maybe you are going to the wrong bar.

Bucko · « **Reply #3 on:** July 01, 2007, 04:07:05 pm »

Jason-

To answer your question directly: No, you'll never swim in the dating pool again without the thought of being poz, at least if you are responsible (and I believe that you are). Disclosure is a personal matter of your own heart, and in my opinion really depends on the circumstances. If you are interested in a casual encounter involving no penetrative sex then disclosure is not an issue, because you are not putting anyone at risk.

As you learn to cope with living with HIV, you will probably develop a variation on Gaydar by which you can sense another pozguy, kinda similar to the way tops distinguish themselves from bottoms. This intuition NEVER replaces disclosure, but can help separate much wheat from the chaff.

It is my opinion that the best way we have of containing the virus in 2007 is by serosorting: ie sticking with your own kind. Many people see this as limiting their available pool of potential conquests, but I see it as yet another qualifier and a healthy way to conduct one's lovelife. There are those who disagree with me, but many more who do not.

In the end serosorting is at your discretion.

I've found online hook-up sites vastly preferable to hunting in bars these days. You can disclose your HIV status in your profile in addition to all the other particulars of your sexual needs. Only those corresponding to your requirements need be considered. For me in SoFla that still leaves me with a vast array of possibilities. The reality of the social situation in Tulsa might well be different, but I doubt it.

Whatever you decide, I hope you learn to relax. Anxiety is not sexy, confidence is.

Brent
(Who plays the field)

guynsotulsa · « **Reply #4 on:** July 01, 2007, 04:25:18 pm »

bear60

I guess I was not clear it was a conversation going on in my head with me.... sorry for the confusion!

bear60 · « **Reply #5 on:** July 01, 2007, 04:46:02 pm »

Jason R
Oh I see......this is going on in your head. I hate to tell you but this is now life with HIV and it is not going to change unless you want it to. But one thing that does make a difference is time....after 5 years I was pretty calm talking about HIV...after 10 years I was kind of suprised that everyone hadnt gotten tested at 15 years I was feeling kind of lonely because my friends had died and I felt I needed to get out and meet new people.
When you start to have these thoughts....just say to yourself things like "and this too shall pass" or "give it time Jason give it time" or " does he dress right or left...lol".

guynsotulsa · « **Reply #6 on:** July 01, 2007, 05:14:48 pm »

Thanks Bear60 Will do just that....

Iggy · « **Reply #7 on:** July 01, 2007, 06:24:44 pm »

Frankly I'm disgusted. Who the fuck wears cologne anymore?

Onto the serious however - Been there so many times that they named a barstool after me - not making a joke as much as it might appear either because what I would do when I got to a bar was just sit there and get drunk and think about how I couldn't be a part of the very scene I was sitting smack down in the middle of.

The thing about it is that it is just a bar/club and that's what I (and you) have to keep reminding myself(yourself).

It's not a date
or an interrogation
or a background check
or an audit
It isn't a therapist office
and it's not supposed to be a fucking catharsis.

It's a bar - where people go to have a couple of drinks and laugh and be merry.

When I understand that (and I forget it sometimes so I don't say "understood") then the pressure is off being poz as it really is not an issue in that context.

Now of course there is the question of what happens when the bar leads to meeting someone? Obviously you will have to have a discussion...at some point (not necessarily that night, mind you). In the interim, my advice is if you always enjoyed taking a drive in the past then don't forgo that activity now just because you fear there is a toll somewhere up ahead in the road; it may be a long time before you get to it and it frankly may not cost as much as you think.

milker · « **Reply #8 on:** July 01, 2007, 06:40:33 pm »

Nice post Iggy.

When I went to a bar a couple of months after being diagnosed I was approached by a couple of guys and the conversation was about all and everything, and after the initial fear of "what the hell am I going to say", I realized that I didn't have to say anything, just go with the flow, laugh, flirt, kiss, enjoy the night. Yes, sometimes the "is he poz" question came in my mind, but quickly disappeared. I haven't made much effort to try to get someone back home, so I've just enjoyed the bar part, and it was fun!

Milker.

puertorico2006 · « **Reply #9 on:** July 01, 2007, 06:53:46 pm »

When i lived in South Florida i used to club, party, and have fun all the time. One night i was at the club and some club queen was telling everybody that i was HIV+ the funny thing about this story is that at the time i was HIV-. Moral of the story is that gay people are always going to talk, make up stories, and say things that normally wouldnt bug a person because its not true, in your case it just so happens to be true so you get bent out of shape and you think "everyone knows"

I now go out to clubs here in Puerto Rico which is a small island so im pretty sure people know i am poz and im sure 95% of the time i talk to someone whos friend knows about it the friend feels complelled to mention it. I ask you though what is your purpose for going out dancing/clubbing? If its to go out, have a good time, flirt, see if you have the ability to "pick up" the guy you want even if you dont take him home then who cares about your status... HIV should not take over your life to where you cant enjoy flirting or making out on the dance floor. If someone says "hes cute i wonder if hes HIV+" then they must be assuming most cute people are positive (a fallacy) but hey at least they called you cute...You cant tell someones staus (most of the time) by the way they look.

So go out, have a good time, and fuck what people say/think. If you do decide to take someone home then i guess it complicates matters and you might feel compelled to disclose, but you can just as easilly give them your number and have them call you another day and see where it goes from there.

-josh

dtwpuck · « **Reply #10 on:** July 01, 2007, 08:05:27 pm »

Hi, Jason....

As with most momentous changes in life, there is a point when you realize that things will never be the same. While Iggy says that going to a bar is primarily a social event whose primary goal is to make merry... we all know that there is a sexual undertone to it that is... well... it's not even an undertone, not in the gay world or the straight world. But I believe he is onto something here. You can still have fun and go out. If you focus on the social aspect over the sexual, it becomes easier.

That being said, it really only becomes easier, not easy. After a decade of being poz, I still cannot comfortably hook up in the bar scene. I really hate being hit on by a really hot guy and then working through my own anxiety about disclosure. (this is part of the reason why I disclose fast and easy and take the affectation that I don't care who knows.... that way there's a greater chance that someone who hits on me already knows I am poz.) I find it's much easier to meet other poz men online, at least for sex or dating. I go out to bars mostly just to see my friends and acquaintances, and to laugh hysterically with my lesbian buddies at how supremely affected the rest of the world is (and how clearly we are 'not'... right)

No, dating will never be the same again. Bucko said it elegantly. Life will never be the same again. This is why many of us poz guys go through depression and withdrawal. Change is difficult.

But, while life is never perfect... happiness is yours for the finding. I am not going to claim there is a single simple solution to this incredibly complex problem. You are a unique human being, with unique needs and desires. But we humans have the ability to adapt to our circumstances. The trick is not in the adaptation itself, but in how you perceive the change. The one thing in life you can control is your attitude. Sometimes life sucks... and sometimes it's hard to remember that you can choose to enjoy life each day. But I find that when I do, I am much happier than when I get caught up in a nostalgia for what used to be, and what I want, and just focus on the happiness in front of me right now.

And when all else fails... we're here to listen.

Peace,
Scott

redhotmuslbear · « **Reply #11 on:** July 01, 2007, 08:45:01 pm »

The most affirming experience I have had in a bar since testing HIV+ occurred the first time I went out, about six months after diagnosis. I was visiting Dallas for Thanksgiving, nursing a beer in the Mining Company, and an attractive guy in a glitter shirt (in so not a twink bar) walked up to me and announced "I'm HIV-positive, and I want you to pound my ass through the mattress tonight." I was blown away by the candor and immensely turned on, I disclosed my status, and we started an interesting travel-time sex buddy relationship that spanned three states and several years. My buddy was a long-term survivor at that point, and he helped me get comfortable with beating guys to the inevitable question when out cruising.

Cheers,
David

northernguy · « **Reply #12 on:** July 01, 2007, 11:12:52 pm »

I'd worry less about possible hook-up scenarios, and more about smoking a pack of cigarettes! Your health picture has changed dramatically, a good time to make some changes.

Pilot · « **Reply #13 on:** July 02, 2007, 11:38:07 am »

I have never really thought that much about it myself. I have never changed anything about going out with friends and so forth to the bars. Although, I will admit that I have never told any of my friends about my status...only two family members and of course my doctor know.

I can only advise you to go out and have a good time. Forget your status for an evening because it will come home to you as soon as you take the next pill.

As a side note to all the drama queens, if any are reading this forum and looking to see if a "quote" friend is on here so you can gossip and spread the news. Get a friggin life and bitch where did you get that tacky wig and god awful shoes....I just cant wait to get to the bar and tell everyone how I saw you dressed in public.

Pilot....who never gets hit on in bars...but still has a good time.

LatinAlexander · « **Reply #14 on:** July 02, 2007, 03:40:44 pm »

Yes, the question pops in my head. Always.

I haven't been to a dance club in like 6 months.

Alex

PJC0510 · « **Reply #15 on:** July 03, 2007, 02:52:12 pm »

Hello, please read my post from today titles New Start in this forum, I think it may help, I too was afraid of all the questions but now I am not. People will appreciate your honesty.

guynsotulsa · « **Reply #16 on:** July 06, 2007, 12:25:51 pm »

I would like to say THANKS to all who post on here!!!!

This site is so helpful to someone new to HIV..... I think we should all call our local testing centers and provide them the link to this site!!!!

Thanks a Ton!!!
Jason

phantim · « **Reply #17 on:** July 06, 2007, 02:41:03 pm »

I still go out to bars occasionally and have a great time. I don't have too many issues disclosing other than the slightly rapid heartbeat. I do some volunteer work with the state, though. And have been interviewed on the news about HIV in the Midwest, so everyone and their dog knows I'm the incubus of viral plague. It doesn't seem to bother that many people.

newbernswiss · « **Reply #18 on:** July 06, 2007, 03:30:34 pm »

BuckO said it well . . . I totally agree with what he stated. Get out and have some more fun, life's short.

david25luvit · « **Reply #19 on:** July 09, 2007, 01:46:08 am »

Yes eventually you'll come to terms with it
and will be able to have a good time.
But will you ever NOT think about it?

Probably not.....

Keep in mind there are a lot of other guys out there just like YOU
asking the same questions and feeling the same way.

The power of positive thinking....Works!

AustinWesley · « **Reply #20 on:** July 09, 2007, 12:21:00 pm »

Quote from: guynsotulsa on July 01, 2007, 03:35:20 pm

So in an effort to regain some of my passion that I seem to have lost I got to thinking last week what was something that I used to LOVE to do? The answer was I used to LOVE to go out to the Local fag bar, dance, drink, be social, and laugh…. This was all before HIV. Once I was diagnosed I stopped going out all together…(just did not feel it)

The plan was set in motion…. I was gonna go out!!! Friday after work I went to the mall and bought me a new shirt, some cologne, and got my hair cute… Spent the rest of the evening getting ready to hit the bars… I was excited!!!

I did what I had done for years the whole way to the dance club I listened to my favorite dance music, smoked a pack of cigarettes…LOL When I got there I paid my cover went to the bar ordered a drink, and that is when it started…. The constant questions like: Man he is cute I wonder if he is HIV Poz?

I think this is not something that I had ever thought about before it was such a nagging that I was unable to enjoy myself!!!! I tried to shake it by getting out on the dance floor and then it happened!!! This guy started coming on to me… Now a new list of questions was added to the one before…. Do I tell this hot little fella or do I wait? What will he think? Is he Poz like me? I finished the song and then exchanged numbers with him and went home.

So all of that to ask… Is this the way it is going to be from now on when I go out? Cause if it is that will not be any fun at all!!! Do we as Poz people ever not think about being Poz, and just have a great time?

Thanks Again!
Jason R
$:-\$

Hey Jason,

I understand how you feel. I used to think the same way when I was first diagnosed. However, after some time you'll feel more comfortable in your own skin.

I'm presently dating someone now, but decided to have a boys night out last night with friends. I had a blast. A really attractive guy poped up and since I wasn't shopping for anyone I decided to test the waters again and tell him I'm positive. Just as I figured that didn't discourage him. 9 times out of 10 in my experience using the I'm positive line to discourage someone will fail miserably. Typically, the responses I get are "So am I", or "that's cool, my ex was poz.

I've never had a negative reaction luckily. Sometimes guys are a little stunned at first, but the majority appreciate the honesty and integrity it takes to tell them. Usually, it turns into a lengthy conversation and guys want to know more generally.

My ex was negative as well. He was one of those who had a prior b/f who is poz.

Anyways, I don't use the I'm poz line to ditch anyone now. It almost never works and usually backfires ; )

I think it generally depends on your attitude and how you approach the topic. I have sort of a unique situation because I did some public articles when I was diagnosed so I just assume most people know and I don't give a damn. There's more to me than a virus and I'm sure there is to you as well.

Wesley

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Author Topic: I went out to the Bars??? (Read 6099 times)