watching a pos spouse not take care of himself

[8yearsoflove]

So, I am really anxious about posting this because I know that the responses I'm going to get, though correct, are not going to be what I want to hear.
My long term boyfriend (common law husband) was diagnosed with aids and his levels are now undetectable. (Yay) that being said being with him is so frustrating sometimes because he is terrible about taking his meds on time (despite my constant reminders even handing them to him with a glass of water) he refuses to eat rigjt, quit smoking, or get his bad teeth fixed like his doctor repeatedly asks. He won't talk about it or exercise.
It sometimes makes me want to give up because it seems like he is slowly killing himself. I feel like I am giving up being a mother for you the least you can do is brush your damn teeth!
Is there anyone else who is forced to watch their spouse give up.
The strain he has was already immune to almost every drug so when his body becomes immune to this one unless they come out with a new drug this year is the only chance he has. Is it fair for him to expect me to watch him die in the hospital with nothing I can do?!? Sometimes we argue because I wake up and see his pills sitting there and out of anger and hurt say "why don't you just quit now!" Obviously it's not what I want,but it's how I feel. Sometimes he will also say "if you leave me I'm going to quit taking my meds" which makes me even angrier. I just want some advice,or maybe perspective. Do you think he's ready to give up? Does anyone else have this problem? Please try to be kind in your response. I'm aware this is not right.

[mecch]

Hello there. Of course you and your spouse are in a difficult situation.  Try to remember to be kind to yourself.  Don’t be mean to him because you are not doing what you need for yourself, your life, your time management, your heart.   Fix yourself you don’t need to fix him.  Here are some thoughts:

So, I am really anxious about posting this because I know that the responses I'm going to get, though correct, are not going to be what I want to hear.

I’m curious what you expect the “correct” response forum members are going to give you.  Maybe you should write out the response to your own post, to see what you think is correct, and see if it holds water or if you can change your perspective and consider other responses.

My long term boyfriend (common law husband) was diagnosed with aids and his levels are now undetectable. (Yay) that being said being with him is so frustrating sometimes because he is terrible about taking his meds on time (despite my constant reminders even handing them to him with a glass of water) he refuses to eat rigjt, quit smoking, or get his bad teeth fixed like his doctor repeatedly asks. He won't talk about it or exercise.

Extremely precise timing often isn’t that important.  How precise of a timing are you aiming for? 

Lots of people, + or neg, have a challenge to eat right and quit smoking.  But yeah, quitting smoking is the second most important thing he can do for his health after the HIV medicine adherence….   Still, you can lead a horse to water, as they say…

As for the teeth – well – is expense an issue?  Just wondering. Lots of people don’t fix their teeth because they don’t really have the budget..  I've had periods like that.

It sometimes makes me want to give up because it seems like he is slowly killing himself. I feel like I am giving up being a mother for you the least you can do is brush your damn teeth!

Yes obviously he should brush at least.  Ick.  This can be a very basic divisive issue in a relation – hygiene.  You have to reach some compromise, OR, maybe you really can’t deal with him in his daily condition.  Meaning, if he can not be considerate enough to brush his teeth -- for himself AND out of respect for you... Um. Its messed up... Is he depressed?  Maybe!  Any treatment for depression or mental health?

Did he smoke when you met him?  Was he ever into exercise?  Was his diet healthy and now has gone hill?  Or was he always a bad eater?  Did he have good oral hygiene and good teeth when you met?  If he's always been like he is now, its not going to be easy to change. But its possible...

Is there anyone else who is forced to watch their spouse give up.
The strain he has was already immune to almost every drug so when his body becomes immune to this one unless they come out with a new drug this year is the only chance he has.

Are you SURE you have the right info there??  Obviously its important to stick to the medicine and prevent resistance.  But that he is on his last treatment option --- hmm. Would you mind be more specific please and saying what exactly his combo is…..

Is it fair for him to expect me to watch him die in the hospital with nothing I can do?!? Sometimes we argue because I wake up and see his pills sitting there and out of anger and hurt say "why don't you just quit now!" Obviously it's not what I want, but it's how I feel.

You have no right to say something like that, bold above. Its hurtful, mean, and is destroying your relation.  If you want out, then go...  If you love him you can still make your limits.  The limits might require radical change, maybe even that you are no longer a couple and you don’t live together, and if you want, love him as a friend but make a new life for yourself.

Sometimes he will also say "if you leave me I'm going to quit taking my meds" which makes me even angrier.


He has no right to say that. It’s a guilt trip and very manipulative. While its human, it’s poisonous. 

I think the both of you need to talk this out and find some forward movement.  Can you do that 1-1 or can you get a therapist or counsellor of some sort to help sort out these issues?  Seems like a log jam.

[ohwell]

I'm not defending him or myself but we all are flawed humans. I'm undetectable and i take my meds when i have to (i have an app in my phone that reminds me when to take my pills and when they'll run out, it's really simple).
At the beginning i started smoking like crazy in my mind i was killing me faster so i could set my partner free of me. But then that changed and i regained balance. But then again i'm human i realized i couldnt quit smoking even though i was not smiking as usual, i couldnt give it up (that includes, alcohol weed and some other stuff that dont do any good), the thing is hiv doent change you, i was prone to addiction before and i am now, but i exercise take my meds etc...

What i'm trying to say if your partner didnt take care of his teeth before why whould he now?