First Anniversary

[David_CA]

Today marks the first anniversary of my HIV diagnosis.  I received one of those calls from the Dept. of Health that I had been listed as a 'contact' by an acquaintance.  I promptly went out and bought the self-test kit, pricked my finger, filled in the little circle with blood, and sent it in.  I had the more expensive three-day test, and Friday was day three.  I waited to my hubby got home and had him call the 800 number, enter my code, and wait for my results.  When I've used these tests in the past, there has been almost no hold time while waiting for results.  This time was different.  He was on hold for what seemed like 20 minutes, but was probably much less.  It was enough that I asked him if anybody had even answered or what the deal was.  He mumbled something about holding for a counselor or something.  That's when  I knew.  I really didn't need to hear the results; you're only automatically connected to a person if you have a positive (or indeterminate) result.  He finally did talk to somebody, but I was in sort of a daze and don't remember a whole lot of anything 'til he hung up.  He looked at me and I REALLY knew; the look on his face and tears in his eyes told me.  I don't remember being really upset or anything; I guess I was in a 'protective shock' initially.  I told a good friend that night and ended up Google'ing for hours to learn what I could about HIV.

That first week was certainly a strange one.  I found Aidsmeds on Saturday, the next day, and started reading the Lessons and Forums.  Monday, I got a Dr. friend of mine to refer me to my current ID Dr. and set up an appointment ASAP.  I had an appointment for that week.  I've never been one to accept 'not knowing'.  My ex says it's an Aquarian trait... whatever, I HAD to know what was going on inside me.  I was a bit nervous about my first appointment.  The strange part was when I pulled up into the parking lot in front of the Dr's office.  I looked at the building and it looked HUGE (it is very big, actually).  I took a deep breath, got out of my car, and started walking.  As I got closer, the building looked enormous and I felt really, really small.  When I reached the door and entered, I sort of snapped back into reality and the anxiety set in.  I couldn't remember my Dr's name at the reception desk, I had a hard time focussing on the HIPPA and other forms.  Finally, they called my name.

My blood pressure was very high, which concerned the Dr, but I told him it was just stress related, which is true.  We talked a bit and he sent me to the lab for blood draws.  This was for a confirmation test, viral load, and CD4 level and percentage.  When I finally walked out the front door, I was almost in a daze again.  It wasn't 'til I was in my car headed home that I broke down and cried.  I think I cried more and harder on that ride home than I have any other time about being HIV+.  I felt stupid sitting at lights in 5:00 traffic in tears, so I kind of straightend up at stop lights.  When I finally got home and parked, it started all over again.  My hubby met me at the door with a big hug and a big bag of peanut M&M's, which always cheer me up.

It's certainly been a whirlwind year, but not an altogether bad one.  We had many fun camping trips.  We got married while in Montreal at the AMG and met a lot of great people there.  I disclosed my status to a few very close friends, who were (and still are) very supportive.  Anxiety and a bit of depression set in, so I tried Prozac, which helped a lot for a while.  I never disclosed my being poz with any of my family though.  This always bothered me.  My mom and sister and I are very close, and I hated not being able to tell them, which was causing a lot of the anxiety.  I guess mostly I didn't know how to tell them.  This changed right after Thanksgiving. 

Thanksgiving is always a good holiday for my family.  We all get together, usually some friends are there too, and have a really good dinner.  This year, I could only eat two small spoonfuls of food.  I had to go lay down on my mom's sofa.  I knew I had a 'cold', but I felt really crappy.  I had no energy; I had lost over 20 pounds but didn't realize it at the time; I coughed a lot, but I thought this was due to my cold.  I finally got up with my Dr on Tuesday and went in for an appt. on Wednesday.  The took xrays and did some other blood work.  When I went back to the exam room after having blood drawn, he came and showed me my xrays.  My lungs looked like two big white balloons.  He had already made 'reservations' at the local hospital and had an envelope of paperwork for admissions.  I had PCP.  My numbers weren't that bad, how could I have PCP?  I went home, packed some stuff, and had hubby take me to the hospital.  IV's, lots of bloodwork, and, best of all oxygen.  Finally, I started feeling better.  I was there for 8 days before finally going home.  My Dr, and the attending Dr, both said I made an 'amazing' recovery for such an 'extreme' case of PCP pneumonia.  WTF.  I'd never really been sick before, but at least I was going home!

This, and starting Atripla, was the turning point, for me, in really accepting that I'm HIV+.  I 'confessed' to my mom, sister, and dad that I was poz.  I think the O2 had a lot to do with that.  O2 is probably the best high I've ever had, at least until the resp. therapist turned the level down to half its initial setting.  It was like the words "I'm HIV+" just flowed so easily, almost naturally, with no more stress or anxiety.  Everybody handled it well, at least in front of me.  I think the family is as OK with it as can be expected now that I'm out of the hospital and doing well.  We can actually talk about it: "How was your day?"  "Good, I got my lab results back." "How are they?"  "Very good.  My viral load has dropped a whole lot and my T-cells are rising."  "That's great.  I guess those drugs really do work."  "Yeah, they sure do."

Enough rambling, but I've left out three very important aspects of my dealing with being HIV+:  the members and info at Aidsmeds.com, my hubby, and lots of praying!  I'm not sure which has helped the most, but I hate to think how things would have been if any of these were missing.  I read over my first post on Aidsmeds recently, which is one of a couple I saved before the old forums were zapped.  All those replies still mean as much to me today as they did to me back in March '06.  Thanks guys and gals; you've all helped me more than you know.

David

[Nadine]

Wow David, such a vivid account of the past year.  I can relate to allot of your feelings in your post.  As you know, I am the negative one in my relationship, but HIV is very much a part of my everyday life.  I don't know what I would have done had I not stumbled upon this site back in August 2005. 

I'm so happy to hear that your in a good place in your life now.  I never really like to say this, but here it goes... Happy Anniversary. 

Much Love,
Nadine

[Andy Velez]

Your authentic voice sure comes through loud and clear there, David. You've had quite a year and it is moving to read what you've written.

I'm glad you're where you've gotten to today on this journey.

It was very good meeting you and your David in Montreal. And learning more about you before and since then through what you've written here.

Congratulations for making it through this year and wishng you and David many, many more of them well and together.

Big cheers,   

[RAB]

David

What a year of change and growth you've experienced. 

It's kind of funny.  On one hand I can't believe it's already been a year, on the other it seems like David_NC has always been a part of these forums. 

I'm glad you found these forums and that they became an important part of the journey you are taking.  What you gave back to the forums, however, seems so much greater to me.

Every step of the way, you gave us a little piece of yourself, with honesty, respect, and clarity, that was simply inspiring for me.

I'll never say I'm happy you're HIV +, but I sure as heck am happy I have had the chance to get to know you. 

RAB  (Insert big heart here)

Edit to correct darn typo

[Life]

David - Happy Anniversary,  Hug that Man of yours!

Love,

[AlanBama]

David,

Only one year ago?  WOW, like RAB says, seems like you've been around forever. 

I'm glad I had the opportunity to meet you in Montreal.

Happy Anniversary! (I say that because I choose to celebrate them, even though it's not a happy occasion -- I celebrate our survival!)

hugs,
Alan

[Lisa]

Happy Anniversary! Like Alan, I choose to celebrate anniversaries as thanksgiving for survival. You have indeed had a very bumpy year. I am really glad to have had the opportunity to meet you, and D in Montreal. You have experienced so much in this one short year. Perhaps the upcoming year will be a bit smoother sailing.
All my best to you, and David. I raise a glass to you sweet man.

[Bucko]

Quite an anniversary, David.

But you handle yourself and your diagnosis with an incredible dignity. I am honored to count you among my friends.

Brent
(Who was a mess after his diagnosis)

[Jnm594]

Congratulations on your anniversary, Congratulations on your attitude, and Congratulations on your determination. Oh and P.S. thanks for all your posts, they have helped me more than you'll know.

Jeffrey

[skeebo1969]

  David,

    I think your a great person and like Bucko said I am honord to consider you a friend from the forums..

    I am glad and proud the way you have handled your first year.

   

[Longislander]

David,

Happy Anniversary. The first years are definitely interesting, thanks for recounting yours.

I hope to meet you and yours in SF.

Continue to take good care of yourself and continue sharing your life with us.

[Robert]

David (and D)

Bittersweet anniversaries are still anniversaries.  Happy anniversary.  That you had an "amazing" recovery from PCP doesn't surprise me at all.  Meeting you in Montreal I saw 2 remarkably healthy, handsome, open, honest men with hearts of gold.  How else would either of you respond to the vageries of this virus but with a solid, good attitude of fighting it all the way?

Hope you make it to SF!!

robert

[David_CA]

Thanks for all the comments, and Lisa, I'm raising a glass back at you right now (CC and ginger ale).  I know it does sound sort of weird, at least I got an odd look from a friend (neg) when I mentioned it was my first anniversary of being diagnosed HIV+.  Like Lisa and Alan, and most of you I imagine, I'm celebrating living and the progress I've made and the personal growth that comes from dealing with crap like this disease.  I do feel like I've been a member here for much longer than a year; I guess these forums and its members have become such an integral part of my life.  Several of you I know from meeting personally, most I know from online, but I consider (almost) all of you as part of my HIV+ family, as dorky as that sounds.  It's a great compliment to think that anything I post actually helps somebody.  It's also a really nice feeling to think that I have helped somebody.  Thanks.

David

[jyngfilm]

you and i have always been chronologically similar ..., diagnosed nearly the same time. I respect your more sincere approach. >>I lived in denial for 12 months, hiding my "ostrich' approach which has cost me dearly, you've been a "heads up" on reality. NOW, use you're talent to help those less inclined to be strong. GO BOY

[jyngfilm]

and come to the southern gathering.  MOfO   
~jordon
"the best of course of all the worst, some wrong been done i done it first".       >>Ciiao  joooorrrone

[dtwpuck]

Hi David...
Your posting here made me tear up quite a bit.  I am sorry not to have been able to be one of those who was posting back then.  However, I assure you that what you wrote resonates even now, ten years later.  And, I believe that your story has huge relevance to the people posting here who just found out themselves. 

So, even though it is kind of a bittersweet anniversary, I extend warmest congratulations to you on being a survivor and sharing your most honest feelings.

All my best to you.

puck

[poet]

David, thanks so much for taking the time to run through the whole year with us.  It's great when anyone puts this period clearly into words, especially for those who are just starting their first year.  Best, Win

[tigger2376]

Its rare that I'm openly emotional in these threads but your post really moved me. lets hope we celebrate many more years
happy, crisis free and peaceful ones
i wish you all the joy in the world
jo
x

[JohnOso]

David,

I enjoyed reading your post.  I found out about 13 months ago myself, and it's been quite the ride since then.

It's only the first of many anniversaries though.  Wishing the best for you and your man.

Take care,
John 

[Gilles]

Hey David, I will be joining the first year anniversary club in 18 days time. So vividly remember when Dr called my name out and he was not smiling. On the way to the room he asked me how my first name was pronounced. I hoped that this general chit-chat meant that everything was going to be ok. When I went in the room and had a seat, I nervously started smiling and telling Dr that wish I would not have done the test....but the Dr did not let me finish the sentence and told me that I was positive. Its weird the way in that moment everything but nothing changed.

Ok I am going to stop keeping this thread negative as its good that you have been coping well. Its probably this misearable rainy weather in London that made me think about the subject too much, hence posting in this forum today. I am sure tomorrow will be much better.

keep up with your positive attitude