Anyone struggled/struggling with a sex addiction while poz?

[MLSRiley]

I'm pretty sure I'm a sex addict. I'm also pretty sure that's how I wound up in this mess with a poz status.  I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around this whole thing and being turned down for sex. Usually, if I offered to have sex with a guy, he'd be all about it, no questions asked. Not anymore. And it's a real shock to my self-esteem and I know how I'm taking all this is not mentally healthy, it's just...well, there's a lot of issues there.

I'm having to come to terms now that I had very little self-respect and self-esteem for myself, that I would hook up with strangers for anonymous (although almost 90% of the time, SAFE) sex.  Even though I don't regret my decision to transition (I'm trans by the way) the rejection and discrimination I constantly encountered, over time, started to wear on me, and I got very depressed and lonely. I guess I started thinking any attention, even sexual attention, was better than nothing. I let guys use and take advantage of me...several times. One of those times was a life altering mistake that has resulted in my now poz status.

It's just...even with all that, I can't stop. I still want and crave sex.  In fact, this guy that I actually am interested in, and want to see if something could develop between us, is even like "I'm not a machine. I can't do a 10k sex marathon". I think that's when it really hit me that I have a real problem here. I'm trying to be honest and upfront with people, but once I disclose I'm HIV+, that's it. It's over. End of discussion. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.00.

Then, I'm left angry, irritable, still craving sex.  Anyone else struggle with this after their diagnosis and how did you handle it?

[irdo123]

This is tough.

If you are on meds, undetectable and only use condoms, do you really have to tell if it is only about sex? The risk for you to transmit with UD + condoms is so extremly small (best guess exactly 0?) that it is ridicoules.

[Jim Allen]

Welcome to the forum.

I sure many will appreciate the input.
Just so we understand can you first tell us a bit more about yourself ?
Are you living with HIV ?

Jim

[RobbyR]

I can relate. I've been a sex addict for years. It tends to come and go, sometimes I am just a horndog for days on end and can have multiple partners over the span of a few days, and that can go on for a week or two or more. Then I'll have quiet periods in between where I don't have as much interest in sex. But then it will come back and I'll be bed hopping again! It's like I don't want or need to settle down with anyone either, I am totally happy being single, but just like the random sex sometimes, and then go on with my life as a single person. I keep that little slither of my life totally secret and discrete, being one person day to day, but a naughty naughty raunchy guy on the side.

Maybe it is a self esteem thing I don't know, but I can't really control it sometimes. There's no drug use at all or anything like that, just the periodic bursts of rabid sexual activity.

I relate it to my being poz, because about 15 years ago, when I first started being sexually active, I was being very promiscuous, sleeping with about anyone. I just had this almost rabid need for sex. It was being horny but it was more than that it was just this need to get laid like almost constantly. Maybe I was somehow and still am seeking affection I don't know..But I am not into cuddling or being very intimate, I just like the wham bam sex part. I became poz by just sleeping with whoever, and that's totally my responsibility, and a guy I slept with years ago told me he was poz, to his credit, and that's probably how I got it, from him. But who knows. Anyway, fast forward to today, I'd say the name of the game is if the sex thing is disrupting other areas of your life then it's a problem, if not, then probably not a huge deal.

[moonlight5]

I had a "sex addiction" but it was mostly a way to mask loneliness and a need for affection (subconsciously). Not very helpful I suppose. :-)

[red_Dragon888]

I am a sex addict, romance addict, people pleaser, pot addict, alcohol addict, poppers addict and meth addict.  I have been clean for 21 months and 3 days.   3 weeks off caffiene and 21 months off cigarettes.  My sexual addiction fed off my meth addiction.  I have tried to use Sexually Compulsive Obsession Anonymous but I was still using drugs and alcohol and I just kept having sex.  Then I tried Crustal Meth Anonymous ( when Crystal Meth brought me to my knees) and it really help me ground myself  and gave me the tools to not only try to stay sober, but to mature mentally. 

I have read self-help books, but that only worked temporary.   Now I work the 12 Steps, have a Gratitude List, go to CMA (Crystal Meth Anonymous) meetings, go to SCA (Sexually Compulsive Anonymous) meetings, do service, hang with fellows and friends, take good care of myself by eating healthy and exercising, and have a Sponsor to guide me through the 12 Steps.  I use to want and try to get laid everyday or every hour, but now I do not feel I need that validation from beautiful or not so beautiful strangers or have the sex to feel love or less lonely.  I was a sex and drug addict for over 25 years and I thought that was the life even though it was killing me.  Now I am a recovering Sex...Drug addict and life is better.

[LukasAtlPZ]

I can relate. I've been a sex addict for years. It tends to come and go, sometimes I am just a horndog for days on end and can have multiple partners over the span of a few days, and that can go on for a week or two or more. Then I'll have quiet periods in between where I don't have as much interest in sex. But then it will come back and I'll be bed hopping again! It's like I don't want or need to settle down with anyone either, I am totally happy being single, but just like the random sex sometimes, and then go on with my life as a single person. I keep that little slither of my life totally secret and discrete, being one person day to day, but a naughty naughty raunchy guy on the side.

Maybe it is a self esteem thing I don't know, but I can't really control it sometimes. There's no drug use at all or anything like that, just the periodic bursts of rabid sexual activity.

Have you spoken with a mental health professional regarding this symptom?

[CaveyUK]

I can certainly relate to a feeling of out-of-control addiction when it comes to sex.

In the past, when in a sexless marriage, I channelled this in a variety of dubious directions which is how I wound up here, ultimately. I went from meeting women, to being bi-curious with couples and then hooking up with fully bi couples and the odd guy, and enjoying it all along the way. The vast majority of this was safe, but not always. And it was always purely meeting for sex, nothing else.

Where i knew I had a problem was when I realised it was all about the set-up, the preparation, the anticipation and the chase. The act itself was fun, but I started to hate myself afterwards. It was never about intimacy, but when I was younger, meeting a girl and having sex gave me a warm glow for days, but this didn't.

It was also exasperated by casual recreational drug use. Weed would get me horny and was often used with swinging couples. Amphetamines (not meth, more dextro) would turn me into a raging sex fiend, where I could easily spend an entire day building up to some action at the expense of everything else. Unfortunately, it also stopped other things from working optimally which only fuelled the desire for certain more risky activities.

It probably reached it's peak around four years ago, which is where I think I picked up my little passenger. Oddly the marriage split (nothing to do with the above) didn't kick me into overdrive - rather it had the opposite effect. I had all the time in the world for this stuff if I wanted, but i chose other more mundane things (mostly).

I also built up a relationship with a wonderful girl, who I had known for many years previously. I can be far more honest with her than with anyone else previously, and she has a bi side which I have helped her explore also. She knows about my past and accepts it, but the fact she is far more sexually liberated than my ex wife makes the world of difference to me. She is also massively engaged in my whole HIV treatment, attends clinics and reads up on everything so she is fully informed (she is neg).

I'm aware that I may still slip into the urge from time to time, but I know have someone I can channel it through, and could potentially help me satiate any desire that may crop up. Obviously HIV impacts this, however ensuring that any play is safe play is paramount.

Being recently diagnosed (Jan), everything has been 1-on-1 with the gf so far, so the whole disclosure thing to others hasn't become an issue. I suspect that in a year or so, that may change and it will become a bigger challenge.

One odd thing I did find, and is contrary to the experience of many, is post diagnosis my sex drive didn't vanish. I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing however!