Boyfriend kept his diagnosis from me for a year and a half

[wdwgfh]

Hey everyone. I’m new here and have never really posted on a forum of any kind before, but here goes.

Found out last week that my boyfriend of a year and a half has been HIV positive this whole time. He only came clean after I found his medicine in my room and confronted him about it. I was angry at first but understand how hard it must have been for him to tell me. He said that because his levels are undetectable that there was never any danger of me becoming infected but is this enough of an excuse?

I don’t want to offend anyone but I never thought I would date someone with HIV. Now after a lot of research I’m starting to understand more about it. My feelings towards him haven’t changed and I won’t let this get between us.

My main problem and something I can’t seem to get over is the worry of him dying young. Or younger than he would have done without being pos. Is this irrational? I have read so much  about how good meds are nowadays but how truthful is this?

None of us can see into the future and hell I might get hit by a bus next week. Should I just forget this and try and enjoy our life together? I just feel so bad for him and it must be so scary dealing with being pos. I tested last week and am negative by the way.

Again, sorry to offend anyone here. Still trying to get my head around this.

[Jim Allen]

Hiya

Look ill be honest I would be slightly pissed off if someone I was dating kept a medical condition from me regardless of what it was, relationships are about trust and partnership.

That said its a manageable private medical condition that does not effect you, I can appreciate why he may have decided to keep it to himself or maybe its simply not a big deal enough for him to feel the need to mention it. 

Treated HIV is no life changer anymore, i forget I'm living with HIV most days and I logged onto this site daily answering posts

My main problem and something I can’t seem to get over is the worry of him dying young. Or younger than he would have done without being pos. Is this irrational? I have read so much  about how good meds are nowadays but how truthful is this?

HIV is very manageable, its very possible that with the additional care he gets from having blood-work etc frequently done he could simply outlive you.

None of us can see into the future and hell I might get hit by a bus next week. Should I just forget this and try and enjoy our life together?

True and I suppose so.

Jim

 

[wdwgfh]

Thanks for your response.

 

Hiya

Look ill be honest I would be slightly pissed off if someone I was dating kept a medical condition from me regardless of what it was, relationships are about trust and partnership.

That said its a manageable private medical condition that does not effect you, I can appreciate why he may have decided to keep it to himself or maybe its simply not a big deal enough for him to feel the need to mention it. 
 

So you think it’s okay for me to get mad? I don’t get angry much and I’m not a very confrontational person. He said that he always wanted to tell me but as time went on it just got harder and harder. You’re right he should have told me but it just came as such a shock that I didn’t know how to react really.

I’ve always tried to be responsible so got tested myself soon after we started dating. He told me he took a test too but it was negative. Is it true that if HIV is undetectable because of meds then it comes up negative on a test? Or was he lying about that too?
 

[Jim Allen]

Hiya,

Question, have you spoken to him about how you are feeling? You are still in the relationship right? Have you asked him these questions?

So you think it’s okay for me to get mad?

You feel how you feel, there is no right or wrong about it.

I can appreciate somewhat how you feel, for me my relationship is about trust and partnership. If it was my partner and, she had kept a medical condition from for 18 months regardless of what it was I would be slightly pissed off when hearing about it. Not because I have any rights to know, because I don't! Or because she's required to tell me, as she is not!.

I would be disappointment from a relationship point of view if she did not tell me, I'd like to think she trusts me, can tell me anything and rely on me for whatever level of support she wants.  Although I would quickly get over it after the initial sock if she had kept a medical condition a secrete, end of the day its her business, not mine. 

I’ve always tried to be responsible so got tested myself soon after we started dating. He told me he took a test too but it was negative. Is it true that if HIV is undetectable because of meds then it comes up negative on a test? Or was he lying about that too?

I don't know if he was lying ...

I will give you some information in brief though.

People living with HIV don't get HIV screening tests, there is no point as the result simply would be reactive (positive) for life.  See once someone is HIV positive the body will continue to produce antibodies no matter how well treated the condition, no drugs will change this and a HIV positive person with treatment will still test reactive (Positive) on a standard antibodies HIV screening test for life.  You can read back this thread on the topic: https://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=70708.msg

We do get viral load monitoring to understand how well the treatment is working.
 The goal of the treatment is to suppress the virus, this result if the virus is suppressed well by the medication could come back “not detected” or “undetectable” as example depending on the terminology used on the lab report . This does not mean "HIV Negative" it merely means that the medication is suppressing the virus in the blood to levels below the measuring threshold of the test used.  So it could well be he was referring to the viral load results (RNA PCR or DNA test) as negative if the copies of the virus are suppressed to undetectable or not detected levels.  You would need to ask him what he meant at the time. 

Look if you have a look at the "Lessons" under the section Living with HIV and HIV Treatment it will give you plenty of easy to digest information should you be looking for info on HIV  https://www.poz.com/basics/hiv-basics

Jim