It's Different Now.

[BKsouthLA]

I was diagnosed almost three weeks ago and as I've stated previously in other forum replies I'm not experiencing any deep depression or out-of-character psychology, I just notice things with me are different now.

The major difference is my lack of a need to socialize. I was never a major social butterfly before and never enjoyed being surrounded by a ton people, but recently (these past three weeks) have noticed that I'm not particularly keen on hanging out with my friends or seeing my family for more than a few minutes at a time. I've disclosed the diagnosis to my partner and he has shared the info with our mutual best friend (because she could tell something was up,) but otherwise I haven't felt the need to come forward with my diagnosis being that it's so early on. perhaps once I've given myself more time to get used to living with HIV then it will be easier for me to get back in the groove of everyday talk and surface level socialization.

Another Difference I've noticed isn't in myself, but in my partner, the love of my life for almost fifteen years! When I sat down with him to explain my diagnosis he was nothing but supportive. He was so loving and non judgmental it reminded me why, even with a seriously shocking diagnosis, I'm the luckiest guy on this earth to have him. He was understanding and listened to everything I had to say about the matter then went and did his own research to make sure he understood the situation completely. After being tested his results are clear, and he has started taking the steps to get PrEP. This is all well-and-good, but I began to notice a change in his behavior a couple of days after disclosing my diagnosis. He isn't as physical with me now, meaning he doesn't display his love as openly as before. I've noticed small things like how he doesn't sit close to me on the couch when were watching netflix and chillin', He doesn't spoon me like he used to when we would go to sleep and in the mornings before getting ready for work. We certainly haven't been at all sexual since the diagnosis, but that's to be expected I guess. He pulls away from my touch and seems uncomfortable. I've asked him if anything has changed or if he is okay with us now and he insists that we are in a great place and he loves me just as before. I've brought up the lack of physicality and how I'm worried, but he swears he doesn't do it on purpose and that if I mention something on the spot he'll be sure to show more affection and be more like the guy I've always known. I just cant help but imagine that he is feeling apprehensive about me or unattracted to me now. I don't fully know my intention with making this post other than to write all these feeling down for processing purposes, but if anyone here has experienced this before and has any words of wisdom/support I'd be willing to receive them...

[Jim Allen]

Hi

So the first part of your post, to me it reads that you are just processing the diagnosis in your own way, and at your own pace so perhaps you feel less social. We all different and i am sure you will bounce back to your old self, try not to overthink it.

As for your partner, well I have not read all your posts, sorry it been mad house here, however  from what you posted it just seems he is processing this as well I would not read too much into it just yet. Its been only 3 weeks.

Take care

Jim.

[BKsouthLA]

....I would not read too much into it just yet. Its been only 3 weeks.

You are right Jim. It's hard for me to adjust to taking these issues on slowly as they come up. My life is very fast paced, so before my diagnosis if something had been hanging on my mind for three full weeks I'd go crazy. I'm the type that has to tackle the issue head on, take care of it, then forget about it. HIV diagnosis is a very large issue/situation/feeling to process so obviously it'll take more than a few weeks, and I'll never be able to just forget about it.

I think you are correct when you say we are just processing things on our own time and that soon things will normalize. I just hope for my sake that it will be soon because I think I need that kind of affirmation since being diagnosed... not all the time, but certainly more often than I've gotten it these past three weeks.

Thanks for your words Jim

[Jim Allen]

I think you are correct when you say we are just processing things on our own time and that soon things will normalize. I just hope for my sake that it will be soon because I think I need that kind of affirmation since being diagnosed... not all the time, but certainly more often than I've gotten it these past three weeks.

Yeah, look give the news time to digest and settle in first before worrying too much, good news is your communicating with each other.

Look what i would do if i am honest, is instead of sitting at home watching netflix with your partner and sticking to the routine so to speak is go out and do something fun and live a little, you might not feel like it but do go enjoy yourselves, be silly, laugh, enjoy doing something together, break the routine.

Jim

[harleymc]

I'm with Jim on this. Go out and have some fun.

Watching Netflix isn't going to solve anything, that's a sure fire way to not communicate. Certainly there's a bit of communication to do about sero-converting 15 years into a relationship, and how you both move on from that.

Good luck and stop building up HIV to be this totally massive thing, it's one of the most easily treated chronic conditions. If/when you start treatment and get that viral load undetectable on a consistent basis, then you will have a chance to be physically intimate without any paranoia about transmission.

[Lightfighter]

I can relate to what you're saying. I'm just over two and a half months post diagnosis. A hair over one month on meds.

I'm re-looking at my future. I'm more concerned with ensuring my health and my family's happiness than I previously was. I've considered not doing some things with work (Army) knowing full well that if I don't I won't reach the next rank. Currently I'm still deciding what to do, just weighing options. I haven't really felt like doing much; however, that is beginning to change.

My wife was as ignorant as I was when I was diagnosed. It was over a week before we had sex again. She seemed a little distant, but has since returned to normal. It just takes our spouses/partners a little time to process it and frankly to make their mind up if it's worth it for them.

She has adamantly stated leaving never crossed her mind. She took her vows seriously, sickness and health. I think for a time I was trying to rationalize how dumb that is and nobody would blame you for leaving. She scoffed at the thought and hugged me, she said, if I can't be with in your worst of times, I don't deserve you in the best.

I really do love and respect that woman.

[CaveyUK]

One thing that resonated for me, was the feeling that I am so lucky to have a partner who is understanding and wants to learn and stand by me.

I mean, I knew I was lucky before but now I know I am *really* lucky.

If anything, the diagnosis, for me, has cemented my relationship with my gf as a result.

I am also fortunate that she has been adamant that the HIV should not change anything on an intimate level and was very keen to ensure that side of things didn't change - right from the point of diagnosis. She is a firm believer that if things like that drift too much then it becomes a 'thing', and she didn't want a 'thing' to deal with.

There is no saying what will happen in the future, but to me it shows that not everyone runs a mile and there are some really understanding people out there who look beyond a diagnosis and instead view HIV as - like Harleymc says - the chronic condition it is.

By the same token, I know not everyone's partner reacts in the same way and everyone processes things at their own pace. But at the end of the day, love conquers all, as they say and if it is meant to be, it will be - even with HIV in tow.

[BKsouthLA]

...instead of sitting at home watching netflix with your partner and sticking to the routine so to speak is go out and do something fun and live a little...

Watching Netflix isn't going to solve anything, that's a sure fire way to not communicate. Certainly there's a bit of communication to do about sero-converting 15 years into a relationship, and how you both move on from that...

Thanks guys The Netflix scenario was just a small example-- we aren't spending all our nights at home with our eyes glued to the TV not speaking... HAHA! we honestly don't even like TV all that much, just the classics really. That was just an example of when I've noticed small behavioral changes. We do talk a lot (more than most couples I'd wager) and usually spend most of our time outdoors in the yard or in the woods hiking and exploring. One of the best parts of living in such a rural area is the ability to loose ourselves in the forest and just meditate together or speak our minds openly without judgement.

I'm re-looking at my future. I'm more concerned with ensuring my health and my family's happiness than I previously was. I've considered not doing some things with work (Army) knowing full well that if I don't I won't reach the next rank. Currently I'm still deciding what to do, just weighing options. I haven't really felt like doing much; however, that is beginning to change.

I hear ya. I'm not as far into my diagnosis or medication as you, (I've been on meds for only 10 days now,) but I have also been thinking a lot about the future and what it will hold--far more than I ever though about it pre diagnosis.

I'm a trained artist (designer/photographer) and usually I just get by making ads for money and personal photo journalism for self gratification. Since my diagnosis I've been wanting to be more proactive in spreading knowledge about HIV and the people who deal with a modern medical nuisance that caries such a stigma. I've made a few PrEP ads that were feature in Salt Lake City and have begun test shooting portraits for a photojournal project I'd like to start. and that is a step in the right direction for me.

There is no saying what will happen in the future, but to me it shows that not everyone runs a mile and there are some really understanding people out there who look beyond a diagnosis and instead view HIV as - like Harleymc says - the chronic condition it is.

You are right... There is no telling what the future holds, but I'm hopeful after reading all of these replies. I think I'm just a little on edge about certain things because its so early on in my diagnosis. things will smooth out in the near future i think. At this point, after some meditation and deep conversation with him yesterday, I feel confident that my partner and I are in a strong place and I'm damn lucky for that.

[harleymc]

Early days so  I'm sure you'll get there. Do keep us posted as to how that viral load takes a good kicking. It'll be nice for you to have some good news to be focused on.