Harness Your Own Power...for Matt Mee, Keyite, and others......

[Ihavehope]

I don't find the arguing between Moffie and those who agree differently constructive. Especially editing the original post, if the author of the thread is going to edit the thread. Scott/Koi if you feel like Moffie is a negative person then ignore him. He is entitled to say how miserable he feels the same way we are entitled to say how well we are doing on meds at the moment and how we are moving on with our lives. Arguing with someone who obviously feels like this is a death sentence and we are all going to suffer miserably will lead to nothing constructive. I only read what is beneficial to me, and this thread wasn't so next time I see a Moffie thread I will think twice about reading.

[fearless]

Thanks for the post, Moffie.

It reminded me of when I first found this site and first started posting. I don't know if you recall, but I was all over the shop, not really knowing what to think or which way to turn. My new reality resulted in humilation and anger with myself, knowing what I know and having seen what I'd seen.

I was lucky enough to have an employer that allowed me to take 3 months 'recreation' leave to get my head around things.  I was also fortunate enough to have the funds and ability to use that time travelling and spending the time getting to know me again, to be introspective. It was quite a journey, and for those that may remember, it culminated in a candlelit night at home in the bedroom with just me, myself, I and the mirror. A long discussion ensued that resulted in me formally seeking and receiving forgiveness from myself. Then ensued my self proclaimed year of self-respect, where I took back control over little Steve and achieved a certain amount of contentment with me and my life.

We each have our own reality. I thank you for sharing yours.

[DingoBoi]

The difference between someone living with hiv/aids and someone dying with it can be vanishingly small sometimes.

You can be on one side today and the other tomorrow.

[Central79]

Wow - this thread really took off!

There seems to be a great deal of talk delusions and magical thinking.  I took what I read here to be about the exact opposite- naked (literally) self-observation and working to strip away self-delusions. 

This isn't what I meant when I wrote about magical thinking - I wasn't equating it to delusions, or a psychiatric condition. It's part of the normal spectrum of human thought, and I mentioned it to point up the contradictions inside ME - how in some circumstances I can be cold, scientific, rational and in others I can see a connection with the Universe, and wishing those circumstances were reversed (death rather than lottery!).

As for the rest, I guess when I come in here there's some part of me that subconsciously looks for the stuff I need. I mean I read everything, but I find myself stopping to read more closely something which fits my outlook that minute, that hour, or that day - sometimes that's Moffie, sometimes it's MtD, sometimes it's Thunter, sometimes it's Rob.... you get the idea.

As a newbie, I would really hate for people to have to edit what they say because it provoked a discussion. Plus it makes everybody who posts subsequently look a bit mad. I found Moffie's post really insightful, and I could definitely find parallels in my own life w/o necessarily buying into his entire world view. Take what you need and leave the rest!

As for suffering. People do in all kinds of different ways. Nobody wants to do it. So I don't see any kind of martyrdom in what Moffie writes - just another human experience. I'm glad he shared it... It doesn't make me feel as though my pain is any less valid, just because I've yet to crap myself on public transport (which seems to have been the bar on previous threads!).

All the best,

M.

[sweetasmeli]

Thanks for reposting the original post Tim.

First off, apologies for my delay in responding to your threads; I've been in recovery mode these last few days, following my recent travels. Took it out of me more than I care to admit...totally worth it though!

I am posting this in both your threads as:
a) It is relevant to both topics and b) I’m a slow typist and I just had the heads up that this one may be locked by the time I actually get finished!

I, for one, spent most of my adult life afraid of anything to do with death: the great unknown. I refused to attend funerals, refused to discuss my parents’ will-wishes and refused to even contemplate the mere concept.

Being diagnosed with hiv did nothing to alleviate my fears. In fact, my diagnosis pretty much sent me into a frenzy, as far as having my own mortality thrust in my face goes! Well, for the first 2 or 3 years anyhow…

I bounced around (like a fart in a jar, as you like to put it, Tim for a long time after first being diagnosed, ricocheting from one state of mind to another. I spent some time overly positive to the point where I was bordering on being manic. I spent some time completely lost and wallowing in a state of depression. I also spent some time paddling (just ankle-deep) in de Nial, wanting to believe that hiv didn’t cause aids and wanting to find a herbal or nutritional cure. Thankfully, that phase didn’t last too long. But it served a purpose, as most experiences indeed do.

Now, over four years into my diagnosis, I am more comfortable in my own skin than I have ever been in my entire life. I finally like myself; I like myself a lot. In fact, would go as far as to say I have quite a lot of a love thing going on with myself nowadays. Which can only be a good thing surely.

I have learnt/am learning how to accept hiv as an intricate part of who I am. At the same time, recognising that hiv does not define who I am. And I have learnt/am learning that there really is nothing to fear in this life except for fear itself. Moreover, I am more at peace with the certainty of my own mortality and that of my loved ones. I can say in all honesty now that the prospect of death - of me or my loved ones - no longer scares me.

I have now discussed my parents' wills with them. I have also discussed/even shared giggles about some ideas about my own funeral wishes with my dad and friends, though am yet to put it in writing. And I am slowly compiling a will (of sorts), well more of a list of 'who gets what' in the event of any premature departure by me. Such matters are no longer morbid or scary to me, just pragmatic and realistic. Saying that though, I still remain icky about funerals and have a rule that I'll only attend funerals of people I love. And my own of course (though I will do what I can to be late for that, or better yet, not turn up at all! ).

I totally get Tim when he talks about harnessing our own power. Fear disables us. Fear is disempowering. Letting go of fear is the first step towards self-empowerment.

Being realistic is another important step. Hope and optimism are essential too.

At 35 years old, it has taken me a long while to realise that fear sucks power from humans like an invisible and almost undetectable force. I have suspected it as such for many years, but only totally grasped that notion merely a few months ago.

My participation here on Aidsmeds (after joining 18 months ago) started helping me realise it, along with my personal experience of living with hiv. Not to mention the eternal love and support from my family and friends plus an intensive but effective course of cognitive behaviour therapy have all contributed to me now living a fulfilling and pretty much fearless life.

Tim, people like you have helped to shape my perspective on hiv/aids. You have helped me make the role it plays in my life real. You have also helped me open my eyes to the world of hiv/aids, and the reality of that world, not just my own reality.

I thank you for this frank and heartfelt thread. I also thank you for the hand of friendship you have extended to me during my time here so far on Aidsmeds. It is a hand I would indeed be honoured to shake one day. And if that day should never come, I want you to know that you are on my list of Folk I Would Like To Meet, even if I never actually get to meet you.

Mr Moffie, I salute you.

Always with respect and admiration
Melia

[thunter34]

Matt,

I was actually referencing post #5 when I said that about talk of magical thinking.  I was just saying that I didn't see this post from Moffie as being much about any kind of spiritual delusion...more a suggestion for an exercise in self-discovery.

Just FYI.    And great post, btw.

And I bow once again at the feet of Miss Melia.  Well said.