Diagnosed 2 years ago

[edd333]

Hello everyone, ive spent a couple of months on this forum reading through some of these stories before I built up the courage to share my own..

I am 27 years old guy. In terms of my sexuality, I guess I never really established what I "considered" myself at all, ever really. I've always been seually attracted to both females and males. But emotionally, i've always connected more with woman. Throughout my exploring I always keep myself as safe as possible and would get tested after encounters. Up till two years ago. I tested positive and I hate to be dramatic, but my life has not been the same since. I hate that it took, and currently still taking this situation extremely hard. After two years, I still struggle to wake up and live another day. I lost hope. During my time of being diagnosed, I was already dealing with a lot of personal struggles, depression, self-esteem, and a broken relationship with my family. I had to go through those entire two years knowing of my diagnoses completely alone. Maybe that has a lot to do with how I am feeling. I feel like im sort of losing my mind and going insane my dealing with this all by myself, on top of everything else outside of my diagnoses. I've been on Biktarvy the past two years and wonder if maybe that has to do with this dark and gloomy feeling. I feel every single side effect of the medication to the tee. I've also tried going to therapy, but as someone who isn't use to knowing how to navigate my emotions. It's so hard to even talk about my situation with anyone else. It's just so hard going through of all this completely alone, so far only my therpaist and my mother know. My mother has been supportive but i get the sense that she always feels like shes walking on eggshells when talking to me. I've can't even attempt to live my life as normal. I recently decided to give myself the opportunity to date again, I met this girl I like but I cant help but get the worst feeling of guilt in my stomach every time i look at her eyes. Like i'm hiding something from her. And putting her life in danger. Although my doctor gave me the ok to be sexual active without the risk of transmitting HIV to my partner, I don't even feel comfortable when things start to get sexual with us because as I said, I just feel guilty. Sorry if my post doesn't align with the topics of the forum, but I also felt the need to just pour this out, most important with a community who can problem understand where I am coming from.

[Jim Allen]

I still struggle to wake up and live another day. I lost hope. During my time of being diagnosed, I was already dealing with a lot of personal struggles, depression, self-esteem, and a broken relationship with my family. I had to go through those entire two years knowing of my diagnoses completely alone.

Sorry to hear that you have been struggling.

You mentioned going to therapy. Wondering if you have made any lifestyle changes to help, such as increased sports activities etc, and if you are getting antidepressants to help the depression?

I've been on Biktarvy the past two years and wonder if maybe that has to do with this dark and gloomy feeling. I feel every single side effect of the medication to the tee.

Of course, you don't have every side effect as you are not dead. I understand what you mean, and HIV diagnosis itself can be a lot to digest and trigger a worsening depression. HIV meds can also play a role.

Have you spoken to your HIV specialist about switching HIV treatment to see if this could help somewhat, and were they aware of the preexisting struggles before you started HIV treatment?

. It's just so hard going through of all this completely alone, so far only my therpaist and my mother know. My mother has been supportive but i get the sense that she always feels like shes walking on eggshells when talking to me.

Well, you are not alone and glad your mother is supportive. Just wondering if you have considered joining any face-to-face peer support groups as well?

I recently decided to give myself the opportunity to date again, I met this girl I like but I cant help but get the worst feeling of guilt in my stomach every time i look at her eyes. Like i'm hiding something from her. And putting her life in danger. Although my doctor gave me the ok to be sexual active without the risk of transmitting HIV to my partner, I don't even feel comfortable when things start to get sexual with us because as I said, I just feel guilty.

Glad you met someone nice. Sorry to hear about the guilt and hiding feelings. I presume from reading your posts and mentioning the therapist and your mother that the woman you are dating doesn't know your HIV status.

Don't take this the wrong way but prehaps you are not in the right place to date yet?
Sounds like you are still going through a really rough time, and if it was me, I would first focus on myself before dating again, and if that takes a little more time, so be it.

Sorry if my post doesn't align with the topics of the forum

Not entirely sure what this means, but if you mean your experience aligning with others, well, plenty of members have experienced similar issues over the years, and I am sure they will chime in as well.

You are not alone and I hope things improve for you soon.

[Tonny2]

            ojo.              Hi there!, welcome the the forum. I’m sorry you have to deal wirh your dx alone, now we are here for you, I’m sending you a virtual hug.


Hope, my friend as long as you are able to breathe there is hope (if you want to know more about hope read my thread)…we, here, know how you are feeling, for some of us was easier than other to digest the dx, it seems to me that you need some help to accept, forgive yourself and start learning how to learn to live with a virus which you have it under control by taking your “vitamine” a day, i envy you because I take eight pills a day, now it’s turn forward you to take control of your life again… if you do not learn how to live with your condition, you will never be able to find happiness, especially because if you want to start a relationship, you have to be honest with your partner about your stats, otherwise, you are going to keep failing, as you are feeling right now, guilty… hace Set Before, We Are Here For You Eucken Talk Twenty-one On Here Even privaly… I don’t think that you are having all the side effects of your medication but consult with your doc about those side effects although, your med is a good med that even your doc told you to go ahead an have sex again, U=U…well, I hope you keep telling us how you are doing and i also hope we can help you to digest your dx and find happiness again…HOPE DIES LAST… la esperanza muere al último… please keep us posted… more hugs



Ps. English is my second language. I hope you understand my post and I’m legally blind.

[leatherman]

I lost hope.

You might want to try to understand why you think you lost hope.

What does being HIV+ mean to you? Having one of many other diseases or forms of cancer would be much worse. Unlike those things you could have been diagnosed with, HIV is a treatable disease. The medications today are so good that when HIV is caught early enough and treated, people go on to live normal, healthy, long lives. Studies have shown that people living with HIV often live healthier than the average Joe because we receive more healthcare - catching the bad things sooner and giving us the drive to make ourselves healthier now.

Living with treated HIV doesn't mean living with side effects either. If you experiencing every side effect to the "t", you need to speak to your healthcare provider about other options - because there are plenty! You don't need to suffer like that.

As far as dating, well there's fear of having sex again, the issue of not transmitting HIV to anyone else, and disclosing that information.


there's U=U or "Undetectable = Untransmittable". It's been proven that someone living with HIV, who is on treatment, and has been undetectable for 6 months can no longer transmit HIV. That's pretty amazing! Of course sometimes our brains have a hard time with that reality and then putting it into practice. Having sex again after an HIV diagnosis is an mental issue for a lot of people. It's also an issue for people with STIs too.

Not only does being undetectable for 6 months prevent the spread of HIV, but there's also PrEP, a medication someone NOT living with HIV can take to prevent acquiring HIV. Of course, condoms too. Duh! A lot of us wouldn't be here in forums if we had used condoms in the first place.

Now disclosing your status really is hard for a lot of people. You never know how someone will respond; but it sure doesn't hurt to be prepared. Explaining about U=U and PrEP can allay a lot of fears. Know how to explain that HIV has stopped with you. Sometimes acceptance doesn't come immediately because just like you're dealing with being HIV+ some one you date may need time to deal with that also.

Disclosing sooner rather than later does have the benefit of allowing you to move on past someone who can't/won't deal with someone with our health issue. Good riddance to bad rubbish, I say. But I'm not everybody. There are a lot of opinions and when and where to disclose. Look through some of threads here to see what others think about this issue.